Figured I'd update. Ive been on a few dates but I just miss what I had before the reality of the situation ruined it. I miss that connection. I miss that spark with someone. And I feel like I hate myself for some reason. I dont know why, I just get angry with myself when I go out on a date and there's no spark and there's periods of silence. Its not so much anger its...discouragement. I usually get home later and feel empty. I know I wont find someone else I enjoy unless I try but I think I worry too much, that I'll never find someone who compares to the man I hate, but still love, but hate. Teary-eyed and confused...
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Finding myself. -
This makes me sad and to be honest I think you’re giving yourself such a hard time!Originally posted by goalie_girl34 View Post
You will have that connection, you’ll find that spark and you know what? It’s gunna be better and you’ll start to forget this happened. It may never go away and it won’t be erased from your memory but you’ll find that missing puzzle piece. Now... go have some carrot sticks and hummus (my current junk food!)Comment
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I agree with digitalfever.Originally posted by goalie_girl34 View Post
It's only been a month or two since you ended things, and that's compared to your two year relationship, yes? It's great to hear that you're putting yourself out there, but it's also possible that it's simply too soon to think about forming a lasting romantic connection with someone. I was prepared for my break-up. I was the one who initiated my break-up. I grieved my break-up before I followed through on it and therefore found it easier to move on after I severed ties with him. And yet I feel it's still too soon for me to consider dating. I signed up for Zoosk in late December and made it clear that I was there to meet people for friendship (and if it develops further at some point down the line, then great), but I ended up getting anxious when someone pushed me to meet-up with them and backing out. And then there was one person I met who I enjoyed talking to, but I enjoyed his company because he found me interesting, not strange; he himself was not the most interesting character and I realised I would probably get bored if I pursued it any further. And honestly? The only thing I learned/drew from that experience was that it was easy to let the discouragement set in because I was in a situation I wasn't ready to be in. It was easy to become discouraged because I was pushing myself to get results I was not ready for and am not currently ready for.
Maybe what you need to focus on instead is re-finding yourself? Going out on a casual date or two is fine, but maybe stop looking so hard to discover that spark or romantic connection? Though it may be a bit presumptuous to say, I would apply it to myself as well, so I'm going to say it regardless.
But I feel like if you were to find someone and discover that spark now, when you are still this hurt and angry over what happened to you, you would ultimately find yourself in a relationship or situation that you regretted. I think for as long as you have the hurt and anger, and they're this fresh (because we will all grieve and sometimes things hit us randomly for a day or even an hour or two when we feel like we're doing well), you run the risk of ending up in a rebound relationship and I have yet to find anyone who's actually been happy in a rebound relationship. It's good for a while while things are honeymoony and you may have that inkling of doubt but you can ignore it because at least the affection can stamp out the pain of your break-up for a while, but eventually, that wears off, and you find that you're in a relationship that you don't really want or maybe you're repeating similar patterns from your past relationship or maybe you're creating new patterns but they aren't the patterns you want to find. I honestly feel like looking for that lasting connection now, unless what you're seeking is something more casual, you're not going to find it, because you were shattered by someone and as much as it sucks, the only people we sometimes have to help rebuild ourselves is us.
What are your interests and hobbies? Or maybe you want to explore something new? Have you tried meetup.com? You can find groups in your area of similar interests or in areas you might be interested in exploring and sometimes that's a good way to get out and meet people. If I were you, I would focus on getting out there and socialising, but doing less so with the intention of meeting a guy and finding that spark, and moreso with the intention of expanding your social circle or at least getting out of the house and giving you something to have fun doing. I would consider that and I would still encourage pursuing therapy, and I think that you'll find that finding someone, discovering that spark, is not just about trying, but also about being completely open to it, and I guess I don't personally feel you can completely be open to finding it when you're still hurting inside from a break-up. Sometimes that discouragement isn't meant to tell us "not ever," just "not right now." Hang in there.
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