Didn't see that one coming

[WakeUpSusie]

So my boyfriend, whom I now live with and we are in the beginning states of planning a wedding, came to me last and told me that he became attracted to another woman (a very good mutual friend of both of ours) outside the relationship. He didn't sleep with her, didn't kiss her, she has no idea of his feelings other than friendship... but he told me that he is sexually attracted to her, and somewhat emotionally too. He also told me, with a sincerity that I've never seen before from him, that he loves me with all of his heart and wants to end these unwanted feelings but wanted to come clean to me about them. He seems devastated.

I don't know what to do. I love him and I honestly do believe him when he says that he is sorry and doesn't want to feel like this/wants to change it. He has said that he wants to leave me because I deserve better than someone who would feel like that, even fleetingly. I don't want him to go. I just want him to get rid of this stupid crush so we can get on with our lives.

I guess I'm just ranting. I feel cheated on and I don't know what to do with these emotions.

[Irina_Linn]

erm well...my SO did that once too...after we fought tho and it kinda passed in a week i guess.but i understand how hard it is for you now and how you feel.worst is that you are apart now so u cant see him.well, to stay positive i would say that it may not even be the crush but just loneliness and confusion because of the distance.i dont think you need to break up so try convicing him and talk alot with him.however i dont even know what else to tell cause handling such things on the distance is awful hard.i wish you luck and hope it will work out well for you!

[Ahava]

My best friend, married for over 10 years is going through the same thing at the moment.
She loves her husband and doesn't want to leave him, but has this emotional and physical crush on another guy.

[kteire]

To be perfectly honest, I don't think that being in a loving, committed relationship means that you will never be attracted to someone else and never have feelings for anyone else. I think what's more important is how it's dealt with. Not trying to minimise how you feel, because I would be very upset if my SO told me that too. Just trying to reassure you that it's not going to be the end of the world, and it is possible to get past that. I would suggest that he spend less time with her and keep a bit of a distance until it passes, which it will.

I would be lying if I said I have not been attracted to anyone else since I've been with my SO, and I've had mini-crushes on people that have never been anything serious. None of that has detracted from how much I love my SO, and I've never had one last very long. A person can't help who they're attracted to, and it's really a natural thing to find other people attractive. I don't know that it's always the best idea to share that, because it can cause insecurity where none is really due. I know your SO had his heart in the right place, but I don't really think it was fair of him to tell you.

[erinin86]

I completely agree with kteire. Just because he's attracted to someone else doesn't mean that things wouldn't work. And I believe that it is something that you both could work through as long as that's the only other issue. With him expressing his attraction and automatically suggesting that you end things would definitely being up a red flag for me.

One of my exes broke up with me because he said that he still had feeling for his ex and reassured me that nothing happened between them but then the next morning her car was in the drive way. Come to find out later that she had spent the night. So after all his reassurance that they didn't sleep together I knew he was lying. I really hope that your SO is not as big of an ass that mine was but I would just talk to him and make sure that that's the only thing that's bothering him. He might be nervous about the wedding or something more.

I wish you luck with your relationship and hope everything works out.

[ushiwakafox]

I also agree with everything kteire said. It's natural, especially for guys, to have fleeting "crushes", it's their biological duty, in a way. It's definitely understandable that you feel that way, I'd feel the same way. I think, in addition to distancing himself from her, he also needs to realize that it really isn't a huge deal. He sounds like he had no intention of cheating, but still feels a level of guilt as if he did, which he didn't. Once he realizes that it's natural, and as long as he loves you and keeps distance between him and the other girl, I think the problem will resolve itself. Don't let yourself get stuck on this, do what you said you would like to do and move on with your life

[carolynred]

I agree with the others on the fact that his attraction does not necessarily indicate the end for your relationship. I can understand how hurt, disappointed, and confused you must be. I think part of this is just plain human nature, human beings get attracted to other human begins, and being in a relationship will not stop those hormones involved with it. It's all about what we do with the emotions. In the case of your SO, I'm glad he has not acted on these feelings to any full extent. The only thing that worries me is how he said he is willing to leave you because you deserve better, even though he still loves you very much.

The reason why this concerns me is because this happened with me and my last ex. He approached me and told me that he had grown feelings and attachment to another girl while we were together. I forgave him, but we still could not survive through our relationship. It was not because of his attraction to the other girl, but rather the lost of trust in our relationship. I couldn't trust him after he told me. Everything seemed to be him with her and no longer us (both were in leadership positions so it was hard for them to not be apart). When I left for a week to go out of town, I saw him flirting with her on Facebook and I ended it then and there. I am not trying to scare you, but rather I just want to make sure you know that the key to possibly correcting this lies in how much trust and the stability of the trust in your relationship. Try to talk often and evaluate both of your feelings and emotions if you can. I have no doubt if you two still love and each other and trust one another, then this will all pass.

Stay strong! Let us know how everything is going!

