Need advice

[skye_michelle]

Last year in May, my boyfriend and I of a year and a half (best friend for almost 7 years) became long distance. He moved from the little town we grew up in to Wichita, KS. It was a really rough 8 months, but December 1, 2012 I moved up to be with him. Things went great, we had our own apartment, and three weeks ago we moved into a house with some friends. We even signed a one year lease! Eight days ago, he told me he was in love with someone else, and that he wanted to break up and move on. I couldn't believe what I was hearing-I sacrificed my whole life to be with him. I gave up a good college that only accepted 200 applicants a year, what little of a relationship I had left with my real dad's side of my family, a decent job, and risked my relationship with my mom and my step-dad, and lost all of my friends. All for him to tell me he hadn't been in love with me since August and it was time to move on.

I have no idea what to do now. I'm totally lost. I want to move back home, but I can't. I want to at least get my own apartment (I took the spare room in the house), but I can't afford it (I got fired two days after we broke up). I'm trying really hard in college, but I'm failing all of my classes. I get to see him with his new girlfriend all the time, and they're not discreet about their love life (there was used....paraphernalia in the bathroom trash the other day and he admitted it was his), and he talks about he constantly. I'm very angry with her right now, because she was the one I went to for advice on our relationship, and the more problems we had, the more she wanted to hang out with him and the more she texted him. The night before we broke up, I called her because we got in a huge argument and needed someone to talk too. Three hours later, he had a text from her saying she was in love with him. I feel so betrayed by the both of them.

I feel like everything has been ripped out from underneath me and that I have nothing left. Everyone keeps telling me I need to start over, but I don't know how. I have no job, no car, and the person I've relied on for over six years isn't there anymore.I just don't know what to do, so I'm looking for advice.

[snow_girl]

I'm really sorry to hear all this. One common word of advice given on the forum is that you shouldn't give up your life for someone. many people come here asking if they should sacrifice going to a preferred college for their SO and the general consensus is no because if you break up then its something you've missed out on that is for yourself. I am sorry you gave up so much for your SO and I am sorry your friend betrayed you. Perhaps next time you won't give up so much for a guy.

[skye_michelle]

I don't really plan on being a relationship for a very long time, if at all. I've always been the type of person to do whatever it takes to make someone happy, no matter the consequences. But I'm tired of having it thrown back in my face, you know?

[Moon]

Oh my god, how horrible

I would normally NEVER say this, but if at all possible, drop out of school and go home. I think, in your case, it's really the only option to save your sanity. You can restart again fresh a little later, but you can't live in these conditions. Suck up what's left of your dignity, and ask your parents for the money to get home, you might get a lot of "I told ya so's", but that's only temporary. Get away from that cruel place as soon as possible.

Your ex-boyfriend is a complete asshole, nobody with any compassion or empathy would ever do something so downright mean to someone they loved for no reason. People, especially younger ones, break up, that's life, but it takes a special brand of douchebag to do what he's doing, and flaunting this relationship with your ex-friend. That is something that's inside of you, I know you won't believe me, but I promise, you are lucky he broke up with you. Anyone who would do such a thing is pretty much sub-human, and not someone you'd want to be stuck with. Good luck.

[AABRCL05]

So sorry to hear this. He shouldn't be throwing this all back in your face. If you are wanting to stay there, then you 2 need to talk and you need to tell him how you feel about the whole situation. He may understand or he may not even care at all. If he doesn't care, then I would suggest moving back home and starting fresh there- where you don't have to see him and his new gf being happy.

Keep your head up and remember everything happens for a reason!

[Kiyama]

Totally agree with Moon here. How horrible
I also suggest to get out of there asap. It will take swallowing your pride and accept the "I told you so" moments by family and old friends but in the long term, you're doing yourself a favour.
Go home and start over without these terrible people in your life who have zero respect and compassion about someone else's feelings. It makes me so angry to hear your story. I would like to go there and give your ex SO and his new girl a good slap in the face!

