When a Visit doesn't go well...

[jonzy85]

Hi folks,

I recently had a visit with my SO in a neutral city. We have been together about 6 months and been doing Long Distance since Christmas. It was only 2 weeks after I had been to visit her in her hometown, met her family etc for the first time and it went amazing.

So, I couldn't wait for this visit, but it just didn't work out like I/we had hoped. From the start, she was constantly complaining about anything and everything, weather, hotel, food. There is nothing wrong with that, but she couldn't lift herself out of the negativity and it really got me down. Then, for the first time since we have been together, she was not really up for having sex. She accused me of putting her under pressure, even though I was doing nothing different than I would have done normally.

Also, we are planning on how to close the distance and are planning to go back and study. I am planning on doing a Masters in a city about 2 hours where we would be living. This is going to be difficult for me (and her) but I think it will be worth it. Due to the nature of the course, I won't actually have to spend that much time in the actual university. It is a year Masters and I really don't know what I will do afterwards, which I have told her. But she is now complaining about how she might have to move out of the apartment, which we don't have yet, to a cheaper one, if I have to move away again to get a different job. I just feel that she is putting too much on me now.

Before she left at the weekend, she apologised for how it went and promised next time it wouldn't be like this. I am pretty down about it, but am looking forward to our next meeting, in a month's time.

I just wanted to know if anyone had any advice or similar experiences.

Thanks

[Lovebee]

It sounds like she recognised that the visit didn't go as well as either of you had anticipated and that she feels bad about it. What really struck a chord with me was when you said she "couldn't lift herself out of the negativity". Perhaps there is another issue affecting her that she hasn't felt able to tell you. She may even have mild depression - this can affect her libido as well. That she said the next visit wouldn't be the same suggests that there is something affecting her now that she hopes won't be an issue in the future. I take it you were CD and are now LD - that can be very difficult to adjust to and your relationship will need to adapt to it.

Also sounds like she is very anxious about the future not panning out how she had first imagined. Uncertainty is an unpleasant feeling, and perhaps she is worried that you are making grand plans for your future without feeling like she is involved in the decision making as much as she would like to be.

Best advice would be to talk to her - ask if she's ok, if there's anything you could do to help her feel better about things.

Good luck, hope you can figure out a way through a difficult time.

[Mims27]

When my SO and I met up for the second time, she came here and it was tough week because all the things I had planned out pretty much fell apart. I was really sick then I got her sick..and then my dog got really sick and had to be taken to the vet. The weather was crap. We had to cancel some romantic plans I had made and on top of all of this, she got a bad eye infection too. I was so down on myself on how everything was ruined but she reminded me that we were together and that's all that mattered. Maybe you need to say that to her? We now look back on that trip and consider it one of our best ones because it wasn't about touristy and visiting stuff it was about us taking care of each other and being a real-life couple.

There's a lot pressure around visits sometimes and it can be stressful for both. Definetly talk to her about how you felt/feel.

[jonzy85]

#2 I don't think there is anything major affecting right now, in fact I'm pretty sure. It was the minor things that she was letting get to her. It is tough adjusting from CD to LD and we do talk about it all the time. It's why it is so frustrating when things don't go well, when we actually get to see each other.

The uncertainty definitely is an unpleasant feeling, but it is not me that is making the grand plans. She had decided where she wanted to go quite a while ago. We weren't sure how we would work it, until I found a way of doing a Masters, while being able to live with her. This made her very happy at first, but now she is thinking beyond me finishing the 1 year Masters (she will be there for a lot longer). I feel like I will be turning everything in my life upside down, to do this course and be with her (which I'm not complaining about). But I feel that she is putting me under too much pressure, looking to plan beyond the Masters.

#3 THis weekend, definitely will not be one we will look back on as being one of our best. But I do agree that sometimes the pressure to have a a perfect weekend means that sometimes when things don't go to plan, they seem worse than they are.

[Katy31]

For me, sex is very much tied to how I feel about the relationship. It sounds as though the uncertainty in the plans you two have is getting her down and she's worried about it. I've been there before- I was extremely worried and feeling quite pressurized about closing the distance. I also couldn't help but think about how it was just a short visit and then back to more distance. He clearly doesn't react to this stress the same way as I do, so he perceived it as my not being attracted to him anymore (I was still crazy about him, just generally worried about the relationship). As I realized I was upsetting him, I felt like I had to have sex with him so as to make him happy... but I didn't actually want to. The result was that I felt like he was pressurizing me, even though, like you, he'd done nothing different.

So my advice would be to try to be patient with her. Reassure her that although you can't plan further than a year into the future, she's a priority and you'll do as much as is reasonably possible to ensure that you stay near to her. Just let her know that whatever happens the two of you will figure it out. And as for the sex, you should maybe talk to her and see if she's feeling similarly to how I was, but I think that with the above step done, if you just leave it up to her it'll be back to normal before too long.

[Kristin91]

Have you talked to her about how you felt about it? Maybe sharing your feelings and getting everything out in the open will help... It could have been because she was in a new place that she wasn't familiar with. Some people, when they get uncomfortable, just can't stop complaining about anything and everything.