He won't discuss the future...
Thanks to everyone who replied to my last post about my overwhelming efforts and my SO's lack thereof. I discussed things with him, pulled back some, and since then he has done almost a complete 180! In fact, he's talked to me about my will and wanting my son if anything happens to me (I won't do this bc we aren't married but it's still a nice gesture), asked for my help in handling a very personal matter for him, his family and I are in regular contact (mom & sister), and after my 12/28-1/1 visit to FL he came up to see me on 1/4-1/13 (IL). He became injured while I was there for my visit, so since he couldn't train he came up to see my son and me. It was amazing! We had two weeks together when it's all combined but we don't know when we'll see each other next with him playing for a new team, in February-June (WA). During his stay I caught him staring at me during our date night at the theater, which happened to be our last night together. I asked later why he stared and he said it's because I looked so beautiful he wanted to take me in.
But... while he was "home" with us I saw that story about Junior (deceased NFL player) having CET and how I worried that if he keeps doing football, would these be things I'd have to be concerned for in terms of my future? He made a comment about how we're not there yet so he wasn't sure why I make it sounds like we're already married. I cried and he consoled me but just said in the 6-year relationship he had that ended with his ex cheating on him at year 4 (international LDR), he doesn't like to plan for the future like that. He said he did all of that with her and it didn't turn out and that it changes people anyway. He said he wants a more mature love this time so he wants to take it day-by-day and let things progress naturally. I told him that I worry maybe I'm not doing enough or the right things which make him feel this way. He's very open and honest so he asked me if I think I'm doing my best. I told him I was and he said that maybe I need to not assume it has anything to do with me... Not sure what that means but I know in the past, before we became an official couple, he told me he never wants to rush into anything without having stability. He said he wants to also reach his goal of making NFL before he does anything else so he can provide for his family, and to cut the chance of divorce down by having financial security.
On the flipside, I've read online that LDR's need some hope of the future for them to work but I'm not getting that. I've done a great job though of no longer bringing it up or saying anything to prompt the uncomfortable discussion. One thing I can mention though, after our discussion I told him I know we're not married and to please not take this the wrong way but I wanted to know his position if we did make it to that level and his intentions with my son. I was curious about adoption and his last name. He said he would definitely adopt him which shouldn't have been a question since he's already expressed an interest in him now, and he'd want him to have his last name so he fits in. He said he'll already look different than if we have children so he wants him to feel part of us.
My mom said he wouldn't have committed to me in a serious LDR if he didn't want to see me long-term. She said I'm a single mom and he's a football player who was certain he'd never be with anyone, except casually, again until he made the NFL but somehow he found himself committing to me. One final thing she said is my SO never says anything he isn't sure about, so the fact he had an answer about my son's future with him (adoption/last name change) means he's thought about it. He says he loves me and feels a need to protect me and my son but again... with no talk of the future it's scary. I don't want to waste a ton of my life or time because my goal is to have a family and more children. I already spent 10 years with someone I never should've married (married for 5 years of that - I was young). The harder part is now that he has had another recent injury he may not be going to these other workouts during his season to get seen, and now just hoping he makes NFL by performing great with this team. Well he's going to be 29 this December (just turned 28) and I really hope that this is his last year if he doesn't make it, but on the other hand he always talks about how we only have one life and to do something big.
Would you agree that at one year of knowing each other (May 2013 - 3.5 months away) and he sounds like he's not getting pulled up, not looking for a regular job, and we aren't discussing the future that I need to reconsider?
I know he wants to make a lot of money to not worry about money troubles but I think if he doesn't make NFL this year, it would be a big sign of how he really feels about us if he doesn't look for a regular job... unless I just see how it goes after he's 30 but by that time I'll be 28 and I'd like to plan for another baby before I'm 30.
