Problems need advice

[KidAbilene]

Quick Background,

My wife and I are both in the military, I have been in four, she has been in two. I have been on 1 deployment on an aircraft carrier. I have A LOT of seatime, well not compared to the old guys. But for my age I have seen my fair share of blue. We met in hospital corpsman A school. And were stationed on exact opposite ends of the country. We were married last September.

I have been noticing lately that I have developed a short temper. I genuinely think it is derived from my sea time. It is really hard to explain the inner working of Deck Department in a way that would give an accurate depiction. Basically everyone is angry all the time. We were worked 23 hour days, At least 10 of which were standing watch staring off into the distance. The other 13 was usually something like chipping pain or painting. The lucky few on the boat who were worked so hard we never knew what time of day it actually was. There was a time when I had the patience of a saint, but it feels like that was long ago. This is my first issue. Second, I present ideas and explain things in an apparently condescending manner. Completely unintentional, but my extensive vocabulary coupled with a working knowledge of a vast array of theories and Ideas is always presented in a way that makes her feel small. My third problem, is that she thinks i dont care. I try and express that I love her, and I think about her all the time but it has proven inadequate. I am concerned because all I really want to do is make her happy, and it seems like I only cause her frustration on grief. I know she loves me, I am just scared that I might drive her over the edge. I never want to make her cry but it seems like that is all I do lately.

Is there anyone that has any advice on steps I may take to make things better?

[Black_Halloween]

Hmmm...Well if you use huge words and she doesn't understand them it could be making her feel stupid, which I totally understand because I don't get huge words either. I don't get the feeling that you have a huge ego or you're intentionally doing it but sometimes people who use huge words in a conversation come off as kind off.... pompous. Try to use more simple words so she can understand you.

Also, you could try to communicate to her better about when you're in a bad mood so she knows and doesn't think its anything she did.

As for making her feel more loves, do you do cute things for her? Write her love letters, send her cute/random gifts, ectect. Maybe thats what she needs?

good luck

[sewbama]

As far as the patience thing, you should seek help from a mental health professional. If you think it is related to your duty, it probably is, and a professional could help you work through that and change your mindset now that you aren't on the ship any more. They could probably help you a lot.

As far as making her feel stupid, sure you don't mean to, but you have the power to change your behavior. When you explain things to her, try to intentionally explain it simply. Maybe practice. Try explaining something from one of your favorite topics as if you are talking to a child. Instead of using precise words, try making analogies to other, more well understood topics. And then in conversation with her, try to catch yourself before you start explaining something and change your approach. This is something you have to just work on if it is important to the both of you.

If she feels you don't care, but you think you are always expressing your love, there are probably differences in how you express love and how she feels loved. If she is very verbal and you are just giving little gifts (flowers, stuffed animals, chocolates, etc), she will feel like you don't care and are sending gifts to pretend because you won't just say it. So you have to find what makes her feel loved. Try a variety. Send long love letters explaining exactly what you feel and what you love about her. Send little gifts. Surprise her by calling at a time you don't normally call her. Send her a thoughtful gift, like her favorite tv show box set on dvd or a bottle of her favorite bubble bath. If it's touch, try a teddy bear she can hug while you're gone. Mail her a shirt that smells like you. The point is even though you feel like you are expressing your love, the point isn't getting to her. So change the style of your message.

For an example, my SO is very verbal. He feels loved just by me telling him, sending him little notes about why I love him, and we often send messages saying nothing more than I love you. I feel more loved when I receive little unnecessary gifts/messages. I like the surprise call or a flower, or a kiss when i wasn't expecting it. So we both have to change our method a little to make it work. But when you really care, it's not too hard and it's completely worth it.

[KidAbilene]

Thanks Everyone those are all great ideas! I have started to send stuff in the mail it is something I wasnt really doing but have started. I was a little concerned about going to anger management, or a councelor because I wasnt sure if it was really that bad. Perhaps I was waiting for someone else to say it, but it is something I will look into now. I forgot to mention that on top of the distance, she works a night shift on the east coast, and I work day on the west coast. Our time is so thrown off. Yesterday we facetimed for a good 5 hours, and that was really nice. I will try and tone down my vocabulary and see if that works. Thanks again for all the great advice.