I don't know what to do

[faith_patience_believe]

I need some advice. Here's the story:

We met online over a year and a half ago. Since then, we've talked almost every single day and developed a connection that I don't have with anyone else. He knows more about my inner feelings than my friends do. We've become very close. Last summer, we met up for the first time and it was perfect and wonderful. We had so much fun and decided to start an official relationship at that point. He stayed for a week and when he left I was in the worst emotional pain I'd ever felt. I missed him so much. I'm sure you can all relate. We stayed in every day content for 6 months and grew even closer. Finally, in December we were able to visit again, this time for 3 and a half weeks. The first 2 weeks were perfect again. We had so much fun finally being together again. The third week was a little rough. There are things about him that got on my nerves and made me wonder if we were compatible enough to be together forever. I began to question our relationship. The things that bothered me were some of the ways he judged others and viewed the world. Also, it bothered me that there were things he wanted to change about me, which he mentioned as being possible issues in the long run that might ruin HIS opinion of our compatibility. By the last 3 days of our visit, the issues didn't pop up quite as much but were still there. And as soon as he got on the plane (2 days ago) and left again, I missed him terribly. I've been crying and having a terrible time sorting out my emotions and opinions about our relationship since then. I've never been in a relationship before so this is all I know. We've spoken about our issues and understand each other but are both a bit stubborn.

So my question is, what do you do when things bug you during a visit but then when they leave you miss them like crazy and all you want is to be in their arms again? How do you deal with this knowing they're 2000 miles away again and you don't know how to sort out in-person things without actually being in-person? Is a break the right decision? How does that work? How much contact do you maintain?

I really don't know what to do here guys, I miss him sooo much and don't WANT to break up, but part of me wonders if its a good idea. But I'm in so much pain missing him.

Maybe I need to just give it some more time until the initial pain of missing him goes away? But then I'm afraid I won't see the in-person side of him that I saw during this visit and won't feel the need to break up.

Any advice would be helpful.
Thanks

[XxFranticLovexX]

Really, if you want to be with him then the two of you need to compromise. You saying that you have things you dislike and would like him to change is the same as him saying that there are things about you that he wants to change. If it isn't things that are very important to either of you then you should both make changes to be more compatible (just don't completely change yourself for anyone) and learn to accept some of the small things. If these are things that you can't see yourself getting over then talk about it. If neither of you are willing to work on them then it would be best to leave the relationship. Relationships take work and compromise. No one is going to be perfect for anyone but they can be close enough that it can work with a little effort and compromise on each side.

Honestly, a persons views on people/the world/etc can be a big part of their personality and who they are as a whole. Some people can see the flaws in that and want to change but others see nothing wrong with how they look at things and wish to stay the same.

Just talk with him about it and see what the two of you decide. Whether being together or separating make sure to discuss what you both want and do what is best for you.

[ThePiedPiper]

Honestly, a persons views on people/the world/etc can be a big part of their personality and who they are as a whole. Some people can see the flaws in that and want to change but others see nothing wrong with how they look at things and wish to stay the same.

I agree with this. This is a part of what led me to end it with my ex. He had such a negative world view and furthermore, didn't understand that it was negative. He considered himself "happy," "positive" and at one point he even said he considered himself an "optimist," and yet he would say these things while simultaneously criticising other people or making sideways comments (that he passed off as "jokes/humour") when something less than ideal would happen to us. One thing that comes readily to mind is when the ATM was broken when we needed to draw cash out - the situation was that I was going to loan him money for groceries - and the first thing he does is make a massive fuss about it being broken. I was fine with it, said we could simply walk to the other store or we could walk home and get bus fare to bus there, but he continued to go on about it. It was when he said, sardonically, "well that would happen to us, wouldn't it" that I snapped "enough!" and that I was tired of the negativity and we could easily bus or walk to another ATM. My point of this is that's how he was, and he saw nothing wrong with it, but I couldn't live with it. I am not a negative person and I certainly don't let other people ruin my days and I can't outwardly judge them on a constant basis. I won't lie and say I never gossip, but in the end, he was so critical and negative and would say such horrible things about them that I couldn't tolerate it; it scraped against me morally and who I was personally. It didn't bother me half as much as much as when I was gone (though it did occasionally) as when I was with him, so I feel like you need to decide whether it's something you legitimately can handle or if it's a "distance makes the heart grow fonder" situation.

The thing is that a break isn't going to do anything to change what being together won't. You can either work to change these issues, which sound like genuinely core issues, or you can choose not to work towards changing them, but either way, I think it's worth having a sit down and figuring out what you would both need to compromise on in order to make the relationship work. How would he change being critical and negative, and how would you change whatever he's pointed out you could work on? Eventually you're both going to have to drop the stubbornness and pride because that's only going to poison your relationship. Pride can kill a relationship almost quicker than anything, so my suggestion would be to first decide if his personality is something you can live with and if not, why, and then have a talk with him about it. Discuss the issues. Know what you two need to work on and then be realistic about whether or not you could change those aspects of who you both are. It might not be worth it to you or him to change, but these are fundamental issues that will get in the way if ever you were to move in together or close the distance, and I think they're definitely worth talking about.

[Sora1101]

there's no need for a break or to break up if these issues aren't part of your core value system.

Say you find it annoying that he leaves his shoes on and walks all over the carpet, he should learn to take his shoes off. Say he finds it annoying that you leave dishes in the sink, you learn to put them in the dishwasher. That's how relationships work. No one is immediately 100% compatible with their partner, everyone was raised differently so of course there are things that you two are going to butt heads on, that's completely normal you both just need to compromise.

