Should I stop giving so much effort?

[chibij14]

From day 1 I have been the one to make majority of the effort but let me just try and focus on what happened last night... I'm a single mom who starts her day at 7am and goes until I'm in bed at about 10-11pm. My SO is just training for the NFL, lives at home, has no job, but trains 4-5 hours a day. He is a bit of a night owl so for the last month we've been apart and he's been home (FL), he doesn't get up until 4, 5, sometimes 6pm and starts his workout between 9-10pm. Supposedly this is supposed to change next week, starting Monday, but we'll see.

Anyway, in terms of our contact, I didn't like it before but I've grown accustomed to his call which is typically on his way to the gym. We just use that as a brief (average call: 10 minutes) "hello" to see how the day went and then we'll plan to Skype later. Remember, I have to go to work in the morning so what I've been doing is sleeping after our phonecall to save up for when we Skype 1-2 hours at 3am... It's been a really exhausting week for me but I want to talk to my SO so badly that this just seems to work, I guess.

Yesterday was Friday and the night before, when we got off Skype at about 4:30am, I was feeling very secure in our relationship. We had great conversation! Then yesterday I don't hear from him at all... The funny thing is, I made contact with a nice woman on this site who may be interested in networking with someone she knows who may be able to help scout my SO for his NFL dream. Yes, I made this contact and have been trying to follow up to help my SO's career which I've actually tried before. I work very hard to help his dream.

Well I texted my SO with excitement yesterday (maybe around 12pm) to tell him that the woman I met on here is willing to help and that I love him. I didn't expect to hear from him because it was only 12pm but figured we'd talk during our normal 9-10pm call, with a more extensive Skype chat later. Now, I do remember my SO telling me the night before that he was probably going to workout earlier so he'd also be done sooner than normal.

Once it was almost 11:30pm last night and I didn't hear from him I went to bed... upset. He finally texted me an hour later (12:20-ish) in a joking mood but I wasn't happy. He was just asking what I'm doing and I just texted "I was sleeping...", then he joked and asked why and I told him because. I wasn't being nice for a reason and then got tired of the games and asked what he's doing. He texted, "texting janelle (me)"... That just pissed me off so I ignored it, put my phone down, and tried to fall back asleep.

He called and I was just kinda blah with him so he asked if I wanted to Skype. I said something to the effect of wanting to since I hadn't heard from him all night and figured he wasn't going to hit me up. He just brushed it off but when we got on Skype I just told him flat out, nicely, I want him to understand that I look forward to hearing from him because this is all the contact I have with him. Especially since I took time to try and help him with networking for HIS career, plus the pictures I took time to send him the night before, the hotel I booked for us to have one very special night alone when I get there next Friday (not sleeping in separate rooms like we will at his mom and dad's).

Anyway, he wasn't mean but made excuses by saying he didn't get up until 7pm and then got busy and finally took his sister to workout around 9pm untiil just now when he started texting. I'm sorry but I told him I'm not looking for excuses as to why he thinks he was busy because I promise a 2-second text to say "thank you" in reply to mine or just SOMETHING while he's going to the bathroom, eating, or getting ready is not asking too much. Especially when I've gotten used to just taking his crappy 10-minute call RIGHT BEFORE he goes to the gym (I thought this but didn't actually say it) - You know?

I told him that right now none of this is my ideal time to be talking with him but I do it because I know I won't get the chance otherwise, so when he can't extend the courtesy to say something to me, even over text before I would generally go to bed, then that's pretty unfair in my opinion. I told him I don't have to do all the things I do but I would think that he would appreciate the effort and work a little harder at being considerate of me... the way I am for him. He still hadn't apologized and just kept saying that I shouldn't do those things then if I feel he's not matching my effort and that he doesn't think about things like I do.

He said that just got busy and wasn't thinking about hitting me up. I told him that is him basically saying he wasn't thinking about ME which is why a 2-second text didn't cross his mind because I'm low man on his priority list. He said that isn't true and that he told me he's sorry already. I said saying sorry followed by a list of excuses to justify your actions isn't a genuine apology. It's like saying "Sorry BUT..." - I hate that. Well we tried to talk but I was just too tired and too upset. He asked me when I'd be available tomorrow (today) and I told him I wasn't really sure because I really don't know. I'm just a single mom so plans are on a whim but I always make time for him because I recognize we're in a LDR.

He said he'd talk to me tomorrow then and I was very upset, started to get teary-eyed but hurried up and hopefully hung up before he could see it. I'm still pissed today and wondering what to do...

Sorry this was so long but would any of you just not answer him today OR just talk on the phone/text but not offer up Skype? I hate game playing but I wonder if he's too comfortable and knows I'm always willing to be available when it works for him, and the flip-side is if I told him, "I'm too tired to Skype" he'd probably just say "okay" and be fine with it! Ugh... I want to cry so hard right now... And now I am.

