I did a bad thing.

[MaggieS]

So, basically, I'm done with this relationship. Not because of the long distance, but because of him. He's passive aggressive, manipulative, clingy, and cruel. In the beginning he was sweet, a great listener, and we were into all the same things. But he's changed, or I've changed, and I don't want to be in this anymore. The usual thing to do in this, I assume, would be to set up a skype date where both of us have a fair amount of free time, and calmly explain where I'm coming from and where I want to be.

Only. And, please, no judgment or I told you so's, because I've definitely learned the lesson and I don't need it repeated...when he was that sweet guy that I fell for, I may have made him a video. It was an alternative we came up with because I'm uncomfortable being watched on camera, and he was using all these nice words about how I was better than porn blah blah blah. There's an ocean between us, and he has a video of me doing unmentionable things.

What do I do?

[Moon]

Unfortunately, unless you were underage when you made it, there isn't anything you can do, it's up to him. Even if he agrees to delete it, there's no guarantee he'll actually do it. All you can do is to make it as nice of a breakup as possible and hope he's a decent guy. Making videos isn't bad, but it's something you shouldn't do too early in the relationship, until you're sure you're with someone you don't have to worry about. Good luck.

[Malaga]

Sorry to hear it ended like this. The situation is not ideal, but don't worry, plenty of us have done the same so we potentially face the same risks. I can say right now that I'm confident my boyfriend wouldn't abuse this in case we broke up, but then again I guess you can never be 100% sure.
It seems like you don't trust him at all.

I guess the only thing you can do now is keep it as amicable as possible. Give him the time and be sympathetic etc. Say that you would appreciate it if he deleted your video as it will be easier for both of you to move on after he does that. Say that you want to part ways as friends and just as you trusted him enough to send him the video, you trust him now that he'll delete it. I would avoid going into any specifics about what's he to blame for. Just say that your feelings have changed and you need to move on, and he deserves someone who will love him the way he should be loved. Let him know that you consider him a good person (even if it might be a stretch) who's honest and trustworthy enough to do this for you. If he feels like he still has your respect, he might comply.

I would avoid any threats or sulking or ill tempered conversations because if you believe he's capable of publishing your video, then it just might set him off. You can have it taken off etc but once it's out there the damage is done.

Good luck! xx

[Kiyama]

Unfortunately, unless you were underage when you made it, there isn't anything you can do, it's up to him. Even if he agrees to delete it, there's no guarantee he'll actually do it. All you can do is to make it as nice of a breakup as possible and hope he's a decent guy. Making videos isn't bad, but it's something you shouldn't do too early in the relationship, until you're sure you're with someone you don't have to worry about. Good luck.

I agree with Moon. Also, I wouldn't make it too much of a deal with the video as that will only give him ideas to use it against you, especially if you say he's been cruel and manipulative to you. So try and show little interest in it. I think that's all you can do really. I hope he still has some decency in himself.
I feel for you *hugs*

[Sora1101]

Honestly I don't know if there's anything you can do. If he's manipulative then he's probably going to try to use it against you. The best hope is to try and end it as nicely as possible ask him to delete it and hope his conscious kicks in and tells him to get rid of it.

[Dezface]

What they all said. This is the chance we take when we send pics and videos of ourselves.

[ThePiedPiper]

I agree with Malaga.

Here's the thing: there's always the chance that when you send a picture or video, it can be shared. However, I don't believe it has to be life altering. While I can understand the fear that schools would see it, employers, etc. the likelihood that they would see it before you is slim, and not only do dates of when it would have been shared matter but also circumstances, and a lot more people and places respect the learning curve than they do disrespect that it happened to begin with. In the end, you made a decision that you can't change, but it's a decision a lot of us have made and not suffered for; some others have and they reaped the consequences of a vengeful partner. But you get through it, not because you want to but because you can and because you have to to keep pushing forward. You cannot let this video be what keeps you in a toxic and hateful relationship, because staying in the relationship out of fear that he will share it is not only going to wear you down past your limits, but if he's the sort to share it, he'd share it whether or not you two were together. If he's the sort to say, "if you leave me, I do have that video of you..." and hold that over your head, that's manipulative, but again, not a guarantee he'll share it. In the end, there are two types of people in this world, people who would share something like that and people who wouldn't, no matter how pissed, and you run as much risk of him sharing it when together, if he's in the former category, than you do if you broke up. I would not, however, as Malaga said, bring up the video to him and beg him not to share it when you break-up with him. That will only make it worse for you, because he'll use it even if he doesn't plan on sharing it. The best you can do is set up a Skype date and tell him your reasons for ending it. Give him time to ask questions, but if he starts getting angry, end the call. Give him a time to ask why but don't let him demand you back or say hateful things. The best you can do is calmly explain what you're doing and why and ask him what he needs to move on, and that is it. You are not obligated to let him scream at you. You are not obligated to let him try and win you back, especially when things aren't going to change anyway. Simply break it off and hang up the call, and don't worry about or mention the video at all.

[sewbama]

I wouldn't worry about the video. Anyone who sees it would have to admit they were looking for it before they could attack you for being in it. I say break up with him in a reasonable way and just don't even mention it. Pied Piper is right. If he's really manipulative and stuff, you'll just be giving him ideas about how to hurt you. Just hope that he is a decent person, or that whatever he does never affects you (as it likely won't).

[Hololz]

I wouldn't worry about the video. Anyone who sees it would have to admit they were looking for it before they could attack you for being in it. I say break up with him in a reasonable way and just don't even mention it. Pied Piper is right. If he's really manipulative and stuff, you'll just be giving him ideas about how to hurt you. Just hope that he is a decent person, or that whatever he does never affects you (as it likely won't).

I agree. I've always been of the opinion (when sending such things) that if someone I knew were to see such pictures they would respect that it was a decision I made due to the fact I was in a long term relationship and trusted my partner enough at the time (even if there was reason to no longer trust them). I'd probably just learn to laugh at it. In terms of employers, I wouldn't want to work for anyone that fired me based on a picture/video/status update and not on my ability to do the job (Unless of course it violates their policy).

Buts that's just me... (hoping to offer an alternative view on things more than anything!)

Good luck!!!

[mellissawest]

I FEEL YAH

I have done the same thing.. I made a video as well as sent some pictures but the only thing you can do is seperate as friends or do it as friendly as possible. Hope and pray that he still has some consciencness and will delete it if not right away than eventually when he gets tired of looking at it.

WISH YOU LUCK... AND A PEACE OF MIND