[lucybelle]

I'm married, but I'll tell you right now I'm sexually attracted to other males! Of course I am, I'm not dead after all! I can guarantee my SO is attracted to other females.

But we love each other and are committed to each other.

This really shouldn't be a big deal. I think it's weird for him to make such a "thing" out of it. If I had to tell my SO every time I thought some guy was hot, I'd have a helluva long list to go through!

[Rugger]

I'm married, but I'll tell you right now I'm sexually attracted to other males! Of course I am, I'm not dead after all! I can guarantee my SO is attracted to other females.

But we love each other and are committed to each other.

This really shouldn't be a big deal. I think it's weird for him to make such a "thing" out of it. If I had to tell my SO every time I thought some guy was hot, I'd have a helluva long list to go through!

This.

As someone who has a crush on someone else, I can tell you first hand it doesn't mean I don't love and care for my SO. If I didn't care about him, I would have broken up with him already. I'm not sure the best route was him telling you, but at least you know and you two can work past it together. He's being honest with you and coming clean because he doesn't want to feel that way.

People don't choose who they are attracted to. He didn't chose to like you did he? It's something that just happens. Getting rid of a crush takes time and distance. He'll probably have to stop seeing her for it to go away.

You need to talk this through. Tell him how you feel and let him talk to you without getting mad at him.

[Dezface]

He seems to be either overreacting or possibly not telling the whole truth. Like the others said, it isn't that big of a deal to have a crush. So what was the motivation for telling you?

I'd advise you to reassure him that a simple attraction to another person is no cause for alarm but encourage him to spill if there's something else. The only way I personally would tell my SO something like that is if I knew it had the possibility of developing into more.

[Black_Halloween]

OP: I guess i'll be the black sheep on this thread and say that no, its defiantly -not- okay. There is a difference from seeing somebody on a street and saying "OOOooo they're hot!" and having a serious crush/attraction to somebody whose a close friend. I would consider what he is doing as emotionally cheating. There's either something wrong in the relationship, he's feeling like there's something missing or he's just falling out of love with you all together. People tend to want to attach themselves to other people when they feel like they're not getting enough attention or if there's something wrong in the relationship. Either way, its not right for him to do so and you both need to sit down and have a serious conversation about where your relationship is, how you really feel about each other, what he feels like he's not getting and what you want to do as far as your future goes.

[Zephii]

I can understand why he told you. I think that when a crush crosses the boundary from just physical into emotional, it does endanger the relationship. I'm not really sure there's much you can do about it however seeming she's a mutual friend. Has he suggested any strategies to try to help him re-focus?

ETA: I wouldn't think of it as cheating, because he hasn't done anything. He's not acting on his attraction and isn't involved with her in an emotional way. It takes two for cheating to take place. He's come to you because he doesn't want to cheat, so don't treat him as though he already has.

[WakeUpSusie]

THank you for all of your thoughtful responses guys. I really do appreciate it very much.

I haven't talked to him much today... when we woke up this morning he was pretty much still a mess about it. I am still just confused and kind of blindsided because although I kind of thought that maybe he had a little crush on her, I really didn't think he'd admit it and I didn't give a shit until he did. I had to work all evening but he spent a chunk of the day out driving which I seems to have cleared his head a little bit. He seems to have come down from his "I'M GOING TO BREAK UP WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU DESERVE BETTER" mentality to "I screwed up and hurt my girlfriend in the process and I'm going to make it up to her so she trusts me again' mentality. I'm definitely still hurt and a somewhat mistrustful/self concious about it all, but overall I am not too concerned that we won't make it past this. In the long run this will seem stupid. I will update again if anything changes, but I think its just a matter of him taking an emotional step back with her and remembering what really matters. I would be a lot less inclined to be "ok" with this if he wasn't so devastated about hurting me and so remorseful about feeling the way he did. I think its all going to be fine.

You guys rock the house.

[digitalfever]

I think his reaction is a bit melodramatic. While I think having a crush on anyone other than your SO is normal (you're not dead!) I think his reaction is a bit over the top.

He should have his crush and leave it at that. Friend or not. However, to react like this is a bit too much and I think you should talk about this.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

In a weird way, I find the fact that he was truthful about it quite comforting. He says nothing's happened, the other person doesn't know, he doesn't intend to do anything about it - and that's pretty much what 'committed' means, doesn't it? Not giving into temptation? It's really easy to be committed when there's no temptation.

Obviously, you're hurting and it's hard, but I feel really sorry for your SO. He's trying to be true and faithful to you, and unfortunately, right now that's involved hurting you. But telling you means he's not trying to deal with it by himself, and that gives you a much better chance on being able to get through this together. And I'm glad he's come down from the "You have to leave me" perspective.

I think with a bit of time, this'll all be ok. Your SO seems keen to work on getting through this, and you're standing by him. You both seem to want the same thing, you both now have all the information, I don't see a reason you can't work through it together.