New development - Is there hope?

[chibij14]

New development… Not sure what to think. So I have been fairly strong through this whole break up, still haven’t heard from my ex-SO but this is what happened yesterday. His mom texted to tell me how much I’m loved and valued and that she is praying for me. I wrote her a long text about how I was truly feeling from rejection, to the fact that he doesn’t truly love us, and that I find myself feeling angry toward him. She called me shortly after to discuss (I love her!)… She said:

1. He told her I blocked him from Facebook and he can’t see anything, so he’s really worried about us. He’s asked his mom and sister to please stay in touch with me to see how things are going. I told his mom that I did NOT block him from Facebook. I simply deactivated it because I didn’t want to be tempted to look at his profile and be hurt if I see something I’m not ready to see.

2. He told his mom that he does love us and care for us very much and he has never met anyone like me before since the woman he almost married, back when he was in his early 20’s. (The international LDR with the woman who cheated on him.) He told her that I’m pure hearted and said many other nice things about me and my character.

3. He has been talking to his family about the situation. His mom and sister were talking about all of this the other night and his sister did something tremendous. She began to cry and told him that he’s mean and she doesn’t know when he became this person. She told him that she has walked past his room before when he’s on the phone with me and it hurts her the way he talks to me. His mom said he started to cry but she didn’t want him to feel attacked so she chimed in and just said he needs to get back with God because he’s not this person he’s become.

4. He is still conflicted. His mom told me she doesn’t know what is going on in his head in terms of us, meaning she isn’t sure what he’s going to do, but she knows he is having a lot of guilt between it all. He wants to pursue his dream because we’re all thinking he may have FINALLY realized he is going to just try this ONE LAST YEAR. If he doesn’t make it, I think we’re all getting the feeling that he is done so this year is huge for him. Therefore, he may make the decision to go it alone with just me having contact with his family.

The problem I’m faced with is… His mom told me that she doesn’t want me to get hurt though and she feels very protective of me. She even told him this! She said to my ex-SO, her son, that she sees herself in me. She feels like she is reliving her life through me because we truly have some weird similarities in our stories, like meeting a biological parent age 25, we look somewhat similar, just overall similar backgrounds. It’s creepy. Hell, I even share his sister’s birthday to make it even weirder. Yeah… I believe in fate so to me all of this stuff is like SCREAMING that it’s meant to be and he will come around. His mom though does NOT want me waiting around or to contact him. She said that I need to start working on myself, my son, MY LIFE so that no matter what happens I’ll be stronger. She is right… But does anyone see hope in all of this? I want to point out too, in case everyone’s confused, the reason he wanted the break up is to solely focus on his football. No more worrying if I’m happy or if he’s calling enough, we’re visiting, etc. It’s a lot of work to be in a relationship, let alone a LDR, and he was finding himself getting really stressed out about even the little things (especially missing my son and me). If he's stressed out all the time, he may not eat right or be losing weight which is detrimental to his success. And I'm sure another fear is if he doesn't make it, how else would he even provide for us? I do believe it's part selfishness but part of him wanting to be a man and provide for his family and future family, too. He just isn't sure he wants to focus on them both simultaneously, worried it could affect the other… but my thing is he could he just may not want to. Especially since he expressed a sexual frustration. That is where I go bonkers and think he's stupid. I can see maybe taking a break to solely focus on the career but I wouldn't be risking a possible, future wife by going anywhere else for it no matter how stressed I am. His mom is very smart and went through a lot so she doesn't agree with her son's feeling on this either, and only understands his stress on being able to fully focus on the goal. Advice, please?!

I appreciate you guys and thanks for listening! XOXO

[kteire]

Honestly, I don't see whether or not there is hope as the key point here. You will only drive yourself crazy trying to analyse his reasoning or seeing possibility in his actions and his mum's words. I would take his mum's words solely as the opinion of someone who loves you and doesn't want to see you get hurt. As much as I understand how close you feel with them, I don't think I agree that keeping in touch with them is a good idea at this point in time. You need time apart from him and his family in order to accept that your relationship has ended, and move on. When you break up with someone, you also in a way break up with their family. I'm not saying you should never have a relationship with them, but might be a good idea to wait until things have settled a bit.

[chibij14]

Thank you so much, sweetie... I understand. :'(

[Moon]

I think you need to listen to his mom. There's no predicting the future, and maybe someday you can salvage this, but it could also be a colossal waste of your time that you'll never get back, and life is short. What if he doesn't make it into the NFL, what's next? Think about it, you just don't see 29 year old rookies in there, will he be able to really let the dream go? And if he does, can he really go from being an athlete, putting 100% of his life into it, to a normal 9 to 5'er?

I'm sorry hun, but I think you should walk away, at least for a year. Live your life, don't plan anything around him and his dream, and if in a year or so, circumstances bring you back together, great, but DO NOT plan on it. Plan your life to live for yourself and your son only, do not think about "when you get back together", consider it over and move on.

What he's doing is keeping you in the background as a back-up plan, are you OK with just being someone's back-up plan? Don't you think you deserve better than that? If he really saw you as his wife, he'd find a way to fit you in there, men are usually really good at that. Even if he's just confused about it, walk away and maybe later he'll mature enough for it, but again, don't plan or count on it. The longer you let this drag out, the harder it will be, and the longer it'll take for you to heal from it. Good luck.