If they're big things like politics, religion or any of those hot button topics and you both can't learn to compromise then you leave the relationship no matter how much you love each other because you both obviously won't change your opinions and some of these issues just break a relationship.

And I think it's completely normal to start getting annoyed at your SO after being together for that amount of time and then being sad when you're apart because when you're apart you realize those little issues don't matter because you love him for him and you can learn to live with the stupid crap you have problems with.

[MattDavies86]

Nobody's perfect, work at it

[ST25]

Nobody's perfect, work at it

^ I have to agree with this. If everyone turned out the way we wanted them, then it'd be a dream come true. But eventually people wake up. But if it doesn't stress you out too much, then I don't see how any compromises can't work.

[Irina_Linn]

you said you have never been in a relationship before,so i can actually understand how you feel relationship at first is a wonderful thing,with all these butterflies in the stomach,pinky dreams and unicorns dancing around you.but after some time when it transforms into something serious,the tough time comes,where you question whether this is a person you wanna be with and you just start seeing his negative points after that pink blurr.its totally normal and this is a time when you decide either you be together or you cant get over it and you drift apart.from your post it seems he is really the right guy so i would advise to give it a try.like said above,no one is perfect.i am sure you also may have something that he doesnt totally like or which seems strange for him.its completely ok because we constantly learn something new about each other in a relationship.just think carefully whether you are serious and ready enough for this relationship.but anyway in future you will have to learn to accept these differenties because if not,no relationship will grow in a serious one

[Julz]

I agree with Matt.
Relationships take work, especially LDR's.

There are things that drive me crazy about my fiancé, like the fact that he's horrible at decision making.
There are things that drive him crazy about me, like my need for constant reassurance.

At the end of the day, they're little things that don't hold any weight in our relationship.
We're so compatible in every other way that those minor things just don't matter.

I would hate for you to give up too soon. It could be something you regret for a very long time.

I think that you both just need to have a serious conversation and let each other know the things that bother you. My fiancé have done just that a few times and its made a huge difference in our relationship.

[ThePiedPiper]

I want to add that I agree with what others are saying about the "little things" but judging others and the way you view the world is typically a pretty big part of your core value system. I'm not saying that you should end it, but I am saying that sometimes the way someone views the world is easy to avoid when you're long-distance because it does not come out as often or as strongly; you're not with them around the world and other people like you are when you're together. My SO's negative outlook on life and other people was a lot easier to deal with when we were LD than when we were together, and being LD again was always hard, no matter how much we'd fought. I think the important thing is to remain realistic about what came out when you were together and how you two need to handle that, because the distance can make you sweep a lot of issues under the rug/table, or at least it did me. And they weren't always little things either.

However, if it's something little like as others have mentioned, leaving the dishes in the sink, those can definitely be worked on and in that case, I would encourage continuing the relationship. If it's something bigger, like his judgment, then that either has to be something he works on (and may not succeed at) or something you decide you can't deal with. And it doesn't make you a bad person not to be able to deal with someone critical, judgmental and negative. Hang in there. <3

[faith_patience_believe]

I want to add that I agree with what others are saying about the "little things" but judging others and the way you view the world is typically a pretty big part of your core value system. I'm not saying that you should end it, but I am saying that sometimes the way someone views the world is easy to avoid when you're long-distance because it does not come out as often or as strongly; you're not with them around the world and other people like you are when you're together. My SO's negative outlook on life and other people was a lot easier to deal with when we were LD than when we were together, and being LD again was always hard, no matter how much we'd fought. I think the important thing is to remain realistic about what came out when you were together and how you two need to handle that, because the distance can make you sweep a lot of issues under the rug/table, or at least it did me. And they weren't always little things either.

However, if it's something little like as others have mentioned, leaving the dishes in the sink, those can definitely be worked on and in that case, I would encourage continuing the relationship. If it's something bigger, like his judgment, then that either has to be something he works on (and may not succeed at) or something you decide you can't deal with. And it doesn't make you a bad person not to be able to deal with someone critical, judgmental and negative. Hang in there. <3

This is exactly the issue that I worry about. Its hard to notice those negative views when we're long distance. If you and your SO are not long distance and happy together now, does he still have those same views? Did you compromise on the situation? Are you just dealing with it? My SO and I are just so new to the relationship thing, we don't know what to expect on how much compromise there should be and how much is just incompatibility that will ruin the relationship.

Thank you everyone for your responses, i really appreciate it

[faith_patience_believe]

Update:
We broke up. He wasn't feeling like there was a good chance for us.
I'm heartbroken. I was so willing to work on things. I guess I won't be around this site too much anymore. Thanks guys for all the support.

[ThePiedPiper]

This is exactly the issue that I worry about. Its hard to notice those negative views when we're long distance. If you and your SO are not long distance and happy together now, does he still have those same views? Did you compromise on the situation? Are you just dealing with it? My SO and I are just so new to the relationship thing, we don't know what to expect on how much compromise there should be and how much is just incompatibility that will ruin the relationship.

Thank you everyone for your responses, i really appreciate it

We broke up. He didn't see anything wrong with it because he thought he was "happy" and "positive" and he went so far as to say he was an "optimist." It was one of the many reasons I couldn't do the relationship, because that wasn't something that was changing. I'm sorry to hear that your relationship experienced the same fate. We're all here for you if you so decide you want to stay/hang around. <3