Lying So I Won't Get Mad

[meowth812]

I'm having an issue that pertains to my SO lying to me so I won't get mad at him/so I'll stop pressuring him/so I'll not get my feelings hurt. I'll give a few examples.

- He had to move with his family to a new town in order to be closer to his sister and her kids. I asked him where he was moving, because I knew he still had to work in the capital city and his sister lived over three hours away from there. He told me a city that was in between so that the commute would be easier. Several months later, when I was trying to send him a gift, I found out that the address he gave me was bogus (I checked on Google Maps just to make sure I wasn't wasting my postage from a silly mistake) and I confronted him about it. He got really defensive and finally told me that he lived a block away from his sister and that he told me that other city "so I wouldn't get mad for my parents moving us three hours away from our jobs". (Which I agree was stupid, but I got over it within five minutes of him telling me. It's not my place to get upset about something like that that doesn't even negatively affect our relationship.)

- I suggested that I send some panties (sorry if TMI) to him in the mail. He acted excited at first and then when I asked for the address, he kept on saying he didn't know it because he just moved and he had to ask. I kept asking and he kept on avoiding the issue. Finally, he told me that he wasn't comfortable with the idea all along and that he only acted excited because he "didn't want to hurt my feelings". (This wouldn't have hurt my feelings -- I can understand why this might be uncomfortable since other people in his house might open his package.)

There are a lot of other little examples, like me saying, "Hey, we should do this." and him acting like it was the greatest thing ever, and then finding out after we did it that it was torture for him and he didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to hurt my feelings or make me mad. It is kind of an eye-opener to me, because I didn't realize that I had portrayed myself as someone who blows up in tears or rage every time he says no to me. I know I can get a little upset sometimes, but I almost always get over it quickly and often, I don't get upset at all as long as we compromise. I think it's sweet that he can't stand seeing me disappointed or sad, and that he is lying "for the right reasons" (if I can even say that), but it's ended up with me not being able to trust him.

I've discussed this with him, and he's agreed that lying just will make me sadder/angrier in the end. I think it is getting better with the small stuff because I always say, "Now be honest. If you don't want to do this, tell me. I won't get upset or disappointed." before I present an idea, but for all I know, he could still be lying "for my sake" because he's never said no yet! Eek.

And I'm also paranoid because he supposedly booked a plane ticket to come see me in less than a week, and I've been asking for a copy/screenshot of the confirmation email for about a month now with no results. He keeps on saying he will do it, but he never does. I am afraid that he just told me he booked it so I'd stop pressuring him to do it (he's a procrastinator, so I have to be on him with stuff like this, otherwise he misses deadlines and opportunities) and that he is not really coming. I asked him politely again this morning, so we'll see how that goes *nervous sigh*.

tldr: My SO lies to me so I won't get my feelings hurt or so I won't get mad, and I am having a hard time trusting him now. I've already talked to him about it, but I am afraid that he is still doing it. How do I prevent him from doing this in the future? Is there a way I can communicate with him from the start that will make him feel no pressure to lie? Any certain words to say? Or can anyone just relate?

Thanks!

[Kristin91]

I would sit down and have a long talk with him (preferably in person or over skype or something). You have to make it clear that you hate him lying to you and you'd rather be upset for a little bit then find out he lied to you. He obviously doesn't understand it's better to be upset for a little bit than to question your entire relationship because it's based on lies! Explain that you won't tolerate lying.

My SO and I have a 100% honesty policy (with exceptions only for surprises and gifts). This means any time one of us asks the other something (with the exception of surprises and gfits) we have to tell them the truth. This made our relationship really strong because some stuff is hard to say, but we trust the other person so much that it makes it okay to tell them. You could suggest something like this?

[ThePiedPiper]

I agree with the above poster, but I also feel like this is an issue you should be working on. Even if when you get upset it's for a short period of time, no one likes upsetting their partner to begin with, especially if it's happening frequently. When it comes to the point your partner is upset, more often than not, when you express not wanting to do something they do or when you express moving again or living close to family (I may be wrong in assuming that given your other thread, this is a point of tension in your relationship), you eventually get tired of it and stop wanting to be honest. It stops mattering they they're upset "unless you compromise," because sometimes compromises can't be made and sometimes there's nothing wrong with sacrificing your need or want for your partner; not going bowling and to the arcade, for example, because your partner isn't into it doesn't mean anything except maybe you have to find a bowling/arcade buddy that's not your partner, which is healthy to have. In the end, what I'm saying is that frequency can become a lot more important than magnitude. Think of it in terms of an earthquake. An earthquake of greater magnitude might do more damage, but you're still going to experience a fear response in a place that experiences minor earthquakes frequently. If you don't feel fear, you will at least feel anxiety/tension.