Basically, do I need to just take a leap back and stop Skyping with him for a bit to make him miss me more?! I'm so confused because he seems so appreciative some nights but then crap like this comes up that just pisses me off. It's not like I'm getting the best and complaining... I'm getting damn-near crumbs and saying "thank you".

[Kiyama]

I made it through your post

So I wouldn't start playing games. Games are silly and don't help to solve your issues.
But what I would do if I was you is to think about what YOU need and expect from this relationship. And the first point on this list should be to have a reasonable talk time because in all honesty, you're not doing anyone a favour to get up in the middle of the night. You have a child and a job and I'm afraid this will take a toll on you eventually. I understand you want to talk to him but it's very selfish of him not to pay any attention to your needs.
That I would communicate to him in a reasonable conversation and you can both work out a compromise.
I also feel that you use this to somehow emotionally blackmail him as in "I do so much for you, I even get up at 3 am so why don't you..." The thing is that this is unfair. To do that is ultimately your choice and you can't expect something in return for that.

With regard to the help on the job search.. Again, you aren't his mum. Why are you trying to sort out his life for him? It's very nice that you organised something for him but I wonder, if he's a bit embarrased about it? Maybe it's pride and that's why he didn't react the way he did?
Or you are generally upset because he's not putting much effort in the job search himself? His daily schedule doesn't sound like he has any time to squeeze that in.
In that case, and I can only assume here so if it isn't then just forget about what I'm saying now, it sounds like he's a lazy bum and you should do some thinking whether you really want to be with someone who needs mothering all the time.

I hope I could help a little.

[Dezface]

I think you are giving a whole lot of effort and he is giving practically none. All relationships, but especially long distance ones, require give and take. Everyone has to juggle their schedule to have the time to communicate with their SO. Many of us are in international LDR's and have to schedule around major time differences. We just make it work.

I hesitate to advise you to "play games" but...maybe showing him you aren't 100% available for his needs isn't a bad thing. I wouldn't be talking to him in the middle of the night. At all. Ever. That's unfair to you and he's grown to expect it. I would maybe still do the ten minute call and let him know you are available earlier in the day, but that's it. I guess though, that you have to be prepared for him being totally OK with barely talking to you. Then you have to decide if it's just because he needs less communication than you do, or because he really just doesn't care.

[stephanieaz]

This may sound a bit harsh, but it's not meant to. I read your post and felt like you're keeping score, which is not a healthy thing in a relationship. You should do these things for him because you love him, not because you expect something in return. I don't think it's playing games to stop being available at 3am when you should be asleep. Just sleep! If you are feeling like you are giving too much, then stop and give him an opportunity to do more.

Good luck!

[ThePiedPiper]

As opposed to playing games or "showing" him you're not available 100% of the time, why not tell him? You work and have a child and you can't keep skimping your sleep to Skype with him at 3a.m. because he can't find it in him to operate on a more normal schedule. He lives with his parents and does not work. I don't care whether or not he trains for something that, at his age, might not even happen at this point (I am assuming this is the SO from the other post that was on here a while ago) because it's an age where most NFL players are, as I'm aware, closer to ending their careers than starting for them. He's in his late-20's. He should be focused on starting a career, gaining experience, and moving out of his parents'
house, not focused on training all night and sleeping all day while his girlfriend dotes on him the same way his mother does. He's old enough to have some sense of independence, and however brutal that sounds, it's the truth. You have more responsibility and he's acting like a child. :/ If I were you, I would simply say you can't keep Skyping at 3a.m. every morning because you work and have your son/daughter to care for and waking up at 3a.m. while you try to sleep after he's called you from the gym isn't working for you. Besides, as a man with no job, what is he doing if he only trains 4 hours a day? He can't be sleeping for the other 20... ? There has to be some time within that 20 hours that he can call you and I would make it a point that you can't keep waking up that early in the morning for him anymore and let him figure out what time would be better for the both of you.

I would also let him handle his own job as much as possible and put him in touch if you find connections. He's a grown man and he won't learn how to take care of himself if you or his parents constantly bail him out.

[Tooki]

Your BF needs to understand that his NFL dreams will probably not happen. There are lots of players that are unsigned WITH NFL level experience. A lot of teams will also often hire players that they have previously had on their roster within the short term future.

He would be a very old rookie. The only players that I have seen enter the NFL at his age either play in the Canadian league or were a highly touted prospect coming out of college.

[LittleBox]

I agree with Eclaire/PiedPiper. Cut the mind games and flat out tell him, be open with your communication. Trying to subtly give him the message will only drag your frustrations out if it doesn't register with him. He seems to have a more flexible schedule so rather than you trying to slot him at 3am I'd suggest he try accommodating you at a more reasonable time.

[Moon]

I completely agree with both Tooki and PiedPiper. Between their two posts, there's not much more to add, except to say that you're a mother, you're used to mothering people, are you sure that isn't what you're doing to him?

