Easier to be the one ahead or behind?

[ChibiFelicia]

Im 7 hours ahead of my SO and I work shifts (7am - 3pm, 1pm -10pm or 9pm to 7am) and these shifts change from week to week. His schedule is more or less constant. When we first started dating I was towards the end of my degree so I could afford to stay up late to talk to him and I did. Alot! I was always tired but missed him so I would always stay up It got to the point where he would be like "ok im pressing the red button now, you need sleep".
He then started changing his sleeping pattern to work with my shifts. I never asked him to but I knew it was because he knew that i missed him so much that i needed to talk to him everyday. Then he started getting sick, running on no sleep, sometimes forgetting his meals. In the end i was like ok this has to stop. We talk when we can. Now we sometimes have days where we cant talk and we just say the night before "cant speak to you for a couple days, gonna miss you!' and thats that. I get on with stuff i wanna do and he does his own thing.

Being ahead in time difference can be a bummer but after nearly 4 years being together I've worked out that i dont want to be the one whose always sad that i can't speak to my hubby. I had a great life before i met my man and even though he's made it so much better. I dont need him to make me happy constantly. Too much pressure! That and the fact he kept getting sick so i wouldn't be sad. I dont want that.

I remember he said to me to a long time ago. If you can't handle the separations then dont be in an LDR with me. I have my days where it just plain sucks but mostly im good now.

Jezah - Your man wanting to go to bed at 11pm...you're just gonna have to suck it up. Unless you want him to be dog tired all day and make a mistake due to it. I get upset when i have to go to bed but it's liek the person who posted before "stupid sleep! stupid work!" i would love to have all the time in the world with my man but that aint gonna work. We aint kids in school anymore where it didnt matter if you went in like a zombie (i do miss school! lol)

[Shepard-Fowkes]

My SO and I are 7-8 hours apart (AZ doesn't do daylight savings) and I'm the one behind so I can understand where you're coming from. If he goes to bed at a proper time, we really don't have much time together at all. And if I sleep in, that's more time lost.

But I don't believe in playing the "who has it worse" game because I know he struggles with the time difference too :P. He wakes up alone and, if it's a school day where I sleep in, we don't get the chance to Skype until late at night his time. One or both of us have to miss out on sleep to talk to each other. Thankfully both of us are willing and able to miss out on sleep for each other :P. And we can still text throughout the day.

I think squeeker has it right regarding keeping yourself busy. It is a lot easier to cope with being apart when you have things to do. That's what Moon was trying to say there I think. And it really is true. Right now, I'd say my SO has it worse only because he's not working or in school yet so some days he's just sort of spending his day waiting for me to wake up :/. What we do is create schedules for times for us to Skype. That way it takes away the temptation for me to demand he stays awake until 4 in the morning every morning :P.

The issue I have with this thread isn't the discussion about time differences and scheduling. It's how you (Jezah) seem to be trying to turn being lonely and upset into a competition. I'd suggest both you and your SO be a little more compassionate towards one another and realize that you both make sacrifices for the relationship. Keeping score of sacrifices like this really isn't healthy. You do these things because you love him. And he does things to show he loves you too (if he doesn't, that's a whole other issue). Don't make everything into a "who has it worse?" situation. If you feel he doesn't have enough sympathy for you here (?) then you could talk to him about it I guess. But I really don't think that he hasn't even considered that the time difference is difficult because it's probably difficult for him too.

[Jezah]

I am sorry you feel that way Moon. I just cannot stand when people over simplify something as complex as a LDR and missing your SO in one. Getting a hobby, a demanding job or anything similar is not going to stop you missing your SO. To make that seem like the golden ticket, the perfect solution is doing a disservice to those of us who aren't so easily deterred from missing their SO. Not to mention me having a more demanding job would make this whole time diff even more difficult, the only thing saving us is my ability to be flexible in my sleep schedule and sometimes get up at 4 am to spend time with him (at his request, I say that to fend off the inevitable "you are too clingy" comments)

I also am a massive homebody. I grew up with parents who never went out anywhere alone, never had friends that were not mutual (no friends at all now) and spent every moment not at work together and have had a successful 35 + year marriage. So my example is not one of massively social people who have separate lives that spend small amounts of time together and are content with it. So while I try and have hobbies and distractions that is not my ideal, nor is it my SO's who wants ideally the same relationship with me my parents have...with the exception of occasional nights out together at the pub with his buddies.

Our current situation is hell for us, both of us are very time demanding people who love insane amount of times together but can't due to a pesky ocean.

Edit: wanted to add, I don't try and stop him going to bed, I simply look sad and upset when he says he needs to....because it sucks. It just does, and I hate having to hide my emotions....plus even if I try they show

[squeeker]

I am sorry you feel that way Moon. I just cannot stand when people over simplify something as complex as a LDR and missing your SO in one. Getting a hobby, a demanding job or anything similar is not going to stop you missing your SO. To make that seem like the golden ticket, the perfect solution is doing a disservice to those of us who aren't so easily deterred from missing their SO. Not to mention me having a more demanding job would make this whole time diff even more difficult, the only thing saving us is my ability to be flexible in my sleep schedule and sometimes get up at 4 am to spend time with him (at his request, I say that to fend off the inevitable "you are too clingy" comments)

I also am a massive homebody. I grew up with parents who never went out anywhere alone, never had friends that were not mutual (no friends at all now) and spent every moment not at work together and have had a successful 35 + year marriage. So my example is not one of massively social people who have separate lives that spend small amounts of time together and are content with it. So while I try and have hobbies and distractions that is not my ideal, nor is it my SO's who wants ideally the same relationship with me my parents have...with the exception of occasional nights out together at the pub with his buddies.