[Waddams]

I'm so sorry. That's such a big betrayal. My first wife cheated on me, and that kind of betrayal is just something that cuts you to your bone. I know you're feeling abandoned and it hurts beyond anything people that haven't experienced the same can related to.

I feel like everything has been ripped out from underneath me and that I have nothing left. Everyone keeps telling me I need to start over, but I don't know how. I have no job, no car, and the person I've relied on for over six years isn't there anymore.I just don't know what to do, so I'm looking for advice.

Take this all as suggestions. and JMHO. It might work for you, it might not.

Look up abandonment-dot-net. (Sorry - not enough posts yet - can't do links!). Look at the SWIRL process it describes. You're in it big time. It's a specialized view of the grief process of dealing w/ what you are going through. It makes it easier to have a frame of reference that can help you at least identify the emotions and ups and downs you are dealing with.

Next - try to start taking care of you. Put yourself first. A guy that would do this to you isn't worth your emotional energy. Neither is the other girl. You don't need to talk to either of them. Go No Contact as hard and strong as you can. If they try to pull the "still be friends, be a bigger person" type crap in this situation, understand it's just them wanting you to play along in their own little fantasy world in which they get to stay in denial about how much they hurt you so they don't have to look in the mirror and face the fact that they are betrayers and abandoners. You don't have to play along. What they did is unacceptable and it's okay for you to set your own boundaries and not allow people that would do that in your life anymore.

Find a way to get yourself back home ASAP. Even if just for a visit. You need to be around people you trust and that care for you. You don't need to be where you are now. There's nothing there for you currently, and there is back home. What prevents you from going home? Money? Transportation? How do you overcome that? Find a new job. Save some money. And move. It's a process and takes time, but you can do it.

You'll get through this, and you'll be okay. I'm sorry you're going through it though. Hopefully things will progress quickly for you. Good luck.

[LittleBox]

Sorry to say but your ex is an absolute prick. Its one thing breaking up with you but then rubbing your face in it whilst you're still hurting is pathetic. I agree with Moon, get yourself out of there as soon as you can and start fresh back home. Look at this as a harsh learning experience and next time around don't give up everything to make someone else happy without weighing the consequences. You may have relied on him for 6 years but you're just as strong and capable without him. Good luck with everything.

[redapple]

Firstly im so so sorry. massive virtual hugs coming your way!

Agree with everything said, can you go somewhere else? just to get away, you need to look after yourself! If youre not sure what you want to do maybe somewhere neutral like a friends house for the weekend to think through what you want to do long term without the emotional stress of being at college or home? You are your priority. You need to do what makes you happy, I know money may be lost but sometimes it's not the priority.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I'm so sorry about what's happened to you. Your ex is a proper dog. He should've told you things weren't going right in August - before you moved to be with him.

I agree a lot with Moon - it might be best for you to get away in order to deal with the fallout of this for a while. Right now you're probably too close to the situation to concentrate on your own life right now - especially with the b*****d flaunting it all in your face. Just get away as soon as you possibly can, somewhere you feel safe and comfortable.

This sent up red flags for me - "I've always been the type of person to do whatever it takes to make someone happy, no matter the consequences." You're dealing with the consequences of that right now. No matter how much you love someone, making them happy cannot fulfil your life. I suspect this break up is going to be a steep learning curve for you, and I have no doubt that you will come through this stronger and wiser.

I can't express how sorry I am that things have turned out this way for you. I sincerely wish you nothing but the best.

[Katy31]

Wow, sorry about what has happened to you. I agree with the others who say that the best thing would be to go home. I also just want to say that I'm sure you'll find that your friends back home are still there for you! I don't think that being away for a few months equates to losing your friends.

[charly]

geeez... I'm so incredibly sorry for you! What an asshole (excuse my language) I second what Moon said. I cannot immagine how hard it must be to live in the same house as your ex. The only way to start over would be changing city, but as you said, with no money that's kinda hard. Is there anyone in your familly that is willing to lend you some? Can you transfer to a different university? Best of luck!