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**kittyo9** · February 26, 2013, 09:57 AM

I would like to see something that emphasizes that LDRs are like normal relationships, not something mystical, devastating, or "only for the strong." I think a combination of one or two couples + linking the experience to experts (if you can find experts) with small snippets of user generated content, maybe, would be an effective means of communicating your study.

As for your questions, some of my answers will be very different from others because I met my SO online, whereas other couples met in person and then went LD. I will be speaking from the experience of meeting and dating someone online.

Is there anything good about being in a LDR?
I think having met online and being in an LDR really gives you the opportunity to get to know your partner without the limitations and biases, internalized or not, normally presented when meeting someone in person. You know what I'm talking about, and I'm going to talk openly about it now: some people just can't get past the physical, and that has been a road block to dating for many people, myself included, because we're too fat, too short, too shy. I have been excluded from dating pools because of my size thanks to this lovely stigma that fat people (fat women, in particular) are gross. I think this is why a lot of people try to turn to online dating sites, because it's not worth it to go through the time and effort of dating 70 people who won't be in a relationship with you because you're fat (despite all your other qualities) to find one who loves you for who you are. I didn't do this, though-- I met my SO playing an online game we both played.

It gives everyone, physical limitations or not, a chance to get to know each other much better, as you are more likely to be honest about your feelings and intentions when communicating via text. In that sense, it also kind of accelerates the getting-to-know-you process and forces you to confront your issues early on.

How are you using technology to help you?
We rely heavily on the internet for communication, since we're an international couple. We can't text or call because it's crazy expensive, and he can't afford a smart phone. We met on the internet, we talk on the internet (skype and messenger), we play games on the internet, we share interests with the internet... it's all about the internet and computers for us.

What don't you like about it (of course distance / lack of personal touch etc) but is there anything else apart from the physical separation?
I can't say I'm a fan of US visa and immigration services. I also hate the stigma around my relationship and when people treat me like my relationship isn't real. I hate when people feel the need to comment on it like, "How do you know he's not cheating on you?" "Don't you get... urges?" "It will never work, LDRs just don't work." "My friend was in an LDR and they broke up after 2 years."

I'm sorry, do CD relationships work out 100% of the time, or were your last 5 relationships/breakups just not real?

Why are you even in a LDR?
Because I love him and we happened to be placed in different hemispheres.

Do you feel its a real relationship? Maybe you haven't spent so much time together (like myself), so are you're looking through "rose tinted glasses" about this person?
In my opinion, that's a very silly question. Yes, it's a real relationship, why shouldn't it be? You can be "looking through rose-tinted glasses" in person just as much as LD, but my relationship is and always has been as real as any other. This is why I want to see something that focuses on how normal LDRs are-- it combats the stigma that LDRs are fake relationships, that you can't love another person you've never "met" in person, that you can't be faithful to someone you've only been with once, that you can't possibly feel satisfied in an LDR.

**charly** · February 26, 2013, 10:59 AM

I think showing little parts on different couples would give the nicest effect, because giving people a view in other lives give the most honest image. Aside from that it also shows that long distance is just as real as any other relationship. No one ever told me my relationship was fake (okay, one guy did once, but he wanted to get in my pants, do doesn't really count for me), but I am aware that a lot of people who met their SO's online often have to deal with this kind of prejudices.

Is there anything good about being in a LDR?
Well, yes. you HAVE to talk and communicate, LDR is simply impossible otherwise. As a result you get to know your partner very well. Or like kitty said very well: 'It gives everyone, physical limitations or not, a chance to get to know each other much better, as you are more likely to be honest about your feelings and intentions when communicating via text. In that sense, it also kind of accelerates the getting-to-know-you process and forces you to confront your issues early on.'

Me and Marcus met in real life, so we were attracted to each other for our looks. (this sounds little weird, think i'm saying this wrong) Anyways, what I'm trying to say that for people who meet online, you often like each other first because of intelligence or way of talking, humor etc. That is quite a big difference I think between online and real life meeting.

How are you using technology to help you?
For me and Marcus computers and our smartphones are really important. We use whatsapp to communicate during the day, and use skype during the evenings. Without skype we would surely not have lasted 1,5 years, I wouldn't be able to wait for letters or emails. Or not see him for a couple of weeks, or not hear his voice on regular basis. Our first month LD was without these devises. HORRIBLE!

