Cheating-not sure what I can do or what is right need input please

[mrshutcho9988]

My husband and I have been together for 4 years. He lives in Australia-me in the US. Of the 4 years, we have spent more time apart than together just because its so expensive to fly back and forth, unemployment, lack of funds, immigration issues, etc. You name the problem, we've had it. Basically the last time I've seen my husband in any way other than a picture was Febuary 2012, which means we've been apart for almost 1 year. Before he left (because he had too, visa ran out) I found some facebook messages from a year before where he was attempting to hook up or at the very least flirt suggestively with other women. He left a couple of days later so for the past year I have been angry, resentful, and pretty much awful to him. Since he is 16 hours ahead of me it makes it really hard to find quality time to talk. On top of that he has not been able to find full time work there, which means that our hope of closing the distance is pretty much nill, and it is going to be a LONG time before we can. We can't even begin to close it until he has full time work, obviously. I don't work, partly because I am a full time student and also because with the economy, I cant find anything. So basically to sum it up for the past year I've been mean and not very supportive because I feel like he's keeping up apart by not having work, and then the whole talking to other women thing. So last night he admitted to me that he went to a woman's house who he was friends with and she had kissed him, but after she kissed him he left her house and has not talked to her. That woman does not know that we are married, and he did not tell her, which is almost as bad as the act itself. He told me that he feels like I don't care about him because of the way I've been acting, and I can sympathize with that, but I am lonely, and in need of personal affection as well but I have not talked to another man since I met him, let alone kiss, or have sex with someone else. We spent 7 hours on Skype last night crying and he is very remorseful and very apologetic, and basically just says i love you im sorry the whole time. I feel completely betrayed, but I know in my heart that if he were here with me, or I with him that none of this would ever happen. We are very affectionate in person, we are happy, and on the surface people always say we are meant too be, and I feel that we are. My problem is what do I do now? How do we work this out, or even try from 9000 miles away? Has anyone been through this? I don't know what I can do, and I almost feel like I'm not respecting myself if I stay with him, but I don't want to just give up-it's not my nature. I feel in my heart that me being resentful, and not forgiving him or giving him the trust pushed him into this situation, but I also know that it's not my fault that he put himself in that. Any input would be helpful. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do (ldr), and I really need help. Thank you all.

[Kristin91]

Communicate with him any way you can, whether it be through email, facebook messages, skype, online text message services... Do whatever you have to do to stay in contact with him and build your relationship up again.

[Zephii]

My thoughts are likely erratic because I'm doing 100 things at once. Please forgive that.

I'm thinking:

* Buy this man a very ostentatious wedding band. That way he doesn't need to tell people, it's plain for the world to see. And he can't use "I can't wear jewelry" as an excuse because the man doesn't have a job and thus wont lose his finger in a machine someplace.
* It's just a kiss. And he didn't instigate it. IMO that isn't even cheating. Very forgivable. Doesn't mean you are a push over.
* Personally, if Obi and I were to ever face a period so long where we knew we wouldn't see each other (like a year or more.) I'd probably let him sleep with other people, or at least send him an escort for his birthday. A year is a long time. I know most people are all "love waits forever" but I'm all "trust is more important than monogamy" I mean, if you know he's sleeping with other people it stops you needing to worry that he might be, eh?
* Lets look at this - a year ago you found some messages that were a year old. That's two years. Unless you have a reason to suspect he's being unfaithful NOW you need to let this shit go because it will destroy your relationship. Give him a chance to prove to you that he's not a scumbag
* Which country are you moving to. If you're heading over this way I have some experience with that visa and may be able to help you with any questions in the future.

Good luck!

[Dezface]

I had a similar experience with my ex. Basically I found suspicious stuff on his computer/phone. He never would fully admit he was cheating but I knew it. But I didn't want to leave. So I stuck around. But I was resentful and angry and a lot of the times I treated him pretty badly. And because I treated him badly, he looked to others for comfort even more, which made me more angry. And on and on. Vicious cycle. I think what it comes down to, is can you trust him again? Because if you know in your heart you never will, move on now. That anger and resentment doesn't go away. It gets worse. You'll always wonder what he's out doing and who he's with, and because you're long distance it'll be even more disastrous.

The main part of this story that's telling to me is that he didn't tell her he was married. Clearly he wanted her to believe he was single. So maybe he didn't initiate the kiss, and felt bad enough after to leave, but he went there wanting something from it.

I don't know if you should throw in the towel but you really need to evaluate if you can deal with all that's happened and move forward. Love is all great and fine and dandy but without trust it's just not enough.

[Irina_Linn]

i also had similar experience...we had a huuuge fight (i will give details later maybe coz dont wanna remember it now) but the story is he went to spend night (just sleeping lol) as i kicked him out of the room with some chick, and later on i saw his messages, where he was referring to me as to "over-reacting EX gf" etc.and he was all cheesy with her n shit arrrr i hate the bitch hahaha.sorry tho,i got distracted.my point is that you either let it go (try at least) or you will never be able to act normal with him again.honestly,it was just a kiss and as for me,its not such a big crime.yes it hurts but i think you are able to forgive him with time.as for me i am not even sure whether my SO had anything with that putain but i am doing my best not to get furious any time these memories come across my mind.so just communicate a lot and honestly and try to forgive him

[MattDavies86]

My thoughts are likely erratic because I'm doing 100 things at once. Please forgive that.
* Personally, if Obi and I were to ever face a period so long where we knew we wouldn't see each other (like a year or more.) I'd probably let him sleep with other people, or at least send him an escort for his birthday. A year is a long time. I know most people are all "love waits forever" but I'm all "trust is more important than monogamy" I mean, if you know he's sleeping with other people it stops you needing to worry that he might be, eh?

That's extreme! I don't think I could ever be happy with this, either way, I would feel bad and guilty even if she sanctioned it, I like to think people should only be together like that if their in a relationship, I get that it's an extenuating circumstance though.

[Hyacinth]

i really feel for you. i'm just gonna be real honest here and ask you, do you really see this working out?
i'm not saying you should give up but you are clearly unhappy. we all know LDRs suck but things seem to be stacking up in your 'cons' list. how does your 'pros' list compare? *gives you a big hug*
on another note, and if possible, you should go out with your buddies, have a girly night out or something, clear your head and just enjoy yourself <3