Super Jealous of His Family

[meowth812]

I've been with my SO for over two years now, and I've had this problem since the beginning -- but since we've entered the LDR, it's gotten super bad.

To sum it up, I'm basically a super jealous monster when it comes to his family. He belongs to one of those really tight-knit families in which everyone is always up in each other's business and helping out, etc. I come from a family that was really great about letting you do your own thing and once you get married and start your own, you basically split. You saw your extended family maybe once a year, and you didn't really want to see them anyway. Family is absolutely not important where I come from. So I am already very unfamiliar with how his family functions.

My SO is in his late twenties now, and he still lives with his parents because they agreed to pay 100% of his schooling as long as they didn't have to pay for housing. He has gotten dragged around from place to place and has had to change universities three times because his parents feel the need to move wherever the grandchildren (his nieces) are, regardless of how much it might compromise his education and now his job. He currently commutes over six hours a day to and from his job (he will soon be moving closer, but only whenever he starts making money to live on his own). Ever since his first niece was born, he was expected to be around pretty much all the time, and he still babysits them all almost every day and takes them everywhere they need to go. In my view, he is pretty much acting as their dad while his sister and her husband work.

And as a jealous female that wants all of his attention... this is NOT COOL. It makes me very angry and jealous, because not only did he spend (in my view) a ridiculous amount of time with these kids that aren't his, but now that we're away from each other, it feels like he spends 95% devoted to them and only 5% to me. I feel selfish about feeling upset about this, because I know that he is obligated by his family to help out and that what he's doing is actually really nice. But I seriously feel like I have to scream at him and act ridiculous in order for him to say no to his family long enough to get a Skype session in, and it's starting to really depress me.

Yes, I have discussed this with him several times, and he claims that 1) part of the trade-off of getting free school/house/car/whatever else is helping his family whenever they call on him, and 2) that I am still #1 to him and that he wants to do anything to make me happy, and 3) that he is trying ridiculously hard to make me feel like #1 and that he doesn't understand why I don't feel like I am. It's getting to the point where he feels inadequate because I seem sad all the time and things are just getting crappy.

So overall, I wonder if anyone has any words of advice on how to overcome the jealousy that pops up when he spends time with his family doing completely unnecessary stuff for these kids that he didn't sign up for. My jealousy is expressed as rage, and then I often say hurtful things about his nieces and about him and he gets his feelings hurt. I don't want that. And because he just signed a job contract, I am going to have to learn to deal with this for at least the next two years (possibly much longer).

Sorry this post is so long; I'm terrible at keeping things short. Thanks for reading and for any advice you have!

[snow_girl]

You are angry that he is spending time with kids that aren't his? They are his family! To those kids he is uncle. I know you only want to have his attention but I think you need to take a few breaths and re read this as an outsider. I feel like you are being slightly over the top about this. He said that he tries to make you feel like number 1, but that doesn't mean catering to your ever demand. Try setting skype dates and sticking to them where you have his attention, but getting angry over spending time is a little ridiculous.

[Zephii]

I know it can be hard to understand things you have never experienced, my family and my SO's family dynamics are quite different and occasionally that brings out my rage beast, or one of us says something horrible because the other team seem like nutcases/arseholes/whatever.

But, from an outside perspective, this is what it looks like:

You have a lazy boyfriend who instead of earning his own way in the world is relying on his parents far longer than necessary.. far longer than is appropriate. And because he wants this financial leg-up in the world, he's going to do things that aren't always at the top of his "want to do" list - like giving favours and moving house whenever suits the people he is sponging off.

Meanwhile, just because they are not his children doesn't mean anything; they are his bloodline. They are family. They are the closest thing to his children he will ever have aside from his own. Besides, have you ever heard the saying "it takes a village to raise a child"? That is totally true. It's so hard to raise kids by yourself without that extra support and half the time if parents do manage that the kids are a bit disadvantaged (at least socio-emotionally). He is doing the right thing by these kids - even in the event the parents are using him. Does that make sense?

My concern here is this: Family is obviously very important to him, and not so much for you. Can you handle that because of this his family are going to play a part in your relationship? Can you accept that for the rest of your lives he is going to give them his time? - time that you will likely see as wasted? Will you be able to understand that if you have kids, he will want them to be close with his nieces? Can you reconcile these differences in the long run?

As for overcoming the jealousy, I think the only way you're going to manage that is if you can bring yourself to understand his point of view. If you could relate to how he feels, and maybe even grow to love these kids too, it will help you resent this situation less. Remember that the kids are not to blame. They are just children, and they deserve and need his love just as much, if not more, than you do.

[Amelia]

I come from a huge and extremely close family, we pretty much see eachother all the time plus support one another when it comes to sport and music gigs this can take up alot of my time. When my bf does visit me, he comes with me i know he would rather be alone with me but he realises how important family is to me and he wants to make me happy so he gets more involved with my family. i think you need to accept that his family is part of your relationship.

