Master of Mixed Messages

[folclor]

So...yeah, lately Alex has been super busy with work and everything. When he wants to blow off steam he typically games with his friends which doesn't leave us with much time to talk.

The other night I talked to him about this because it was making me feel extremely lonely and I finally told him that. His response was he was trying to spend some time apart so we didn't become 'routine' and then 'boring.' He said he thinks about me when he's doing other things, but he just wants to do them so that we'll have something to talk about. This is resulting in 3-4 day gaps where we don't talk at all (sometimes not even including weekends) and me getting very lonely. Then, at the end of his long explanation he said,
"is selfish yes, but we do have lives appart from eachother still ^^;

*kisses* you are still the love of my life."

The next night we spent 2 hours on video chat and had a great time. Last night, however, he got on for about...30 minutes after he'd went and gamed with his friends from when he got off work to when he came on and then after 30 minutes he was tired and wanted to go to sleep. ^^; I was glad to get the time to talk, don't get me wrong, but this boy is great at sending mixed messages. ^^;;

Have y'all ever experienced the like?

[Riyko]

yes I have, my guy is good at that as well. When I went and visited him in June he said we shouldn't talk everyday so when we do talk we will have things to talk about, when I got home we talked every single day (the exception was when he was in Chile and he just got back today). I understand exactly what your going through.

[LadyMarchHare]

I can see what he's trying to do, but I think he's trying far too hard and it's doing more harm than good. If he wants to spend time with his friends he can, but he has to realize they're more available than you are and so he should make a balance, maybe set days he games with them either most or all of the time he has free and then set days aside solely for you. Personally his not wanting to be 'routine' thing may end up a routine and worse than if you guys run out of stuff to talk to.

Me, I don't speak to my SO for a week or so at a time due to his job but he can't help that and it's not by choice. So I understand the loneliness of the silence.

[folclor]

Usually he games Friday to Sunday because he has weekends off. Used to be that we'd talk Monday through Thursday but lately his boss has been sending him out on install jobs, which he enjoys, but they wear him out and when he gets home he wants to do something mindless.

[Caitlin2009]

honestly talking everyday you can force yourself to talk about stuff, i mean i save up on stuff to talk about to Denise if i have nothing to talk about then i'll play a game with her, theres always stuff to talk about i get where he's coming from but its vital to talk everday for some people and you can find stuff to talk about if you try, if he;s having trouble tell him to write stuff down so he can talk about it with you

[Silviar]

So, I've been on both sides of this coin in previous relationships. What I've come to realize out of this thinking is often there's a few modes of thinking that push this:

1) it's the fear that saying the same things and being mundane - you know, doing the same day to day slush that RL couples talk about/do will somehow become tedious because you're LDR. Let me also say that often this attitude of not caring to talk a whole lot extends into even when you live together longterm (but not always - you know him better than I).

2) It may just come down to an independence/lifestyle factor. That is, the person is used to being an independent adult who takes care of themselves, and realize they need to keep their sense of self even when part of a couple - and their independence sometimes is more than the other partner cares for. Or maybe they don't realize how much an LDR takes.

While his reasoning is stupid, the way I actually read this is more of #2 than #1. What I would do is sit down and consider how much time you need with him to feel secure, and then I'd have a talk with him about seeing if there's any way you can implement that or possibly a new, engaging activity to get that time you need together. Have a talk and make sure you explain to him that you never get tired of hearing just about his days, and the simple things are what you enjoy - even if he does 'the same old things' every day.

I'm a daily contact girl myself. If we couldn't spend a little bit of time pretty much every day together, then I'm pretty unhappy. Luckily, my boyfriend's the same.

Also, as another possible help - I'm not sure what your social situation is like, but I know that in LDR we often run the risk of bending our entire timeframe and life around our SO's. You might want to check and make sure you're getting enough healthy social activity outside of your romantic relationship. It would help alleviate your loneliness as well to give yourself a few social activities. I looked at your blog/info (hope you don't mind), and I noticed you're a writer, so you're probably more comfortable with being introverted/a bit homebodyish. Since you're in college, maybe finding a writing group so you can start getting feedback on your writing would help. Or maybe board games, or something like that?

I hope some of this helps.