Confused. Very confused.

[melly]

As some of you guys may know, I posted on another thread about how my boyfriend's dad took his phone and laptop away and we couldn't contact each other.

The thing is, although we were together for 9 months, I've never saw his close-up pictures. I haven't heard his voice before. Nor have we met. Each time I go to Singapore, he'd make up excuses.

It wasn't until yesterday, that I decided to look up who he is. Some of you might think that I'm a creeper but I guess that was what I needed to do given how I have been suspecting things but only decided to put my feelings aside.

So, I called up the school that he was supposedly studying at. The school said there's no one under my boyfriend's name. Instead, a person who goes by the same surname. A girl's name.

Confused, I asked for her contacts. I got the mom's phone number. I contacted the mother. At first, it was difficult to get her to talk since I was practically a stranger throwing questions at her. Then I slowly explained everything to her. She's a nice mom. She knew where I was coming from and she explained everything to me. Since my boyfriend couldn't get online, I asked her if she could help me, so I could talk to my boyfriend personally.

At night, she did. She gave him his phone back so we could talk. She asked me not to confront him until he tells me the truth, so that's what I did. I made him tell the truth and he subtly did.

You see, he isn't a guy. But a tomboy.

Which explained everything. From why she didn't want to talk to me on skype or webcam with me to why she always didn't want to meet me. Everything made sense.

No offense to some of you out there, but I'm born straight. And the guy I fell in love with was just made up by this girl. She told me she really loves me though. I don't know who I'm in love with now. I'm so confused. Is it possible to be in love with someone that doesn't exist? The someone that she made up just so she could impress me?

I really feel bad for her, for not being happy with who she really is. For having to put up being a girl on the outside when really, she is a guy. She even talks like a guy and behaves like one. So.. I really don't know right now. I love 'him' but I don't know if I love her. I have been thinking, all these things that she's told me for the past 9 months, I don't know which are lies and which are not. And I can't bear to hurt her. Because I was so used to her talking like a guy and thinking that she's a guy for the past 9 months, it's like my mind now is working that way. My mind would just see her as a guy when we're talking on msn. And I'd have to keep reminding myself that she isn't a guy.. I guess that's why I can't bear to hurt her. Because part of the guy that I fell in love with is part of her. I really don't know what to do now. Help?

[LadyMarchHare]

Wow. Just... wow.

So let me see if I read this right, the entire person, personality and all, is an imaginary person and not her? Or is it merely the identity and gender, the personality being the same? On one hand I can feel bad for her because she is obviously trapped in the wrong gender, but I can't because she willingly deceived someone and that is not what you do when you love someone. Love is about being honest and it's one thing to tell a white lie and another to lie about what and who you are as a whole. If it were me I would drop contact with them for that alone, but I have trust issues and that basically violates all levels of trust. She was letting you love a false person, did she believe it would last or that eventually, when your feelings were too strong, reveal it to you and hope you wouldn't mind?

But if you want to keep talking to her, demand the truth and all of it. Tell her to sort out what is her and what was him. I wouldn't be lenient if she waffles on it, you deserve it all laid bare regardless even if that seems a little mean. But really what's worse, making her cry while she tells you the truth about who you think you've been loving or her letting this lie go for 9 months?

As for the love part, that's hard. Being straight myself I'm not sure what I would do if my SO ended up a woman, like say through surgery. I imagine I would still love them but it's different circumstances. If you want, get to know the real person. Does she want transgender surgery? Even if not, if you could forgive her and learn to care about her like you did this figment of her imagination, could you really look past the gender?

[Rach321]

Oh Melly, I'm very, very sorry to hear this. I really can't tell you what to do. If I were in your shoes, I would feel betrayed, but if I really loved the person, I would really try to find a way to understand why they didn't tell me the truth on their own.

This is a very complicated situation, and one that s/he may or may not really understand him/herself. For me, as a straight woman, it would probably depend on many things whether or not I'd be able to continue in a relationship with a female person who I believed to be a man and who believed himself to be a man. I do know of couples in which one of the partners is transexual, but the other is not gay. If I fell in love with someone who was biologically female but truly believed himself to be a man and wanted to go through the process of gender reassignment, I can see myself being with him. But I'm not so sure I could if he had not been honest with me all along.

This is something that your boyfriend is going to have to figure out on his/her own. It's probably much of the reason that s/he is struggling so much in school. You can be supportive of him/her, but also be sure that you're taking care of yourself. It may take some time to really sink in that the person you love isn't exactly who you thought they were. In some ways, he may have been his most genuine with you. Perhaps the guy you feel in love with really is who this person feels he is. But it could also be that she was trying out what it would be like to be a guy with you. And she does consider herself to be a woman, even if she's not a very feminine woman. If she considers herself a lesbian, and you do not consider yourself to be lesbian, I can't really imagine that it will work out. Relationships built on lies, even when there are "good" reasons for the lie, don't often work out. It's just too hard to really build up trust again when it's been lost.

