Shyness & LDR

[monkinlove]

I did a search on the forum for this issue and I'm surprised nothing came up.

So with me and my "possible" SO (we are still at the getting to know you phase etc), she is on the extreme shy side. She has admitted as much. I'm actually shy as well. We are both introverts, but she is more of one. So as we get to know each other, I'm anticipating what her shyness will mean for a possible LDR.

Has anyone on here dealt with or are dealing with the issue of one or both partners being shy and how that has impacted the LDR? How did you deal with it? How are you dealing with it? What challenges came from it? How did you overcome them?

One encouraging thing she said to me was that she wants to break out of the shell and overcome her shyness. I broke out of my shell sometime back. Although I am still an introvert, I balance it out or at least try to.

So any thoughts on this issue is helpful. Thanks.

-Monk

[squeeker]

Hello! My SO and I are both introverts too. I am the shyest one usually. It doesn't affect our relationship currently since we are both so comfortable with each other, the barriers broke down awhile ago and we are able to be ourselves with each other. However, that wasn't always the case.. when we first met online, it took us some getting used to each other. My SO opened up to me right away (he had a lot happen to him in the past so he felt it important that I know about it right away so I can make the decision if I want to stay talking to him or if it was too much for me I guess.. I stayed and listened and came to understand more and more..) but I was a bit more wary. I talked to people online before, but never too seriously. The first few times we talked on webcam, I hardly spoke a word. I even hid away from the camera at one point. And then when we took a bit of a break from the webcam, we went on Skype and I had to do just voice call because video chat made me nervous. But then eventually I warmed up again. And then a bit after that we started our relationship.

So my opinion is that a relationship, whether it be LDR or not, can definitely work with one or two shy people. It just takes longer to warm up to each other and get comfortable with each other. But then once you are, it's amazing because it's so freeing to be able to have that person who you can be yourself around and not feel like they are going to judge you and that they love you. It's about patience, understanding, love, time, and the right couple!

[SmileyK]

Me! I am incredibly shy and very introverted, but having been talking to my SO daily for the last 2 and a half months, he is definitely helping me overcome it. Or at least, with him, probably not still around other people. While we Skype and we webcam a lot, we still do a lot more text chat than voice chat - generally we'll have family around or interruptions or bad microphones and headphones (really helps to get good ones. He's just bought a new headset which makes him sound much clearer and I'm not constantly having to ask him to repeat things which in itself is embarrassing after you've asked 2 or 3 times). So I guess now I'm comfortable about being on camera, I don't really notice it anymore, and we can work our way up to increasing those voice chats. I don't know about your SO, but I am terrible at keeping up conversations in real life, which makes up for my internet life in which I can ramble on about things for ages, and sometimes be a bit impulsive. And I think in that way, I'm glad I didn't meet my SO close distance. Would never have been able to bond so fast and I really doubt things would've turned out the way they have.

I think trust is the big thing, and if you can break through that shell, you will know, because you'll start to see the little cracks. I have told my SO more than I've told people I've known my whole life, because we communicate so well - again, more in words than voice, and I'm finding it so easy to tell him things. Sometimes, I will get nervous, and there are things I really want him to know, but I can't just blurt them out, and he'll start to see the signs on webcam and all my smiley faces, and I will generally require a bit of a push, but he'll draw it out of me. Important thing is not to push it too much, but maybe try again later when they've had time to think about it. Be patient and understanding You've said you've come out of your shell, so you obviously know where she is coming from.

I think the biggest thing for me will be when it comes time to meet him. Not only do I fear that our communication will hit an all-time low, I fear that close intimacy and especially sexuality. But, I am preparing for those things now, taking it very slow, so when the time does come, things will be easier. I already trust him, so it's a matter of becoming comfortable with voice chat and calls. We've made a few vlogs for each other too which helps - getting used to talking in front of a camera and being allowed to say stupid things and with the ability if so desired to edit or just not end up showing it, but I find you do, because you put in so much effort to do it in the first place (Especially if done in a public place like walking down the street and having people give you weird looks, definitely deserves a pat on the back, because you're in love and you don't care ) The biggest factor has been sexuality and becoming familiar with my own body and the idea that someone wants me and that I want them too. He has really helped with that. He's on the forum too, so he might give you a bit more perspective And while he says he loves my shyness, I'm really glad he's prying open that shell in ways I've never known. Best of luck!

