Trust Issuses

[Melinahasan26]

Well I'm bf and I have been together for a year an a half now, and I do have to say that we have gone through some impossible odds. But also along the way he has hurt me, twice. I love this man to death, but I always find myself having trouble trusting him at times. I know he loves me an I know he wants my trust back and I do as well because I want us to be fully happy again. When I say that he hurt me, I mean he cheated on me, it wasn't anything physical but it was texting. He never met this girl but there was way too much flirting in those messages. So to do this day, I find myself wanting to trust him but in the same token, scared to do so. I just want things to be back to normal but I know it will take time, I just want to be able to trust him again.

Does anyone have a similar situation? Or, does anyone have advice to give?
Thanks for your support and help . c:

[marlex]

I too on the other hand find it hard to trust my boyfriend before since he's really far away. There are times when I imagine him flirting with other girls, or having another LDR with random stranger just like me. There are many uncertainties in our situation, however, I chose to trust him in order not to lose him. I lack patience and I'm really not good in waiting, but I love the guy so I'll do everything to make our relationship work come hell or high water. Just like you he's human too. He has flaws and weaknesses, he's not perfect (nobody is), he can commit mistakes that'll eventually hurt the ones he love (especially you). But as a human he deserves a second chance to make up for what he did. I'm sure you already know his surname and other bunch of stuffs about him, you're lucky for that. He trusts you, unlike me I don't even know my boyfriend's surname. Trust is the basic foundation in a relationship, I to have to go through a lot of adjustments and learning. Hope you guys work that out, have a good day.

[loneliestgirl]

How long has it been since you found out? Trust is one of those things that once it's broken, it takes a very long time to build back up. Sometimes, if the hurt is too deep or the person who hurt you doesn't make real efforts to earn it back, then it cannot be replaced.

Don't rush it. Allow yourself time to heal. At the same time, do not take out any frustrations on your SO, especially if he is making real efforts to make amends. Simply, let him know what you need from him at this point, that it is a difficult process for you and will take some time but you do hope and feel that you and him can get through it with work from both your ends.

[Kiyama]

May I ask what kinds of messages they were sending? At what point in your relationship was it and how did you find out?
Everybody is different and you alone decide when enough is enough but to call a few messages with someone he has never even met cheating is a bit harsh I would say. I'd be pissed off, that's for sure but to have major trust issues after a long time is not a good sign, especially if he hasn't given you any reason to not trust you since then and if he has been trying to make up for his mistake. If you still want to truly be with him, you need to find a way to find peace with it and move on. Trust is hard to rebuilt but if you choose to walk that rough road, you have to do it properly.
Good luck!

[Melinahasan26]

I too on the other hand find it hard to trust my boyfriend before since he's really far away. There are times when I imagine him flirting with other girls, or having another LDR with random stranger just like me. There are many uncertainties in our situation, however, I chose to trust him in order not to lose him. I lack patience and I'm really not good in waiting, but I love the guy so I'll do everything to make our relationship work come hell or high water. Just like you he's human too. He has flaws and weaknesses, he's not perfect (nobody is), he can commit mistakes that'll eventually hurt the ones he love (especially you). But as a human he deserves a second chance to make up for what he did. I'm sure you already know his surname and other bunch of stuffs about him, you're lucky for that. He trusts you, unlike me I don't even know my boyfriend's surname. Trust is the basic foundation in a relationship, I to have to go through a lot of adjustments and learning. Hope you guys work that out, have a good day.

Yeah we have been together a long time that I would know almost practically everything about him. I understand that the distance does not help but we all have to endure and be strong. Thanks for the support and advice marlex. c:

[Melinahasan26]

May I ask what kinds of messages they were sending? At what point in your relationship was it and how did you find out?
Everybody is different and you alone decide when enough is enough but to call a few messages with someone he has never even met cheating is a bit harsh I would say. I'd be pissed off, that's for sure but to have major trust issues after a long time is not a good sign, especially if he hasn't given you any reason to not trust you since then and if he has been trying to make up for his mistake. If you still want to truly be with him, you need to find a way to find peace with it and move on. Trust is hard to rebuilt but if you choose to walk that rough road, you have to do it properly.
Good luck!

