The Hard Bits

[Allie]

I am finding myself doubting things again. As usual (I'm good at doubting).

It just seems like it's so much harder every time I see him. Not the seeing him, but the having to go away again part. it gets harder every time. This isn't usually a big deal, since we usually go to school together, but this coming semester, he's going to be here in Ireland.

I get better at dealing with having my own life every time we have to be apart, and I'm so proud of myself. And this time, I was feeling amazing and happy in myself, really, truly, happy. And then he showed up. For just one brief, exciting morning. And then he had to leave again to go to the beginning of his program, which wants him (of course) to be secluded in the middle of the mountains for a few days.

And he's literally going to be back in a couple days, but I can't even take it. And every time I have to leave him it feels even worse. It makes me wonder if it's even worth it. It's been a year and a half almost now, and we usually spend all of our time together at school. But I'm going to be going 3 months without seeing him (by far the longest) during this next term.

And then I have to readjust to seeing him again in the summer, which for me can often be one of the scariest parts. I'm always worried things will have changed, that things won't work. But then they do change, but in good ways, and they do work. Then we'll be able to see each other as much as we want. Until next December, after which point he wil be graduated, a term earlier than I. I might be able to see him until February, but then I'll have to go without again for another three months.

Basically, I really love my sweetie, and I want to be able to be with him, and all this distance stuff is really a big bummer. Because it is lovely to see him, but more and more painful every time he goes. And I get worried that I'm just closing myself off to it, getting even better at dealing with the pain of being without him, and that eventually I won't even want to be with him, because I'll be too happy being with myself. And then I'll realize I don't need him in my life.

Basically, I am the queen of paranoid foresight! Someone please save me from myself!!!

[Zephii]

It makes sense *hugs*

The thing is - you don't need him. No one out there truly needs their SO and if they do the relationship is probably an unhealthy one (I'm not meaning people who provide medical-related assistance to their partners, nor am I saying there is anything wrong with that). What is important, in my opinion, is that you WANT him. If you need a person, then you're with them because you have to be, whereas if you want them, you're accepting the fact that you could live without them, perhaps even easier than with them, but that you're willing to undergo the inconvienience because you love them. Or maybe I'm just weird.

Anyway... I am sorry the distance and constant goodbyes are wearing you down I have no real useful advice except to say stop worrying over it. There is nothing wrong with enjoying being independant and now is a good time to relish it!

[Allie]

Thanks

These are all things I know, I just forget. I was working hard on some of this stuff over the last while, before he came to Ireland, while we were apart.

In any case, it's just that when he leaves again, the missing him part makes me feel like I need him to stay. Which brings back the need. And I get scared to let go of that need, because I'm afraid if I do, I'll have an excuse to just walk away. Like the reason my brain wants me to fight this needing business is that it wants me to leave. But it doesn't have to be that way. And if I decide to walk away, then I do that because I've made an important choice for myself, so I don't know why I get so scared of that.. I get scared that I would be strong enough to not need him, and thereby I wouldn't want him anymore... but maybe that's just the need trying to convince me that then I need him, because otherwise I'll leave or something aaagh my brain is confusing hahaha

Basically, I want to let this part of go, but also own that it is a part of me. That there is a part of me that may need him, but that is a part I can learn to accept and ignore when the important things come up? I don't know. I always need to find the part where I own my faults, but this one is hard to own, and then I just blame myself over and over.


I'm going to get some sleep, because it will presumably help. I keep not sleeping enough -_-

[Zephii]

You think too much my friend. Have a good sleep. I'm sure the world will be a better place in the morning.

[Gurl]

You sound a lot like me... I over think EVERYTHING...or I did before I realized doing so would ruin the chance I had with Billy. Its hard to change, but learning to go with the flow can be done. I just don't have any easy way to get there to share. I basically just forced myself to stop worrying about the future so much, and to realize that it would be what it would be. I have taken on the philosophy of enjoying the ride. Billy and I may never truly be together (gods forbid), but I've enjoyed way too much of our time together and learned too much about myself, the things I value in my self and in a life partner...Yah, its been too good for me to ever regret having tried or the time I've spent waiting for him to be where he needs to be.

Hope that makes some kind of sense, and that you find something in there to help you out. *hugs* Its hard, but sometimes one has to tell their brain to STFU

[Allie]

Thanks you guys

I actually succeeded pretty hardcore, with your help, at reminding my brain who is boss. And reminding myself why I was missing him as much as I was - because I love him and want him. Which is, really, a good thing. So just before I went to sleep, I was feeling pretty in charge of the situation again, because I know that I am going to do what I can to see my baby while he's here with me, come hell or high water!

In any case, though, you were both helpful.

And yes.
I think WAY too much.

[fcbella]

I think many many of us over think. I always get the "you worry too much!" When in fact I don't think it's necessarily 'worrying' as trying to prepare for everything that could go haywire (especially when I travel, etc.) I have tried to become more conscience of my thoughts. The minute I have a worrying thought, or a negative thought for that matter.. I try to just remind myself to live day by day, and live in the moment. Seems to help, especially in a ldr.

[lunamea]

Yeah, I usually think too much and worry too much, too. My latest obsession is that I have a hunch that something bad will happen this year, might happen before I return home... the year hasn't been off to a good start because my husband was sick and alone back home, my father was in hospital with pneumonia, my aunt sick, too, then my in-laws had a car accident, then I fell ill while I was visiting back home, and now, my huband's uncle is in hospital and needs to have surgery! It just seems like a string of bad things that keeps continuing... and if I start thinking that way - what if something happens to my granny/my husband/my parents while I'm abroad? etc. ... I really have to tell my brain to shut up. At times, this is easier to do than at other times.

I can totally understand that each time you have to part again is harder... it's the same way for me. My mom told me I'd get used to it and it will get easier, but it's the exact opposite! Even before I went to study abroad, my hb and I have been apart for months (twice) and with all these good-byes, I started overreacting, too, and even getting really upset when he only went to visit his relatives for 1 or 2 weeks. I just hate saying good-bye, it always seems kind of final and I always start worrying the minute he's gone that something bad may happen.

It's weird that you worry that *you* will not need him... I worry that my husband will get used to living without me and will not need me anymore (or I'll get on his nerves) once I get back. I also think that enjoying solitude is a good thing and does by no means mean that you stop loving or needing him. And I think "need" is not the wrong word, either. If I can't imagine my life with someone in it, I need that person. True, my survival might not depend on it, but that does not mean I don't need that person to be happy. Have you ever met someone whose spirit is crushed, who is permanently unhappy and basically dead inside? That's what I imagine when someone lost the one they needed...