[sewbama]

Generally, I'd rather be by myself than with other people. I tend to stay quiet in groups. So, I guess I'm an introvert. My SO dislikes social interactions. He has stand-by phrases that he uses in everyday situations so that he doesn't have to think about how to have a conversation or how to respond to people. He's quite shy. Thing is, we like each other. I'd rather be with him than by myself. Even doing the exact same things. And it's the same for him. And we share more with each other than any one else. There's something about love and trust that just makes all that shyness just disappear. We want to be with each other and tell each other things. It just works. That's what love does. Sometimes it takes longer to open up, but if you're patient and willing, it will work.

[Alsfia]

I'm not shy as such, I'm more associal, but my SO is rather shy, but it's never been a problem in our relationship. He's not shy with me anymore, it took a lot of talking and listening but he opened up eventually (and stopped hiding while Skyping). You just have to give eachother time and space and eventually the shyness will if not disappear, then atleast fade

[Kristin91]

I am naturally very shy. What helped me overcome being shy with my SO when we were starting to get to know each other was our 100% honesty policy. This basically said that any question either of us asked the other one, we had to answer honestly (exceptions were for gifts and surprises). It made me come out of my shell because my SO made me answer questions that made me squirm. I'm still very shy when it comes to dealing with other people, especially new situations where I don't know anyone, but I'm not shy at all when I'm with my SO

[melarie]

My boyfriend and I are both pretty shy too. I think we deal with it pretty well I guess. At first it was kind of hard for me to open up to him about anything because that's where most of my shyness comes in - personal stuff - but I've gotten much better about it. Although, if I'm upset I still have trouble telling him out loud what's wrong while we're on Skype instead of just typing it in the chat box. That one he really helped me get over by having such a calm reaction to everything I told him. It really helped diminish that fear that I could say something that might be a deal breaker, or show him how truly crazy I am lol. He takes everything I tell him so well, it's really comforting and makes me feel a lot safer telling him things.

And then of course, I had a lot of physical shyness with just not being confident about stuff. I always did my hair and makeup before skyping with him, I was really shy about letting him see my smile, or certain parts of my body I don't like (some of which I still try to avoid) but he's made me feel better about that stuff too. When we start a video chat and the first thing he says is "Wow, you look beautiful." when I have makeup smeared under my eyes and haven't had my shower yet, that's a huge confidence boost haha. Stuff like that helped me break out of that shell quite well.

I think it still hurts us sometimes because we're both really quiet people and don't have a lot of friends, so a lot of the time, the only person either of us really talks to is each other. Because we don't do a whole lot of conversing, and never really have, at least not for a while, it's hard to think of something to say a lot of the time and our Skype calls end up and doing our own thing whether that be playing video games, watching tv or just surfing the net... so we can be quiet and have it not be quite as awkward. I think in that way though it's more like he's actually here. I've gotten a little more used to it because I try to think of it in that way. That is, when we actually live together some time down the road, we're going to have a lot of nights where we're just quietly sitting together, but doing our own thing. That's just the kind of people we both are, and that's ok. Thinking of it like that also helps take away the pressure to have a conversation, and it actually makes it easier.

I think overcoming shyness within a couple is really about taking off the pressure, and putting any fears they have to rest. For me it was that I would scare him away, either with my body or things I said. Once he showed me that wasn't going to happen and I realized he did love me, I was ok for the most part. And also managing to turn awkward silences into comfortable ones so no one feels like they HAVE to say something.

Truth or Dare (With mostly truths) is another really good way to break down a couple walls, or those sites that have 100 questions for couples. They open up a lot of subjects that would probably be ignored otherwise and can get kinda personal. It's a good way to open up.

[Eleven]

Just be yourself

[monkinlove]

I just want to say you all were awesome in your replies. It has really helped me better see and understand the situation as it is developing. Very, very helpful.