New and Confused...

[SoConfused]

Hi Everyone,

I am new here but have been following threads for a few months. I figure that I should throw my concerns out here and let the experts help, because I feel quite alone. =(

I hope this doesn't get too long, but the story is this:

I dated a guy back in high school. It was short lived and not very serious (we split up because my parents were very strict and we couldn't see each other). Flash forward 20 years. I contacted him out of the blue and we immediately hit it off. I visited him in October and we had an awesome time. The problem is that I don't see an end in sight. I have a wonderful job, one that will provide me a very stable retirement and it currently pays well. I work for a government agency, so I am fairly certain that I don't have to worry about losing my job anytime soon. I can support myself with this job. He has a 9 year old son who lives with him full time. His ex-wife has told him that she will attempt to take their son if he moves out west (he lives in TN, I live in CA). He has basically told me that he is not at all flexible when it comes to who has to move. It has to be me. He does not have a job that could provide for us during the transition phase (me moving out there and settling in), nor for our retirement. Let's face it, current economic times do not provide me with the security in believing that I will be gainfully employed right away, nor that I will be able to acquire a job that provides the same future financial security. I am 38 years old and my future stability is very important to me. I would have to start all over (my current skills are very specialized, there are no jobs there for what I do), probably at the bottom of the ladder. The thought of having to fully rely on another person to help with supporting me is frightening. On top of all of this, I have a 17 year old son who will not move with me. The thought of leaving him kills me.

I feel so stuck. I really care about this guy and he's so unique and special. However, I am so emotionally tormented. As it stands, we've agreed to see each other when possible (he's coming out for Valentine's day weekend), and let it take its course. The problem is that I don't like uncertainty. I like to have goals and strive for them. He is constantly discussing me moving out there, and he has taken proactive steps to acquire a better paying job that provides the benefits that I would be leaving behind. I sincerely appreciate that because I know he truly cares about me and wants to be with me. It's just so hard.

In addition to all of the above torture, I lack security with us (probably due to the distance), and he has ALL female friends. It drives me insane! He's had relationships with some and has even told me that a couple of them would be interested in relationships if he were to move back home. This disturbs me to no end. Facebook doesn't help (it's the devil! haha). I see him liking their pictures and I know he chats with them. When I visited in October, there was NO mention of it on his Facebook page, AT ALL. Not even an "I had a great visit with a friend!" That was a little hurtful. It makes me feel like I have something to worry about. It certainly doesn't add to my level of security in the relationship.

I know that I need to come up with the answers to my dilemma myself, but input is helpful. I'm sure some of you have experienced what I'm going through, and the intense feelings of loneliness and despair, mixed with the excitement of finding someone that I'd really like to explore a future with. Gah, I think I'm developing an ulcer, lol. Is this normal? We've only been talking since June 2012. Maybe it's just early LDR blues?

Any help is very much appreciated. Thank you! =)

[Moon]

This will sound crazy to most people, but, well, whatever My question to you is, if everything else is so perfect, is it really essential that one of you move?

I'm asking because I'm 42, have a 24 year old daughter I really don't want to move 4200 miles away from, an OK job, bills, three dogs and now a cat, etc, etc, etc....
My guy is 41 and lives in Helsinki. He's not particularly fond of the US, has a really good job, a mortgage, is the only child of an elderly mother, bills, etc, etc,etc.....
Also, while I'm trying to learn, there's no way I'll ever speak Finnish well enough to ever get a job in Finland and there aren't any available anyway, even if I did. He could get a job here easily enough, but even if he wanted to live in the US, or could, the process is long and daunting.

Why am I telling you this? Because he and I are perfect for each other, he's the love of my life and we're completely committed, happy, fulfilled and content otherwise. We've also realized that, FOR US, closing the distance isn't a priority. Yeah, I know that sounds really bizarre, but since there's no clear way to do it anytime soon, or any logical way it can be done at the moment, we've decided LD is fine, because we'd much rather have each other LD than not at all. Our eyes are open to any realistic opportunity that may happen, but we're willing to wait however long it takes, because even though we're physically apart, we've got each other, and that's what's important. We're older, we've been around the block a few times, and we understand just how beautiful and rare a relationship like ours is, even if the distance isn't exactly ideal. The only thing is, if you hoped for more children, this can never work, obviously.

I know you said you need a plan and everything, but your relationship is only three months old! You're still in the newborn stages, so now is not the time to plan on uprooting your whole life yet. I think, if you're patient and give it a year or so, your answers will become more clear. I always cringe a little when I see people in new relationships so upset about closing the distance conflicts, there's no rush Enjoy everything a new relationship brings, you aren't the same people you were in school. You should also consider that if you do turn into a long-term thing, he really might not be able to leave for 9 more years, until his daughter is of age, can you handle that? LDR's, like any other relationships, fall into a pattern once you've settled into them, some (but NOT all) learn to manage the distance just fine and are pretty OK with it. If moving isn't something that either of you can realistically do, you need to figure out if you both can handle a long-term LDR, and if you're worth it to each other. There's no shame if you can't, but if you can, it could be the most rewarding relationship you've ever had. There are some advantages to being a little older and in an LDR. Good luck, I'm glad you've found our forum!

