Easier to be the one ahead or behind?

[lucybelle]

I guess I don't understand why it has to be a contest.

[kayla_622]

I guess I don't understand why it has to be a contest.

I don't think its necessarily a contest. I guess its all relative. If you are several hours behind your SO you may think that sucks more but I guess you have to wonder how your SO feels too. Maybe they feel the same way? They may think all they do is wake up, go to work, come home, talk to you for a bit (if they can) and go to bed. They probably wish they could stay up with you all night some nights but, the time difference keeps them from doing that.

I feel like I'm coming to a realization while typing this. lol! You just have to try to put yourself in your SO's shoes and look at it from their perspective.

[Jezah]

Its not a contest, and I do have hobbies thank you. In fact half the reason it sucks is that I have a very busy life on weekends when my friends/family are around off work and so all we have is the work week which is really hard due to time differences. I am not making this a pissing contest, I just wanted to see others opinions since IMHO my SO doesn't understand or sympathize about how badly the time difference sucks for me. For him, he gets up, goes to work, comes home from work and talks to me/watches movies with me and his buddies on skype/plays games with me until he goes to bed...rinse repeat. Me, I get up and maybe have a few clients (I am a dog trainer) during the day taking up all of 3-4 hours and then I occupy myself cleaning, watching TV/movies, playing games until he gets home and we get a few hours if lucky before he goes to bed and I go back to occupying myself missing him. So yea, it sucks more for me and he has a distinct lack of compassion for me on that front

[Moon]

Its not a contest, and I do have hobbies thank you. In fact half the reason it sucks is that I have a very busy life on weekends when my friends/family are around off work and so all we have is the work week which is really hard due to time differences. I am not making this a pissing contest, I just wanted to see others opinions since IMHO my SO doesn't understand or sympathize about how badly the time difference sucks for me. For him, he gets up, goes to work, comes home from work and talks to me/watches movies with me and his buddies on skype/plays games with me until he goes to bed...rinse repeat. Me, I get up and maybe have a few clients (I am a dog trainer) during the day taking up all of 3-4 hours and then I occupy myself cleaning, watching TV/movies, playing games until he gets home and we get a few hours if lucky before he goes to bed and I go back to occupying myself missing him. So yea, it sucks more for me and he has a distinct lack of compassion for me on that front

Jezah, telling you to get a hobby was a suggestion for ANYONE in our LDR situation, not an insult to you personally, don't be so damn defensive all of the time If you'd just stop insisting on playing the victim with everything, maybe you could start finding clarity and purpose. Jeez. You come here for help, but drive anyone who tries having sympathy with you away, why?

[LilyChiba]

I honestly don't find being ahead sucks at all. In fact, it allows for more freedom. I normally say goodnight to my SO around 5-7pm. On the rare, 8-10pm. Which means he stays up into the wee hours of the morning (not that I haven't told him multiple times to go to bed earlier in the last years). But instead of looking to it as missing your SO, look to it as having some time each day to yourself to chill out and do what you want apart from him. I normally do everything I can't do when he is on, because I don't want to part from our time. Watch stuff, research things I couldn't concentrate on or even head out/do errands/cook dinner. There's nothing wrong with missing your SO, but be grateful you are one of the people that get to talk to him as much as you do. Not everyone is as lucky as that. I'm one of the few very lucky people who works just enough to keep myself covered right now and gets most days with him, all day. So yeah. Whilst on some days its sucks, there's no point being upset every night that he has to go. At least he is getting good sleep!

[lucybelle]

I think comparing time differences is like comparing jobs. My SO and I have very different jobs. I would be highly upset if he ever mentioned how my job is so much easier because of whatever reasons. Just like I know he would be upset if I said anything about his. They're both difficult in their own ways, we both put lots of time and energy into doing our jobs well. There's no reason to try to figure out who is the bigger martyr.

I get that someone would be upset if their SO didn't understand what kind of sacrifices they make for the relationship, but it doesn't need to turn into "who makes the bigger sacrifice".

[squeeker]

My SO is 8 hours ahead of me. I can understand the pain of being the one behind.. but I was also lucky because before my SO starting university, he would stay up late to talk to me. I think it was worse for him before because he wasn't as busy during the day, whereas I had a part time job.

With my SO starting university, I have had more days where I don't get to talk to him that much and have to say good night to him early. We struggle to keep a routine because of changes so it sort of alternates who it's worse for. :P

Now that he has university, he's had to be better with his sleeping, though it's hard for him, especially since he just had a week off school and then he was sick this week so it's thrown his routine and he's trying to get back into sleeping at a good time. I remember getting anxious for him because I felt bad when he had to stay up to talk to me. But then I also liked it because I got to talk to him. Though when he's sleeping, it's easier if I have a lot to do or get done. But I have had some of those nights where I really just wish I could talk to him. But I think your SO should be more understanding.. even if there isn't anything he can do to stay up later. It is hard for both people. And I'm guessing because it's like that for you two all the time, it just built up inside you that he didn't understand and that's why you posted. It's okay.

