Starting the Distance....

[butlerfly]

Where to begin?

Long story short.......

in a months time for boyfriend will start his months training to start work on a cruise ship. Once he has finished his training he will be gone for 9 months a time :-( In this time it will be very unlikely I will see him.

I am so scared. We both want it to work, If anyone can give any advice it will be greatly appreciated. Time is going way to fast and before I know it, it will be time for him to go.

When he goes we will have bee together for just under 2 years, but Our story starts 4 years ago.

I am so confused. I don't know what to make of his decision to go. I have so many mixed feelings.

We both work for the same company and both hate it. The company is really bad and just not going anywhere. So I am really happy he has found a way out, he can do so much better than the company. And I am really happy he has found something that he thinks he will enjoy.

Then on the flip side. I am angry, hurt, I feel so rejected. I feel as though I am just an option and now something better as come a long he is willing to just 'drop me'. I know that isn't the case but I can't help think that.

I am hurt he didn't speak to me about it. The 1st thing I heard about the job was when he told me he got it. He told me he didn't want to worry me in case he didn't get it because then I would have been worrying for no reason.

I am so scared of losing him and I just don't know how to cope with it. 9 months is a very long time. and a lot can happen from now until then. I am so scared he will forget me while he is gone.

I know he cares. I've cried about it, he cried about it. We both say we don't want to split up so it makes sense to stay together and try to make it work.

But I am so scared.

I want be angry with him for willing to just throw us away for something he might enjoy. but at the same time if I walk away then that will make me just as bad throwing us away without giving it a chance. I feel it is very much about him.

I'm just not ready to be without him. and I don't ever want to be ready to be without him.

[Hyacinth]

it's normal to feel angry now, in fact, it might take a while to get over these negative emotions. you have the right to feel this way.

but once your emotions and feelings have settled down a little and you are able to think more clearly and calmly, you'll see that you mentioned yourself, that the company you're currently in isn't going anywhere and he's found a way out to progress.

so my question is, is this new job something that will help you guys financially with your future? is this the main reason why he's accepted the job?

you guys have been together a long time, so you're obviously solid. keep that in mind.

what is it you're worried will happen in these 9 months of being apart??

[butlerfly]

We haven't talk about the future. and I think that's what makes it harder.

When it come to communication I do feel that is where we fall down. He says he loves and doesn't want us to split up so will try the distance, but at the same time I am lost to where I stand with him. If I knew that in years time he see's things like living together ect then I think it would be easier. I know I need to talk to him about it before he goes. find and what his future plans are and where I come in to them.

What worries?? That he will fall out of love with me, He has already gone travelling for year (before we were together but after we met. we stayed in contact the whole time he was away so I guess we have kind of already do it only difference this time we are together) and now he will go and see more of the world,experience more things, grow in his self so I worry that after that he will no longer want to be Sports Centre Receptionist who has got herself stuck in a rut.

But I am so confused. I know he loves I can tell, the little things. But at the same time I ask myself if he really loves why has he decided to leave.

The job is a personal Trainer something he could probably find here. So I think its the travel he is attracted to but I don't understand why its something we are not doing together. I don't understand why he couldn't have found a job at home then if he wanted to travel do it together. I don't understand if it was a need to get away why couldn't he have spoken to me about it and we find away to get away together.

We are both young he is 26 and I am 23 so we still have out whole life's ahead of us. I know that if this doesn't work out. Although it may hurt like hell it's not the end of the world and I will meet someone else. but the fact is right now in my mind I don't want anyone else and I can't ever see myself feeling this way about anyone else. I have never loved any one before and I am the 1st he has loved.... but how many people end up with the 1st person they ever loved.

I admit I am a little insecure which doesn't help either. My dad moved to Canada when I was 4 and I saw him just once a year.... I should be usd to it.