Well the first time he hurt me was 3 months into our relationship, he was talking with a girl named Selina and things got a bit carried away. When I found out by seeing the actual messages, I confronted him. We made things work till about 10 mi this into the relationship I found out that he cheated on me again and with the same girl. The text messages that were sent were of him saying "Love you". I considered it cheating because 1. It's with the same girl that I though we moved on from and 2. He told her that he loved her. :c I for one have forgiven him because I love this man to death, yes he has been making big efforts to gain my trust back but it's hard for me. Just like the saying "once bitten, twice as shy." But you're right about giving myself time to heal. Thank you for the advice Kiyama. ^.^

[Melinahasan26]

How long has it been since you found out? Trust is one of those things that once it's broken, it takes a very long time to build back up. Sometimes, if the hurt is too deep or the person who hurt you doesn't make real efforts to earn it back, then it cannot be replaced.

Don't rush it. Allow yourself time to heal. At the same time, do not take out any frustrations on your SO, especially if he is making real efforts to make amends. Simply, let him know what you need from him at this point, that it is a difficult process for you and will take some time but you do hope and feel that you and him can get through it with work from both your ends.

It's been about almost 10 months since I found out from the last time. He's been making real efforts but I'm a really insecure girl. So knowing that he cheated on me in the past has made me more insecure now. I love you my SO a lot!!! But it also hurts me a lot because I have lost a lot of things in trying to make this relationship work. I lost my parents trust because they don't approve of my LDR and I went behind their backs to stay with him. So when he cheated on me, I felt like he didn't care about all the sacrifices I made to be with him. :c well he's trying to fix things now but I'm still scared and my heart is too. But I'll try giving myself a chance to heal and to see how things work out from there. Thank you loneliestgir for your support. c:

[glasspaper]

I'm sorry for that.
It's not easy to know that you had been cheated on. It absolutely hurts.
I know how it feels to be insecure over something, especialy if we had a terrible experience of it.
But if he really tryin to fix the things out, then i think it's not bad to give him a chance to change.
And i agree with all of those advices that beside of give him a chance to change, give yourself a time and chance to heal too.
Don't pushed anything.
Take it slow. Time will shows you the best things you deserve.
You'll be okay, embrace yourself and love yourself and i hope the best of luck for you and your SO

[MattDavies86]

Trust has to be earned, that's the bottom line, don't try to force yourself to trust him, let him suffer a little if he really does love you, to show that he is sincere, he has to prove to you that you can trust him again and that it won't happen again, it will take time, but have patientce and faith, but don't take anything as blind truth at the moment. Just be careful , trust is tricky because if that's gone then the relationship is really tricky, full of suspicions, deceipt etc.

[Melinahasan26]

Trust has to be earned, that's the bottom line, don't try to force yourself to trust him, let him suffer a little if he really does love you, to show that he is sincere, he has to prove to you that you can trust him again and that it won't happen again, it will take time, but have patientce and faith, but don't take anything as blind truth at the moment. Just be careful , trust is tricky because if that's gone then the relationship is really tricky, full of suspicions, deceipt etc.

Thanks MattDavies86, you're right about taking time and not to force myself to trust him. I'm glad you understand as well. I guess time is all I need and I do indeed hope things will get better. Thank you again for the support and advice.

[Melinahasan26]

I'm sorry for that.
It's not easy to know that you had been cheated on. It absolutely hurts.
I know how it feels to be insecure over something, especialy if we had a terrible experience of it.
But if he really tryin to fix the things out, then i think it's not bad to give him a chance to change.
And i agree with all of those advices that beside of give him a chance to change, give yourself a time and chance to heal too.
Don't pushed anything.
Take it slow. Time will shows you the best things you deserve.
You'll be okay, embrace yourself and love yourself and i hope the best of luck for you and your SO

Thank you too glasspaper. All this support has made bearing this problem of mine a lot easier, I don't feel alone anymore or that I have to hold it all inside. Time is everything I guess and only time will tell what will happen. C:

[MattDavies86]

Thanks MattDavies86, you're right about taking time and not to force myself to trust him. I'm glad you understand as well. I guess time is all I need and I do indeed hope things will get better. Thank you again for the support and advice.

That's what's great about this site, plenty of support and people who understand, joining here is the best thing I could have done with regards to my LDR, it has really helped me see the hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel and plenty of helping hands on the way , I am a little more lucky than some, it'll be 5months since I saw my SO last, but from then on it'll be no more than 2-3 months between visits and she'll stay here for 6months a time with me :P.

Anyway, keep us posted on how you feel and what develops! wish yo uthe best and hope it works out, just remember don't force it, he's the one who's done wrong and you shouldn't suffer for it, he should, so make him do the work to prove he's sincere