What don't you like about it (of course distance / lack of personal touch etc) but is there anything else apart from the physical separation?
Well, same at Kittyo9 mentioned. People are first to shout that long distance doesn't work, but forget that CD doesn't always work out either. Like mentioned before, not many people around me think this way. My friends, parents and even new people I meet at uni see it as any other relationship, but they always mention how impressed they are I manage. So it might be nice if you show 'the normal side of LDR'. We have those television programs that make it all look weird, exotic and full of trouble, but a lot of people have to deal with it some point in their life. Especially when going to uni.

Luckily I have no trouble with visa, since me and my SO are both in Europe.

Why are you even in a LDR?
Well, shit happens?

I love him, and I think it's worth it.

Do you feel its a real relationship? Maybe you haven't spent so much time together (like myself), so are you're looking through "rose tinted glasses" about this person?
Yup it's real. Met him in Sweden, moved in with him when my job there ended, and started as any other relationship, except that I flew back to Holland 4 weeks later. In total we have spend about an half year living together, which is more than most new CD couples can say. I think that LDR forces you to have a lot of communication, which gives you pretty quick a clue if you work together.

Goodluck

**Black_Halloween** · February 26, 2013, 11:54 AM

Just throwing out ideas: I think it would be great to get many different perspectives, the happiness of being together...the sadness of being apart as well as the stigma that comes with LDRs. Maybe you can do a montage of interviewing people on the street to get different opinions? You could also contact various you tubers who've documented their first meetings to see if you can use their videos for your documentary.

Is there anything good about being in a LDR?
Of course, we defiantly have to learn how to communicate better (and faster) than people in CDRs because sometimes technology can be deceiving. Also, (for people who meet online like Daniel and I) you get attracted to their mind first. Like the two girls above me have stated, sometimes people who are CDR just can't get past the physical aspect in a relationship or that's all the relationship is based on. Being in an LDR, its much more than physical and you're basically forced to communicate or the relationship will fall apart.

How are you using technology to help you?
Before Daniel was able to get his own cell phone all we had was yahoo messenger (I think skype hates me). It was hard...really hard but we got through it okay. Now that he has a cell phone, we're usually doing two phone calls a day plus texting and messenger. I am glued to my phone, I always have it charged and its always where I'll be able to hear it if he calls. Without it I think we'd go nuts!

What don't you like about it (of course distance / lack of personal touch etc) but is there anything else apart from the physical separation?
I don't like the stigma behind LDRs, that "It can't be a real relationship" or "How can you love him if he's far away?". It takes a special kind of person to be able to handle being in an LDR. Also...personally for me I always get the "How can you be in love if you've never met?" speech and it stings. Some people just don't understand and its up to us to prove everybody else wrong.

Do you feel its a real relationship? Maybe you haven't spent so much time together (like myself), so are you're looking through "rose tinted glasses" about this person?
Of course its real, its just like any other relationship...but we live far away from each other. Daniel and I met online in a chat room and honestly from the first night we met I knew there was a strong connection between us. I hadn't even seen a picture of him yet but I knew. I'm not wrong so far

We have been together for two years and our first meeting is next month (lack of funds).

Why are you even in a LDR?
Because I love him, end of story.

**summerkid** · February 26, 2013, 12:12 PM

For me, it was an eye opener. I never reaized how many people actually are in LDR's all over the world. From my own life, from this forum etc. And i think that's great and it's like a huge middle finger to every movie, magazine, radio broadcast, person or whatever else who will have us believe that a relationship has to be a certain way, that people love superficially, that needs are needs and they can't ever be overcome, and that if you are not there they will cheat on you.

And yeah.. people should know. There is no right or real way to have a relationship or to meet somone. And that if you fight for it , it can be done. It doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't have to be easy but if you love a person and if you 've chosen that person you stick to your choice and make it happen. I also find it very inspirational. If two people half a globe from eachother can make it, so can you, regardless whether your SO is there or 10.000 miles away.

**Alsfia** · February 26, 2013, 12:14 PM

I would love to have something to show people around me to help explain that a LDR is a relationship like any other, just with a lot more communication :P I too met my SO online but I didn't dare to tell anyone about him before he came here, when I had to include my parents (or my mum, since she's the one "wearing the pants" at home xD ) in order for him to have somewhere to stay. My friends didn't find out about him before I was about to go visit him, and then I got scoldings for not telling them, whilst if I had I would've got all that "how do you know he's who he says he is", "how can you know what you really feel when you don't even know him" crap... Got side tracked there but I agree with the others, I think that looking into several couples' lives (not necessarily 5...) would help to point out that it's not at all unusual with LDRs.

