One more question then done for now...

[Waddams]

Background - SO and I were local, talking about moving in together, marriage, etc. Then she got a job offer she couldn't turn down 500 miles away.

Now she's saying things about being confused, not sure this is right for her, or her kids, etc. Basically, she's torn between the job and wanting to come back.

I own a house, but it's very expensive. Same house rents for $750 less a month than my mortgage now thanks to the housing bubble bursting. Before I met her and things got serious, I was planning on trying to sell and get out of it. I held off, thinking I might need the space for her and her kids. Now I don't so I've put it on the market, have an offer, and am trying to get a short sale approved.

When I mentioned I'd turned in all the paperwork to try and get it finalized, SO got real quiet and sad sounding. When I asked her what was going on and talked, she said basically she was afraid if she decided she wanted to come back sooner than she'd originally thought, that I wouldn't have a place that would accommodate her and her kids.

So...there are several aspects of this. One is this: SO is saying "I want the security of knowing I've got you hanging on the line ready for me when I've had enough of Florida". Kind of wants to have her cake and eat it too. At least I feel some of that.

Another is she couldn't find a good job here. She had to take the job. It's a real resume builder, and lots of other benefits she needed.

At the same time, I'm not willing to continue to struggle w/ a financial hardship when I don't have to. I asked her to reconsider leaving, she left anyway, so okay. I feel like now I'm on my own here, and I need to do what I need to for me. Which is find more affordable residence. I don't need that big house for just me and my son. I don't particularly want the house anymore either.

My closing date for the sale is in May. This weekend on the visit I'm thinking I'm just gonna tell her that if she decides she wants to come back, then I need to know in time to figure out what kind of new place to get. If she'll be there, I'd like her to come up, and we'll go house hunting together. If she won't be there, then I'm going find a smaller condo or house, but I'll need to know probably by the end of March at the latest because finding the right rental might involve having to wait for a period while the place is made ready for moving in. I need to be able to sign for the house probably a month before move in. If I find a place that I don't need to wait for like that, fine, but I need to be prepared for a wait, so I need her to make her mind what she wants on a time frame that allows me to know what I need for housing arrangements.

Was wondering if anyone had any advice or words of wisdom? I'm willing to close the distance w/ her, but I'm not willing to keep the house I'm in because it's too expensive, and I'm not willing to rent a place for us all if she's not gonna be there in it with me. I'm not going to let myself be left dangling on the hook while she remains undecided. I don't know any other way to approach this but was hoping someone could chime in if they thought there was an angle I was missing.

[ThePiedPiper]

I feel like you're approaching this in exactly the right. It sounds like she does have you waiting there in Florida for when she decides to come home. However, is it possible she's thinking about coming home sooner rather than later? I would explain everything you said here to us to her, that you're willing to close the distance with her and look for a new place with her, but that you don't need such a big house for you and your son and you don't want to continue living there while she's working in Florida. I can't possibly see what would be wrong about that arrangement.

[Moon]

I'm curious as to why it's your responsibility to house her and her kids? It sounds to me like you're getting the short end of the stick here, and maybe a little bit taken advantage of. She made the choice to move, she has to deal with her own housing issues, while you do what works best for you. If she decides to move back, she can sort out her living arrangements, you can help her of course, but I think I'd let her be responsible for herself. It's not like you previously lived together, so I think it's presumptuous of her to assume you'll make sure she's taken care of, even if you talked about it before.

If things work out, and she comes back, you can then combine your income (once she has a job) and then worry about a bigger place, there's no sense in you shelling out all that extra money, when you don't really know when she'll move back. Good luck.

[kayla_622]

I think you should think about what is best for you and your son first. It seems like selling the house is the right way to go. I also think its a good idea to talk to your SO when you go to see her. Tell her you NEED to know if she's willing to move back and be with you. If she is but, not any time soon then sell your house and look for something that is better for you and your son. Then down the road when she is ready to made the move you two can look for a place together. There is no point in keeping something that is having a financial impact on your family.

[Waddams]

ok...clarification. This is JMHO about the situation.

When SO moved, it was because the job got her to financial stability, quality with her kids, and she can finish her degree a lot easier w/ a stable life base that she just didni't have here. She tried to find a better job here, but not having a 4 year degree hamstrung her.

She also was always weary of moving in w/ me until she felt like she could stand her own two feet so she wouldn't be a burden to me. I actually very much respect her for that.

Anyway, I also feel that at this point, if she comes back, she needs to have a plan of what she's going to do. She needs to either have a new job lined up before she moves (regular hours, not retail), have extra financial aid lined up to go to work full time on finishing her degree, etc. She was just kind of stuck in not being able to progress herself towards her personal goals before. She's in a situation now where she can do that. If she comes back, it needs to be under circumstances that still provide her opportunity to work towards her goals. I don't want her to come back here and just end up in a bad spot again.

I also love her very much, and honestly, it's a long explanation, but I don't think she should give up her new found security and stability for me unless we are making a big commitment to each other that involves a wedding. She shouldn't give up what she has now unless she's getting me in a commitment, and I shouldn't accept her coming back to me unless she's finally ready to make commitment to me. We've been together a long time, and she's never felt ready before. That's just how I feel about it all to be honest. I could write a book on the details of why, but won't bother right now, but there are lots of reasons.

Anyway, I appreciate the feedback! Thanks!

[loneliestgirl]

I can see how you might feel that your SO wants her cake and eat it too. However, most likely, she is just plain confused and torn as to what would be the right decision for herself personally, her children, her career and for the relationship (you). Her first priority is to her children and making sure that she can support them financially and provide them with everything that they need (medical, food, etc). That was probably her main factor in taking the job she has and sacrificing her personally happiness. It gave her that opportunity, plus the benefit of padding her resume to make her more attractive and marketable for a better position where you are. More money and a steady income for her contribution would also help the both of you out when you do move in together or get married. Short term unhappiness (being apart) for long term gain. Unfortunately, it puts you in a less then optimal position as well.

Just as she needs to do what is financially healthy for her and her family, you need to do the same. I assume that she is currently in a rental with a possible 6 month- 1 year lease? You have that option of finding a rental that is more suitable for your needs right now. You can look for one that is on a month to month or 6 month lease. When she is ready to move into another job and close the distance, then you can revisit the housing situation and making a plan.

Perhaps to help her with her decision or quiet her worries, you can ask her how long she feels she would need to be at this job to reap the benefits of the experience and market it to a better one nearby? Probably a year or 18 months? Once you both have a strategy in place regarding her job situation, all the other decisions and plans can stem from there more easily as to what kind of rental you need to be looking for and the leasing terms. I know I like a plan, even if it's a general one, that gives me mini-goals/markers to accomplish.

[Zephii]

I think that so far you're making the right decisions. I think however if it's financially viable (I don't know what the housing market is like there) perhaps when you choose your next place you can go for something with one more bedroom than you need. That way if shit hits the fan and she needs somewhere to go, or when they come to you for visits, her kids can share that room. They probably wont like sharing, but it's an option that puts a roof over everyone's head, gives her a sense of security (but not a place that would look too desirable and add to her wanting to move back as that's not really best for her) while not costing you an arm and a leg.

[Kristin91]

I agree with ThePiedPiper, I think you need to sell your house and find a new one. I also agree that asking for her help (especially since she is going to be a big part of your future life) is huge. Good luck!