Pre-Planned Call or Spontaneous Call?

[monkinlove]

So the woman I'm interested in, we are in the getting to know you phase and taking things slow. So I'm the one who usually calls her. There have been times I have planned a call with her to call at a certain time and day. There are other times I have called randomly because I feel like it. It's usually been a planned call. She hasn't expressed which one she likes.

So just as a random question, when you were getting to know someone or I guess even at the dating stage do women or people in general prefer to get a random call and answer it if you are available or planned call?

I guess the planned call is better, but I guess sometimes I feel like I'm asking "permission" to call and to me that comes off kinda weak. Am I being too macho?

I think for now I better just keep it as is and plan calls together, but also mix it up with a few random calls as long as it isn't too much or I come off as needy.

Any thoughts?


-Monk trying to figure out women/relationships

[ThePiedPiper]

I feel like you need to get over the idea that planning a call means you're "asking permission" and are therefore made "weak." That implies that the opposite is true, that she should pick up every time you call because you're her man and she's your woman and so she should drop everything for you because you'll ultimately be the head of the household. As opposed to getting hung up on how it makes you "less of a man" to be considerate of her schedule, why not look at planning a phone call as being a common courtesy of being in a long-distance relationship? Of being mindful of the fact she has a life outside of you and your relationship? And if you don't know whether she prefers planned or surprise calls, why not directly ask her versus asking a forum filled with different men and women with different opinions? I wouldn't like surprise phone calls, but that's because I'm typically pretty busy, so planned calls have always been better for me. Your plan sounds like a good one, but I can't speak for her tastes either. I can speak for mine, however, when I say that yes, I think you're getting too caught up in the idea of being "macho." There's no reason to get your panties in a bunch because you're planning calls with your SO. Like I said, unless she's a traditional woman who prefers an imbalanced dynamic of power (and there are these women out there), that's an issue you're going to need to let go of or you're going to run into problems.

[XxFranticLovexX]

Like piper said, just ask her. It doesn't make you less manly and it will show her that you think about things like this as well.

See, I'm the opposite of piper. I never have a set schedule and never know when I'll be home. I love getting a random call from my SO, yes it sucks if I miss the call, but it's kinda nice to see that he was thinking of me at a random time and decided to call me. It's also nice to know when he's calling sometimes so that I know I will be there, it just varies. When calling him it is usually random as well. It kinda sucks if he doesn't answer for some reason or another but it's always fine again once he calls back. I like the spontaneity of random calls and I like knowing that no matter when I want to talk to him (or he wants to talk to me) we can just pick up the phone and call the other, if it's possible, and just ring the other back when we get the message if the call was missed for some reason. ^^

[MadMolly]

Right before I call, I text "are you free for me to call?" and sometimes I say "are you free at *n time later* to call?" easy

[11MikesGirl21]

My SO makes fun of me for having every minute of every day planned down to how long I get to eat. (Full time student (6 classes), part time student worker, 2 TA placements). He knows I have a crazy schedule and he calls around it usually when he knows I'm free or walking somewhere on campus. Sometimes he'll call when he knows I'm busy, but really wants to tell me something, then the message starts off with "You're probably at work, going to work, doing homeWORK, or WORKing on trying to nap..or actually in class *gasp* anyway...."

I like both just for the reason that he's making it known that he is thinking of me and taking a moment to get in touch in some way other than text. When we were first talking/pre-dating he would text me asking if it was a good time to talk. And then he would either call (even though he was right across campus) or continue texting. It wasn't "weak" at all. I appreciated that he was being considerate of my time and that he was making an effort to talk and have an actual conversation with me. He was putting in a lot of effort to just talking to me. Women like that. I'm personally a sucker for it.

Your plan sounds good. And I can't speak your girl and what she would find "needy" behavior. She'll tell you that on her own if she feels like it is. My SO does all the time because when we do get time in the same place, which is rare, I'm basically in his back pocket.

[Malaga]

Right before I call, I text "are you free for me to call?" and sometimes I say "are you free at *n time later* to call?" easy

I do that too. Or I don't specifically ask, but I do try to get a grasp of how busy he is at the moment. If he says via text that he's not doing anything in particular at the moment, I just pick up the phone and call if I feel like it.

I agree with the others, don't see it as asking for permission or a sign of weakness. I'm sure she wouldn't see it that way either. It's just having manners and common courtesy.

[monkinlove]

Very cool. Everyone's responses were very helpful. For now and in the future when/if we actually start dating.

Since we are just friends now, I'm not sure I should ask what she prefers because it's almost implying a dating situation. But I will have that conversation soon if things get more serious.

She has just taken on a new/stressful full-time job. But she has weekends off now. So I figured trying to call during the weekend would be easier, but not necessarily. So I will continue to try to schedule a talking time, but also call randomly at times.

Her life situation is constantly changing as well. So I want to be sensitive and patient with all of that. And I have been. She is a bit of a traditional woman I think or what I can tell. She seems to want me to pursue her and she seems to like it that I'm making the effort to get to know her and help her through a difficult time in her life. I'm still trying to figure out what is too forward and what isn't. What she likes and what she doesn't like. I think that will get easier as time goes on. I hope.

But I do appreciate everyone's insight. It was helpful. It does show that people are different in what they prefer as far as contacting and what they perceive from the other person in random calling or preset time. I knew there was a difference, but based on people's reference (school, busy schedule etc) it does help me kinda gauge and confirm somethings. So again thanks for the responses. Very helpful as usual.

-Monk a little more in the know

[Moon]

You might be over-thinking it a little, just do what feels natural to you. That being said, my boyfriend and I never call each other (unless there's something really urgent), we're international with a 7 hour time difference, not to mention it ain't exactly cheap! Anyway, we have our regular Google Chat pretty much every day at the same time, it works with our lifestyle, there's never any guessing, and so on. On New Years Eve this year, he was on his way home from his NYE stuff with his friends, and the lines for the taxis were incredibly long. He ducked under a gas station awning, out of the rain, and called me, we talked for about an hour and I have to say, something so out of the ordinary and spontaneous, yet as common and simple as a phone call, made me stupidly happy. I guess that maybe it's because I knew I was right there with him, on his mind, and it was just such a nice change of pace. I think the point I'm trying to make is sometimes it's those small, in-the-moment acts that can change someone's day. Yes, plan your calls, but don't be afraid to occasionally break with that and do what feels right