Not willing to make a committed effort

[loneliestgirl]

My SO of 5 years was offered a new position at work that would require him to travel non-stop for a minimum of 6 months to a maximum of indefinitely. After finding out the details, realistically, he would only be home one day a month (maybe) which I would have to share or take a back seat to him spending time with his family. So potentially, I would never see him until the job tells him he doesn't have to travel anymore or he resigns. He told me that whether he accepts the job depends on how it would affect the relationship and me personally. He doesn't want me to hurt.

I am trying to be supportive of his career goals but I have major concerns. I have struggled so much with this news for the past week that I haven't slept, cried a lot when I am alone, and feel ill. I have racked my brain trying to come to some sense of okayness if he should accept the position. It's a good job offer but not an amazing, one that cannot be turned down one.

Our relationship has already suffered a couple of major challenges in the past, the most recent one about a month ago which the relationship is still recovering from and I am still trying to process and fully heal from. I have asked him what commitments he is willing to make to me in regards to communication, effort and end date. He didn't say much. He said he would try to fly out for a weekend here or there but cannot suggest or commit to any kind of schedule or frequency. He wont even tell me he will make sure to talk to me everyday on the phone. I get a wishy washy answer of "I will try to try talk to you." I will try to maybe do X. I get the impression that his effort will me lackluster at best from these conversations and it will be all me trying to keep up communication and waiting for the phone to ring. His past communication efforts right have been less than ideal but since we are able to see each other it has minimal impact. In a LDR, it wouldn't work.



All the compromising is on my part and none on his with the picture he is painting. All I want is some kind of committed effort or an expressed commitment to our future. I need to have some type of security since whatever short term or long term benefits there are to this job will exclusively be for him. We are not engaged and he hasn't even given me a hint that is what we are working toward ultimately. And I don't think he would even tell if it is because that just isn't his communication style at this point. He is very verbally reserved when it comes to sincere feelings and sentiments. I am starting to come to the conclusion that I wouldn't be able to give my blessing to the job. I just don't see how we would survive it without serious damage and hurt given what he has told me and his version of compromise. Am I being selfish or unreasonable?

[Black_Halloween]

"He said he would try to fly out for a weekend here or there but cannot suggest or commit to any kind of schedule or frequency. He wont even tell me he will make sure to talk to me everyday on the phone."

Maybe he can't tell you that he can promise visits because he simply won't know what his schedule will be like? From the sounds of it, it seems to be a really hectic job that he's considering. As far are calls goes, I don't think its too much to ask for a call goodnight or even a short e-mail once a day.

[loneliestgirl]

It will be a very hectic job. One that by nature will not leave any room for anything else but work unless you force some room to happen.

I completely understand that he ability to visit will be affected by his schedule. I am more upset by his attitude in addressing that situation. He won't even say it will depend on the schedule. He responded by saying that maybe he will try but his tone and demeanor didn't show that it even mattered to him one way or another. Like I said before, communication is not an ability he has worked on. Often, he has kept vital information from me or made a joke instead of actually telling me a straight answer and then become angry at me if I said anything or reacted to something in a way that didn't take the missing information into consideration.

Since the last post, we had another conversation and he flat out told me that I shouldn't be upset about anything because I am not the one who will be affected in any negative way by a LDR except for missing him from time to time. I can just watch a DVD and that should be enough. I don't know if he is naive or in denial. All I know is I feel worse and less hopeful that before that there would be a chance that we would be ok or that even I would be ok and not end up hating him.

He has experienced a LDR as an observer and seen the hurt that both people went through. His father traveled a lot when he was younger and left his mother by herself to raise him and his siblings essentially alone. He was too young to remember the emotions or really understand the toll it took back them. Recently his father has to move again for 3 years and his mother again trying to keep the household together and shouldered a lot of burdens. This time around he was deeply aware how much hurt his parents were experiencing. His mother confided in me at one point near the 3 year mark how hard it has been and exactly how much of a toll it was taking on her and she was breaking and her marriage was about to break apart. Her health was an issue and because she had to keep everything running she either felt wrong telling anyone or she just had no choice but to wait and pray she didn't get worse until the father came home. The only thing I could offer was an ear to hear her pain. None of her children know of this because that is just not something she would put on their shoulders. And I wouldn't tell her son, not even now.