[Black_Halloween]

So you both have children you don't want to leave behind, he has no job and you don't want to leave yours (I don't blame you it sounds like a great job) and he's pressuring you into moving? Doesn't sound like a very good/promising situation to be honest.

As for the whole facebook thing/female friends thing, part of me wants to say "get over it" because people are allowed to have any friends they want to but him basically telling you that he has people interested in him that are closer is rude. Does he update his facebook page religiously? If not, don't worry about it. Believe it or not some people don't put their entire lives on facebook lol.

[Verojoon]

I feel for you. It is a very difficult situation.

In my case, I'm lucky that my SO doesn't have children, because though the decisions that he would move to me was a very difficult one (Logistically, due to immigration issues, but also because he takes care of his elderly mother), it was the only one that would work for us.

My SO and I had talked about long-term long-distance like Moon mentioned. I think my SO could handle it... but I couldn't. I freaked out about their being no end in sight (after 2 years of our relationship) and it was at that point that we made some tentative plans for 3 years from now... I can handle long distance, but like you, I'm someone who is driven by goals. Our relationship has been so much easier since we have a rough time-frame in place... But in your case, it's only been 3 months.

So like you said, it is really ultimately up to you to make the decisions, but I think if you don't feel ready to invest in a relationship which may not have an end in sight, and no future, that is normal... I think that in normal close distance relationship, 3 months is way too early to start freaking out about the future, but in a case like this, it makes sense... The future is open, and there may be possibilities or opportunities you never imagined. You might find an amazing job near your SO after a few years... Your son may leave the state for college or a job... etc. So if you are willing to take a deep breath, realize this relationship is new, and see where it will lead you, then try not to over-think it too much right away! Enjoy what you have and see where life takes you!

Good Luck!!

Edited to add:

About the Facebook stuff: Does he just comment on friends' statuses and stuff or does he often post about his own life?? My SO is soo private about his life on FB, it's ridiculous... Sure he'll like pictures and comment on people's things... but he never posts anything about himself... Again, I think this is all part of a new relationship adjustment...

[SoConfused]

Thank you so much for your responses. I'm beginning to feel like I've just been an anxious mess, lol. But by you putting it into perspective (this is a very new relationship) allows me to relax a little.

Moon - I've considered exactly what you've suggested. He and I have not spent a lot of time talking about what the future holds, except for him saying that he can't move and him trying to persuade me to move. I've voiced my reservations to him, but I think he believes that I should be able to overcome them with some prodding. I've told him that I have no problem moving when I retire (at least 12 years from now, but ideally in 17), lol. He has not offered to move here after his son becomes of age. In fact, it seems as if coming here is not even an option, ever. I basically told him that I'm willing to hang in there and work towards a future until one of us finds the distance unbearable enough to move or throw the towel in. I really care about him and at this point just want to keep him in my life, even if I do only get to see him a few times a year. I think he believes the same. But, you're right, this is so new, who knows what a year will bring? =) This stuff is so confusing!

Black Halloween - He does have a job, but he doesn't make enough to be able to support himself, me and his son at this time. The only reason this is a concern is because I know how volatile the job market is and I am financially secure right now. It is scary giving that up. I struggled so much in my early years and the thought of not being self-suffient and struggling just to make ends meet, terrifies me. Not to mention that I know the havoc that it can wreak on a relationship. In regards to the Facebook issue. Yes, he updates regularly. Most of the time it's about his son or things he's doing during the day. The reason it bothers me is that a lot of the women on there are exes. Yes, it's nice to know that he can keep civil relationships with his exes, but knowing that some are still interested bothers the crud out of me. I've discussed it with him and he stated that he has no romantic feelings for them. However, I am of the belief that they would not hold out hope in a future relationship if he wasn't stoking the fire a bit (perhaps that's just my paranoia?). I don't know.

Verojoon - Thank you! Again, you have put it into perspective that perhaps I'm just looking way too far ahead. When I was younger, I lived by the seat of my pants but as I've gotten older I've developed a liking for plans. I like to know where I'm headed. He's much more carefree. I think the distance just adds more anxiety. I'm not getting any younger, lol, but I'm going to try to relax and let it all play out.

Thank you, again, for your responses. =) I'm so glad to have found a forum to help with these issues. This is my first attempt at an LDR, and I had no idea how difficult it can be! I can tell that a support network is imperative.

[SoConfused]

Perhaps I should have added... regarding the Facebook issue, it probably wouldn't be nearly as bad if he hadn't told me that two of the women would be really upset if we were to end up together (this was when we first started talking). I told him that they wouldn't be upset if they didn't feel they had a chance, and his response was that they know he doesn't feel that way about them. I'm a logical person and fairly empathetic. These are not young women, I just can't help but believe that they would be upset because he has led them to believe that if he were to move back home (his ultimate goal), they may have a chance. Ugh. There are days that I just want to delete him as a friend because as the saying goes, "Ignorance is bliss."