Lies, Lies , Lies.

[barret95]

so, I have a little problem here...For a while, I have known my girlfriend has been lying to me. I even had proof that she was lying.
I told her about it and asked her to stop, she did admit that she has been lying to me for a lot of things such as Holiday dates, what she's doing, who she's with and all that bs. She did apologize to me.
But, I admit, I did lie to her about how I was feeling on some nights.

We both made promises (about flirting and everything) , you see, we are both a jealous type (because of our depression, low confidence, low self-esteem and stuff) ...and because of my problems we both have trust issues now.
It all started when my very good friend who happens to be a girl sends me a postcard from Italy, my girlfriend got pretty jealous.
a few days ago she found out I sent the girl who lives in Italy a letter...with hearts.

yet she still Lies to me, even when I have full 100% proof that she is lying to me, I even see photos of her with a group of guys...one photo was one guy lying down and the girls are rubbing and touching his body (she said we 'apparently' did that)
Lately I just been ignoring her, trying to think about it.

The trust issues and lying is ripping us apart. what's worse, lying to your partner about a lot of things or breaking a promise when you did really try to keep it?


anyway, I don't know if you can understand my story..but I don't know what to do. WE have access to both of our facebook accounts, she even talked to a girl who I helped when she was in depression, and now she completely hates me.
I just don't know what to do..

any one , can anyone help?

[summerkid]

You need to trust eachother or your relationship won't work. Giving eachother access to private accounts is just not a good idea in my opinion. Lying is also a symptom of complete lack of trust in a relationship. For example, if she knows you'll make a big deal out of her hanging out with guys (which is a normal thing to do ) then she will lie about it because her arm is being twisted.
So what if she was touching a guy? I don't reaky get that. Especially in a group, to me it seems like they were goofing around and nothing was actually happening.
If you broke your promise, don't try to justify it by pointing your finger at the other one saying " but you are doing something worse ". It doesn't work like that. You broke your promise and that is bad in itself, regardless of what the other one is doing. Same with the lying . That is bad and hurtful and destructive in itself. The fact that your broke your promise doesn't make her lying better. So don't justify or excuse one with the other.

I'll be blunt and say you guys seem to have an immature approach to this and you need to eitehr sit down for a serious talk and cut it out with the games and the lying and the complete lack of trust OR you'll keep hurting yourselves until you'll eventually break up .

[snow_girl]

Wow, you are 21? You are both acting like 12 year olds. If there is any chance at fixing your problems it has to start with not having access to each others facebooks, how on earth do you think that is helping? Both of you lack trust so you look on the others fb and find something that will upset you, that makes sense. You can't be in a relationship without trust, either you both start making an effort to trust each other and be truthful or you aren't ready for this kind of commitment.

[Oldblighty]

This relationship is doomed to fail if you both carry on the way you are. For a LDR to work you need to be 100% committed & trust each other, not have access to each others FB accounts and go around snooping on each other. This will only lead to more problems and in the end you two will break up.

[barret95]

she did also break a promise.
But yeh, as this is my first relationship I ever had ...I'm learning from mistakes and experience.
even I said to myself yesterday that I might be acting immature about this issue.
I do want to save this ldr, we both know we are in the wrong, we both know we made mistakes.
I want to let all this go and learn from this.

As my first thought was to let it all go and help each other ...You are right though

[Tanja]

You should NEVER give anyone your personal info that someone can use to log into your accounts. In fact, it's in the FB rules that it's forbidden to give this info to a third party. Yet, EVERYBODY does it cause that's the sign of TRUE love and 100% trust. No one sees that it's a security risk. What if your gf logs on as you in a public place, then forgets to log out and someone gets in? They could damage your friendships, delete all your precious photos or worse, do something illegal and you would be to blame. And no, it doesn't help to say "it wasn't me" because YOU broke the rules and volunteerily let another person have access to something they shouldn't. I can't tell you as an IT-person how much that pisses me off.

I swear 99% or the people who post this kind of thread are those exact people. There's no trust in between them, they just use that as an excuse to snoop each others emails, fb, twitter etc. and they always find something because people flirt, especially online and one heart or "hey babe" will break all hell loose. If you ever want to have a serious relationship you need to stop snooping and finding reasons to justify your jealousy and get the fuck out her FB and TRUST HER! And she needs to do the same. If you go check every message, photo, status and comment after each other there's no trust between you at all and there never will be.

Also, stop lying right now. Make an effort to not open your mouth unless what you're about to say is true and you're not making excuses for yourself. If you've done something wrong be a man and admit it. You both need to grow up and start acting like adults.

[MattDavies86]

Giving facebook login details is a load of crap lol, what's the point, if there's no trust, what's the point? You'll spend everyday worrying yourself sick about what she's doing, who she's with, you have proof she's lying yet she's still lying? Messed up. you do need to both look at the bigger picture and talk about it properly, until then it's going no where sorry.

[kacie]

I think you need to find the time to have a long honest conversation of what you both want from this relationship, and talk about what changes you both are going to make to have that relationship.

[barret95]

thank you for all your replies .
We had a long talk last night. We both sorted things out and agreed to be truthful and honest to each other. Just one thing that is bugging me is about her mother...

Thanks for the replies. gave good advice and hey, it's back to how it was...

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

The trust issues and lying is ripping us apart. what's worse, lying to your partner about a lot of things or breaking a promise when you did really try to keep it?

We both made promises (about flirting and everything) , you see, we are both a jealous type (because of our depression, low confidence, low self-esteem and stuff) ...and because of my problems we both have trust issues now.
It all started when my very good friend who happens to be a girl sends me a postcard from Italy, my girlfriend got pretty jealous.
a few days ago she found out I sent the girl who lives in Italy a letter...with hearts.

You both made promises to not flirt with other people. You said you 'really tried' to keep that promise? Then why did you send a girl in Italy and letter with hearts?

Look, to be completely honest with you, I think that if your NEED to send a girl from Italy a letter which you KNOW would upset your girlfriend is such a difficult promise for you to keep, you're not ready to be in a relationship. I don't need to make a promise to my SO that I won't behave inappropriately because I WANT to be faithful and honest. If you both believed that you both want to be committed to each other, I don't think you'd have to make those promises. And if neither of you are prepared to behave in a way that the other is comfortable with, and stick to it so you can build that trust, you shouldn't be together.

I know you think that having each other's facebook passwords will help prove that you're both being faithful, but honestly, you're more likely to breed more jealousy and suspicion. Even if you say something that you know is 110% innocent, she will read it in completely a different way and make assumptions about what you're saying. Particularly if you both already know that you're jealous people. It's like when you go on your SO's facebook profile, and you see what people say about her pictures, and if a guy comments, you start thinking "well, what does he mean by that?" You're always going to assume it's not innocent. And the more stuff you read and see on each other's private messages to other people, the more of those assumptions you're going to make. It will not ever make you feel secure or happy.

I know you've also responded saying you've had a talk and it's all fine, but you really need to put what you say into action, or this relationship is going to just tear both you and her up with all the jealousy and suspicion.

[Kristin91]

You both need to sit down and have a long discussion about what each of you is okay with and what your expectations and needs are. If you can't agree, then you're just going to keep lying to eachother, and it will eventually rip your relationship apart.