I don't think he's over his ex :/

[louise127]

I've been with my man for 6 months now, haven't met him yet but I will be either this week or the week after, but now I am unsure. He was with his ex for 6 years so I understand that there will always be some feelings there because of how long they were together, but I think it might be more than that. She was abusive towards him and as he says, she completely broke him and he went through a very bad stage of depression whilst with her. She was very controlling and treated him like crap. He met up with her 2 months into our relationship and we nearly broke up over it. I'm not saying I don't trust him, I don't trust her. My argument was why the hell would you even want to give her the time of day if she treated you that badly, but he says they were good friends before their relationship so that's why. I have always thought from the beginning that he wasn't over her but I was never brave enough to say. We had quite a big argument a few weeks ago and I found out a few days ago that an hour after our argument he went out shopping with her. I was really upset he didn't tell me straight away and it annoys me that while he was out with her we could have been resolving our own issues. I don't know if i'm over thinking everything but because I don't get to see him i'm quite upset, probably just jealous, that I cant go out and do things with my boyfriend but someone who treated him so bad can? I don't know if i'm being silly but I just had to let it out any advice much appreciated xx

[Moon]

I'm not saying I don't trust him, I don't trust her.

Actually, that's exactly what you're saying. Trusting him, but not her, makers no sense, and it kinda is a way of saying the trust isn't there. Regardless of what she might try, it says you don't trust him to have self-control of himself. You mentioned they were together 6 years and good friends before that, so I'm assuming he's quite a bit older than you? You need to have a calm, rational discussion with him about what she means in his life, and if he might not be over her, and if he is, let him know it bothers you how much they hang out. It's not up to you to decide who he can be friends with, or why, but you do need to decide if his friendship with her is acceptable, and if it's not, you may need to prepare to move on.

[Tooki]

I agree with Moon. If you honestly trusted your SO, you would be fine with him within this situation.

[rubydissolution]

I agree with the others. But there is also something else, you mentioned he hung out with her and hid it from you and the last time they did something similar it caused a huge fight. Perhaps the reason he hid it from you this second time is because he wanted to avoid the fight that would ensue if he even asked you if it was ok. I'm not saying hiding it was the right thing, but I think you have to make yourself approachable to this subject. If he wants to rebuild a friendship with her, that's his choice and you either trust him or you make him choose between you and her. Those kind of ultimatums never end well, especially considering his history with her. I'm friends with a couple of my exes, one of my best guy friends is an ex i've been friends with for well over 6 years now. My LDR ex was not ok with us being friends, so whenever we would hang out, it started a fight, so I started hiding it from him. But those hang outs decreased a lot and I got really sad because I had lost one of my best friends. When ex and I split, I resumed my friendship, and my current SO is completely supportive of the friendship and actually loves this same Ex. So like I said, you are either ok with it or ur not, but try to understand how your actions are going to impact him in this situation. Try to understand and trust him.

[ThePiedPiper]

I agree with ruby. I had an issue with my ex not telling me things about his ex, but it wasn't until I stepped back from the situation that I realised I was the one making an issue where the issue didn't need to exist. I was the one causing tension by getting upset, and he was doing his best to avoid the conflict. I'm not sure if the argument was over his ex or wasn't, but it sounds like the argument you did have over her when he "met up with her" (and by this I'm going to assume he simply hung out with her...) led to nearly ending the relationship, which, as much as I'm not trying to place the blame on you, isn't creating a safe and open environment for him. Think about it, if you and your SO almost broke up because you told him you liked vanilla ice cream, would you be jumping at the chance to tell him next time you got an ice cream sundae with vanilla flavour? Probably not. Though omitting information is not always the best course of action, sometimes people feel like it's the only course of action they can take unless they want to have their heads bitten off; most people I know would do what they could to avoid being chewed out versus being completely honest at the consequence of a big argument/near break-up. So having been on your end of things, I can say that once you make things an open/safe environment, you'll find that he feels a lot more comfortable being safe and honest about things and that you were acting irrationally and not out of an open heart space.

As for why he wants to be friends with her, I'm not sure. I questioned that with my ex as well, who wanted his ex in his life when she treated him horribly. She cheated on him, she used him, and she was more fair-weathered than most, but he thought that maybe she had changed and he was going through a vulnerable time (his mother had just passed) so perhaps he invited her back in based on comfort and familiarity. He claims that he stopped speaking to her a few months later, but in hindsight, I'm not sure he ever did. Still, it was something I couldn't understand because I, too, have been in horrible relationships and am no longer friends with my exes. I can't be. It's simply not something I do, so I didn't understand where he was coming from even when he explained it to me. The thing is, I didn't need to understand. It was a decision he was making, and as his girlfriend, I had to either live with it or not live with it. There was no in between; it was either do or don't. I also had to be honest with myself. I didn't trust her, no, but the only reason I didn't trust her was because I didn't trust him in that context. He was vulnerable, she was familiar and she's very manipulative, and I worried that because he was vulnerable, he would give into that. He had also been hung-up on her for a while during our friendship. I didn't trust him around her, even though I trusted him in every other context, and I had to be honest with myself about that. You do also. Trusting him would mean knowing he's not going to give into her even if she makes the first move. Trusting her isn't important, because no matter what she does, if he's faithful to you, he'll put her in her place and keep her there. Trusting him is what you need to learn in this instance, because it honestly sounds like he's not interested in letting her go anytime soon. Maybe it's due to not being over her, maybe it's due to the fact some people are better friends than exes, or maybe it's due to some other reason. Have you asked him to explain their friendship to you so that you can understand it, in exchange for working on not getting so blinded by rage and jealousy and upset?