HE WASNT REAL - URGENT ADVICE
Hey everyone, so I signed up to this site today because I used to frequent it during an international LDR that I was in for about 12+ months, and ended in January 2012. It was extremely messy and emotionally abusive, and after a huge struggle I managed to leave for my own mental health. I've come across a huge dilemma and I need some very serious advice.
Some background info: (I'm sorry its so long, but its the best way to properly understand the situation)
Throughout the entire relationship there were lots of things that didn't QUITE add up, he would talk about things and then days, weeks, months later his stories would change, but he always convinced me that I misheard, misunderstood, and I was so deeply involved emotionally that I made myself believe him. There were many plans to meet up, he was supposed to travel to me (he had previously been in a relationship with another girl in the same country as me, and never managed to see her either), but plans were always cancelled last minute. Visas apparently came late, family problems, money problems and whatever else. Eventually I made the choice to go to see him first, I saved up for a year and had very little money to spend on anything but food and bills, everything else went to the plane tickets and the trip I was supposed to take. I even got a horrible job that I hated in order to pay for everything I needed.
When the time finally came that I was ready to go, (about two weeks prior to my flight) apparently his mother got sick. Lung Cancer. It came on so suddenly (more suddenly than was even realistic) and he seemed to genuinely distraught by it, I believed him and I stood by him and comforted him. Eventually he told me that I couldn't come, things were too messy over there. I was completely heartbroken, this was the 4th time that we had planned to meet and it was going to be cancelled again, after I had spent an entire year working so hard. I tried as hard as I could to change his mind, but he refused to let me come, once again the trip was postponed until what was planned to be early 2012.
Come January I had almost every one of my friends telling me to leave, he was horribly emotionally abusive and had been the entire relationship, I was made to think everything was my fault, I wasn't allowed to talk to other men and if I did I would be yelled at and reduced to tears, he wanted to check my emails and facebooks, and so much more than I care to talk about here. Eventually I got the strength to leave.
naturally he took it very badly. I kept him on my facebook for a few weeks and tried to remain friends, but he would constantly hassle me to tell him everything ive been doing, who ive been talking to etc, exactly like he always had. After many arguments I told him I no longer wanted to speak to him and I blocked and deleted him from every online profile.
That didnt stop him.
I spent about two months after that dodging emails, texts and calls. He would call me several times a day, every day. I'd wake up to voicemails of him crying, and he even made a new profile on facebook to stalk me and see who I was talking to. He checked my tumblr blog daily, and I'd get angry messages if I spoke to someone he didnt like, despite never actually responding to him. I also continued to receive letters which I never opened. Eventually everything died down, and for most of this year I've been free from him.
Now as I have managed to get my head around things, I can look back and see how very abusive and unhealthy everything was. I couldnt see it at the time because I was so blinded by how badly I wanted it to be real, but the more I thought about it, the more confused I became by everything, so many things did NOT add up, at all. I've been so emotionally drained by this entire ordeal, its really screwed me up, and I had to have answers because I knew that he was not being honest about everything. - So, I hacked his email.
I found out that he was not who I thought he was, completely different name, different family, different life completely. I had been 100 percent lied to. So had many other girls. I found older accounts he had made with his real self, all the photos I had seen of him were of some other unknown person. My brain is completely scrambled by the amount I have to take in right now.
I found out that at the same time as me, he was seeing another girl under the same alias. I read emails between them, youtube video messages she had made for him, saying how happy she is and how she cant wait for him to come to her in April. This was the exact same time as he was seeing me.
So now my current dilemma:
Via her email I have found the facebook page of the other girl. I also know of two other girls he has been with in the past, who he online dated before me, at a time where the two of us were just friends. Its been well over a year now, do I tell them the truth? I don't know if I should
The one he was seeing at the same time as me has obviously moved on and is dating someone else, she seems happy and I don't know if its worth telling her when he is not a part of her life anymore anyway. I know that the obvious thing to ask myself is "what would I want if I was in her position?" but to be entirely honest, this discovery has hurt me so much after the breakup was ALREADY horrible and scary and mentally damaging, I almost wish I didnt find out that he was fake. What should I do?
I also have the email/facebook details of his father (who I was told was dead!) and I am also tempted to message him and make him aware of what his son has been doing to people.