Personally, I'd never put up with 3am skyping from a guy with no job, in the same timezone as me. Also, your encouragement of what, at this point, is a very unrealistic dream isn't helping him, he doesn't sound like he has the discipline to ever make it happen anyway. You're being taken advantage of, stop mothering him and let him get his own shit together. If he can't stand on his own two feet, by himself, he's not the kind of partner you want to have, especially with a kid.

I think you need to see what he's willing to do on his own, and if he'll put any effort into the relationship, when left to his own devices. I don't see that as playing games, I see it as finding out how invested in the relationship he really is. Good luck.

[Heavenly_Love12]

I had an issue with communication with my SO for a bit. In my case, our work schedules conflicted horribly and he was working a ton and would go to bed soon after getting off. I would get upset at the lack of communication effort on his part. I would send him emails, call and leave him a message, and text him. Instead of playing games, I just told him how I was feeling and he made a genuine effort to contact me more! It's still difficult to talk some days but it's so much better than before and we cherish the times that we can have long conversations.

You feel like your SO isn't meeting you halfway, just tell him flat out. I wouldn't play games because that will probably make things worse. I don't think you should be wearing yourself out trying to stay up to talk to him or getting up at 3 in the morning to talk to him but he should appreciate the effort that you are making. I think that it's easy to get caught up in things and not realize that you're not being attentive, but his schedule sounds pretty open so I don't think he should be having as much trouble. Good luck to you!

[Sora1101]

As opposed to playing games or "showing" him you're not available 100% of the time, why not tell him? You work and have a child and you can't keep skimping your sleep to Skype with him at 3a.m. because he can't find it in him to operate on a more normal schedule. He lives with his parents and does not work. I don't care whether or not he trains for something that, at his age, might not even happen at this point (I am assuming this is the SO from the other post that was on here a while ago) because it's an age where most NFL players are, as I'm aware, closer to ending their careers than starting for them. He's in his late-20's. He should be focused on starting a career, gaining experience, and moving out of his parents'
house, not focused on training all night and sleeping all day while his girlfriend dotes on him the same way his mother does. He's old enough to have some sense of independence, and however brutal that sounds, it's the truth. You have more responsibility and he's acting like a child. :/ If I were you, I would simply say you can't keep Skyping at 3a.m. every morning because you work and have your son/daughter to care for and waking up at 3a.m. while you try to sleep after he's called you from the gym isn't working for you. Besides, as a man with no job, what is he doing if he only trains 4 hours a day? He can't be sleeping for the other 20... ? There has to be some time within that 20 hours that he can call you and I would make it a point that you can't keep waking up that early in the morning for him anymore and let him figure out what time would be better for the both of you.

I would also let him handle his own job as much as possible and put him in touch if you find connections. He's a grown man and he won't learn how to take care of himself if you or his parents constantly bail him out.

this, a million times this. I used to do this with my SO and finally I had to put my foot down and tell him that I can't be the only one sacrificing for our relationship. You both need to contribute equally and if he can't handle reworking his schedule to include you then I think you're better off finding someone who seems to appreciate you more.

[Dove87]

I've been in this similar situation before. It gets frustrating when you haven't seen each other in a long time. I don't wanna sound like an A$$ but I think you are overreacting. Guys need their space sometimes. I started college a few months ago, and I get up at 6 am. I have to go to bed earlier now. So when my boyfriend doesn't get on Skype, doesn't answer the phone, or text me back around 10pm to 11:30pm.. I just go to sleep. Usually he is just hanging out with his best friend or busy with his work. I trust him completely. Most the time he does text me back and says he won't be on til late... and I just say well I'm going to bed. lol. In the beginning of our relationship, I did not keep on schedule as good... he would always call and leave messages, saying "Sarah where are you?" Most the time I was just sleeping. :P

[sewbama]

How did it get to the point where you are waking up in the middle of your night of sleep to talk to him? Why can't he get up in the middle of his sleep to talk to you? He obviously wants to talk to you, so you are sacrificing so he can. But he has nothing to sacrifice. Let him make it work.

Yea, you are putting in way more effort than him. And if it bugs you, you have to tell him. No to the games and all that, but if you are sleeping and can't talk, tell him (and if you are sleeping, you can't talk -- quit this waking up to skype crap unless he has a pressing schedule that requires it). If you want him to grow up and be there for you when you need him, tell him. He can take it. I don't think he's doing anything malicious, but he needs to be told what you need. Otherwise he'll think you need someone to mother, which he's currently happy to be. He needs a little wake up call that you are making sacrifices to make this work, all for him. He needs to make an effort at least.

[ams.201220]

Ugh. Sometimes I feel like that too! And I get so pissed off, because I'm all like "I'm the only one who cares about this relationships, yada yada yada." And he then gets irritated. But our situation is different. He works 12 hours a day, five days a week, so when I get pushy to do things during the week, he gets irritated. But in your situation, it seems like your SO could put in more effort, just because he doesn't need to wake up as late as he does. He can still go train and work out and stuff, but I feel that to take you into consideration, he needs to wake up a bit earlier.