I have thought back on that conversation a lot in the past few days. Ultimately, I don't want the kind of agony and want to mitigate damages as much as possible and have a good plan in place. I don't know where to go from here. I honestly don't know how to express this in a way he will understand that it's not just about him and my needs in this situation should it come to fruition are important. I don't want to it come down to walking about of his life in order for him to have an ah hah moment because at that point I wouldn't have anything left over.

[MattDavies86]

To be honest you should tell him the truth and how you feel that your worried, haven't slept, it's making you feel unwell tell him the through. The situation seems difficult and doesn't leave room for anything else, it's the job or you at the moment, or so it seems, and what's the point of a good job with good money if you don't have anyone to come home to or spend that money on or with?

[Kiyama]

I want to throw in two things here.

Firstly, his parents experienced ldrs as something bad and something you suffer from. But there are many examples that show it can work. Even long term.
I can tell you a little story about my parents. My dad's job was 400 km away from his hometown. Form the start of their relationship they only saw each other at weekends and even when me and my brother came, it stayed that way. My mum was happy in our hometown and my dad didn't want to move either so every Monday he got on a plane, stayed in a hotel for the week and flew back home on Friday. He did this until he retired and my parents were both fine with it. For us children it was also normal. My parents are very close and very affectionate and they were ok with being ld for part of the week because they knew they were meant for each other. They are such a strong couple with a lot of trust and love for each other and they wouldn't let the distance affect that.

Secondly, I sorry to say that it doesn't sound as if your SO is fully in it. He doesn't seem to compromise the slightest. You are so unhappy now so do you think he can and will change? It doesn't look like it. If he's so unwilling now then I don't know why he would in the future and then you're in for more unhappiness. I don't know your situation fully so maybe I'm missing some points here but that's just an impression from me as an objective outsider and from what I can read from your posts.

[kacie]

It seems like you need to talk about your future, you say the job could be indefinitely, so what would that mean to you about closing the distance or future plans, marriage, children etc. Maybe he needs time to settle into the job before knowing how the communication will work, but talk to him, see if he can mail you a letter or postcard every week, so you receive something physical from him, as well as the normal emails, texts and calls, maybe try to make a routine of a text first thing in the morning as he's having breakfast or something.

[Rugger]

I can't blame him for taking a good job when it was offered to him. Good jibs are extremely hard to come by these days and I can't say I wouldn't do the same thing. As much as we don't like to admit it, money is the blood of our lives. You can't do anything without it. I love my job and honestly, i can't say whether I would pick my SO over it. I love him to pieces, but this is the rest of my life here, which he may or may not be apart of.

I'm going to be blunt with you, either you can take in or you can't. You can't ask him to give up his job for you, because then he'll resent you forever. If you can't take it, you need to tell him and end the relationship. It's not fair to either of you: you to be freaking out over and him to have to worry about you freaking out when he should be worrying about his job. This is one of those situations where it doesn't look like there can be compromise. He can't take half the job and you can't ask him NOT to spend time with his family ( it would be completely uncalled for

You either you can take it or you can't. You need to be honest with him and with yourself.

[digitalfever]

I might get hated on for this but I really think his career is important. I think taking this job is important (even if for a year or two) to his resume. In any sector taking on the "hard" stuff is admirable and will show dedication to his career.
Plus, if the money is good then I can't see a reason not too.

I think you need to decide if you can live with this career choice and I'd this is the type of relationship you want to be apart of. His non-committal statements won't get any better in fact they may get worst because he'll be in a situation where he can't make very many commitments.

[Malaga]

It seems like you need to talk about your future, you say the job could be indefinitely, so what would that mean to you about closing the distance or future plans, marriage, children etc.

I think this comment is spot on. You need to have a heart to heart conversation about your priorities. If you've been together for 5 years and he's willing to accept a job that would keep you apart indefinitely, then unfortunately that says a lot about his plans for the future with you. But maybe he doesn't see it from that perspective - you need to talk to him.

I don't think this is just up to you to take it or leave it, as some comments suggest. If you want to make it work, you two need to make a realistic plan about how long is this going to last. If he's unwilling to budge there, then why should you just take it as it is and still continue the relationship when it's pretty low on his list of priorities? There is two of you in the relationship and you're both important. He doesn't get to call the shots and he doesn't have the exclusive right to have his needs met. You shouldn't just duck out of the way of his ambition with no stipulations. You have every right to feel the needs that you do, they're very realistic and if he can't accommodate them through a plan, then just don't even bother with him anymore.