after 1 year he says what if you won't like me when we meet?!

[innocentbutterfly]

correct me if i'm wrong, but LDR starts when you're completely sure of your love, right? im in this LDR a year now and he says the other night, 'what if you wont like me if we meet someday? what will you do, what would you do?' already words if and someday make me think like he is not serious, or doesn't believe it, or is doubting it? he said I shouldn't ask him why he asked that, that it just crossed his mind. is he maybe getting cold feet? or getting bored? i'm worried, i don't know what to think. We didn't met yet due to his no passport yet nor visa problem and money problem and im saving to come see him and it would be my first time travelling...
what do you think is going on? is he trying to tell me in reality that he is not sure if he will like me and is just asking me that to cover it? he said you didn't see me in real yet and i said i saw you on photos, videos, cam, how real can that get, its as close to real as possible...i dont know guys, help me with advice please

[innocentbutterfly]

by the way, let me remind you that our relationship is not an open one, first day we started we agreed, this is real and we are together as if we would already meet, meaning no partying, hanging out with opposite sex, accepting invitations to drinks and all that stuff.

[ThePiedPiper]

It sounds like he's nervous and may be questioning what happens when you meet since you're working towards making it happen. Expectations can be quite frightening in a LDR because even if you know what you're "getting," so to speak, there's always an element of mystery, especially since we're often fed the idea that people might not be who they say they are. It tends to plant a seed of suspicion no matter how comfortable we are with meeting people online and I would guess there's more at stake considering you've been in a relationship for a year. My guess would be this is not personal, but jitters.

[innocentbutterfly]

the thing is i know him very well and i know he doesnt have those 'deep thoughts' usually, or at least he's not very open about them, so to hear it from him now its a bit weird to me. i yet have to ask him how he meant this whole dont like thing, in what way and all, but I feel a bit down about it. He tells me all time he has no doubts and always tells me i shouldnt have them too when i feel a bit doubtful and now this... yes, i agree with all you said, but you can know if you're gonna 'like' the person in real too, i mean one wouldnt start a relationship like this if this was biggest doubt, right? I mean, i wouldn't even consider visiting and starting it if I knew i dont like him at all at 1st glance, let alone I love him now, I know it and I know this can't change, I only know that maybe he is talking about 'habits', but I can deal with that, I know those are something I yet have to learn about him.

[Mellow]

I agree... He's probably nervous.
Insecure about how your reaction might be. What would you do if you were him, and you FINALLY meet your SO, but your SO expected you to be different and doesn't like you as much.... I think its a doubt that a lot of people who - met online/haven't met yet - and in a LDR. [Me and my SO both sometimes feel this way]
He's sure about loving you, that you are the real thing for him. Don't worry, honestly.

It takes awhile to get to know each other properly, so he might keep suprising you with things like this.
Talking with him about the subject is probably good for both, h
e can out his thoughts about the subject, and you'll be hearing more information, no?



* Video calls and like can help alot too.... You'll get familiar with eachothers movements etc... Cannot prevent every possible failed expectation though. :3

[innocentbutterfly]

Thank you Mellow, your words calm me at least a little and I get it there's a bit of nervousness involved and as I said above, mainly here this whole thing is about character/behaviour/habits, right? If I love him now, im sure I can deal with all this too. I mean I dont have any high expectations, I know us meeting will be way different than talking online or on cam and I'm prepared for it. Its also true he's a shy type, so here might be this factor involved too?

[Mellow]

I'm glad to hear that ^_^ You can message me anytime if you need anything.

Anyway, I think habits and such can be involved too. Those things are rather minor, he probably knows huge chunks of your character by now, am I wrong?
You can deal with it! c: Be positive, don't let yourself drive you crazy...
I think it is a good thing that you don't really have high expectations, that way it is easy not to get dissapointed ^^
Him being shy? Yes. I think that can be a factor for him. Due the fact that he is shy, he might act a little different when meeting in real life, right? I mean, saying things in chat doesn't really take much, anyone can do that, but face to face.... can be tricky
And even if he's a bit different when first meeting; It'll probably change when you get more comfortable around each other, spend some time together etc.

[innocentbutterfly]

yeah my character isnt hard to know cause im such a positive and always cheerful person and im very open when I get comfortable with a person, so yeah he knows plenty. I hope you're all right and thats just nerves kicking in, ill talk with him more about it to see what he might say more and thanks a lot, I'll keep in mind if I need any help )

[kiara_silver]

I said some of those things to my SO. We were together 2 years before we met and I was madly in love with him. But I had the paranoid panics of what if im not what he thought in person. What if he isn't attracted me what if what if. I never was worried about how I would feel. I loved him so much but my insecurities get to me. In my case it was my first relationship and the only man ever to be attracted to me hadnt seen me in person, so I let the panic creep in. In the end it was silly worries. I wouldnt worry. Hes probably just excited nervous and a lil self concious. I would just reasure him.

[MattDavies86]

by the way, let me remind you that our relationship is not an open one, first day we started we agreed, this is real and we are together as if we would already meet, meaning no partying, hanging out with opposite sex, accepting invitations to drinks and all that stuff.

