What My Ex Sent Me for Christmas...

[ThePiedPiper]

Some of you were in chat when I mentioned my ex had sent me something in the mail. I got it tonight. He seriously put together the most amazing gift.

- A 19 page handwritten letter (that I handed to my mother after reading what he had to say about the gift, because I don't currently feel I'm strong enough to read through 19 pages of him pouring his heart out)
- Two boxes of Kinder eggs
- Hand lotion that smells like the ocean
- A beach-type bag with cats on it
- A copy of one of my favourite books, Catwings, with a CD of what I presume is him reading it (I had my mother keep that as well)
- A Rainbow Dash plushie (my favourite MLP character)

I love everything and yet I can't help feeling so... sad, and angry. I'm sad because I want to read the letter. I want to read the letter and see some realisation of how he was treating me/our relationship and how he can change it and proof that he will, but I'm not naive. That happens in Hollywood. It very rarely happens in RL, let alone within the first month you're apart. I'm sad because I miss what we used to have when things were good and we were happy. I miss the man I used to know who was easy-going and optimistic, sometimes even idealistic, and who met people with warmth, compassion, and sensitivity, not anger and hatred, bitterness and disgust, like he did in the end. I miss the smiles and the laughs and a time when they were genuine and carefree and not laced with negativity and a rage it felt like he couldn't control. I'm sad because I want to believe that I'm receiving these gifts under different circumstances than I did, sad because even with these gifts, we will never be what we once were, and sad because I want to believe there's hope for friendship for the future but I'm not sure if and when that will happen. And I'm angry because this is all coming far too late in the game. I'm angry because I feel like the only reason that any effort has been put into this is because we are broken up. I don't doubt that it comes from a loving space - there is nothing but a warm and thoughtful energy to everything - but I do wish he had heard my pleading with him to help me fix "us" in the months that led up to our break-up, in the times I sobbed to him when I was there on my trip. I wish he would have put all of this wonderful effort into our relationship when it counted and when I was still in love with him. I would have sacrificed all of this for him to be filled with a little less anger and for him to have put as much effort into the relationship as I did.

The gifts have all made me cry, and they all smell like him too. At least he made the right decision in sending me chocolate.

[Verojoon]

I want to respond to almost everything sentence by sentence... but I can't right now because I have kids that are making me crazy and need to put to bed... I WILL BE BACK!

[Verojoon]

I love everything and yet I can't help feeling so... sad, and angry. I'm sad because I want to read the letter. I want to read the letter and see some realisation of how he was treating me/our relationship and how he can change it and proof that he will, but I'm not naive. That happens in Hollywood. It very rarely happens in RL, let alone within the first month you're apart.

It CAN happen. But I think you're right. It rarely happens the first month apart, and in this sort of situation, even if it did happen the first months apart, you two need more distance to heal from how bad things had gotten before the end.

I'm sad because I miss what we used to have when things were good and we were happy. I miss the man I used to know who was easy-going and optimistic, sometimes even idealistic, and who met people with warmth, compassion, and sensitivity, not anger and hatred, bitterness and disgust, like he did in the end. I miss the smiles and the laughs and a time when they were genuine and carefree and not laced with negativity and a rage it felt like he couldn't control.

I think there is nothing wrong with missing the good things. It is normal. Sometimes I remember the fun I've had with my ex-husband and even though I never loved him the right way, and even though the end was abusive and exhausting and I would never go back there... I can still look back and think of the good times and miss them. I can still be sad about the passage of time. It's normal.

I'm sad because I want to believe that I'm receiving these gifts under different circumstances than I did, sad because even with these gifts, we will never be what we once were, and sad because I want to believe there's hope for friendship for the future but I'm not sure if and when that will happen.

I think right now it is much too early in the game to know what can or cannot happen. You will never be what you once were... that much is true... but you have no idea what the future has for you. Keep being the strong woman you are. Keep healing. Let him do the same on his end. In the long run, you probably won't get back to each other, but if you do, it will be a different relationship and a stronger one... Most likely you will have a stronger relationship elsewhere!

And I'm angry because this is all coming far too late in the game. I'm angry because I feel like the only reason that any effort has been put into this is because we are broken up. I don't doubt that it comes from a loving space - there is nothing but a warm and thoughtful energy to everything - but I do wish he had heard my pleading with him to help me fix "us" in the months that led up to our break-up, in the times I sobbed to him when I was there on my trip. I wish he would have put all of this wonderful effort into our relationship when it counted and when I was still in love with him. I would have sacrificed all of this for him to be filled with a little less anger and for him to have put as much effort into the relationship as I did.

Understandably. I think it's okay you are angry. But I think it is something he probably felt he had to do. In a way it's a selfish move, but sometimes we have to be selfish. He felt he had to do this, maybe to ask you for another chance, maybe just as a way to let you know he's still thinking about you. Whichever reason it is, it's sad that it hurts you and makes you angry, but I admire that he did the selfish thing... Sometimes it takes to lose what you had to realize you are more willing to put in the work than you thought. Sometimes you think you have all the time in the world to fix things... whatever it was, you've made your move. he's making another one. Now, back to one of you first statements, it is too probably way too early for any healing to happen.. (and even if he is completely genuine, I feel that letting more time pass isn't a bad thing at all!)

The gifts have all made me cry, and they all smell like him too. At least he made the right decision in sending me chocolate.

*hug*

Now I'm sure you will recognize that my views are a little bit skewed due to what I went through last summer. I know that many people do not think people can change... but sometimes situation like a breakup gives them a chance to re-evaluate and to grow. My SO constantly amazes me by how mature he is compared to before. How confident he is about us. How secure he is in what he wants for us. How hard he is willing to work on things... I have to admit, I still get scared, I still get insecure when I think of how things had been before we spent our summers apart... but deep inside, I know that he hasn't actually changed, he's just put aside his own fears and doubts and insecurity. He's grown up and now I often feel he's the mature one of the relationship.

My SO is also older than your ex, so I'm sure that helps.

Another great big hug to you!!

[ThePiedPiper]

Thank you, Vero. I'll respond more thoroughly when I can (am leaving soon), but I do want to say that I'm not sure our situation could ever be like yours. :/ Sometimes things are damaged beyond repair. I will always remember how he told me he hated me, the times he called me a bitch, the moments he would tell me I didn't communicate enough yet would cut me off when I tried to communicate even more explicitly, the days he would ignore me because he was angry at the world, etc. I didn't end our relationship still being in love. I love him as a person, but not as a partner, and I don't believe any amount of changing he could do would possibly make me fall in love with him again, yanno? I do miss his company and his friendship, but even then, I feel like it's more the idea I miss. Maybe some day we can be friends or maybe check in every once in a while, but if I'm being honest, I'm not sure he still realises the magnitude of his actions (but then, I didn't read the letter). I'm only responding to a very small part of what you said, I realise, but mom's non-boyfriend boyfriend has pulled up so I have to go for now. As I said, I'll respond more thoroughly later.

[ThePiedPiper]

Closing this thread.