This also creates a pain because I asked if he'd come back to stay with us for a few months, but he talks like he will be in NFL camp. Fine. That's good... But he said, if he weren't in camp and I wanted him to stay, we might as well be married if we are going to share finances and a household. I don't think he was telling me he will marry me but just that we aren't going to just live together without being married. He said there's no point. I mention that because I don't know I want to keep spending the crazy amounts to visit when this whole thing is all because of him and his goal, that we could be living together but he has to do this first. I'm cool with that, VERY SUPPORTIVE, but again, just wondering how long really is too long.
*Side note, my son will be 3 in April and his bio dad has never seen him so he's not a factor.*
But... while he was "home" with us I saw that story about Junior (deceased NFL player) having CET and how I worried that if he keeps doing football, would these be things I'd have to be concerned for in terms of my future? He made a comment about how we're not there yet so he wasn't sure why I make it sounds like we're already married. I cried and he consoled me but just said in the 6-year relationship he had that ended with his ex cheating on him at year 4 (international LDR), he doesn't like to plan for the future like that. He said he did all of that with her and it didn't turn out and that it changes people anyway. He said he wants a more mature love this time so he wants to take it day-by-day and let things progress naturally. I told him that I worry maybe I'm not doing enough or the right things which make him feel this way. He's very open and honest so he asked me if I think I'm doing my best. I told him I was and he said that maybe I need to not assume it has anything to do with me... Not sure what that means but I know in the past, before we became an official couple, he told me he never wants to rush into anything without having stability. He said he wants to also reach his goal of making NFL before he does anything else so he can provide for his family, and to cut the chance of divorce down by having financial security.
On the flipside, I've read online that LDR's need some hope of the future for them to work but I'm not getting that. I've done a great job though of no longer bringing it up or saying anything to prompt the uncomfortable discussion. One thing I can mention though, after our discussion I told him I know we're not married and to please not take this the wrong way but I wanted to know his position if we did make it to that level and his intentions with my son. I was curious about adoption and his last name. He said he would definitely adopt him which shouldn't have been a question since he's already expressed an interest in him now, and he'd want him to have his last name so he fits in. He said he'll already look different than if we have children so he wants him to feel part of us.
My mom said he wouldn't have committed to me in a serious LDR if he didn't want to see me long-term. She said I'm a single mom and he's a football player who was certain he'd never be with anyone, except casually, again until he made the NFL but somehow he found himself committing to me. One final thing she said is my SO never says anything he isn't sure about, so the fact he had an answer about my son's future with him (adoption/last name change) means he's thought about it. He says he loves me and feels a need to protect me and my son but again... with no talk of the future it's scary. I don't want to waste a ton of my life or time because my goal is to have a family and more children. I already spent 10 years with someone I never should've married (married for 5 years of that - I was young). The harder part is now that he has had another recent injury he may not be going to these other workouts during his season to get seen, and now just hoping he makes NFL by performing great with this team. Well he's going to be 29 this December (just turned 28) and I really hope that this is his last year if he doesn't make it, but on the other hand he always talks about how we only have one life and to do something big.
Would you agree that at one year of knowing each other (May 2013 - 3.5 months away) and he sounds like he's not getting pulled up, not looking for a regular job, and we aren't discussing the future that I need to reconsider?
I know he wants to make a lot of money to not worry about money troubles but I think if he doesn't make NFL this year, it would be a big sign of how he really feels about us if he doesn't look for a regular job... unless I just see how it goes after he's 30 but by that time I'll be 28 and I'd like to plan for another baby before I'm 30.
This also creates a pain because I asked if he'd come back to stay with us for a few months, but he talks like he will be in NFL camp. Fine. That's good... But he said, if he weren't in camp and I wanted him to stay, we might as well be married if we are going to share finances and a household. I don't think he was telling me he will marry me but just that we aren't going to just live together without being married. He said there's no point. I mention that because I don't know I want to keep spending the crazy amounts to visit when this whole thing is all because of him and his goal, that we could be living together but he has to do this first. I'm cool with that, VERY SUPPORTIVE, but again, just wondering how long really is too long.
*Side note, my son will be 3 in April and his bio dad has never seen him so he's not a factor.*
Comment