Almost broke up.. did I overreact or?

[septerra]

The past three months, I've been having some issues with my relationship, mostly communication (of course) she takes forever to respond to my texts/calls. I visit her once every 3-4 weeks.

Anyways, i visited her town on friday, and we exchanged gifts for valentines. the next morning, took her to breakfast, and i was exhausted so i didnt talk much. anyway, she was in a rush to get home before work, so as i was walking to her bus stop, she gave me a quick hug goodbye, like she was just hugging a friend.

As she was about to walk away, i said "wait, gimmee a kiss goodbye." she replied "i gave you a hug, is that not good enough for you?" she stepped on the bus and i was speechless. i cant believe she actually said that. i spent the next few hours trying to see why somebody that cares about me would say that. maybe i shouldv texted her. who knows.. but even if she was in a rush, thats just unacceptable. so after she got off work, we met up at the diner and she asked what was wrong. *she was in such a happy mood to see me


**DIAGLOG:

ME: "i felt disrespected earlier. i know u were in a rush, but how can you say something like that to somebody you care about. i never imagined that a little line like that would have so much impact on me, but it made me feel terrible." i was tearing up my, so i stepped away so she wouldnt see

SHE: "im sorry baby, i didnt think it would offend you." " *she tries to hug me, but i resist

ME: the past week we didnt even talk, so im just emotional now. sometimes its the little things that effect us the most.. BUT sometimes i feel like this is really hard you understand?."

SHE: I know, your right. im sorry!! *she tries to hug me again, but i resist again

ME: I just might need to think about whats going wrong, you know?

SHE: Sorry, what are you saying, sweety? i didnt think that would bother you, so if u can forgive me. You should have called or texted me. Please don't cry

ME: I don't know.

SHE: *tries to change subject and make a joke about the arcade nearby

HE: Babe, we just gotta about this for a sec. like seriously. not time for giggles.

SHE: I knowww, im just trying to lighten the mood.

HE: Yeah, we'll lets focus and talk this through first.

SHE: How much time to you need to think about it, a few hours, a few days, a week?

ME: ...

SHE: Do you want to breakup?

ME: ....

SHE: If you want to break up, just tell me.

ME: ...... Let's find somewhere quiet where we can sit and try to figure out stuff

*leave to building nearby

HER: If you want to breakup just let me know.

ME: Sometimes, i feel like im not sure if were on the same page, like im dragging this relationship.. and, this stuff has been on my mind recently, but i really really care about you and want this to work. but i feel like im not sure if you do..

HER: I do care about you. and we are on the same page. i feel like you were overanalyzing what i said earlier

ME: ...... why havent u tell you parents about us?

HER: I'm just not ready to tell them yet..

ME: ...

HER: What do u want to do?

ME: I want to be with you. a lot of things have been on my mind recently

HER: I see, but remember, that i'm not that emotional. i told u when we first starting dating. your more in touch with your emotions than i am, so were opposites in that area

ME: yeah.. i might have overanalyzed this whole thing. but i do want to be with you.

HER: *holds hands

ME: Lets go see a movie

HER: OK sweety we will talk about this tomorrow ok?



What do you guys think? Despite all the previous threads on lack of communication, i still really care about her a lot. and shes gonna visit me next month for a week. my question is, did i overreact somehow, or should i have handled it differently?

[stephanieaz]

Based on the information you've given us, I don't think she's ready for a commitment. Not being "in touch" with her feelings is one thing... My fiance and I are pretty opposite when it comes to that too. I'm highly emotional and he's more logical, but we still make it work. She seems really immature. :/ I think the fact that she kept bringing up breaking up, is not a good sign. It doesn't seem like she's put very much into your relationship. I understand that you care about her, but I really think you can find someone more on your level.

[ThePiedPiper]

To be fair, it did sound like the precursor to a break-up. I was reading it thinking I was surprised you were doing the breaking-up and not her until I got to your "..." reaction. That said, I agree with the above poster. She doesn't sound like she's ready for a commitment with you and you're holding on to something she's shown is unlikely to happen. She doesn't seem at all to regret her issues with communication or want to fix them, so you can either deal with that and stop trying to talk things out with her, or you can break-up with her. My opinion is do the latter because that's what she wants, anyway, unfortunately, or at least she's showing all the signs of wanting it. :/

I wouldn't normally say someone in your position overreacted, but in your case, I'm going to say that yes, you overreacted. You overreacted because this is who she is and who she's been since you started coming to LFAD. Eventually you have to stop being so surprised when she pulls something like this and stop bringing it up to her because at this point, she's made it clear that if anyone changes, it's not going to be her. Either you deal with how she is now and stop pressuring her to tell everyone, or you leave. I don't agree that she shouldn't be the one to change but over and over again, she's decided she's not willing to. At this point, you either accept the hugs and no kiss at the bus stop, or you end it, because she's only going to keep you in limbo and worry only about her own needs.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

ME: the past week we didnt even talk, so im just emotional now.

