Starting Off Rough--Trauma To Blame?

[balloonwolf]

A year ago, I had just pulled out of an abusive, traumatizing relationship. After months of health and trust scares, I was done with my boyfriend; I left him, and I had to take a step forward towards recovery. For a year, I went through therapy, anxiety medicine, and other forms of recovery. I ended up losing friends because they all wanted to be with him rather than I; they wouldn't accept he abused and raped me.
Months later, I wanted to have a try dating again. This went rough, and I had multiple moments of rejection, but every person I've asked has stayed with me as a close friend, and I'm thankful for that. I talked with my best-friends and they all agreed I should give dating websites a try. I had tried long-distance dating before, and it went rather well. Me and my partner were young, but we stayed together for three years. We had to break up when our futures didn't match up
I was nervous of course, and my friends said take it slow. I found someone I liked and tried messaging her. She didn't reply--just what I suspected. But I moved on. I focused on the new job I had earned during the summer, and continued to work towards publication in writing. I didn't hear anything until a week before christmas; one of my friends from Florida messaged me, and said one of their friends, a girl I had emailed earlier, was interested in me--heavily.
After chatting with her for two days, we agreed we had a connection. She was head-over-heels for me, and I was growing more and more interested I live in California, and she lives in Florida, but she works for Disney, a company we both have grown up to love and appreciate. She works in the parks, something I've always wanted to do in my life as a kid. Within days, we decided to stay together and work on this couple thing.
I started to worry, though. I began to question my feelings towards her when she would tell me so many reasons why she loved me, and why she wanted to spend her time getting to know me, and maybe even be with me; however, while I could explain how I found her beautiful, why I liked her, and how I could see ourselves growing into a strong couple, I was afraid on my feelings over her.
Meeting in person isn't an issue, so far. I have a job, and, her working for disney, we can meet at the parks and spend our time their, enjoying our company. I brought it up to her I was worried on my feelings, and we ended up getting hurt, crying, and just feeling bad. She really likes me, and doesn't want to lose me, and I really see something in her, and don't ever want to hurt her. Looking back, my trauma involved trust, doubts, rape, and health concerns. Am I scared that something will go wrong, especially with the distance; am I afraid I'll hurt her?
We wish to stay with together and keep working towards a strong, promising relationship. She accepts me for everything I've told her so far, and understands sex is something that's hurt me before. But I need to solve this worry: should I blame my trauma and anxiety, and just push forward, building a possible soul-mate?

[ThePiedPiper]

If she's telling you after two days how head over heels she is for you, and how in love with you see she is, I can understand why you'd feel a conflicting array of emotions, and I would go so far as to say that while what you're feeling might be driven by your past, they're normal feelings for anyone who experiences a connection with someone. I'd be hard-pressed to believe anyone, at least at this age and at least at some point, has not experienced worries that the relationship will end in hurt, that maybe a past will get in the way of a future, etc. and that's on top of the general concerns about a long-distance relationship, even when you're both stable and working and able to see one another.

My suggestion on this one would be to approach this in your own time. She sounds like she understands what you've been through, what you've been open with her about, so let that be enough. Don't worry about where to assign blame for your feelings. Understanding them is important. Understanding that they've probably come from your past is important. But what's more important is accepting the fact that they exist, accepting that they are still a part of your journey and what you're doing your best to work through. What's important is being honest with her and communicating those feelings as they arise but also listening to what they're telling you. Are you questioning your feelings and hesitating because you're scared this relationship could be successful, or are you questioning and hesitating because you feel you've both jumped in too quickly? To say you're head over heels after two days is moving a little bit fast, regardless of what previous interest existed, and it can sometimes stir up anxiety in those who tend to move a lot more slowly. I think pinpointing whether the fear is stemming from your past or the pace of the relationship is important, as is determining what exactly you feel for her; you don't want to hurt her, and you do see something potentially developing, but maybe you're taking your time with this relationship and she isn't. That doesn't mean it can't work or that it won't, but some understanding needs to be lent to the fact that you're moving more slowly, from both her end and yours. However, pinpointing where the emotions are coming from, and if they're a product of the past versus a product of the present, and why you're experiencing them (and unfortunately that's only something you can do), is going to be important to the future of this relationship.