SO pushing open relationship

[Chris516]

My SO n' I have been in an LDR, since July 2007. Recently, She has been suggesting that, while she still loves me, she wants me to also find someone else. We haven't seen each other since the summer of 2011. A longtime(10 years) online friend of mine nearly died back in July. Since then, she has two health issues, I have had all my life. I didn't go out in August(SO's birthday is August 31st) because I wanted to hear if anything happened to my friend soon after her major surgery.

My SO has OCD, which is not a problem. But I do think she is obsessing over the distance, due to how much I miss her.

I just had to vent. But feedback is a plus.

[Zephii]

I don't see the connection between your SO wanting an open relationship and your friend being sick.

[artgrl808]

I don't see the connection between your SO wanting an open relationship and your friend being sick.

I'd have to agree with Zephii...

[Moon]

Wait...was your girlfriend ever a member here? I seem to recall someone a while ago complaining that her boyfriend refused to visit her because he was too worried about some sick online friend of his, does anyone else remember that? I'm pretty sure the general consensus wasn't too much in your favor, btw.

[XxFranticLovexX]

I remember some of your other posts about your SO and your friend.. how you 'love your SO' but have some form of feelings for your friend and not knowing what would happen if you didn't visit her. I agree with Zephii though.. I don't see the relation between the two.. unless you're either considering making the friend the other person or not visiting is why your SO is suggesting this. Maybe if you could clarify you would get better advice/responses.

I really don't see why your online friend being sick stopped you from visiting your SO though.. you can't physically be there for her anyway and could have easily given someone the information to contact you where you were going. I have had friends online for years and my SO is still priority over them even if I have known them longer.. this is a different topic though and I'm getting side tracked here.. sorry.

[Chris516]

Wait...was your girlfriend ever a member here? I seem to recall someone a while ago complaining that her boyfriend refused to visit her because he was too worried about some sick online friend of his, does anyone else remember that? I'm pretty sure the general consensus wasn't too much in your favor, btw.

If it is/was the case, I never refused to visit her. I asked to visit her in September instead.

I remember some of your other posts about your SO and your friend.. how you 'love your SO' but have some form of feelings for your friend and not knowing what would happen if you didn't visit her. I agree with Zephii though.. I don't see the relation between the two.. unless you're either considering making the friend the other person or not visiting is why your SO is suggesting this. Maybe if you could clarify you would get better advice/responses.

I really don't see why your online friend being sick stopped you from visiting your SO though.. you can't physically be there for her anyway and could have easily given someone the information to contact you where you were going. I have had friends online for years and my SO is still priority over them even if I have known them longer.. this is a different topic though and I'm getting side tracked here.. sorry.

Looking at my original post, you are right. I wasn't clear on the connection.

The connection is that, since August, my SO has been less communicative. At the same time, I have told her, that my online friend has been so busy with a recent move and other personal issues that, the online friend n' I have not communicated at all. My SO is suggesting it, because of her wanting me to be able to have physical touch. Not just the computer, phone, and snail mail.

You are also right that, I couldn't be there physically for my online friend. The key element in the stupid decision not to go out to visit with my SO, was that the online friend has two physical medical conditions I have had all my life. Even the online friend chided me about after she had recovered.

[XxFranticLovexX]

Looking at my original post, you are right. I wasn't clear on the connection.

The connection is that, since August, my SO has been less communicative. At the same time, I have told her, that my online friend has been so busy with a recent move and other personal issues that, the online friend n' I have not communicated at all. My SO is suggesting it, because of her wanting me to be able to have physical touch. Not just the computer, phone, and snail mail.

You are also right that, I couldn't be there physically for my online friend. The key element in the stupid decision not to go out to visit with my SO, was that the online friend has two physical medical conditions I have had all my life. Even the online friend chided me about after she had recovered.

She probably feels like you put your friend as priority over her, and rightfully so imo. She probably feels like she is basically competing with your friend for your attention.. even if you haven't talked to her since she has been busy. That is on her terms, not yours, and I am sure you would still be in communication with her just as much if she had the time. You seem to care about your friend more than your SO (going off other posts as well) and she probably senses that or feels the same. It is very clear from the things that you post here that your online 'friend' is number one for you out of the two, even if you don't realize it. Honestly, being with someone who prioritizes another man/woman over you will make anyone feel like crap. Do you realize how shitty it would feel to have your partner cancel a trip to see you on your birthday because a friend that doesn't even live near them is sick? That would honestly make me question a lot about my relationship, how he felt about me, how he felt about said friend, and not to mention make it seem like they are just making an excuse to cancel the visit. It probably made her feel like she wasn't as important to you as your friend and even if you offered to visit later it isn't the same because her birthday had already passed. You got her hopes up then let her down willingly. I would probably be rather crushed in that situation, honestly, and it would take me a while to get over it. She has probably guarded herself because of the situation to lessen the blow of potentially being hurt again, which is why she seems to be less communicative with you.

Is she wanting to find someone else as well or is she just offering the option to you? I really have no experience in the reasoning behind things like this but giving that information may help someone who does give you some input on it. I'm just guessing here, because again I have never been in the situation, but if she is wanting it on both ends then maybe she is wanting to find someone for herself. If she is just offering it to you then maybe she feels that you aren't satisfied with your relationship. Have you talked to her about it? How do you feel about the situation, do you want the open relationship?

See, this still makes no sense to me. What does the medical conditions that the two of you share have to do with determining if you visited your SO or not? I see that you realize it was a stupid decision, but I still don't get the reasoning behind it initially.