I really wish you the best Melly!

[melly]

LadyMarchHare, your questions got me thinking. Sure, I'd still care for her. But maybe not like how I cared about the 'guy' her. And no, I don't think I can look past the gender because I'm born straight.

But regardless, I still love her. Maybe it's because I'm so confused right now. Maybe I'm delusional. Stubborn to let that guy I loved so much go. The guy that I wanted to marry and have kids with some day. The guy that I thought was my true love. The guy.. who doesn't even exist as a person.

Maybe I still don't want to let her go because part of him is in her. Maybe I'm just selfish like that.

The personality can't be fake though, because I think it's hard to fake a personality and keep it consistent for 9 months. It was the personality that attracted me in the first place. But that was when I thought she's a guy. Now that the truth is out, I still love her, just maybe not the way I used to love her, I don't know.

She told me last night, that she refuses to be called anything else but Ben. She said the person on her birth certificate, just isn't who she is. I really feel bad for her, to be trapped and be truly unhappy with her biological self. The thing is, right now I'm scared that what I feel is a mixture of pity and love. And I don't know if it's love or if it's pity that's holding me back, from leaving her.

I can't bear to leave her. Afterall, these 9 months may have been filled with lies. But I know our feelings weren't fake. I really don't know what to do right now.

[Silviar]

So, here's the thing. If your boyfriend is transsexual, then s/he's not a tomboy, but is psychologically male while physically female. If that is the case, then honestly, you HAVE been talking to a boy all along. What you're talking about here is something that isn't easy for you, but it could still work out if you both want it to...depending on her responses.

I think it's very important that you two have a frank talk about what s/he wants out of this. Is she a lesbian, transsexual, a transvestite, just tomboy-ish? Her response is what'll determine how you guys step forward.

You can always still love someone and not be in a romantic relationship, as well. I would give yourself the time to listen, really listen to her, and not make an immediate decision, but give yourself a few days to mull it over and think on it. This is someone you care about, even if you're not going to continue being a couple. There are many things you'll need to consider before you decide how much you have her in your life.

*big, big hugs*

[Darth_Taco]

I had a friend go through the same thing recently, except the guy only lived like an hour away and they saw each other in person regularly. The person passed as male. He had been born a girl, but genuinely felt he was a boy. On the internet, he always presented himself as male, never mentioning his biological gender. He met mt friend online, they really liked each other, he tried to tell her the truth, she said something that discouraged him from doing so (she regrets this), met in person, avoided sex, uh... I forgot what else XP. Anyway, he lied about his age as well. He was 14, not 15. This was a major issue for my friend, since she's about to turn 18. Oh no wait, it's today! Holy crap, I need to find her and say happy birthday @_@! Anyway, they broke up. It's temporary though. They still love each other, but are waiting till he's 16 and it's legal according to their state's law.

Lemme explain why they stayed together. He hid something really big from her. He shouldn't have done this, but fear doesn't exactly make you rational. It did come out eventually. She found out from his best friend. Not the best way for stuff like this to happen. Well, she decided to give him a second chance as a friend after confronting him about it. He turned out to be the exact same person. He was a little younger, and he had a vagina. That was it though, he was the same guy. He promised to never lie again, and she has peoples to make sure of that >.>...<.<...>.>... Here's the thing, my friend is straight. The man she fell in love with just happens to completely understand her when she's menstruating XP. Lucky bastard ;_;. Anyway, she lucked out in many ways. He was for the most part honest, he had the exact same personality, and he's actually trying to go through the entire transitioning process.

I'm not sure if you're as lucky with the person you're with. That's something you'll have to find out through talking. Just remember to please be sensitive towards the whole transgender issue. Remember, people still get murdered for being transgender. If you haven't already, I suggest watching the movie "Boys Don't Cry", gives a good example of unjust treatment. If you read about the real Brandon Teena, you'll see things were actually worse for him than in the movie XP. Back to you! You two really need to have a good talk, and separate lies and truths. After taking all of that in mind, you can figure out if you want to continue this relationship or not. I really hope the best for you two.

[LadyMarchHare]

LadyMarchHare, your questions got me thinking. Sure, I'd still care for her. But maybe not like how I cared about the 'guy' her. And no, I don't think I can look past the gender because I'm born straight.

But regardless, I still love her. Maybe it's because I'm so confused right now. Maybe I'm delusional. Stubborn to let that guy I loved so much go. The guy that I wanted to marry and have kids with some day. The guy that I thought was my true love. The guy.. who doesn't even exist as a person.

Maybe I still don't want to let her go because part of him is in her. Maybe I'm just selfish like that.

