4 years and hitting a rough patch

[kgibree]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. I love him to death and recently, the long distance thing has really gotten to me. I went through a phase where I got extemely paranoid and anxious when he would go out with friends. And even though I tried my hardest not to blow up his phone, it would happen anyways. Once I head back to school in a week or so, I am going to see a therapist for my anxiety just so I have someone to talk to.
Another thing is that I feel tension in the relationship. We talk on the phone for no longer than 10 minutes a day, but we do facetime for longer than that. We get in stupid little arguments that wouldn't even happen if we were together. Last summer, he was planning on moving from California to Louisiana, (where I go to school) but got offered a job and I didn't want him to pass it up so we moved the "move-in" date to about this time. He promised he would move in and he isn't because he's scared we will fight and argue all the time. But, I think the only reason we fight is because we are apart and it's stressful. Sorry this post is kindof all over the place. We both feel that lately we are on two different pages in the relationship and we feel a bit of resentment towards eachother. We have agreed to start fresh and we hope to put everything in the past so we can move forward but how do you honestly put things in the past for good?!

How do you know when you're ready to move in together? Does anyone have good or bad experiences of moving in with a long distance partner?

[ThePiedPiper]

I realise that this isn't what you want to hear, but your boyfriend has a point. If you can't communicate effectively "due to the distance," you won't communicate effectively moving in together. Moving in together eliminates the stress of being LD while presenting a whole other set of stressors, challenges and hurdles. And while people like to believe it's a matter of "we'll be together, though, so we'll be able to handle anything" and "love conquers all," in the end, that's not going to help when one or both of you is stressed out about the move, the decision to close the distance and maybe even your relationship and triggering old issues with communication. Fighting has nothing to do with the distance and everything to do with the way both people in the relationship choose to communicate and conduct themselves, and poor communication skills are going to translate directly to any close-distance relationship that might occur between you. So in that sense, I think your boyfriend is right. Moving in together isn't going to fix things (if anything, it could end up making things worse, and I'd go so far as to say moving in with someone is actually more stressful than dealing with the distance) and if you're already going through a rough time, it could be what drives the final nail through the coffin.

I think where you need to start is a) with how you're on two different pages and why and b) with why you feel the resentment. You've been together four years, yes? So since you two were 16? There's a reason that high school romances don't often work out and that's because people grow, they change, and especially in their 20s, they start learning more and more of what they want out of life and in a partner. I am not saying that it can't work, but I am saying that sometimes two people change and it's important to determine whether or not you've both changed beyond the point you're no longer meeting the others' needs or what you both want from a partner. Also, resentment can very, very easily poison a relationship and often do irrepairable damage; for some people, once the resentment has set in, there is no repairing it no matter how much they might want that for themselves, and so being honest is going to be important here. If he doesn't want to move in and you want him to, and both of your happiness depends on if the other person does it "your way," then you need to be honest that maybe you're in two separate stages and this relationship is no longer working. The other possible thing, too, is that you're in a place right now where you need to focus on you and on healing yourself. Anxiety can be a difficult demon to face and I commend you for seeing a therapist in an effort to work through your anxiety, but if your anxiety is something that is out of your control, that needs to be your primary focus right now, not your relationship, especially if it's leading you to do damage in your relationship, whether or not you mean it.

I think what you both need to do is first be honest with yourselves if you can be happy about how you're both feeling. You want him to move in with you and he doesn't. In that case, it's either respect his wishes or end the relationship because forcing or persuading him to move in to you will only do more harm than good. He has very realistic concerns about your lack of communication right now, and this is also something I would consider working on. As for how you "truly put things in the past," there really is no how-to. You simply do. Sometimes the past is going to reat its ugly head and that's when you take a deep breath and a break from the conversation or you simply push through the temptation to bring it up. I wouldn't consider it a fresh start so much as I would an acceptance of the fact that things change and that you're at a time in your lives where concrete plans really can't be made. If you're both invested in saving this relationship, where I would start is by making a list of where things need to change, both in yourself and in your partner, and then coming up with an action plan for how to approach it and for how to cope with the things that might take time to get over. You're both so young to be worrying about a future and who's moving in with who, and I would honestly wait until you're both at a more stable place in your lives and in your relationship before broaching the issue.

[kgibree]

Thank you so much! I have promised I would stop bringing up the "moving in" issue with him because it really isn't a necessity, even though it seems ideal. You're completely right when it comes to communication. We have had our differences recently, but with the new year we are just taking it day by day and going with the flow. Hoping to remain argument free and the relationship will naturally strengthen. Since I'm on winter break, I find myself so bored that I think about ridiculous things and that triggers my anxiety. It's not even that I don't trust him, but things such as him getting into a car accident or injured in any other way scares me to death because i wouldn't be able to be there for him. I know it sounds silly, but these are my issues.
Thank you so much for the advice, like stated before, we want to save this relationship and we have discussed what needs to be done in order for it to be where we want it to be. Rushing things is not an option, and when the time is right, we hope to close the distance. We are very young and I realize this, but I think since it has been 4 years, I feel like we are older than we actually are, if that makes any sense?

[ThePiedPiper]

Thank you so much! I have promised I would stop bringing up the "moving in" issue with him because it really isn't a necessity, even though it seems ideal. You're completely right when it comes to communication. We have had our differences recently, but with the new year we are just taking it day by day and going with the flow. Hoping to remain argument free and the relationship will naturally strengthen. Since I'm on winter break, I find myself so bored that I think about ridiculous things and that triggers my anxiety. It's not even that I don't trust him, but things such as him getting into a car accident or injured in any other way scares me to death because i wouldn't be able to be there for him. I know it sounds silly, but these are my issues.
Thank you so much for the advice, like stated before, we want to save this relationship and we have discussed what needs to be done in order for it to be where we want it to be. Rushing things is not an option, and when the time is right, we hope to close the distance. We are very young and I realize this, but I think since it has been 4 years, I feel like we are older than we actually are, if that makes any sense?

Yes, but everyone at this age tends to feel that way, and it's not uncommon for high school relationships to last until college. The best thing you can do is be honest in accepting the fact that even if you feel older, you're still very young and handle things, at least emotionally, in an age-appropriate way. Emotions are the one place that people cannot speed up the development of, regardless of where faster development may or may not have occured in other areas, and sometimes it can help to stop holding yourself to certain standard of maturity or uniqueness (in comparison to peers) and simply accept that hey, you're 20, you're in your 20s, and you're going to sometimes deal with problems like you're 20. Nothing wrong with that and it can sometimes help keep things, like moving in, in perspective as well.

And hopefully that anxiety will be something you learn to manage/control when you're seeing your therapist. CBT can be especially helpful for learning to deal with and handle anxiety, and university often has wonderful resources for struggling students, so do utilise your campus' counselling centers. Again, I commend you for taking that step. I think that, plus learning on how to communicate more effectively, will help reinforce the foundation of your relationship!