[Hyacinth]

we are all entitled to our insecurities, doubts/fears and questions. specially in a LDR. and you mention that you guys haven't discussed the future. so i reckon, the best thing to do, would be to meet up with the specific intention of discussing the future and your possibilities and where you are headed as a couple as well as individuals WITHIN the couple.

of course, this discussion should take place in a loving, friendly atmosphere, whilst remaining open to the other's feelings and suggestions but while still letting the other know what you want/expect of the relationship.

if at any point you feel the discussion is heading towards an argument or fight, then calmly suggest a time-out, thinking time, and then eventually coming back to the topic when you've both calmed down.

all that being said, is this a conversation that he will be willing to have?

all your issues will have to be dealt with prior to him leaving. you need to know where this is headed, it would just be wrong to be left in the dark about the status of your relationship and your future together.

communication is gonna be such a big deal once you guys go LD. if you think this is a weakness in your relationship, you guys will definitely have to work on this, starting now.

i know you explained in first post why he didn't tell you about applying for this job... but it doesn't feel right. even if he most probably did save you lots of time worrying and fretting. (i guess this proves your point regarding you guys needing to brush up on your communication)

your SO seems to enjoy travelling. which is absolutely fine. but i think after 4 years of being together, it's more than high time to dot the i's and cross the t's. you NEED to know where you stand with him before he leaves.

when is he leaving by the way?

oh and forget stereotypes (how many people end up with their first) and negative past experiences. this is YOUR story. at the end of the day, it's your love for each other and your desire to be together that will dictate your path as a couple.

[sewbama]

I made a similar decision to your SO. My SO and I lived together for a year while I got my master's degree. He is working on a PhD. I decided to try for a PhD, and got accepted to a school 200 miles away. We still see each other a lot, but I decided to do something that meant I would spend time away from my SO. This does NOT mean that I don't love my SO. I love him a lot. It was a really hard decision to make, but I know I'd have regretted it forever if I hadn't come here to try this out. I would have grown resentful toward my SO for being the reason I didn't try. So I came. It sucks, and I miss him a lot and he misses me. But I didn't decide to leave because I didn't love him. I decided to leave because if I didn't, I would hurt my relationship with him.

Your SO is probably the same. He wants to travel, take an opportunity to do something he enjoys. And if he didn't take that opportunity, he could grow to blame you for it, which would really hurt your relationship. Distance sucks, but it is possible. If he didn't love you, he would break up with you. It would be an easy decision, he wouldn't cry over it, wouldn't put in effort to make you happy. I am reasonably sure he is NOT rejecting you, nor does he feel like you are an "option". These are not feelings I ever had about my SO. I love him more all the time. The reasons we are at distance (all of us here) is not because our SOs don't love us enough to be close, it's that, for whatever reason, they can't. Even if that reason is just a good job opportunity to try something new. For me, it was pursuing my education. For your SO, it is to do a job he loves, which means travel.

Even if he is pursuing this to keep himself from resenting you for "grounding" him, you have to keep from resenting him for pursuing his own dreams and opportunities. How you do that, I don't know. I worry about my SO and that all the time. But he understands that I'm trying something to better myself and my life, as well as our life together. And he supports me in it.

You should talk to him about your worries. That really will help. And ask him why he didn't talk to you about it, or try to travel with you. Talking about your insecurities can really make you feel better about them.

[butlerfly]

Well a week to go. Till he starts his training... I still haven't spoken to him about things that I should. I don't know how to get on the subject and there never seems to be a right time. I don't think I will see him much during his last week. I'll be working and he will be busy sorting stuff out.

And I haven't seen him since Wednesday morning because I have been working and he went to see his friend this weekend in a different town.

I know I need to pull myself together but this is so damn hard... I feel totally lost without him around. and I can feel this sense of panic building up when I think about it...

[Irina_Linn]

i understand how you feel,and i also didnt see my SO for 10 months once.just try calming down,i am sure your bf cares deeply about you and wanna keep things going.if you dont wanna be without him,then stay same way such long time is really really hard but if you are truly willing to be together,you can do it! make a plan how to keep in touch with him for example and for the beginning.plus hopefully you can change job as well and will keep your mind around new things

[butlerfly]

What is on my mind as well is that 10 months is a long time not to have that kind of physical contact with someone. What have you done in this situation? Remained faithful or discussed the other option?

[bethyylovee]

As crazy as it sounds, I've never had physical contact with my SO. We've never met. But it's worked out. In a few short days we're meeting and I worry that it will be hard when he leaves again. But stay hopeful! If you both want it to work, it can and will work. It might not be easy, it will take some getting used to, but it is possible. Especially with the support of the people here.

Take things day by day. Remain faithful, and expect it in return. See how it goes before you give up.

Well wishes!