Is there anything good about being in a LDR?
Except for the communication mentioned here earlier I feel like you really appreciate eachother so much more when you finally get to spend time together. Also, in international relationships, I think you generally get more open minded since you end up learning about a new culture (and language, in some cases) in a very unique way.
I also agree that, in cases of meeting online, people really get a chance to show they're personality.
Oh, and while studying, it is defenitely easier to keep concentrated knowing there's no way in hell you can see eachother in an eternity anyway so you might as well do your best with this :P

How are you using technology to help you?
I have a hard time thinking we would make it without Skype, especially not after we met offline. We could text, or call, but it really gets expensive, and there's no substitute for video calls really. Sometimes we use google video too, but it's not as reliable I find.
I bought a smartphone in the middle of the term since I got so sick and tired of not being able to have any kind of contact with him while in school or at work. We have had quite long intervalls compared to summer in easter and spring since we both are at school, and it really gets to me atleast and I end up annoyed and less talkative than normally if we don't communicate during the day :P 0=) We use WhatsApp and Avocado a lot, and we play Wordfeud almost every day... It helps to feel closer to eachother while I get to practise my vocabulary (and let me tell you, it feels GREAT when I beat him :P )

What don't you like about it (of course distance / lack of personal touch etc) but is there anything else apart from the physical separation?
What I hate is when you don't know when you will next see eachother again. If you have no set date or even a year of when to close the distance, it also feels like a dark endless tunnel sometimes with no end. Appart from that I hate not knowing what is going on as much as I'd like to, and before I got to know his family better I was always terrified that if something happened I wouldn't know.
The travelling really gets to you, airports are always stressful (atleast to me) and it takes time to earn enough to afford the tickets. I'm really lucky I get to stay with him and his family, makes the costs a bit less, but I can seldom stay as long as I want to, due to school or whatever. Atleast I don't have to bother with visas or anything

I also got the question "how can you trust him to not cheat on you, date other girls ect ect" and it really hurt. I can get rather defensive sometimes about people I care about and I got really hurt and pissed to be honest. It really hurts when people assume that just because you can't be with eachother physically you can't take it and have to cheat, or give up on the commitment and just be friends.

Why are you even in a LDR?
Because the only thing I don't love about my SO is his current address

Do you feel its a real relationship? Maybe you haven't spent so much time together (like myself), so are you're looking through "rose tinted glasses" about this person?
It's defenitely a real relationship. I wasn't able to concider it a real relationship before we actually had met, but now I often feel that our relationship is more real than many CDRs I see around me.
By now we have spent a fair amount of time together, but looking back I don't think I looked so much at my SO with rose tinted glasses, more on the whole situation with bery dusty glasses :P It was really hard seeing other couples around me and knowing my SO was 1,800 miles away, probably feeling the exact same way, when we couldn't be all soppy and annoying to everyone else. Most of the time it feels like due to the lack of physical presence we haven't been together more than a month (some days it feels like a week), while the amount of communicating makes it feel like we've if not dated, then atleast known eachother for five years.

Good luck and keep us updated

**floridaellen** · February 26, 2013, 08:47 PM

I think it would be interesting to see a few different types of long distance relationships because each have their own challenges. I would include a couple that started close distance and became long distance, an extremely long distance couple, and then a "short" long distance couple.

Would you like it focused on one couple but linking to the subjects and experts around it?
A few couples. I think having a few couples describe the different aspects of their relationships would be extremely interesting. I think a question and answer format about the different positives and negatives of being in a long distance relationship would be beneficial.

Is there anything good about being in a LDR?
Absolutely. Being in a LDR has forced me to become independent. We started off close distance and I relied on him a little too much. Being long distance has allowed me to blossom as an individual while still having his support.

How are you using technology to help you?
We text throughout the day and then talk on the phone at night. We Skype rarely. Without technology our relationship would be a lot more difficult to maintain.

What don't you like about it (of course distance / lack of personal touch etc) but is there anything else apart from the physical separation?
Traveling is expensive! My wallet definitely suffers due to my LDR, although it is worth every penny.

Why are you even in a LDR?
My relationship started off close distance. When I moved, we broke up. We then got back together. We loved each other too much to let the distance win.

Do you feel its a real relationship? Maybe you haven't spent so much time together (like myself), so are you're looking through "rose tinted glasses" about this person?
I definitely think my relationship is real. I don't believe I am looking through rose tinted glasses - we began close distance and now spend about half of the year with each other. Trust me, I know almost everything there is to know about this kid! :P

**AshleyC** · February 27, 2013, 08:53 AM

Hi guys I am having technical trouble replying to you all (i did try but it thinks I am spamming) BUT thanks a lot for the replies i have read them!!! Nice!!!

