Ever had that feeling...

[Secrecy]

...That you're just not good enough for your SO? 'Cause I'm having it right now.

It's so hard to believe that it's been over a year and a half since we've been together. Lately, I've been under a lot of stress due to family situations at home, as well as one bad thing after another seeming to hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm normally a pretty strong, independent person, but lately I've been needing someone to lean on so badly, and it seems to always be him. I've been crying and crying and crying around him, but I end up being frustrated with him because he is so bad at the comforting aspect, he just freezes up. And it's hard when he won't talk to you, even when you're talking to him. No response. And I've told him about this, but it seems to keep on happening. And this frustration ends up making it so I am less apt to try and rely on him, which is obviously not a good thing. But when I calm down and think about it... I start to feel like such a bad person! I feel like I am burdening him, especially bad lately, and I've seen the changes. I think it might be because of how stressful everything is right now, and I've been under a lot of pressure. It's making me act negatively and well, quite frankly, quite nagging at him. And dear God, I do want it to change.

Do you guys have any advice? He has been nothing but sweet towards me, and has never asked a single thing of me. Even if he can't comfort worth a poop, he just takes my crap if I end up snapping at him over it, and never gets mad. This stress is making me very distant from him, and I want it to stop. How can I make it better? I want to calm down and work on not nagging at him quite so badly.

[Mimmi]

Hello there!
I can say that I have been in a similar situation not long ago. I was just about to move to a new country (unfortunately not any closer to him) and was completely stressed out over this. Our summer together was going to an end as well, which brought on even further fears and tensions. So I found myself crying every day and felt guilty knowing that I should enjoy our final days together. He wasn't taking it so well either - similar to what you're describing here. But trust me, even though it sometimes scares them out that we're slightly too emotional and don't know how to react all the time, it doesn't mean you're nagging him and won't make him love you any less. In times like this, I also tend to think in these terms but I know that if I told him I thought he was too good for me, he would probably laugh at me so stay strong, deal with your emotions and stress the best you can and he will do his best too.
I wish you all best with everything!

[Zephii]

I've learnt that people don't know what we need unless we tell them. If there's something he needs to do or say to comfort you, tell him about it. (preferably not right at the time you need it most, of course) I know there's something great about someone just knowing what to do and it can feel like they don't care enough if they can't figure it out by themselves, but really it isn't like that at all.

Help him help you.

But don't feel bad for leaning on him. That's part of what relationships are about. (imo) Having another person that's almost a part of yourself, that can stand up -help you stand too - and will pick up the ball and keep playing for you if you drop it. Having someone who can and will step up to bat - someone who you trust enough that you can fall to pieces... you know? As long as when the time comes you're there when he falls down, make sure he knows (through your actions not just your words) he can rely on you to do the same if ever he's breaking apart.

My SO tells him that it makes him feel better when I acknowledge that I'm being difficult. Sometimes I treat him like shit, I can't seem to control it... but I always admit it and apologize and where possible I try to give him the tools to help me get a grip. So maybe this could work for you both too?

[LittleBox]

I've had moments like those too and I'm usually the headstrong one. Crying is a foreign sentiment to me and I tend to panic when I do cry because I don't quite know how to control it. Have you tried scribbling or doing something that you find soothing to channel those jitters away?

[Nbaby]

Reading this really hit me hard. Im going through the exact same thing now. I am very depressed so my thoughts are more negative than normal. He always gives me the idea im not good enough or that im not worth it. Whenever i try to express my feelings he just read it and then says nothing. Its like you said he just freezes up. Which frustrates me becuz it gives me the idea he doesnt care at all. Then at some point i just get mad at him for it. But shortly after that i feel guilty about it and actually apologize to him. I try to distant myself so badly but it is just hard to do it. In these hard times i need someone to lean on and he is the person i lean on to. I want it to stop becuz i dont want to depend on someone. I feel like this angry, complaining overly attached woman. Which is not who I am at all.

[Secrecy]

Thanks everyone for the replies!

Yeah, it's just been something weighing really heavily on my mind right now. The stuff that I'm going through is pretty big stuff (TMI at the moment) and he completely understands that and doesn't hold it against me if I start nagging or end up bawling ballistically on the other end. I was talking to him about it last night and he kept saying "it's okay, it's okay, it's okay." The distance I have been trying to put on all of this makes me feel like I'm not as close or don't love him as much anymore... Which is a bothersome feeling. Though, I've come to find myself still thinking about him constantly, and still getting stupidly excited when he calls me. Every. Single. Night. So I think it's just some rut I'm in.

As for him not being able to comfort me, we have talked about it before. He literally just freezes up and has no clue whatsoever what to say if I'm crying or something. It gets so bad that he can't even answer if I'm asking him something directly. He just gets really distressed. He says he has a hard time comforting people over the phone; it's like there's some kind of disconnect there. Which I can back up, because the couple times I've cried or have been distressed while visiting him, he took no hesitation in just wrapping his arms around me and asking me what's wrong and saying he loves me and all that jazz. I truly think he's just a person who comforts more in actions than words, so when we're back to being apart, and the phone is all we have, he gets lost on what to do because he can't use actions anymore.

I told him I don't really want any magical words from him if I'm crying or something. I told him I just want to hear him mostly... Just say reassuring things or anything, really. I told him his words and voice are the closest thing to a hug or being held that I can get right now; when he stays dead silent on the other end, it's like him refusing to hold me when I'm in distress. It just makes things that much worse because it's like, I may as well cry alone. His voice is comforting to me. It's why I just don't get sick of talking to him every night, even during the times we don't have a lot to say. But even after I tell him this, he still freezes up. I just don't know how more simply to put it that I don't want him to say anything extravagant or sweep me off my feet with his words or something.

And it just leads me to feel like I'm just putting unnecessary strain on him over and over again. And that's why I feel like such a bad person, and have been trying to distance myself. But it doesn't work, and I don't think he wants me to distance myself. He keeps telling me I need to stop bottling up emotions (I am notorious for being that person), and when I told him that maybe I should just stop crying or anything around him anymore, he seemed really distressed about the idea. It's all just a problem about me right now not wanting to hurt him, when he clearly wants me to depend on him. I'm just trying to get over the notion that even if he's uncomfortable with a situation, he genuinely wants to help me.

I'm just having a hard time doing that right now.