LDR & Divorce

[monkinlove]

I don't think my situation is too complicated, but here it is.

So I met this girl on a dating site. We had been emailing each other off and on for a few months. Finally I get the digits and call her. When we talk she finally reveals that she is currently in the process of getting a divorce. I knew from her profile on the dating site and our emails that she was needing more of a friend than a relationship at the moment. Also as a Christian, I didn't want to date anyone who is currently married. So I read up a lot on people and especially women going through a divorce and how it effects them. Thus, I am trying to take it slow as she goes through this time of basically restarting her life, getting through the divorce, and healing from it. She is really sweet and I'm willing to wait through this time. I know that there is no guarantee that our relationship will work after or if even there will be a relationship there. So I know the risks.

So for now we text and talk on the phone at times. We haven't met in person. She has been open to possibly meeting later in person once she gets passed the divorce. I actually work in family law, so I don't think her divorce should take too long. We live about 8 hours away from each other.

So I guess my question is for any thoughts on the issue of LDR and someone going through a divorce. Has anyone had this situation? Or LDR with a person who has just divorced or been divorced for a time? What issues came up? She doesn't have any kids. The Ex is not in the picture. I'm more thinking about how to go about the LDR after her divorce. I still want to take things a bit slow even after her divorce. But any advice? We are both in our 30's.

I appreciate any advice or personal insight. Thanks.

-Monk

[dizzyupthemeg]

I went through a divorce while talking to my SO. My circumstances are different though because I had been talking to my current SO (as friends) for years before I married my ex. My relationship with my ex had been over for years (looking back it was over before we even got married), but my ex was a vengeful man who made the process much longer than it had to be. My divorce was extremely rough, and I had days were I don't think I could have made it through without my current SO. He was my best friend through the whole thing. There had been years of unresolved feelings between us and once the divorce papers were filed, we both decided a relationship may be worth some effort. The best thing you can do is be there for her. Listen to her when she is upset. Give her time to heal. The way my SO handled my divorce is part of the reason I had no hesitations with an LDR. He was by far the most supportive person in my life at the time, and if anything, that only made me love him more.

[monkinlove]

I went through a divorce while talking to my SO. My circumstances are different though because I had been talking to my current SO (as friends) for years before I married my ex. My relationship with my ex had been over for years (looking back it was over before we even got married), but my ex was a vengeful man who made the process much longer than it had to be. My divorce was extremely rough, and I had days were I don't think I could have made it through without my current SO. He was my best friend through the whole thing. There had been years of unresolved feelings between us and once the divorce papers were filed, we both decided a relationship may be worth some effort. The best thing you can do is be there for her. Listen to her when she is upset. Give her time to heal. The way my SO handled my divorce is part of the reason I had no hesitations with an LDR. He was by far the most supportive person in my life at the time, and if anything, that only made me love him more.

That is actually really, really helpful. Thank you so much for taking the time out to comment and giving me some insight as to your similar situation. That is really helpful advice too. She is a bit on the shy side and is worried about being a burden, so sometimes I don't know she is having a hard time until she leaves me a long email. So I am trying to balance both giving her space, but also checking in with her and seeing how she is doing. Encouraging her on her steps forward and supporting her during her hard times. Her ex seems like a jerk, but he doesn't seem vengeful or is even in a different state now. I just want to be there and help her to get to a healthy place in her life. Also to show that I care as a friend and trying to check myself if I feel like I'm being flirty. However, I do occasionally ask an indirect question to see if she is open to more at a later time. She seems to be open to it.

I hope you don't mind if I ask for your advice at a later date if we continue on in this and head toward a relationship.

[Moon]

You know, there are no easy answers to this. I was in the process of divorce when I started talking to my guy as more than just a work friend, but I had been separated for a couple of years. It was important to me for my divorce to be final before meeting him, I wanted to go in "clean" in a way. It almost didn't happen, I was getting divorced at the exact same time and the exact same courthouse as John and Kate Gosselin (John & Kate plus 8 reality show), and to say the court was backed up because of the the hype is an understatement OK, before I get more off-topic, in my case, my marriage had been over in my mind for YEARS, and I was totally healed and ready after the long separation, there hadn't been love really in the marriage, so I felt completely free to pursue something else.