This part is a bit extreme isn't it? Where's the trust lol, if someone in a relationships wants to go out and party with their friends they should be allowed to, or talk to people of the opposite gender, doesn't mean they're going to jump the first girl/boy that comes along, they shouldn't want to, never good to say to each other you can't do this or that...within reason.

About your SO saying "IF" he could just be scared that you won't like him and looking for re-assurance from you, after all you've seen pics and videos, you have a damn good idea what he looks like and seem happy about that, and then personality is equally important, if you've lasted a year then you both get on great! So I'd say there's nothing to worry about, probably just something stupid he came out with.

[Black_Halloween]

[QUOTE=MattDavies86;258273]This part is a bit extreme isn't it? Where's the trust lol, if someone in a relationships wants to go out and party with their friends they should be allowed to, or talk to people of the opposite gender, doesn't mean they're going to jump the first girl/boy that comes along, they shouldn't want to, never good to say to each other you can't do this or that...within reason.

I agree with this.

[Softy]

It's perfectly normal to stress or doubt and be anxious in a LDR.
Even after meeting for the 1st time, even myself i sometimes get scared he will forget about me because i'm far from him.
It's perfectly normal.

What you both need to do is to keep communication open and talk about your doubts.
And be there for each other : )

[summerkid]

generally, I agree with MattDavies and Black_Halloween.. but there might be some underlying cultural aspects at play. so....

Also.. yep, being in the same situation, I totally agree with everybody else. It's just jitters/insecurities. Because it's prbably very important for the both of you, you don't want anything to go wrong. And sometimes you overthink things. It happens. Just reassure him
And good luck!

[princessmeg1328]

I have to agree with what everybody else said. It's probably just nerves. It's completely normal to be nervous before meeting someone that you've only talked to online. My husband and I actually met in person and were separated for about two months before seeing each other again. I was a huge bag of nerves! The visit had some ups and downs, but now we're married. I couldn't be happier with anybody else. Just take everything one step at a time. Like Softy said, keep communication open and talk about your doubts. The fact that he even mentioned it to you is a good thing. It means he trusts you. Just give him some reassurance and everything will be just fine.

[innocentbutterfly]

I said some of those things to my SO. We were together 2 years before we met and I was madly in love with him. But I had the paranoid panics of what if im not what he thought in person. What if he isn't attracted me what if what if. I never was worried about how I would feel. I loved him so much but my insecurities get to me. In my case it was my first relationship and the only man ever to be attracted to me hadnt seen me in person, so I let the panic creep in. In the end it was silly worries. I wouldnt worry. Hes probably just excited nervous and a lil self concious. I would just reasure him.

wow we are kinda in the same boat here, minus the panic, i didn't let it get to me so far, i never thought this deep into in, because I know I am sure and if he would stay one year with me and wasn't sure then i dont know what could I think of him, what would be his reason to waste time if he wasnt 'feeling it', right?
yeah, i talked ot him, he said he didn't think anything about it, that it just crossed his mind, I don't know how real he was about that, but he likes to make fun and make me nervous saying jokes when I asked him to answer it, he joked around 'i would say "i think i dont like you" i said he wouldn't make me come all the way there to visit just to tell me that then and if he wasnt sure and he just said I have to be sure, that I am his love, his life, but you know those little jokes got to me a little, I mean if something like it would happen, I just can't and dont wan't to imagine it, a guy that I love, me visiting and then he tells me he doesn't like me, after a year and with all the wait, i don't think its possible?
damn now I'm already letting this get to me to far

This part is a bit extreme isn't it? Where's the trust lol, if someone in a relationships wants to go out and party with their friends they should be allowed to, or talk to people of the opposite gender, doesn't mean they're going to jump the first girl/boy that comes along, they shouldn't want to, never good to say to each other you can't do this or that...within reason.

About your SO saying "IF" he could just be scared that you won't like him and looking for re-assurance from you, after all you've seen pics and videos, you have a damn good idea what he looks like and seem happy about that, and then personality is equally important, if you've lasted a year then you both get on great! So I'd say there's nothing to worry about, probably just something stupid he came out with.

We trust each other, its just his how would i express this "rule", he is muslim, his culture, everything taught him thiks way and I don't mind it as long as we keep it rational and he doesn't start ordering me. He doesn't mind me having friends, but outing alone with just guy friends (school mates, etc) this is a no-no for him and obviously "strranger" guys like meeting a guy and agreeing to a drink if you know what i mean. Friends don0t bother him, but outings he doesn't bear with opposites. Thats why he doesn't like me partying too. Its not really a problem since I don't party anyway as he doesn't, so we are on the same wavelength here.
Friends are okay otherwise to go out, but he has to know what I'm doing or you know where I'm going, so he doesn't worry. He always tells me he trusts me, but not to other guys and well in the end i understand him. Its not like i trust or like girls around him too

also, as i already said above, i asked him why he asked and he said he didn't have anything particular in mind, just that he wanted to know. But it's also true we both have a hell of a temper, so we got through many fights in our relationship, but I guess that all comes with it, right?