I doubt many of you remember me here. I have been inactive for a while, at least several months. But I wanted to update you on the end of my relationship and share my story in hopes that it will help me heal.
I flew out to be with my SO on December 13th. We had been in a relationship for 20 months. This was going to be my second visit and I was supposed to be there to stay. I had a one way ticket, we talked about apartments. I had sold my car, quit my job, said goodbye to my family and prepared to move my life half way across the country to be with the man I loved.
Without explaining every little detail my mom said she had a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. She had decided after I left to dig up as much information about my SO online as she could. Around December 16th or 17th, the day before I was set to sign a lease on our apartment my mom found out that he was never who he said he was. His name and his identity were true enough, but he had an 8 months pregnant fiance whom he was living with and hiding from me for the last year or so. I was absolutely crushed, strangled by sadness, disbelief and the worst emotional pain I have ever felt or believe I ever will feel. I flew home the next day to spend the most miserable Christmas ever at home. It was several days before I really talked, ate, or slept.
Weeks down the line I have had two people on facebook that knew my SO personally apologize for not warning me, they had no idea. I had no idea this other woman even existed as he seems to have logged into her facebook and blocked me from her profile. She doesnt exist beyond a few clues to me. I now no longer speak to my SO, his facebook is blocked. It was extremely difficult to just stop talking to someone I loved with all my heart and talked to nearly every day for over the last year and a half. After I flew home I had initially sent him a few texts but when I realized I was just heart broken over the loss and trying to hold on that I had to cut ties to preserve some sanity and try to move on. I find myself now an extremely angry person and I never was before. I think it comes from giving 100% of my love and honesty to someone to realize that not only was my entire relationship a lie but I was vulnerable and honest and that was completely betrayed. I feel angry and disgusted because I dont know how someone lets a person they "love" drop their entire life to be with them. I dont understand how someone is willing to let you commit to the bitter end and attempt to live a double life like that. I just have no idea how one human being does this to another. No clue. I'm angry and embarassed that I had to explain the situation to all of my family and friends when I returned home. It was as painful as the day I found out every single time. Also embarassed at the prospect of being tested for STDs. I despise him now. I want to tell him how much I hate him, I want to hear him admit to what he did, admit to hurting me. I want him to feel just a shred of the pain I went through somehow but that's not possible and not productive.
I posted this to hopefully help in healing these emotions and trying to move on. In the next month or so I plan to begin some therapy to help deal with the anger, damaged confidence and trust issues. I just feel like I dont know anything anymore. My entire life changed. I went from loving someone with everything I am to hating them more than I ever new possible. Just bought a car but I am still jobless, single, and essentially homeless as I bounce from couch to couch at my friend's places. I'm going through a mid-life crisis of sorts and even though I feel damaged and broken and hurt what I want most right now is another relationship. I know that I am supposed to be patient and heal first but its hard. I am an extremely loving person, I miss sharing myself with someone. I miss laying down next to someone at night. I just miss affectionate human touch. I feel so alone, I know most people will think oh youve only been single for three weeks but its different. I have been physically all alone for a year, just when I got a taste of what I wanted most it was stolen away from me and my entire relationship was a lie. I feel like I've been alone for that year and then some. I want to be loved again. I will allow someone to love me if they try.
I will never enter another long distance relationship again. I have always been a positive person. I try to give people a chance even when others told me any online relationship will be with a liar I said but I met my true love online, I trust people until they give me a reason not to. I am no longer that way, I find it hard to trust anyone now.
I wish you guys the best of luck and welcome hearing what you have to say. This is all about healing and support and I hope some good can come of this for someone. Maybe there is a message to be taken from this. I'll be around a bit to check this thread but once it slows down I doubt I'll be back. Thankyou guys for being there when I was active here, and thanks for being here now. This is an awesome community. Best wishes.
Lindsay
I flew out to be with my SO on December 13th. We had been in a relationship for 20 months. This was going to be my second visit and I was supposed to be there to stay. I had a one way ticket, we talked about apartments. I had sold my car, quit my job, said goodbye to my family and prepared to move my life half way across the country to be with the man I loved.
Without explaining every little detail my mom said she had a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. She had decided after I left to dig up as much information about my SO online as she could. Around December 16th or 17th, the day before I was set to sign a lease on our apartment my mom found out that he was never who he said he was. His name and his identity were true enough, but he had an 8 months pregnant fiance whom he was living with and hiding from me for the last year or so. I was absolutely crushed, strangled by sadness, disbelief and the worst emotional pain I have ever felt or believe I ever will feel. I flew home the next day to spend the most miserable Christmas ever at home. It was several days before I really talked, ate, or slept.
Weeks down the line I have had two people on facebook that knew my SO personally apologize for not warning me, they had no idea. I had no idea this other woman even existed as he seems to have logged into her facebook and blocked me from her profile. She doesnt exist beyond a few clues to me. I now no longer speak to my SO, his facebook is blocked. It was extremely difficult to just stop talking to someone I loved with all my heart and talked to nearly every day for over the last year and a half. After I flew home I had initially sent him a few texts but when I realized I was just heart broken over the loss and trying to hold on that I had to cut ties to preserve some sanity and try to move on. I find myself now an extremely angry person and I never was before. I think it comes from giving 100% of my love and honesty to someone to realize that not only was my entire relationship a lie but I was vulnerable and honest and that was completely betrayed. I feel angry and disgusted because I dont know how someone lets a person they "love" drop their entire life to be with them. I dont understand how someone is willing to let you commit to the bitter end and attempt to live a double life like that. I just have no idea how one human being does this to another. No clue. I'm angry and embarassed that I had to explain the situation to all of my family and friends when I returned home. It was as painful as the day I found out every single time. Also embarassed at the prospect of being tested for STDs. I despise him now. I want to tell him how much I hate him, I want to hear him admit to what he did, admit to hurting me. I want him to feel just a shred of the pain I went through somehow but that's not possible and not productive.
I posted this to hopefully help in healing these emotions and trying to move on. In the next month or so I plan to begin some therapy to help deal with the anger, damaged confidence and trust issues. I just feel like I dont know anything anymore. My entire life changed. I went from loving someone with everything I am to hating them more than I ever new possible. Just bought a car but I am still jobless, single, and essentially homeless as I bounce from couch to couch at my friend's places. I'm going through a mid-life crisis of sorts and even though I feel damaged and broken and hurt what I want most right now is another relationship. I know that I am supposed to be patient and heal first but its hard. I am an extremely loving person, I miss sharing myself with someone. I miss laying down next to someone at night. I just miss affectionate human touch. I feel so alone, I know most people will think oh youve only been single for three weeks but its different. I have been physically all alone for a year, just when I got a taste of what I wanted most it was stolen away from me and my entire relationship was a lie. I feel like I've been alone for that year and then some. I want to be loved again. I will allow someone to love me if they try.
I will never enter another long distance relationship again. I have always been a positive person. I try to give people a chance even when others told me any online relationship will be with a liar I said but I met my true love online, I trust people until they give me a reason not to. I am no longer that way, I find it hard to trust anyone now.
I wish you guys the best of luck and welcome hearing what you have to say. This is all about healing and support and I hope some good can come of this for someone. Maybe there is a message to be taken from this. I'll be around a bit to check this thread but once it slows down I doubt I'll be back. Thankyou guys for being there when I was active here, and thanks for being here now. This is an awesome community. Best wishes.
Lindsay
I'm so sorry. That's horrible. The only advice I have is to watch some sappy Nicholas Sparks' movies, eat plenty of ice cream and write some angry posts. That always helps. We're all here for you. 
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