when is 3 a crowd?

[nomnom_elf]

hi all.

i've posted a fair bit on here since joining near 2 years ago. Some may remember me mentioning my flat in plymouth which i proudly live with my SO when not LDR-ing for my career. this is the basis for my new thread....

when is 3 a crowd?

i mean anyone, family, friends, neighbours? when you visit your OH time is precious- i don't know about you all, but i fearlessly guard it, the only time i let my SO go during my visit is when he has to work (he DJs weekends) or when i'm staying longer than a weekend so i see friends.

my boyfriend phoned me up on sat with an idea to help out our neighbour and friend who is in trouble. i have my doubts about it still. he suggested to save Jermey (our neighbour) trouble with his rent (hes behind and out of work) he can move in until he finds said job/ or new place, help.

our flat is a 1 bedroom, narrow/ cosy place.

the plan is to convert our living room into his place, and install a mezzamine level for our bed to go on in the bedroom, and have storage underneath.... and a ladder for access. i suggested shelves as stairs instead.

while i don't want to appear selfish, as he has been good to us, i can see this getting difficult by the time i permenantly return come sept 2013. i've said yes, as it makes sense since i'm not currently there, though i am hoping its not longer term than first thought.

my over- riding worry is, while jermey has said he'll move out if it gets bad, it might already be too late and have ruined friendship as well as relationship. I've had experience of living in cramped conditions with an ex-BF in the past, the inability to have your own space grew into resentment. i don't want that to happen. any advice other than outright refusal? ty

[lademoiselle]

If I were your SO I'd set a time limit on how long he can accommodate his friend - and make it known from the start. The thing about arrangements like this is they can drag on indefinitely if you aren't upfront about the fact you can't let it be so, and then it becomes awkward to bring the subject up if the visitor is outstaying their welcome I'd say the same thing to a very close friend, or even a family member. I don't think it's being rude; your home is your space after all, so you're the one who says who can stay and for how long.

[Black_Halloween]

If I were your SO I'd set a time limit on how long he can accommodate his friend - and make it known from the start. The thing about arrangements like this is they can drag on indefinitely if you aren't upfront about the fact you can't let it be so, and then it becomes awkward to bring the subject up if the visitor is outstaying their welcome I'd say the same thing to a very close friend, or even a family member. I don't think it's being rude; your home is your space after all, so you're the one who says who can stay and for how long.

She hit the nail on the head. Set a specific time limit in which he can stay.

[ThePiedPiper]

If I were your SO I'd set a time limit on how long he can accommodate his friend - and make it known from the start. The thing about arrangements like this is they can drag on indefinitely if you aren't upfront about the fact you can't let it be so, and then it becomes awkward to bring the subject up if the visitor is outstaying their welcome I'd say the same thing to a very close friend, or even a family member. I don't think it's being rude; your home is your space after all, so you're the one who says who can stay and for how long.

I agree with this. My ex and brother lived in a studio-size apartment with two bedrooms, one common area/kitchen and one bathroom. My ex was a neat freak and his brother was a slob but his brother often won out cause my ex got tired of having to do all the work, so dishes piled up and grew mouldy in the sink and conditions were not... the most inviting (at one point I stepped in his brother's piss on the bathroom floor). I had a hard time living in that environment because three was a crowd. It was a small apartment with little to no room available for space or escape and it felt like the three of us were crowding up what space we did have, especially since the common room was the space most of us spent time when we were not out. I would not have minded sharing the space with my ex, but I was simply one person too many, so I definitely agree that three can become a crowd in tight/cramped conditions, not to mention that if you return permanently in September, that's several months from now and plenty of time to allow him to "get back on his feet" and find a new place/work.

[Sora1101]

I agree with the above and I'd also like to add that you should set up rules for around the house, like helping with chores, making sure he's not always invading your space, things like that.

[Zephii]

terrible grammar and spelling

Time limit for sure.

The loft bed thing is a great idea. I wanted one for our little place but couldn't convince Obi to go for it. When we move, I'll likely bring the subject up again, as having his parents here for the past three weeks has been... well, challenging.

It can be hard, in any sized dwelling, to live with others. And I would say that house rules need to be laid out before anyone moves anywhere. What are expectations for having people over, for example. How much notice will they give each other? What are their lifestyles and personalities? Two quiet people often get along fine in a small space because they find space in their own minds, while a quiet person would struggle to live with a party animal.
Establish rules and signs, for example, a closed door/curtain means "leave me alone" or shoes by the door mean "Having sex don't walk in" (These were common signs in community houses I've lieved in in the past)
If there's a shared washer/dryer, set days where they are used by each person, so everyone gets a fair chance.

Food is also a huge bone of contention. Have an agreed on system so the guest knows what is or isn't off limits, that kind of thing.

I think it will be alright as ong as he's not the kind of guy to want to hang out all the time. You don't have to entertain housemates the way you need to with a guest. If everyone learns to give mental space (by not talking at each other all the time/ being autonomous) the lack of real physical space shouldn't be such an issue.

[nomnom_elf]

thanks for the reply guys. its become a big discussion for me and my OH as hes obviously stuck between me and our neighbour. Jeremy asked the other day if he could exchange our electric cooker (which my grandparents bought for me, so its mine and if i move out, it comes too) for a gas one. my SO said he'd speak to me, to which i outright said no. the kitchen is MINE, i don't want that rearranged as everthing else seems to be to accomodate him.

> i say the kitchen is mine as we decorated it and i love to cook etc. its my sanctury.
>> actually slightly peeved he suggested this since hes' not even moved in yet.

I do love the idea of the curtians - i might install some as i get the feeling a "living room" will be made of the space underneath the tier-bedroom.

a time frame hasn't been set- its a more general one, and i think my SO is hoping by the time my contract ends things will return to normal.

[Hyacinth]

lol. that IS cheeky, isn't it. i know you're saying it's more of a general time frame, but i'd monitor the situation closely. you don't wanna end up coming back to the flat and the dude's made himself super comfy. i mean... what's with the swapping the cooker. lol. what's he gonna suggest next? *rolls eyes*

[Black_Halloween]

Lol so its starting already. He's trying to turn it into a man's pad. I know you said you don't have a time limit but he's going to get too comfy if he doesn't have one.

[ThePiedPiper]

Lol so its starting already. He's trying to turn it into a man's pad. I know you said you don't have a time limit but he's going to get too comfy if he doesn't have one.

I agree with this here. I know your SO doesn't see why the time limit is necessary but sometimes these things don't "sort themselves" because people get comfortable. He needs to be told when he can stay, for how long, and what the terms are of his stay (for example: he does not get to decide the cookware). You don't want your place turned into a bachelor pad, so ground rules need to be set. One of the reasons friendships break up when rooming with people is because there aren't strict guidelines/rules to follow, so I'd work with your SO on coming up with fair terms and a time limit. This is highly unlikely to be the exception that sorts itself as soon as he finds a job; most people mooch.