[Chris516]

She probably feels like you put your friend as priority over her, and rightfully so imo. She probably feels like she is basically competing with your friend for your attention.. even if you haven't talked to her since she has been busy. That is on her terms, not yours, and I am sure you would still be in communication with her just as much if she had the time. You seem to care about your friend more than your SO (going off other posts as well) and she probably senses that or feels the same. It is very clear from the things that you post here that your online 'friend' is number one for you out of the two, even if you don't realize it. Honestly, being with someone who prioritizes another man/woman over you will make anyone feel like crap. Do you realize how shitty it would feel to have your partner cancel a trip to see you on your birthday because a friend that doesn't even live near them is sick? That would honestly make me question a lot about my relationship, how he felt about me, how he felt about said friend, and not to mention make it seem like they are just making an excuse to cancel the visit. It probably made her feel like she wasn't as important to you as your friend and even if you offered to visit later it isn't the same because her birthday had already passed. I would probably be rather crushed in that situation, honestly, and it would take me a while to get over it. She has probably guarded herself because of the situation to lessen the blow of potentially being hurt again, which is why she seems to be less communicative with you.

While my friend didn't take priority over my SO yet, I can certainly understand how it was perceived that way. Competing for attention is a laugh. Prior to Apr.'12, I had not communicated with my online friend at all for six months, of my own choosing. Since Sept.'12, it has also been very seldom. Yes, She has been busy, but I have not been chomping at the bit to chat with her. During her recovery, she apologized for being so critical of me. But that apology didn't last long. Since then, I didn't try to contact her. I don't think I would be in communication with her as much. Because it feels like she backed away from her apology. I care immeasurably more, for my SO, than I do for my online friend. My online friend is not #1, never has been, never will be. But I do understand what you are saying, about my SO's feelings being crushed.

Is she wanting to find someone else as well or is she just offering the option to you? I really have no experience in the reasoning behind things like this but giving that information may help someone who does give you some input on it. I'm just guessing here, because again I have never been in the situation, but if she is wanting it on both ends then maybe she is wanting to find someone for herself. If she is just offering it to you then maybe she feels that you aren't satisfied with your relationship. Have you talked to her about it? How do you feel about the situation, do you want the open relationship?

If she is wanting to find someone else, I don't know it. But she is definitely offering me the option. Give yourself more credit. You have given good objective feedback. I have talked to her about it. I have reiterated how I feel about her, both on the phone, and in snail mail.

See, this still makes no sense to me. What does the medical conditions that the two of you share have to do with determining if you visited your SO or not? I see that you realize it was a stupid decision, but I still don't get the reasoning behind it initially.

Ok, The connection with my online friend having the same two medical conditions I have had all my life, is because I know what she 'might' have to go through. While technology has greatly progressed in the last forty years, since I had most of my major hospitilizations, I was just remembering all the stuff I had to go through back in the 1960's and 1970's. My online friend was there for me, when I was having trouble with my ex, since my online friend knew of and had a similar traumatic childhood. When her late fiance was killed in Iraq in 2004, I was emotionally there for her. So we have in some ways, been there for each other. Despite only knowing each other online.

But that doesn't come close to my commitment to my fiance.

[Kiyama]

Ok, The connection with my online friend having the same two medical conditions I have had all my life, is because I know what she 'might' have to go through. While technology has greatly progressed in the last forty years, since I had most of my major hospitilizations, I was just remembering all the stuff I had to go through back in the 1960's and 1970's. My online friend was there for me, when I was having trouble with my ex, since my online friend knew of and had a similar traumatic childhood. When her late fiance was killed in Iraq in 2004, I was emotionally there for her. So we have in some ways, been there for each other. Despite only knowing each other online.

I'm sorry but it seems like an excuse. You could have chatted to her sometimes while visiting your SO. I'm sure she would have understood but canceling a visit that is sure to cause trouble.

Honestly if my SO cancelled a visit because of some online friend he hadn't even spoken to forever, I don't even know if I could stay in a relationship with this person. You definitely chose someone as as your top priority there and that would get everybody worried.
Is it possible you got cold feet and your online friend was a welcome excuse to cancel the visit?

About the open relationship... Well I don't know. I can imagine she has some trust issues and I'd be worried about this suggestion.

[Black_Halloween]

Break up with her before you totally shatter her trust in people.

[Irina_Linn]

i think this suggestion means she also wants a physical touch...must admit: at some point of my LDR i also offered it to my SO because I was really just desperate.thats the only explanation i have

[MattDavies86]

If it's an online friend, then surely you can keep in touch wherever you go, over the internet, so why cancel? :s

[kteire]

Maybe your SO wants to find other people because you've already found someone other than her to have feelings for??
I would be furious with my SO if he had said he couldn't visit me to wait around for news of a friend who he lives nowhere near, and that he has had feelings for (I think I remember you saying your SO was aware of the relationship with this other woman?). You might think she's not being upset, but considering she's been distant since August and now wants to see other people, you have to see the connection there - maybe it wasn't your intention, but ANY woman in that situation would see that as you picking the friend over her, medical situation or no. If she was a friend who was in town and had no one else there, maybe I could get over it, but no, pushing back a visit for something that it wouldn't matter where you are is not ok in my books. I don't think it's a laugh that she is competing for your attention as FranticLove suggested, she probably felt this threatened your relationship and probably lost trust in you from it. I think you and your SO need to open up a dialogue about trust and why she wants to meet other people, physically or otherwise.

[Chris516]

i think this suggestion means she also wants a physical touch...must admit: at some point of my LDR i also offered it to my SO because I was really just desperate.thats the only explanation i have

Well, Let's suppose that is true. If she wants' physical touch, then why profer an open relationship? I don't do 'open' relationships. I can't mentally and emotionally divide myself like that.

[Chris516]

If it's an online friend, then surely you can keep in touch wherever you go, over the internet, so why cancel? :s

I could have.