The personality can't be fake though, because I think it's hard to fake a personality and keep it consistent for 9 months. It was the personality that attracted me in the first place. But that was when I thought she's a guy. Now that the truth is out, I still love her, just maybe not the way I used to love her, I don't know.

She told me last night, that she refuses to be called anything else but Ben. She said the person on her birth certificate, just isn't who she is. I really feel bad for her, to be trapped and be truly unhappy with her biological self. The thing is, right now I'm scared that what I feel is a mixture of pity and love. And I don't know if it's love or if it's pity that's holding me back, from leaving her.

I can't bear to leave her. Afterall, these 9 months may have been filled with lies. But I know our feelings weren't fake. I really don't know what to do right now.

There's no shame in staying true to your sexuality, just as there's no shame in staying true to the gender you feel more comfortable as. Just, you know, not in this way.

I ultimately can't tell you what to do because we're two different people, but from an outside view all I can say is it's probably better to let them be. There's a line between lying out of fear of rejection and lying and keeping it straight for a few months shy of a year. I can understand wanting people to see the you that is who you are inside, I had a transsexual friend (male to female) who even before any operations or hormone therapy preferred to be known as Sophia over his real name and referred to as female. However, we all knew what he originally was and he was not afraid to tell them. This person went 9 months, waking up every day knowing they were lying. And it's not simply they lied to someone as a friend. You fell in love with the lie, you wanted a future with it, and she continued. Maybe she feels guilt, maybe not, but obviously not enough since you had to pry into the lie's life just to figure out why you couldn't be given simple comforts any LDR demands.

As for faking the personality, you would be surprised. My father was a pathological liar and seamlessly kept up what I call a 'mask' for perhaps his entire life if not just starting around his twenties when he began fostering abused boys whom he molested. He then moved on to marry my mom, who he abused but she could never prove in court, and me. His own family, his own SISTER never knew that the man he presented in public was not him. He was that thorough. I doubt she's such a liar, but my point was mainly it is very possible to keep a straight lie like that and fake yourself for acceptance.

I don't want to sound like I have no sympathy for her because I know her side from my aforementioned friend, but I'll also point out said friend was an asshole and despite going through the VERY rough world of being the wrong gender, I give no pity for those who, when someone is in need, tells them to kill themselves because THEIR life is harder for this anomaly. She went about being 'Ben' the wrong way and she needs help to not only find the right way but to see about getting a start on the very long, expensive, and painful process of being Ben and not who she was born as, but I don't think you're the one to help her. I also don't think you love her, at least not in a way that would maintain a relationship.

I'm sorry if any of that's out of line, I'm just rather angry for you because I know what loving a liar is like, reason aside.

@Silviar: Regardless of who they really are in terms of internal gender and soul, it's a girl. Physically, and even with surgery she will not be a complete man. There's also a very high risk of suicide regardless of whether or not they have the surgeries to switch genders because it is very hard on both body and mind between the struggle for acceptance and hormone therapy. It's a destructive path to go down with someone because if they don't know who they are, how are you to know?

[Caitlin2009]

O_o well first off i was born bi sexual and even if she was in love with me, theres no way in hell i would continue to talk to her, i couldnt do it because the relationship was started on a lie and theres no friggen way! That to me is waaaay too creepy because what if that was some 50 something year old guy pretending to be whoever you thought this person was, alright you love her or who you thought this person was but being dishonest about who she really was is a deal breaker im sorry i couldnt go on with the relationship if i found that out.

[Silviar]

@Silviar: Regardless of who they really are in terms of internal gender and soul, it's a girl. Physically, and even with surgery she will not be a complete man. There's also a very high risk of suicide regardless of whether or not they have the surgeries to switch genders because it is very hard on both body and mind between the struggle for acceptance and hormone therapy. It's a destructive path to go down with someone because if they don't know who they are, how are you to know?

I have worked quite a bit in the LBGT community where I live; I have counseled and friended transsexuals and transvestites, and it was also part of my studies for my degree. My only intent was to try to be open with the OP about her options, as she was looking at her options. I made it pretty clear that the OP needs to decide what is best for her; I didn't say she should stick around in a romantic relationship. There are plenty of other relationships a person can have - OP may wish to remain friends since they obviously have a lot in common. It's not up to me to tell the OP what to decide. It's something that OP needs to research, decide, and talk about with her/him. And this possibility you mentioned, gender reassignment, may not be relevant if s/he is transvestite or tomboy.

[*Georgia Peach*]

Wow. I had to actually read your post a few times to make sure I got it all right.

I'm gonna have to look at this kinda different, because I'm gay, so the whole "I'm a girl" thing would actually work for me. Lol.

If my girlfriend actually turned out to be my boyfriend, being that I am gay, I would have to put a stop to the romantic relationship. You can't help who you have feelings for. Love doesn't know a race or a gender, so it can become really complicated. But the romantic relationship would have to end. Now, if you're strong enough to stay friends whith the girl who is Ben, then I say go for it. Or at least try... If you want. Transgender people need all the supporting friends they can get (I had a really close friend who was male to female transgender) because the life they live is very hard.

