What would you do? Decisions about school and family

[Riyko]

As everyone knows, i was up in Canada for college which is where I met my boyfriend. Right now i'm in a tough spot I was suppose to go with my guy to Chile, but that didn't work out because his dad wouldn't budge on his rules (which I completely understand) so neither of us are going to Chile.

I'm really split between two decisions, I could go back to school in Canada at George Brown and take a program I would love which would be 2 years (4 semesters) or I can stay home and work. It may seem like an easy decision which is be with your guy, but it's harder then that and I will explain why.

I've been away from home for 3 years, I was here when my first nephew was born, but I haven't been home for any of his birthdays and he keeps asking me if I will be gone on his birthday (it's heartbreaking because he gets really sad when he says it, I took care of him a lot when he was really little because his parents worked and he remembers that). I wasn't here when my other nephew was born and I haven't been here for any of his birthdays, so he doesn't know me except for seeing me twice in his life, he's confused when he sees me and I want him to know me more. Well I have a niece or nephew on the way and it's due in December, I will be there when it's born but then I will be gone less then a month after it's born.

I also know that if I go my mom will be alone again and it will delay my dad from retiring as he won't retire until i'm done with school to make sure I can afford it. As well as I feel guilty because my mom is going to be buying me a brand new car and I don't want it to just sit and not be driven, something else is I have student loans to pay off as well as I owe my boyfriend some money due to him lending me some for school.

With school yes I will be with him for 2 years, but we will both be busy as well me with school him with work. Seems easy enough because we will still get to spend time together, wrong we will be living with his brother until my guy has been working for 6 months in which time his dad will help him pay for an apartment. Living with his brother doesn't seem like it will be a problem, but the thing is we won't get any privacy as their apartment is a 1 bedroom so my boyfriend sleeps in the living room, but his brother also has a lot of friends from south american countries over until 3-5am every day and (no offence to any spanish speakers especially from South America) they talk in Spanish really loudly even when you ask them to be quiet. I feel uncomfortable being around his brothers friends because even after knowing I don't speak spanish they continue to talk to me in spanish (like i'm going to magically understand what they are saying and speak back) and they exclude me from conversations like i'm not even there, my guy has even told his brother and his brothers friends it's fine to talk in spanish around me, but if your talking to me please speak to me in english (they all know english really well).

My guy really wants me to go back to school up there so we can spend more time together, but he knows how stressful the situation is for me and he knows what i'm dealing with here about my nephews and family. He told me it's up to me, but I want some more outside opinions and advice.

So knowing what you know if it was you in this situation what would you do?

[LadyMarchHare]

Is the program essential to your career choice or would it be just for the sake of enjoyment?

It is indeed a tough choice, but family certainly does need to come first. You obviously care enough about your family and parents to have this be a conflict to begin with, so that shows that your loyalty needs to lie with them for right now. Plus it seems like there are more negatives if you do indeed return to school not only to take this program but to see your SO as well. The living situation is not ideal for both of you and personally I wouldn't feel safe nor respected with his brother having over friends or whatever they are at all hours. That's potential invasion of privacy and harassment, not to mention frustration because there's a language barrier and I doubt anyone would translate if your SO isn't there.

Like I said, return home and spend time with them and get to know your nephew. Being in a relationship does not mean forgetting about everyone else just to be with them. Despite my dislike for both sides of my family I still feel uneasy about the potential day I leave them to be with my SO if he does not come here first. It won't be forever and I'm sure he would understand why you wouldn't return with him.

[vinzter]

I agree with the above. Is the program you want to take something you cannot take anywhere else or not take as distance learning? I assume that you are currently living at home and that where you are at now you can spend time with both your SO and your family. You have not said if you have your undergrad yet. A bachelor's degree is basically the minimum any more and a master's can be obtained while you are starting your career. In fact, many employers offer tuition assistance to further your education to benefit the company. This is not a mountain of an issue. Take a deep breath and start looking at ALL of your options. I wish you the very best!

[Laura]

Hmm... well, first of all I'd say put yourself first when it comes to the education side of things. As for the family situation... would you not be able to visit them if you do go and do that course? My mum will be on her own a lot when I go to uni, because my stepdad works away, and while I'd rather she wasn't, I wouldn't jeopardize my education - after all, it's not like I can't visit now and then. Your boyfriend's brother's friends sound like they're being deliberately awkward and obnoxious - has his brother not said anything to them? They're being out of order.
Fundamentally, it's your decision - I'm sure you'll make the right one :-)

[Silviar]

I think you need to make the decision based on what's best for your future as a whole, and not just your relationship. Being young, a stable career start-up is vital; if school and then work is the best way to accomplish your life goals, you should do it, but if you're better served staying at home and paying off the loans/etc, then I'd go that route. I would write a list of pros and cons - nothing fancy, just a sheet of paper, and see where it takes you. You need to do what's best based on your value system and priorities.

[Riyko]

Thank you for the advice so far.

The program I want to get into is Intervenor for Deaf-Blind People and is only taught at George Brown College so if I want to do it I have to go there and I can't do it through Distance Learning because you have to do 3 semesters of Co-Op. It's something I wanted to do for a while, but held back on doing it because I didn't want to swich schools when I was almost done with my program. I have my undergrad in Finance. My parents said they support me in what ever I choose to do.

In canada they get two weeks off between semesters so I would only be able to visit for 1 week in May and then for the 3 weeks for christmas break. It's a bit expensive to fly back to Utah a lot it's around $300-$400 round trip. His brother has told his friends about how rude it is and that it's not acceptable, but they haven't listened to him. I talked to his brother about 2 hours ago and he had some of his friends over and they we're being rude and calling me names in spanish (that I understood), I asked him why they treat me like that and he said they have told him it's because the countries (Venezuela and Colombia) they are from don't like the country i'm from (The U.S) so they feel it's ok to treat me badly.

I like the idea of the pros and cons list, I will do that for sure.

[machstx]

[/QUOTE] You need to do what's best based on your value system and priorities.[/QUOTE]
i really liked the above she is so right.. last year i did something simular to what your thinking about doing. i moved to be near my family and a job that would get me out of debt, quite school and left my boyfriend. i was missing out on my sisters life and missed her very badly (shes like my daughter). however, our plan is for me to pay off my debt and god willing transfer back to where my bf is. maybe thats why it was easier to do this beacuse i know we will eventually be together.

what is your plan if u go back home as far as being together?

i missed my family so badly and felt so alone when i was gone and now that im back my bf and i have grown so much closer that i feel confident about being away frm my family. the first part of my advice is go and be with your family. you cant get those years back. but make concreate plans with your bf you will both feel less pressure about the relatiionship not working if you know you will be together eventually. i personally feel more secure. if you really want to take that career path you need to go back to canada but if you are equally wanting to go to school for something else that you can take at home than do that but if not than you should go to canada. its your future and thats everthing.

sorry its all choppy its been a long day! but i hope it helps. i was surprised to hear how simular your story is to mine. keep in touch with your thoughts and decisions take care

[Riyko]

I'm actually back home with my family right now or my mom and my dog (long story short my dad is in texas for work and he's going to retire soon and be back in utah). We are staying together there is no question about that, but we've decided that if we want it to work out we have to see each other very often. We've decided to see each other every other month for a week for two at a time. When I go and visit him in August we are going to come up with a plan on what we are going to do both short term and long term. To me the most important thing for him to do is find a job, he feels the same for me.

it does help me =)