your SO past relationships

[eltellez07]

I couldn't think of a better title for the question that I have. My SO is a few years older than I am and has a 2 year old son with his ex. They had been together for about 8 years and then fell apart after he made his mistake. After all that they managed to become good friends for the sake of their son. Now I don't have a problem with him still talkin to his ex (that would be very selfish of me) because I understand that they have a son together. I like the idea that his little boy will grow up to know that mom and dad are still good friends and can talk with each other.

Now recently he told her that he was seeing someone (me) but not giving her more details than that. He just wanted to clarify that with her and she took it hard. So now she's kinda stalking his FB and making him feel bad for everything his posts...making him feel guilty for moving on when she hasn't been able to. I'm just wondering what advice anyone could give me so I can be supportive of my SO .

[LadyMarchHare]

My cousin's in a similar situation, only she's in the role of the ex and her daughter's father is the creeper. They lived together for two years, she ended up pregnant and halfway through the pregnancy he kicked her out his house because he was seeing someone else, but wanted to be in the child's life. Their daughter was given his last name out of respect though she has her mother's middle name. Things were OK until he introduces a new woman into his life. All of a sudden he's fighting for sole custody because both he and this chick have jobs and at the time my cousin was unemployed and trying to find her 'place' in the job world. He knocks this new girl up, they have a shotgun wedding so that not only can they justify HER pregnancy to her parents (who own the town next to Baton Rouge, no lie) but so they have MORE ground to try and take the kid. Now that Emma, the child, has started kindergarten they've had fights because her stepmother believes she is a better mother than my cousin and because she isn't 'white trash' (her family thinks we're backwater trailer trash and Emma's father's family came purely out of incest so he isn't allowed to see his family anymore) she can provide a better future for her. Basically it's a situation I wouldn't wish on any kid, not only because I know what it's like to go through joint custody and two homes, but psycho women my dad dated. I actually haven't spoken to my stepmother since my father died, she hates me that much.

That aside, it's a hard situation to walk into because there's a chance you could end up being a step-parent. Which, really isn't that bad you just tend to walk on eggshells because you're not technically the kid's parent but you're still an adult who can be treated at least like a relative. As for the ex, someone needs to tell her to grow up. When you have a kid, you don't come first anymore. If it's gonna affect the kid badly, don't do it, and what she's doing is setting up a situation where her bitterness is going to rub off on the boy and she's either going to influence how he sees his daddy or it's going to put strain on him because he can't figure out why mommy is so angry at daddy. My dad pulled the same stuff when my mom left him when I was 6. He badmouthed her every chance he got and even 'trained' me right after the divorce to tell people my mother was a lesbian and that's why she left him, when it wasn't.

None of this is your SO's fault. You're obviously a sweet woman who wouldn't intentionally hurt the kid or the situation they're all in so he hasn't made the bad choice here. His ex needs to move on with her life, put her son first, and either find a guy who's as nice to her as you are to your SO or get over it. Like I said, it's potential destructive behavior with the kid in the picture. Help him be strong and perhaps be the one to tell her to get the pacifier out her mouth.

[Čternity]

It's a tough situation to be in as I'm in this situation as well. It is a very delicate tightrope to walk. I would ask him how he wants you to be supportive. He may just want you to do what you have been doing already and not get involved in this. He may feel he has it handled and is going to have a talk in person with her about the FB comments. If they are on speaking terms which they seem to be. It's always better to ask them how they want you to help them deal with it in the first place, if at all. pm me if you want to talk.

[eltellez07]

Thank you for the kind advice. We've actually talked about waitin for me to meet his son....this is somewhat my doing. I want to be sure that this is a relationship is going to be a serious one just because I don't like toying with kids emotions and state of mind. I will ask him how I can be supportive of him though I hadn't really thought of it but it's definitely something that I'll be doing more of. So far from what he's been telling me she generally just argues with him over the phone but it's nothing irrational. She's just more hurt than angry that he's managed to move on with his life while she's still stuck in the past. I would love for her to move on just because I don't want my SO's baby to grow up with bitter parents...and I think they both understand that. Hopefully with time things will smooth out and she'll be able to accept it and move on.