Break up or make up

[Tgomez2007]

Ok so the man of my dreams broke up with me 2 days ago. I am 24 and he is 22. We were together for 2 years and 3 months. We were living together about 6 months ago. Until he decided he wanted to move to a different state to go to college without me. He broke up with me at first. But we talked about it and he said that we could try the ldr thing which was my idea. He gave me a promise ring before we moved. Everything was going well until recently. He said that he was done and tired of trying and being on a schedule. We talked every night at 9 on Skype for a couple of hours we would watch TV shows and stuff then one day a week either Friday or Saturday we would have a whole night to ourselves and place halo and watch TV. I understood the schedule thing that was to help me cope with the ldr and missing him so much. So I asked him to not try skyping every night and not texting as much. But on nights that we don't Skype talk on the phone for a little while just to see how our day went. He said he would think about it. I'm not sure what he will say. He wants to feel free. Is there anyway he can feel free and be with me at the same time. He says he wants to be friends but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to do that. Because I'm madly in love with him. Oh, he also bought me valentines day stuff that I should be getting in the mail. It's going to hurt like hell getting that stuff. What do I do....

[Carenza LaRue]

how 'free' is free in his eyes?
do you know that?

cause..... in my opinion.... being in a relationship.... LDR or not... means commitment to me.

and I don't see that with him, if I read your words well.

sorry......

[Irina_Linn]

umm i must say he really acted like a butt.he gave you a promise ring and said that you can try LDR and then all of a sudden he decides he lacks freedom.i totally understand how bad it hurts you and i am really sorry you feel this way,but i dont understand-why he had to agree to have LDR and then complain about losing freedom? LDR requires some sacrifice obviously in terms of dedicating some time to skyping for example.i am sorry that it happened to you but well...your SO really seems not so interested in relationship as you are

[ioanna]

I'm sorry you're hurting and hope things will take a turn for the better soon...

It seems to me like you guys are still adjusting to being in an LDR. For me it took about a year to find the right balance between the quantity (and quality) of time my SO and I spend together.
If I were in your SO's place, just moved into a new town and attending a new college I'd also like a little more time to myself to do my own thing and socialize, make some friends and explore. If free time is what he means by free, then maybe you should try spending less time on skype, not 2h everynight and then a whole evening on the weekend. Focus on the quality of the time you do spend together, not on how much you actually do.
I was also the one that stayed behind, after living "together" for 4 years, so I can imagine how it feels like when everything around you reminds you of them and makes you miss them more; but you should try and focus on other things, find a new hobby, focus on being more independent for your own happiness. This way you'll have more things to talk about together and won't feel stuck to the schedule. In my case it also helped miss him less. It still hurt, but it was different, I felt less empty...
I truly hope things work out for you guys, good luck! (and welcome to LFAD, this is the first time I reply to one of your posts)

[ThePiedPiper]

I opened the Christmas present my ex sent to me (he sent it to me even though we hadn't spoken for a month). It hurt but it allowed me to at least be at peace with where we were in terms of things, until he ruined it by being a royal asshat to me only a month later. If you don't feel you can handle it, though, then I would recommend giving it to a friend or family member to keep until you're able to face it, if you ever decide to face it at all.

I don't recommend doing the friends thing. When one person has feelings and the break-up wasn't mutual, it's likely only going to hurt you more in the end, because you'll be left wondering why he's moving on so fast and what did your relationship mean etc. There's more room for questions and "what if"s and for keeping the flame of hope alive when you two are friends but not romantically attached despite the fact one of you (you, in this case) still has feelings for the other. It will most likely result in hostility and tears.

It's possible that binding him to the computer every night of the week (and if not the computer, then the phone), he's feeling smothered and suffocated. It's important to be able to maintain your own separate lives and senses of individuality, if you do decide to try again with this relationship, though at this point it seems like he's broken up with you twice and so either isn't that committed to doing you/the LD thing or he simply is not mature enough to handle a serious relationship yet. But if you do decide to get back together, all I can say is you need to not tie each other down. Asking for a little bit of contact every day isn't wrong but expecting a Skype or phone conversation on a daily basis can get taxing and people feel like they run out of things to talk about sometimes. I would recommend a Skype and/or phone date once or twice a week and then you get the rest of the nights to either stay in and have some me-time or go out with friends.

[Tgomez2007]

I'm not sure if I could stop talking to him. He is really an amazing guy. He makes me feel complete. He's my better half. He makes me a better person. He is the love of my life. We are great together. Our personalities just match up perfectly.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I'm not sure if I could stop talking to him. He is really an amazing guy. He makes me feel complete. He's my better half. He makes me a better person. He is the love of my life. We are great together. Our personalities just match up perfectly.

If you hold onto this way of thinking, you will find it a million times harder to get over this relationship (if it's over).

Talking to him firstly is habit. You think you can't stop because you talk all the time. But if you want to keep him, you have to let him have his space. University is a unique experience, and as a student myself, I'm lucky that I have an SO who allows me my space and freedom to go out most weekends with my friends and not miss out on anything. More often than not, if I say I can't talk because I'm heading to the pub with some mates, he'll tell me to have a drink for him. And funnily enough, that makes me WANT to talk to him. I'll sometimes even take a picture of two drinks and send it to him to show him that I'm having a drink for him. I can completely see how, given the amount of time he's spending on Skype every evening with you, he feels like he's missing out. It's hard to fully participate and not feel guilty about all the time you could be spending with your SO.

On the other hand, you have to remind yourself that this is NOT your only opportunity to be happy. He is NOT the only man in the world for you. I'm going to sound harsh here, but if he truly thought that this was his only chance to be happy, he wouldn't be wanting to break up. I don't want to give you false hope, it's true that you guys might break up and he might realise everything you've said (he's the love of my life, etc), but you personally shouldn't hold out for that. You have to make a mature decision to believe that if he wants to break up, he's not the man for you anyway. You want and deserve someone committed. If he doesn't want that, he's not the right person for you.

I know your instinct right now is to cling really tightly to him, but that is completely counter-intuitive to the outcome that you want. Try and stay calm and mature, because if there's one thing that will win you his respect, it's respecting his personal choices, and being willing to try what he wants to try, whether that's spending less time together or breaking up.