I think it is time to end my relationship

[wonderlandless]

Some of you might remember the thread I made two weeks ago where I mentioned my boyfriend called me and told me that he had concerns with our relationship. He said he felt like he was losing interest and blamed the distance and the fact he is a loner and not very good in relationships for the problem. He said instead of breaking up he wanted to work on this, So we began to try other things. We now call each other every night before one of us goes to bed. It seems like it is helping.

However, I have tried to find ways to make the relationship better but when I asked him how can I make this better or what did I do to get us to that point we were at he simply replies with I don't know or says it is the distance or says it is because he is a loaner by nature and not used to being in a relationship as it is hard. Sunday's things seem better and some days things seem worse.

I am currently living back at home trying to save money. The problem with that is I am exposed to an extremely abusive family member. My boyfriend knows this and while I've sent to him he doesn't seem to have much input into it. He knows I'm only staying with my family members because I want to save up money to move to his city faster. He said that he doesn't enjoy hearing about my abusive father but if I ever need to vent then I should.

When we chat on IM and I start to get sentimental and mushy and lovey he seems to drift away from the conversation and only replies with one word agreeables. He will agree to do things in his city in the future, but he is not as willing when I start talking about moving. He says he wants me to move but is scared because a girl moving 900 miles for him is a bit overwhelming. My thought is how can our relationship survive if he claims distance is a problem but is nervous about my move (note: I won't be moving in with him).

Another big issue is something that occurred last night. During the Grammys his band had three commercials with their new song in it. this is all wonderful I texted him to tell him about it (I knew he was taking a nap when they came on) and I kept telling him how proud IM of him and he didn't really seem to respond to it and only once did he say me 'me too.' After posting about it on Facebook and tweeting about it I noticed none of his bandmembers liked my status or retweeted my post while they did with many other people. I know this seems petty but the band and I are very close but they also know about the problems we are having. The silence from them does not help me any.

He wants me to come up to where he is this weekend (he is in a nearby city wrapping up the album) but I feel like and have told him if he is not serious about us and the relationship I would rather not come but work and make money this weekend. He seems excited for me to come but when I make plans for us to do things he does not seem all that interested then again he really hates the city that he is recording the album.

My thought is why am I exposing myself to a lot of unneeded stress both physical and mental and being in a dangerous living situation and working multiple jobs and saving up money and passing up opportunities to have fun with my friends to be with a guy who does not seem a serious about working on the relationship as he says. Before I break up with him I would really like to have some outside input what do you think?

[snow_girl]

I think going to meet his this weekend would be a great idea. Sometimes the distance does get hard, but its what it is like in person that I would say is the real sign of how things are. I know i can get grumpy and sometimes don't want to talk to my SO when I'm away cause I miss him. It doesn't make sense but as soon as I see him thats all gone. I think you should see him and see how it goes, if things are awkward and not great then consider ending it, but I would at least give it one more try before ending it.

[Carenza LaRue]

yeah... .what snow girl said.....

give it one more try to meet him in person..... and then decide what your next step will be.

sounds to me like it's not all lost yet.....

shoot for the stars my friend..... you deserve that!

[wonderlandless]

It just all feel so lost. The problem with going to see him is every time I see him things are really good. He is very loving and attentive and the perfect boyfriend. He says when he sees me everything feels better. It is just these long stretches where he starts to lose interest.

I ask him if he still happy with us and he says yes I asked him if he wanted me to come today the city he is in but really means it and not pretending like everything is okay like last time and he said yes. He didn't really elaborate on anything. He is sick today and skipped last night's phone call we have a Skype date tonight but I don't know if I want to even do it. It is going on for in the afternoon and he has not responded to any text or Facebook. This is extremely unusual as I know he is in the studio today and he is always the first to wish me good morning or tell me about his day. I don't know what is up.

Everything feels like it's at an end. And part of me does not want to go to the city he is in because I have a horrible feeling that it will be the last time I ever see him. I would rather have the memories from two weeks ago at his gig or two months ago when I stayed at his place everything seemed right. I would rather hold those memories when everything seemed right than going into this weekend without any happiness and wondering about the alterius motive. I also get the feeling he probably is not going to do anything for Valentines Day even though I am making him his favorite candy and buying him a small gift.

[ThePiedPiper]

I think the issue is that while the feelings of doubt, concern, etc. might go away when you're together, you can't sustain a LDR on the feelings of happiness that accompany a visit. You simply can't. I remember my ex saying, when I was ending it, that the distance had been really hard for him lately and that was his excuse for his behaviour. He decided he'd probably feel okay again after visiting in March, but we broke up in November. Even if his behaviour were due to the distance (which in hindsight, it really wasn't), there's no way I could have tolerated it for four more months until we could see each other again, and even if I could have, what then? So I'm supposed to wait 6 months in between visits with him being distant, acting as though he's fallen out of love with me/lost interest in me, and treating me like a human punching bag? No. In the end, if you're in a LDR, you have to know how to have a relationship at a distance as well as when you're together with that person. You can't turn the relationship switch off and on based on your status with the person; you have to actively put in an effort, and it doesn't necessarily sound like your SO is doing that.

However, it is possible that he's simply going through a blip. What that blip is due to, I can't tell you. Maybe he's feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of closing the distance. Maybe he's feeling overwhelmed with something going on with his band or in his life. Maybe he's losing interest. The reasons for his behaviour could be anything. :/ Now, it certainly does not excuse his behaviour, but it could be a reason for it, and if this isn't a pattern in your relationship, then maybe there really is something going on, whether it's that the distance is getting to him or something a little deeper/more complicated. I can say that if he's feeling ill, then it's possible that's why his behaviour has changed over the past few days and it could be why he didn't text you this morning, too, and it could also be that you're reading into the fact his band didn't retweet or like your status. Because of this, I am going to suggest that maybe you do go and see him this weekend, but also make it a point to talk more about your relationship and what it's going to involve, if it's going to continue, when you're LD again. I think it's sometimes easier to have these conversations face-to-face, but in the event that this is a blip or a temporary roadblock, I would face the fear and go to see him and perhaps come up with a plan for making long-distance work for the both of you. I honestly think that more issues are going to be caused by not going than by going, and that if you give in to the fear and avoid the visit, the relationship is going to come to an end in a way that creates the same bad memories, based on the fact he's looking forward to it so much. Just my thoughts on the matter.

Best of luck with whatever you decide!