I think you need to remember that families mean different things to different people and maybe if you took a greater interest in getting to know his family you might change your opinion on his family plus his nieces.

Get involved with his family who knows you might actually end up loving his nieces just as much as he does

[lyonsgirl]

So.... funny story. I'm in a similar situation. He lives at home-but he's graduated from college. He has a full time job, at a retail store. So it's not the best situation. The problem with it is retail means he walks a ton of hours, and they're weird hours. Plus, he has two younger sisters who are in middle & high school. Which means he gets to be designated chauffeur on a regular basis.

I love his family. I know that because he lives at home he has family commitments. He has work commitments, and he's volunteering at his church which means he has his church commitments too. Which, I admit, is hard on me. I thought I had told him this before but apparently I hadn't. I broke down on the phone to him the other night, and he admitted that he hadn't been the best at it.

I definitely agree with Zephii's concerns, though. And snow_girl's. If he says he is doing what he can to keep you number 1, the only thing you can do is believe him. And have patience. You said that you are still sort of new at being in a LDR (in your intro post), and so patience is something that you'll need to learn to have a lot of. My SO & I have been LD for probably 70% of our relationship, and it's still something I'm struggling with. But-thank goodness for LFAD. It's definitely been helping me with patience and frustration and everything else.

I know it's not the best advice, but relax. Know that he loves you-and that because he is living at home he does still have family commitments. But, if he's commuting 6 hours a day for work... maybe it's time he move out or find a job closer to where he lives now? I dunno, I wouldn't want to travel 6 hours for work on a daily basis.

[ThePiedPiper]

I can see where he would have a hard time determining the pay-off. School isn't cheap. If he's in his late 20s, I'm assuming he's doing some form of a graduate degree program? Depending on the degree program and if it's a 2-, 3- or 4-year program, he could easily graduate with tens of thousands dollars worth of debt, especially since getting financial aid or any form of financial help when you come from an affluent family/background is difficult. It's difficult even for middleclass families. So I don't see him as lazy and sponging, especially not when he's making a 6 hour commute to work and especially not when there are strings attached to the money he's receiving, which it sounds like there are; he may or may not have explained each of the individual strings to you. My grandfather paid my way through undergrad and I have never felt so confined or tied down as I have in this program he's paid me through. Do I appreciate it? Yes, wholly and completely. I would not have been able to get through university without him. However, there are string attached to the money and you don't always see these as an outsider, so it's possible there's more to the story than even you're seeing.

However, I agree with almost everything Zephii said here:

Meanwhile, just because they are not his children doesn't mean anything; they are his bloodline. They are family. They are the closest thing to his children he will ever have aside from his own. Besides, have you ever heard the saying "it takes a village to raise a child"? That is totally true. It's so hard to raise kids by yourself without that extra support and half the time if parents do manage that the kids are a bit disadvantaged (at least socio-emotionally). He is doing the right thing by these kids - even in the event the parents are using him. Does that make sense?

My concern here is this: Family is obviously very important to him, and not so much for you. Can you handle that because of this his family are going to play a part in your relationship? Can you accept that for the rest of your lives he is going to give them his time? - time that you will likely see as wasted? Will you be able to understand that if you have kids, he will want them to be close with his nieces? Can you reconcile these differences in the long run?

As for overcoming the jealousy, I think the only way you're going to manage that is if you can bring yourself to understand his point of view. If you could relate to how he feels, and maybe even grow to love these kids too, it will help you resent this situation less. Remember that the kids are not to blame. They are just children, and they deserve and need his love just as much, if not more, than you do.

[SeeRat]

I also belong to an extremely close family. We live together and help each other in almost everything. I am also helping my bro and his wife with kids as its really very hard for ONLY parents to raise them. My thinking is if you love someone you gonna like the people whom he/she loves. As Amelia said get involved with his family you might end up loving his family as much as he does. I Agree with zephii's concerns, you should think about all these questions these are definitely going to effect your relationship in the long run.

[Rugger]

If my boyfriend ever pulled the shit you are pulling, he'd be out the door in a heartbeat. My family is the most important thing in my life, no questions asked. My boyfriend knows this. He knows that I have a commitment and obligation to them that trumps everything. He got over it a long time ago

My advice? Get over it. If you try and make him choose between you and his family, he's going to choose his family. Try and get to know them, skype them, talk to them on the phone. You might just come to love them too. My boyfriend loves my family and they all adore him because instead of being selfish and resentful of all the time I spent with them, he got to know them

[meowth812]

I can see where he would have a hard time determining the pay-off. School isn't cheap. If he's in his late 20s, I'm assuming he's doing some form of a graduate degree program? Depending on the degree program and if it's a 2-, 3- or 4-year program, he could easily graduate with tens of thousands dollars worth of debt, especially since getting financial aid or any form of financial help when you come from an affluent family/background is difficult.