While it could be that your partner is simply the sort to lie to make people happy, if this is something unique to your relationship, even if he's "lying for the right reasons," he's doing it because somewhere along the line, he felt driven to that point. As opposed to figuring out what you can do to get him to open up and be honest with you, my recommendation would be to ask him what you can do to create a safe space for that honesty. Behaviour in relationships often tends to be symbiotic. While your partner needs to take responsibility for lying to, you need to take responsibility for your hand in the habit, assuming that this is something that has developed and assuming that you getting upset happens more often than it doesn't. My feeling on this one, however, is that if you worked to create a safer space for honesty, a place where you were fine with his saying "no" or not liking something, a place where you could be fine with his moving or spending time with his family, then you would see a massive change in what he was willing to tell you.

[Inspirement]

My SO and I have a 100% honesty policy (with exceptions only for surprises and gifts). This means any time one of us asks the other something (with the exception of surprises and gfits) we have to tell them the truth.

Me and my SO do this too, and it's been working really well for us too. She can at any time say no whenever I suggest doing something (and she has) and there will be no hard feelings. Same works the other way around.

[Mellow]

Honesty is a very important ingredient in having a good relationship, especially a long distance one.
I agree with the people who answered before I did.
Maybe it's good to sit down and just chat with him, tell him about the issue. If you are honest and have a heart to heart, the chances are more likely that he's honest too, right? I understand that it might be a little bit hard, because you never know how your SO will react, but thats a problem in any relation, LDR or not.

Goodluck! <3 I hope this issue will get better in the new year

[meowth812]

Thanks to everyone so far! These are all great points and ideas. I think I get upset about things more often than I am aware, so it's probably going to be a combination of being aware of and altering my reactions to things (which may be a long process, but it's worth working on in any case) and having a discussion about honesty and coming up with a policy for it.

The interesting thing is that I talk about how my emotions must be taxing on him, and he tells me that I exaggerate and that me being upset is a very tiny amount of our relationship. I can never tell if that's how he actually perceives things or if he's lying about that so I won't get upset again... ha. What a mess. But I would love it if he felt like he could be honest even about that, because I am currently living with some guilt that he feels like he can't open up or suggest things that he wants to do. It's something I look forward to working out.

[Malaga]

While it could be that your partner is simply the sort to lie to make people happy, if this is something unique to your relationship, even if he's "lying for the right reasons," he's doing it because somewhere along the line, he felt driven to that point.

While this is true in a lot of cases, I don't think it necessarily has to be down to the current relationship. People are conditioned by their previous relationships too and they repeat the patterns they learned through life. It would be worth noting what kind of relationship her SO has with his parents - are they demanding, fussing or judgmental? Or maybe his ex girlfriend was like that?

I think while it's always good to look for ways to improve the relationship, perhaps the answer isn't focusing on them because maybe the issue isn't about them. Perhaps it would be more constructive to pay more attention to how he's handling issues outside the relationship, conflicts, his relationship history etc. Maybe that's where the actual problem is and he just preemptively mirrors the behaviour any time he thinks a conflict might arise in the relationship with the OP.

[ThePiedPiper]

While this is true in a lot of cases, I don't think it necessarily has to be down to the current relationship. People are conditioned by their previous relationships too and they repeat the patterns they learned through life. It would be worth noting what kind of relationship her SO has with his parents - are they demanding, fussing or judgmental? Or maybe his ex girlfriend was like that?

I think while it's always good to look for ways to improve the relationship, perhaps the answer isn't focusing on them because maybe the issue isn't about them. Perhaps it would be more constructive to pay more attention to how he's handling issues outside the relationship, conflicts, his relationship history etc. Maybe that's where the actual problem is and he just preemptively mirrors the behaviour any time he thinks a conflict might arise in the relationship with the OP.

In the bit that you quoted,

While it could be that your partner is simply the sort to lie to make people happy, if this is something unique to your relationship, even if he's "lying for the right reasons," he's doing it because somewhere along the line, he felt driven to that point.

that was the key phrase. I meant exactly what you're saying. It's different if it comes from/happens in his family as well or if it happened in a previous relationship than if it was something that developed in this relationship. When the OP said "I know I can get a little upset sometimes, but I almost always get over it quickly and often, I don't get upset at all as long as we compromise," it made me wonder about the frequency of her getting upset and, additionally, what types of compromises are required to keep her happy.

However, I tried to make it clear my advice applied only in the event this was something unique that developed in their relationship, not something that he did generally, so I apologise if this did not come across as I wanted it to.