The girl you're interested in might be in a completely different place though, or somewhere in the middle, or something else completely. Divorces aren't cookie cutter experiences, so you need to pay very close attention to the things she says and the actions she takes, and be very careful. I think it's a great idea to wait until the divorce is final, it'll give you time to see how everything unfolds, and give you a better feel for if this is right for you.

Don't write off someone getting a divorce until you're fully informed, you could be dismissing the greatest person in the world, just use caution. Also, I see you're 37, I'm 42, and by the time we get to this age, it's rare to find someone who's never been married, or doesn't have a good amount of baggage We've all learned a thing or two at this point!

Take it slow, pay attention, and see where it leads. I think you're on the right track, actually. Oh yeah, welcome to LFAD.

[iHeartt]

When I was going through my divorce, I was in a LDR of sort. Mainly as friends, as he was there to listen to me when it seemed no one else was. Divorce can be quite a lonely experience depending on the circumstances. As far as issues, we had issues when I moved out and finally got back on my feet. Without going through too much details here, there was jealousy, anger, dependance, etc. Feel free to message me if you need to talk. But I agree with Moon, just take it slow, and be there for her when she just needs a shoulder to lean on.

[monkinlove]

You know, there are no easy answers to this. I was in the process of divorce when I started talking to my guy as more than just a work friend, but I had been separated for a couple of years. It was important to me for my divorce to be final before meeting him, I wanted to go in "clean" in a way. It almost didn't happen, I was getting divorced at the exact same time and the exact same courthouse as John and Kate Gosselin (John & Kate plus 8 reality show), and to say the court was backed up because of the the hype is an understatement OK, before I get more off-topic, in my case, my marriage had been over in my mind for YEARS, and I was totally healed and ready after the long separation, there hadn't been love really in the marriage, so I felt completely free to pursue something else.

The girl you're interested in might be in a completely different place though, or somewhere in the middle, or something else completely. Divorces aren't cookie cutter experiences, so you need to pay very close attention to the things she says and the actions she takes, and be very careful. I think it's a great idea to wait until the divorce is final, it'll give you time to see how everything unfolds, and give you a better feel for if this is right for you.

Don't write off someone getting a divorce until you're fully informed, you could be dismissing the greatest person in the world, just use caution. Also, I see you're 37, I'm 42, and by the time we get to this age, it's rare to find someone who's never been married, or doesn't have a good amount of baggage We've all learned a thing or two at this point!

Take it slow, pay attention, and see where it leads. I think you're on the right track, actually. Oh yeah, welcome to LFAD.

Moon, thanks for the awesome welcome and reply. I had wrote this cool reply and like an idiot I hit "reply" again rather than quick post and it all erased. So here it goes again.

What you said about not writing off someone going through a divorce is very true. Sometimes I would get doubts due to the lack of interaction (the LDR, being patient, and the divorce), but when I think about her qualities and our interaction so far it out weights my doubts.

She has not been separated from him too long. I think months. But I also think they were not married for too long. A few years or less. He was mentally and physically abusive toward her. So there is baggage there, but she is pretty open about talking about it and so there seems to be a healthy way for both of us to deal with our individual baggage.

I tried to set up a meeting for coffee recently, but she said she wasn't ready. She seems like she wants to meet at a later time when she feels more together and of course that would be after the divorce. In retrospect, I could see that as being a good thing. To me I don't think anything of meeting for coffee as friends while she is going through the divorce, but for her (and me now) meeting in person would be better if it is at a different chapter, a new and more healthy chapter of her life.

I also want to have some skype conversations in the future, but I may even wait on those toward or after the divorce. Since those are pretty intimate or they can be. I have written her a Christmas card with a personal note. She seemed to really appreciate that. She didn't send me one back yet, but I'm not expecting it. I barely got mine out and I'm not getting a divorce. So I'm trying to be patient, understanding, caring, and encouraging. It's not easy at times. I want to be romantic toward her, but I hold back. If I say anything in a romantic sense, I apologize. She understands. And that has been rare to happen. So far so good generally. Thanks for the advice. That was very helpful and the perspective. I may ask for more advice at a later date.