The thing is, he hasn't finished his undergrad yet. The reason why is because his family has been dragging him all over the state every time the grandkids move, and so he's had to switch universities quite a few times. A lot of the credits ended up being nontransferrable. I think this is also why I get so angry over this situation -- I think that's bull to do that to your kid... offer to pay for the college, but make it very difficult and repetitive to obtain the actual degree. One time they up and moved mid-semester and didn't let him stay through the end of the term. They have him tied down completely with the money situation. I see his family as people who set him back over and over with the guise of helping him. I know it frustrates him, which makes me angry for him, too. The good news is that he landed a fantastic career without the degree, but he might have to finish it at a later point. I believe he'll be moving closer to the job once he makes enough to get out... and he sure will be glad.

So I just need to be patient and focus on the good...

[meowth812]

If my boyfriend ever pulled the shit you are pulling, he'd be out the door in a heartbeat. My family is the most important thing in my life, no questions asked. My boyfriend knows this. He knows that I have a commitment and obligation to them that trumps everything. He got over it a long time ago

My advice? Get over it. If you try and make him choose between you and his family, he's going to choose his family. Try and get to know them, skype them, talk to them on the phone. You might just come to love them too. My boyfriend loves my family and they all adore him because instead of being selfish and resentful of all the time I spent with them, he got to know them

I thought that was a bit harsh and not encouraging. I don't think the goal of this forum is to make someone feel terrible about themselves.

For the record, he told me (without me asking or egging it out of them) that he would choose me over them in a heartbeat, but that he is financially unable to at the moment and has obligations to fulfill. He's told me that his family bothers the crap out of him, and he can't wait to get out, although he does love and will miss his nieces. Part of the reason I get so angry is because they expect him to do EVERYTHING with no reciprocation.

[ThePiedPiper]

The thing is, he hasn't finished his undergrad yet. The reason why is because his family has been dragging him all over the state every time the grandkids move, and so he's had to switch universities quite a few times. A lot of the credits ended up being nontransferrable. I think this is also why I get so angry over this situation -- I think that's bull to do that to your kid... offer to pay for the college, but make it very difficult and repetitive to obtain the actual degree. One time they up and moved mid-semester and didn't let him stay through the end of the term. They have him tied down completely with the money situation. I see his family as people who set him back over and over with the guise of helping him. I know it frustrates him, which makes me angry for him, too. The good news is that he landed a fantastic career without the degree, but he might have to finish it at a later point. I believe he'll be moving closer to the job once he makes enough to get out... and he sure will be glad.

So I just need to be patient and focus on the good...

Oh wow, I had assumed he was doing a graduate degree my now. :/ That's incredibly frustrating and incredibly selfish, as well. I can't imagine why anyone would put their child through that, especially to avoid paying for housing when constantly switching universities and having to re-do x-amount of credits probably costs more than if they chose an on- or even off-campus housing option. :/

[Moon]

Let's all put this in perspective for a moment...this dude is in his late twenties, right? Well, WTF, quit blaming his family, this is all on him. If he doesn't like his situation, he's completely free to pull up his big boy pants and take out student loans, like everyone else. I mean, seriously, you're here bitching about his family, when all HE has to do is move out, get a job, and finish school at night, just like adults are supposed to do. Of course he isn't going to, because it's much easier to live at home and not have to take any real responsibility for himself, and then feed you some bullshit about how it's all his family's fault. Wakeup, sweetheart. And here you are blasting children for your boyfriend's unwillingness to help himself

Say I'm harsh and unhelpful now, if you want, but if you really think about it, you'll discover I'm right.

[Zephii]

Let's all put this in perspective for a moment...this dude is in his late twenties, right? Well, WTF, quit blaming his family, this is all on him. If he doesn't like his situation, he's completely free to pull up his big boy pants and take out student loans, like everyone else. I mean, seriously, you're here bitching about his family, when all HE has to do is move out, get a job, and finish school at night, just like adults are supposed to do. Of course he isn't going to, because it's much easier to live at home and not have to take any real responsibility for himself, and then feed you some bullshit about how it's all his family's fault. Wakeup, sweetheart. And here you are blasting children for your boyfriend's unwillingness to help himself

Say I'm harsh and unhelpful now, if you want, but if you really think about it, you'll discover I'm right.

Have I declared my love for you today?

[ams.201220]

I totally understand. My SO is extremely close to his extended family, and I could care less for mine. So I often get jealous because of it, and I end up turning into some crazy person. I told him and he asked me if I was jealous about it, and when I thought about it, I was. I really wanted what he had since I was little and I still get aggravated when he has to leave me to do family things. But I want his family to be mine and I need to let him do it. My SO is still living with his parents, because he's waiting for boot camp to start, and I really just support him through that. He works a lot, so I just deal with it. But definitely talk to him about the fact that you're jealous, and see what he can do to help you. When I have a problem, I go to my SO and it normally gets sorted out because just hearing advice or ideas from him makes it ten times better! Also, try and make some friends on here that you can complain about things to! Haha, that's what I do! It helps to get opinions from girlfriends.