[chibij14]

Great insight. Gosh, this hurts so much... I agree though and all my friends and family ask me why I'd want to be a back up plan. I think all the hurt I have experienced in my life is because God knew I could handle it. I always come out on top and just the same sweet, loving, caring, giving person. So in my head, I try to jusitfy it by saying God made me strong enough to handle it and instead of being a back up plan I'm just patient and that maybe that was his blessing. You know? That maybe because I am so patient and most women would NOT put up this crap, not even ones half as hard working as I am, that maybe that's why I've been shaped this way so when he's ready I'm there. But I fully see both of your points. I will just try hard to move on like we'll never see each other again. This hurts so badly... I seriously cry a few times a day and it's even worse when my son asks for him and he's only 2 1/2! Ugh...

[Malaga]

Personally I don't think it's fair that she contacted you, even if it was to give you support. You were coping well with the breakup before that and now you're conflicted again. The fact is you're both adults and your relationship concerns you two only. Parents, family stepping in to serve as translators or match makers - what's the point of that? If he can't even talk to you personally and tell you these things, then nothing has changed since you broke up.

And him asking his mother and sister to check up on you - why? If you don't feel like sharing things with him at this moment, then that's your decision he should respect and give you space. His family too. His mum seems like a nice lady but the whole conversation seems to have thrown you off course. Even if she just wanted to give you closure - she's not the person who can give you that.

I hope you find the strength to get back on track, focus on yourself and your kid, and find a peace of mind.

Good luck xx

[chibij14]

Oh hun, thank you. I think it's hard but what I may find myself doing is completely detaching from them. I may just tell her that while I do love and appreciate his family I cannot move on with the contact as it is. Plus, this should show my ex-SO that it's NOT okay to just leave me with these little scraps. It almost makes his job easier because he thinks at least someone is comforting me when it really should be him. This isn't right. Either I will cut them off while I'm trying to heal or at least have them promise to not share anything with Billy so he will be forced to make a decision - Contact if you want to know what's going on or leave me the hell alone. I really can't keep doing this because it truly is stunting my growth.

[loneliestgirl]

I think it is best for you to distance yourself from his family. At least, until you are able to fully move on from the relationship and the contact between you, the mother or the sister is because you have developed a friendship independent of Billy and between you and them only. It shouldn't revolve around him or be driven by his need to know if you are okay through communication via his family. He is no longer entitled to know about you. He no longer has a right to that privilege and blessing.

You are correct that it will stunt your growth or allow you to put the relationship in the past. His mother will never reject her son, no matter how mean or wrong his is treats you or anyone. It's a mother's love. Surely, she is conflicted because of her love and respect for you and her love for her son. However, until you are past the hurt, you may look to her to have your back and fight for you with her son. Maybe not overtly, but subconsciously, not even knowingly, you may hope for that and when it doesn't happen, you risk feeling rejected by his family and the loss of support you may have expected.

While it is very sweet and gives you assurance that your feelings about the situation are not just in your head, their disapproval of his behavior is more about their disappointment in his character than about you and the relationship.

I hope the best for you. I know how hard it can be when you lose the connection with your ex's family that you have grown close to. It's a double loss and I think it is sometimes harder to get over that loss than the loss of the relationship with just your SO. At least, that's the way it was for me.

[chibij14]

I went ahead and sent the message today so it's a done deal. I told her how much I love them but I'm stunting my growth, as well as his. I told her that him contacting me through them and seeing how things are going won't make him grow up any sooner. I said he has to be more of a man and reach out if this is what he wants, but if he doesn't I'm getting stronger and try not to let it get me down. She said that I'm a prize her son does not deserve and she understands, but wants me to know she loves me and is behind me always. She asked to even send another package to me and I said that's completely fine. I said that I'll be in touch someday but right now it's just too hard because it keeps hope alive that he'll return when he may not. On the other hand, again, he really needs to feel the weight of his decision to leave my son and me so by doing that he needs to have no access to my life unless he wants to be a part of it! You totally gave me back my strength when you said, " He is no longer entitled to know about you. He no longer has a right to that privilege and blessing." Bless YOU for saying that and making me realize it is the truth! Praying the days get easier and that I'll cross the bridge of what to do when he contacts me, IF he ever contacts me... Until then, I'll just move on like it's over forever.

[summerstillhere]

Find a new hobby or make yourself busy. try to stop contact with him or his family. if he want you he will try to contact you.
we're almost in similar situation except that our relationship didnt involve family. I ignored and stop contact with my ex after he broke up with me for months and now he contacted me again (he tries to talk in skype and he sent me emails).

I hope you find your happiness.
at the moment, try to focus on something else, yes it is hard but it's not impossible

all the best to you.

[chibij14]

Thank you... Yeah, I've been free of contact with his family for 4 days and 8 days from my ex-SO. It just hurts so much because I feel like all the things that happened he claims to be upset about are just excuses. That he didn't want to have the distance, the work involved, and distraction of his football. That's the hard part. I know I told him to never contact me again, telling him that it's not because I don't love him but because I can't put myself through knowing he will be doing things with other people. When he said we wouldn't talk about that, I still find myself cringing since it made me feel like he had already thought about it?! I know he was sexually frustrated which he attributes to having a lot of testosterone, but he also tried to tell me it's because of the same issues that keep coming up... Funny thing about that is those issues were caused by him sending me mixed signals in the beginning and for months. I mean, living with a single mom and her kid while you're in an unfamiliar state but not committing to her with a title is very confusing. I suffered a lot of insecurity issues prior to this so he made it even worse when he wasn't giving me a title. I mean, I found stuff on his phone and Facebook that still haunt me to this day. I should've run a long time ago and especially shouldn't be feeling guilty for the break up because what it probably gets down to is... This relationship was too much work when all he wants to do is focus on his football. No more worrying about a woman you "love" and her child, if you're making her happy or not, and being able to get sex whenever he wants while he's in another state. God, I just want to punch him in the face right now...