Monk in Love

[monkinlove]

When I was going through my divorce, I was in a LDR of sort. Mainly as friends, as he was there to listen to me when it seemed no one else was. Divorce can be quite a lonely experience depending on the circumstances. As far as issues, we had issues when I moved out and finally got back on my feet. Without going through too much details here, there was jealousy, anger, dependance, etc. Feel free to message me if you need to talk. But I agree with Moon, just take it slow, and be there for her when she just needs a shoulder to lean on.

iHeartt,

Thanks so much. That is interesting. I may message you at a later time or even in the near future. I am concerned about when she gets back on her feet. I don't want to just be the friend that helped her out, but I know that risk is there. I wouldn't react badly if that was her choice to move on, but I would be hurt I'm sure. I want us to move forward in the relationship in a healthy way. So maybe you could give me some advice on how to do that after her divorce. I want us to have a nice balance of independence, but also still needing each other. To growing in our relationship. I don't want to be controlling or jealous. I think communication is key and I am hoping to continue to improve upon that as we get to know each other and she continues to move past this time in her life.

Monk in Love

[monkinlove]

So I have this question in general for those who have commented or those who still haven't. She is a bit on the shy side. So I want to be there for her, but I also do not want to bombard her with texts or calls. I also don't want to come off as needy. I want to be there for her and give her space. Any thoughts or ideas? One solution I was thinking was to have her sign up for gchat. So that would at least give me another option to communicate with her without feeling like I have to call or text more. I have been calling her more often and I seem to catch her at the right time that she needs to talk with someone. However, I don't want to start calling a lot. At least not just yet. I'm trying to really be careful (maybe too much) to not come on too strong. I have a tendency to do that, and I'm trying to keep myself in check. Especially with her and with her situation. It's been a good lesson for me so far. So any thoughts?

[Dezface]

My SO and I were both married when we met and both just recently completed the divorce process. I've written my story on here before. You can search if you're so inclined.

Divorces are hard. And like Moon said, a lot depends on where she is mentally with it. Sounds like she needs some breathing room and you should definitely give it to her. I would talk to her like you would a friend, Don't text or call ever five seconds, but check in and let her know you're there. I've been separated from my ex-husband for quite awhile now and I still have days where I just feel like a failure and get down. Today is one of them. Luckily, I have a SO that understands. That's important.

You seem like you want to do right by her and I think you're doing that. There's no easy answer for exactly how to proceed. Listen to her, pay attention to what signals she gives, and you'll be fine.

[monkinlove]

My SO and I were both married when we met and both just recently completed the divorce process. I've written my story on here before. You can search if you're so inclined.

Divorces are hard. And like Moon said, a lot depends on where she is mentally with it. Sounds like she needs some breathing room and you should definitely give it to her. I would talk to her like you would a friend, Don't text or call ever five seconds, but check in and let her know you're there. I've been separated from my ex-husband for quite awhile now and I still have days where I just feel like a failure and get down. Today is one of them. Luckily, I have a SO that understands. That's important.

You seem like you want to do right by her and I think you're doing that. There's no easy answer for exactly how to proceed. Listen to her, pay attention to what signals she gives, and you'll be fine.

Dez,

Thank you so much for your perspective and advice. She does have difficult days and it has been a very difficult time for her. She wants to get past it, but there are still hoops she has to jump through to get to that point. It's difficult for me because I want to run to her hug her and save her from her situation, but I know that is not the answer for many reasons. So you are right, just checking in with her and finding that right balance. Just try to do my best to encourage her, pray for her, and be there when she needs.

It would make sense that divorce is a long term healing process which still flares with pain at times. Even though I work in divorce law, I still don't fully grasp the pain people go through. Even coming from divorced parents. Thanks again for your guidance.

Monk in love