**AshleyC** · February 27, 2013, 09:53 AM

Some great points!

Well thank you again, there were some great ideas there. The two common themes which you all bring up are the normality of this and the communication aspect. Before i joined this forum i didn't believe it was normal, i felt i was on my own. Summerkid hit the nail on the head there by saying we are all told what a relationship should be like and so ldr's are not workable and this forum/site is telling us the opposite so that is something to focus on

Online relationships (like mine) all stress the fact that communication has played an amazing part (maybe more so than CDR's) again another point to focus on.

Blackhelloween, good point on the you tubers..i will ask my tutors on that (nice!)
Floridaellen, thanks for your template idea, i may use that

Kitty thanks for the post!

Keep your ideas coming not only is this personally great for meeee but its a lot of fun too!

**ThePiedPiper** · February 27, 2013, 11:24 AM

I want to throw out my opinion on the issue of normality. Maybe I'm wrong, but when we say normality, I don't think we mean so much "normal" as in "this is the norm and everyone's dating LD nowadays." I believe when we say normality, most of us mean that our relationship isn't any different than Ben's and Katie's down the street. People have the tendency to either stigmatize LDRs, romanticize them or see people who do them as being "special." Sometimes people become guilty of pedestalizing their own LDRs; obviously their relationship must be stronger because their best friend's relationship wouldn't last CD, or obviously they have to have better communicatory skills or higher levels of trust and therefore the relationship is somehow superior. Some people here might still be under that impression and in the end, what it comes down to, is everyone's different.

Every relationship is unique and being LD is unique, but it does not require its own special set of skills. It does move faster in the sense if you start dating soon after meeting, you don't necessarily have the same leniency with building trust as in a CDR because you're LD and need that trust a lot sooner based on the circumstances you're in, but that doesn't mean LDRs automatically promote greater senses of trust or that trust is more important to a LDR than a CDR. I think what some of us mean by normality is that our LDRs are the exact same as anyone else's CDRs; we just happen or have happened to be in separate places, or life has put us in an unavoidable LD situation. I think too many people either decide LDRs aren't real or that they're more real than CDRs based on the situation and I have to say, long-distance relationships are relationships and there's nothing "weird" or glorifying about them. I would like to see something that shows they're like having a relationship any other day, with a few more hurdles.

**AshleyC** · February 27, 2013, 02:06 PM

Thanks TPP. For me personally I can say that I truly got to know Yoko first before we dated, i helped her through tough times as a friend first, then i wrote her a lovely song to help cheer her up when she was feeling blue (AshleyCowanMusic on you tube, i can't post links here) and we just got closer and closer through text and Skype until it formed into a relationship, now its going very well. The method of communication for me was the major fact in all of this, we were forced to talk and be honest and very open! I know everyone is different and i take on board your points and maybe it was just the right time in both of our lives but for some reason I felt closer to her than anyone else i have met..who knows :P

Now its time to go out and play some guitar!!

Anyway..more research is needed!!!

Thanks for your input!

**ThePiedPiper** · February 27, 2013, 02:27 PM

Originally posted by AshleyC View Post

Thanks TPP. For me personally I can say that I truly got to know Yoko first before we dated, i helped her through tough times as a friend first, then i wrote her a lovely song to help cheer her up when she was feeling blue (AshleyCowanMusic on you tube, i can't post links here) and we just got closer and closer through text and Skype until it formed into a relationship, now its going very well. The method of communication for me was the major fact in all of this, we were forced to talk and be honest and very open! I know everyone is different and i take on board your points and maybe it was just the right time in both of our lives but for some reason I felt closer to her than anyone else i have met..who knows :P

Now its time to go out and play some guitar!!

Anyway..more research is needed!!!

Thanks for your input!

I guess my point is by saying you're closer to her because of the distance, you're basically saying you wouldn't love her if you weren't LD. You got to know her because you spent time with her, as you would have if you were CD, but the process was sped up because of the circumstances of being LD; doesn't mean you wouldn't still feel for her if you met her in your town. For me, with my ex, I would have loved him had I met him CD.

I loved who he was and who he was wouldn't have changed whether he was American or Irish. The closeness and connection I had with him had nothing to do with how close we were or how we met. It had to do with who he was and who I was and the fact that, at the time of our relationship, we meshed better than I have with anyone. Although our relationship ended, I am still not ready to date because I want to be sure I can establish that same connection with someone in the future and that will take time getting to know that person. That's what I meant, so hopefully that clarified!

**AshleyC** · February 27, 2013, 08:17 PM

I have an Irish passport (London Irish) Irish rock!! :P LOL!!

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