I suppose what I would do is insist that you meet. Have a very long, serious talk and separate the truth from the lie. Determine wether or not you can remain friends with him (I refer to this person as him out of respect for the fact that he has asked that). Demand nothing but truth from him from that point on if you feel that you can. Be completely honest with him. Tell him that you were born straight and that a romantic relationship can't continue because, biologically, he is female. Get everything out in the open, even though it may hurt. Determine after all the truth has come out wether you can remain friends with him or not, and then go from there.

Take things one day at a time, hon. You'll get through this, and you have a good support system behind you in this forum. You can PM me any time if you feel the need to talk. I'm really sorry about your situation, and if there is any more I can do for you, don't hesitate to ask.

P.S. - A good book to read to read to really get into the head of transgender teenager is "Luna" by Julie Anne Peters. And I reccomend the movie "Boys Don't Cry", even though I personally cannot watch it... Too difficult for me. Stay strong, hon. Good luck!

[LadyMarchHare]

I have worked quite a bit in the LBGT community where I live; I have counseled and friended transsexuals and transvestites, and it was also part of my studies for my degree. My only intent was to try to be open with the OP about her options, as she was looking at her options. I made it pretty clear that the OP needs to decide what is best for her; I didn't say she should stick around in a romantic relationship. There are plenty of other relationships a person can have - OP may wish to remain friends since they obviously have a lot in common. It's not up to me to tell the OP what to decide. It's something that OP needs to research, decide, and talk about with her/him. And this possibility you mentioned, gender reassignment, may not be relevant if s/he is transvestite or tomboy.

Was never my intent to imply you were pushing a romantic relationship, sorry. I only go by what I know as far as those with a gender identity problem are concerned as I've known a few over the years and it always seems to go pretty badly, but I'm by no means an expert. I think if there WAS a possibility of continuing romance the surgery would probably be needed because of her sexuality. You can love someone outside your sexual preference but there are different types of love and so on and it's kinda obvious 'he' wants romance. It's a very complicated situation not only for that but as you mentioned we don't know exactly WHAT to call them in order to say 'well here's how it may go down' or at least give some sort of vague prediction.

[Zephii]

I didn't read the replies, because I wanted to not be swayed by other people's comments in my relpy, so I'm sorry if I repeat something or ask questions you might have already answered.

I'm not straight, so it's hard for me to truly understand how you must feel with this... but I'm wondering.. is she planning on getting the change? If she intends to become a man later in life that solves most things really... how do you feel about adopting children?

I know you must hurt because of the lies but you probably understand why she did it too. I'd suggest just talk to her, about everything, about how confused you are and ask her questions, lots of questions about why she did it, what she expected to achieve and all the rest. It might just help you both be less confused.

[meLeo]

Melly, believe or not i were in your bf/gf position. I truly understand what he/she feels right now. I was in relations with my SO nearly 4 years and i have been meet her more than 6 times. It's really hurt and pain. And she doesn't know that i'm the guy that she in love with. I don't mean to lie to her but i already been trapped with it for a years. I ever tried to not keep in touch with her and even hurt her so badly but she keep on looking for me. If i choose to tell her that I'm not a man, it will really hurt her and so i decided to run, I know this is not a good way but i wish i can have another choice. I do want to tell her with all this lies but i'm afraid that i can't bear it.
I have a reason why i did this and I'm sure she/he does. Just have a open conversation with her/him. Then you decide.
Just follow your heart.
All the best!

[melly]

Thanks for all the advice, guys. I've been thinking and I think I won't leave him. Because I fell in love with who he is, and not only because I thought he was a boy. Surprisingly, after all the lies, I still love him just as much. We had a long chat on msn and we talked it out. I'm still with him, and we still love each other just as much. Ben is still Ben on the inside. I'm not sure of the future for the both of us, but we'll just take things as they come along. But yeah, thanks for all your advice.

meLeo, you should tell her one day, so it'd stop hurting the both of you. good luck to you.

[paulawriteslove]

Wow, that is so confusing! And I am so sorry about this whole situation. If I was in this situation I wouldn't know how I would handle this, because to me the whole relationship would seem like a lie. If you do continue to keep talking to her then I would want to know what were lies. I understand that you had a picture in your mind that she was a boy, but trying to change that image can be extremely difficult. I'm straight and if that happened to me I have no idea what I would do. If you don't feel comfortable that she is a girl then you're going to have to hurt her. But she did somewhat put herself in that position. She should have told you the whole situation in the beginning of the relationship so your feelings and her feelings wouldn't have gotten hurt so much now. I hope this helps a little bit. Good luck!