Our current situation is hell for us, both of us are very time demanding people who love insane amount of times together but can't due to a pesky ocean.

Edit: wanted to add, I don't try and stop him going to bed, I simply look sad and upset when he says he needs to....because it sucks. It just does, and I hate having to hide my emotions....plus even if I try they show

I do agree with you.. having a more demanding job would make it even more difficult to find time to talk to him. I think you should try and make the most of what you have. I know you are doing this because it's all you can do really, and it just gets frustrating from time to time. I also understand wanting to be together 24/7 with the one you love. My SO and I really want to live together as well as work together and hopefully can do this in the future so we don't have to be apart. I know he just had to leave you as well so you just got reminded how it was like when you are together and now you are apart again which sucks. I do understand that it is hard to be apart and you can't just stop missing the one you love. I guess you don't want to be busy because you want to be available whenever he comes online. I am like that sometimes too. I'll keep facebook on and my phone with me so I know when he comes online even if I know approximate already. Sometimes I also don't have motivation to start anything else so I just sit at my computer watching random youtube videos or something. I don't know what your job is and whether this would be feasible.. it's more feasible if you have stable hours.. whether you can go to sleep earlier, like really early.. though I know that can feel like the day is wasted and it's hard to sleep at 3pm or 4pm.

I guess the thing is.. it's okay that you come here and rant about it, because it can be very frustrating. But the other thing is.. there's not much that can be done about it. Because I do understand now that you've written more, why another hobby could be a challenge. Though it is still an option... maybe you could start a hobby that you could use to make him things.. have you ever been into crafty things? I learned to knit and crochet a couple years ago, and now am addicted to crochet, and it's fun because I can make him things and it keeps my hands busy.. but it's also something I do either watching something or talking to him on video chat.... not something that is as distracting, but could help, because it's something you can be doing and then he comes online and you can talk to him and continue it. Or maybe try and find a book series you'd be interested in.. or one that you've previously read and loved, it might help be distracting.. or drawing.. or writing, or just pick something to research.. I mean.. my guess is you know all this stuff anyways, and just were looking for other people to support you. Okay, I support you saying it sucks and is frustrating and at the moment it seems you have it worse because you have to be the one waiting for him most of the time and he has a lot more to do so when he finally can relax, he doesn't even have to miss you or he has less time to miss you if you aren't online because he is out an about. Though I'm sure he misses you when he's out and working too.. but it's not the only thing on his mind as he runs around to fufil duties he has to because he has to work right now.

Hopefully it isn't too long before you can close the distance. Until then, hang in there. You can make it through this.

[Jezah]

Thanks squeeker

I am into crafty stuff, I make hemp jewelry and in fact he still wears a bracelet I made him before his first visit. It takes up some time, just like my other hobbies of writing, singing and video games do....but that is why I think I got so irked by Moon's comments because I DO have a lot to "distract" me but it doesn't matter. Even when I am reading, crafting, singing etc I still feel that niggling feeling in the back of my head that my SO is not there and I want him to be. I just miss him, and no amount of distraction changes that fact.

I really didn't make this topic to rant, I added a blip at the beginning about why I was asking this question and my own answer to the question...but as usual some people on LFAD see my posts with anything personal or slightly angry and use it to malign me and act like I am always being a victim, or a harpy witch etc. This one was just meant as a question, not an occasion to berate me again for all the things I apparently suck at in a LDR.

That said, your advice squeeker is appreciated

[squeeker]

Thanks squeeker

I am into crafty stuff, I make hemp jewelry and in fact he still wears a bracelet I made him before his first visit. It takes up some time, just like my other hobbies of writing, singing and video games do....but that is why I think I got so irked by Moon's comments because I DO have a lot to "distract" me but it doesn't matter. Even when I am reading, crafting, singing etc I still feel that niggling feeling in the back of my head that my SO is not there and I want him to be. I just miss him, and no amount of distraction changes that fact.

I really didn't make this topic to rant, I added a blip at the beginning about why I was asking this question and my own answer to the question...but as usual some people on LFAD see my posts with anything personal or slightly angry and use it to malign me and act like I am always being a victim, or a harpy witch etc. This one was just meant as a question, not an occasion to berate me again for all the things I apparently suck at in a LDR.

That said, your advice squeeker is appreciated

That's great! I get it. I think that is something that is difficult on the internet.. people can't tell how someone means something.. I looked at the initial question again and see that it was just a question. I guess what threw people a bit was the argument and maybe how things were worded a bit. I guess I get it too.. I think sometimes the crafts and the things that have to get done.. they can distract for a bit, but when the time is longer than it starts to be harder.. I guess also when I have more days that I am stuck at home, even though there are lots of things I can do, after awhile, it is harder to do anything without missing my SO. And some days it's harder for whatever reasons.. things happen that just make me miss him more. Hold in there. And no problem, I like to help out when I can! Plus you're awesome so I get drawn into your threads and usually just have to post something! :P hehe I hope you get to talk to him soon and it'll be worth it because it will be a really good chat between you both with lots of laughs and smiles. Take care!