It's normal to miss the one you love. It's probably easier for him right now because he has more things going on in his day that takes up his time and then he talks to you.. it's hardest I think for the person who is the least busy because they have more time to focus on their SO and miss their presence.. there are less distractions when you're less busy.

[Sora1101]

Well being my SO is only 2-3 hours ahead of me depending on daylight savings (lucky me Arizona never changes) it's about the same. My SO I think is the luckier one because he works the night shift job and he's a night owl kind of person so he'll stay up to 1am my time and even then I'm whining I want to sleep! xD this means he tends to sleep in till about 11am my time so I pretty much spend my whole morning without him and then catch him for one or two hours before he has to go to work. I guess I'm trying to say he's the lucky one because he's never without my contact unless he's at work and even then I still answer him when he sneaks the occasional text.

[leah_c]

I totally know how you feel. I'm in Minnesota and he's in England. He's 6 hours ahead of me and he goes to bed around 10pm every night (4pm my time). Sometimes I find myself going through the evening on auto-pilot on the weekends cause I would love to do stuff and talk online with my SO. But I think he has a hard time too when I go to work during the week. I work evenings (until 10pm), so I leave around 12pm Mon-Thurs and it's 6pm over there. So I bet he has the same issue going through the evening being bored. I know when I tell him I have to leave he's always like "stupid time" or "stupid work". In return when he has to log off I get a little sad, but even he says "it's that time again. Stupid need for sleep." lol.

So I think it's hard on both parties. Sure, we can have certain days that are better than others, when we have busy schedules it's harder. But I have to agree that the time difference is the hardest. Most days we get to talk 1-3 hours a day maybe, sometimes more on the weekend. But if his work schedule falls during my mornings I don't get to talk to him at all and we just leave messages for each other.

I guess you just need to really talk to your SO about how both of you feel. I mean explain to him that you aren't trying to complain or be mad at him for the time difference. Just express that he means so much to you that you are expressing that you care. Maybe it came across wrong.

I hope it works out for you.

[rawrimolivia]

So, I had an argument with my SO just now (what else is new) about the time difference. He, I guess, is mad that every time he needs to go to bed I seem "wounded" (his words) and that he wants me to stop. Keep in mind, his is in England and I am in the eastern US so our time diff is 5 hours...meaning he wants to get to bed at 11pm his time and that is 6pm my time. Yes, on this shift of work he needs to get up early but we also get MORE time since he talks to me when he gets home from work at 2pm his time....it doesn't change that saying goodnight to your boyfriend at 6 pm sucks some serious crap balls.

So to the topic in the subject line...what do you think sucks more? The one who is behind and has their SO go to bed at 6 pm and has a entire evening of boredom ahead of them, or the one who is ahead and maybe misses a few hours with them in the AM since 9 am is 4 am to them? I personally think it is being behind that sucks more...since my SO who is ahead pretty much gets to know I am awake and around to talk to the majority of the time he is awake. Whereas I know I have hours upon hours after he goes to bed to be alone and missing him.

Blah, opinions?

In my opinion, I agree with you. My fiance is 3 hours ahead of me so he goes to bed really early. But I'm only saying that because I've only ever been in that position. My SO never really complains about not being able to talk because I always message him right when I get up, and he gets up late anyways. But I'm sure if I was in his position I'd feel differently. I hate being bored before bed because I'd rather be chatting with him.

[WakeUpSusie]

When I spent a semester abroad in Ireland, my SO was five hours behind me. It wasn't ever really an issue, we talked whenever we could and if we didn't get in touch on any given day because of our schedules we just facebook messaged instead. We usually ended up talking on skype every other day or so. It worked for us for five months just fine, but we're both exceptionally relaxed people in that regard.

[Jezah]

Moon, I am sorry you felt I was being "defensive" but frankly I was defending myself. Your implication that my SO is my only source of entertainment and my sole reason to live was offensive, so I clarified. I resent that you seem to think that if only people had hobbies they wouldn't feel this way or miss their SO so much, I am glad you are so evolved as to not....but the majority of the rest of us simpletons do miss our SO's even when we have other things to fill our days. Sometimes, I even miss him when I AM doing my own things and my own hobbies...shocking I know

[Moon]

Deleting, because you're just not worth the effort anymore. Have a nice life

[snow]

Seriously, find a hobby, stop living your life just for talking to your boyfriend, you'll be much more content.

I agree with Moon here, as it was true in my case. I tried so hard to be there for him all the time and managing my own stuff that it was just too much. Having a little time to my own while he is working and then spending some hours together and leaving him at his 6pm/my midnight gives us both what we need - I get sleep and he gets some alone time

[WakeUpSusie]

You seriously need to relax. You take everything so damn personally. She wasn't even directing that specifically at you!