Having posted on your other thread, and seen how upset you were at her lack of communication with you, this really frustrated me. You've undermined yourself. You used her behaviour as a scapegoat for you being upset, rather than addressing it as the issue that's causing you upset in the first place. If communication was so important to you, WHY didn't you talk about it? You've focused on the wrong issue - the kiss. I understand how it would upset you, but in the scheme of things, what's aggravating you more on a day-to-day basis with the distance is her feeling like it's acceptable to not speak for a week. I don't think it's really the kiss that upset you. I think that if you weren't upset over her lack of communication, you'd not have taken the kiss to heart. I DON'T believe it's the little things that affect you the most, I think it's the massive gulf between the ways that you behave in relationships and your differing expectations of how you should behave.

In terms of what other people are saying, I agree. She's her own person, she's happy doing what she's doing, and if that's not the kind of relationship YOU want, YOU need to say you want out. The thing is, she doesn't have a problem. She seems happy and contented in her own behaviour. She doesn't have an issue with it. And if that's the kind of relationship she wants, she's entitled to that just as much as you're entitled to a relationship with someone who wants to be more emotional and communicative.

Another thing, you said to her "I don't feel like we're on the same page", and she responded "we are". Did you explain which page you're on? How can she know she's on the same page as you if you don't tell her what's on your page? It's all well and good saying she is, but if you don't tell her what your expectations are, how can you expect her to meet them? I think a lot of your conversation with her didn't actually say anything that you're thinking. For example, when she said "You should have called or texted me", you should have told her that you'd appreciate it if she did it first once in a while, because it'd make you feel good. You didn't. So how's she going to know that you'd like that?

I think what you have to do is either accept that this is her behaviour, she's happy doing it and until SHE personally finds fault with it, she's unlikely to change it. Or, move on and find someone whose behaviour fits what you want in a partner better.

[septerra]

Thanks a lot guys,

At this point, you either accept the hugs and no kiss at the bus stop, or you end it, because she's only going to keep you in limbo and worry only about her own needs.

why would this girl need keep me "in limbo," is this fun for her?

If communication was so important to you, WHY didn't you talk about it? You've focused on the wrong issue - the kiss. I understand how it would upset you, but in the scheme of things, what's aggravating you more on a day-to-day basis with the distance is her feeling like it's acceptable to not speak for a week. I don't think it's really the kiss that upset you. I think that if you weren't upset over her lack of communication, you'd not have taken the kiss to heart.

Good point.. i did mention the lack of communication in the discussion, but i probably should have focused on that to get better understanding of commitment.
Im actually gonna call her today and talk to her about our expectation, because as crazy as it seems, i want to try to make this work.. i dont know if this because i fear being alone or if its a something in my brain. i know that i care about her more than she cares about me, but the fact that we made it this far makes me feel like there might be something worth fighting for.

this is my first relationship, so that might be the reason why im still trying to hold on to this. i know that the longer i wait, the more difficult it will be to let go. i still have this hope.. like we were meant to be together and work this out.

i've thought about this long and hard and listed the pros and cons, but i just cant seem to let this go. i havent told her that i love her or anything, but i really cant imagine being without her. i focus on many things in my life, like school, work, friends, and hobbies, but at the end of the day, i think about her and want to see how far we can go.

its like either i give up hope, or keep hoping things work out for the best; false hope?

i know that sometimes its hard to figure out if one should breakup or not.. my happiness is not dependent on this relationship, but when we have good times, it reinforces my happiness. I want this to work so bad that my brain is trying to rationalize this and give me hope. this is like a drug. i want this even though its probably bad for me.

#stillconfused

[ThePiedPiper]

Not because it's fun for her but because it's where she's at. I mean it could be that she enjoys the power she derives from stringing nice boys along, but to me it more seems like you both want two separate things out of a relationship. You want a girl who sings to the heavens that you're her boyfriend, and she wants something (or seems to want something) more casual and low key. She doesn't seem as big on physical or verbal affection. She's content to go without communicating for a week. She's happy to have a boyfriend when she snaps her fingers and to shut you off when she doesn't feel like having one. She's less committed than you are and that's why you're in limbo, because you both want something entirely different out of this relationship.

There's a reason first relationships don't always work out. You're not going to change her so stop trying, because you've tried frequently for a while now, unless I'm mistaken. Either get used to the way she is (how she is now) or don't, but I think you're going to only push her further away the more you try and get her to conform to what you want her to be, which she's clearly expressed not wanting to be.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

this is my first relationship, so that might be the reason why im still trying to hold on to this. i know that the longer i wait, the more difficult it will be to let go. i still have this hope.. like we were meant to be together and work this out.

i've thought about this long and hard and listed the pros and cons, but i just cant seem to let this go.

All I'd say is don't let what you want her to be like cloud your judgement about how she really is.

[Irina_Linn]

i remember your previous threads and i thought you are breaking up.honestly,ishe reminds me of that girl from Raisins in South park,where Butters is desperate for her and all he hears back is "hey sweety well sure i do care,come to the Raisins to see me".sorry for such comparison,i just honestly wish you are happy and she doesnt seem to treat you in a way you deserve

[kikidee]

I'm not sure if you are with the right person. I honestly get the feeling that she isn't all too worried or caring about this relationship. I know this because this sounds a lot like a past relationship of mine, although I was the less emotional one. When I started to realize the relationship wasn't what I wanted anymore (i realized he wasnt the one for me) if he got upset with me I would tell him if he didn't like it he should find someone else. If a girl is talking about breaking up so calmly like that, it means it might be on their mind too. I feel like a negative nancy right now, but honestly I just felt a connection with this story.