Please give me advice, I am so confused and hurt, at first i wanted to just pretend the entire thing never happened, but what if he does it to someone else? Someone help
Some background info: (I'm sorry its so long, but its the best way to properly understand the situation)
Throughout the entire relationship there were lots of things that didn't QUITE add up, he would talk about things and then days, weeks, months later his stories would change, but he always convinced me that I misheard, misunderstood, and I was so deeply involved emotionally that I made myself believe him. There were many plans to meet up, he was supposed to travel to me (he had previously been in a relationship with another girl in the same country as me, and never managed to see her either), but plans were always cancelled last minute. Visas apparently came late, family problems, money problems and whatever else. Eventually I made the choice to go to see him first, I saved up for a year and had very little money to spend on anything but food and bills, everything else went to the plane tickets and the trip I was supposed to take. I even got a horrible job that I hated in order to pay for everything I needed.
When the time finally came that I was ready to go, (about two weeks prior to my flight) apparently his mother got sick. Lung Cancer. It came on so suddenly (more suddenly than was even realistic) and he seemed to genuinely distraught by it, I believed him and I stood by him and comforted him. Eventually he told me that I couldn't come, things were too messy over there. I was completely heartbroken, this was the 4th time that we had planned to meet and it was going to be cancelled again, after I had spent an entire year working so hard. I tried as hard as I could to change his mind, but he refused to let me come, once again the trip was postponed until what was planned to be early 2012.
Come January I had almost every one of my friends telling me to leave, he was horribly emotionally abusive and had been the entire relationship, I was made to think everything was my fault, I wasn't allowed to talk to other men and if I did I would be yelled at and reduced to tears, he wanted to check my emails and facebooks, and so much more than I care to talk about here. Eventually I got the strength to leave.
naturally he took it very badly. I kept him on my facebook for a few weeks and tried to remain friends, but he would constantly hassle me to tell him everything ive been doing, who ive been talking to etc, exactly like he always had. After many arguments I told him I no longer wanted to speak to him and I blocked and deleted him from every online profile.
That didnt stop him.
I spent about two months after that dodging emails, texts and calls. He would call me several times a day, every day. I'd wake up to voicemails of him crying, and he even made a new profile on facebook to stalk me and see who I was talking to. He checked my tumblr blog daily, and I'd get angry messages if I spoke to someone he didnt like, despite never actually responding to him. I also continued to receive letters which I never opened. Eventually everything died down, and for most of this year I've been free from him.
Now as I have managed to get my head around things, I can look back and see how very abusive and unhealthy everything was. I couldnt see it at the time because I was so blinded by how badly I wanted it to be real, but the more I thought about it, the more confused I became by everything, so many things did NOT add up, at all. I've been so emotionally drained by this entire ordeal, its really screwed me up, and I had to have answers because I knew that he was not being honest about everything. - So, I hacked his email.
I found out that he was not who I thought he was, completely different name, different family, different life completely. I had been 100 percent lied to. So had many other girls. I found older accounts he had made with his real self, all the photos I had seen of him were of some other unknown person. My brain is completely scrambled by the amount I have to take in right now.
I found out that at the same time as me, he was seeing another girl under the same alias. I read emails between them, youtube video messages she had made for him, saying how happy she is and how she cant wait for him to come to her in April. This was the exact same time as he was seeing me.
So now my current dilemma:
Via her email I have found the facebook page of the other girl. I also know of two other girls he has been with in the past, who he online dated before me, at a time where the two of us were just friends. Its been well over a year now, do I tell them the truth? I don't know if I should
The one he was seeing at the same time as me has obviously moved on and is dating someone else, she seems happy and I don't know if its worth telling her when he is not a part of her life anymore anyway. I know that the obvious thing to ask myself is "what would I want if I was in her position?" but to be entirely honest, this discovery has hurt me so much after the breakup was ALREADY horrible and scary and mentally damaging, I almost wish I didnt find out that he was fake. What should I do?
I also have the email/facebook details of his father (who I was told was dead!) and I am also tempted to message him and make him aware of what his son has been doing to people.
Please give me advice, I am so confused and hurt, at first i wanted to just pretend the entire thing never happened, but what if he does it to someone else? Someone help
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