Talking about her ex

[weddy]

I will try to keep this short and simple. So there is this girl I have been talking to for about 5-6 months, and only in the past month or so, I feel like there is some interest on both sides. However there is one thing she constantly does that I am not sure how to react to. She tends to talk about her ex quite a bit. And furthermore tends to compare him to me. Little comments don't usually make a difference to me, however she has definitely made it a habit. Saying how I am similar to him or how he would do this and I do that etc. Also she does talk to him quite a bit but in all fairness they seem to still be close, and I think he is still one of her closest friends. Plus she does not have a lot of people to talk to.

She did also mention how they didn't really work out together and she doesn't think they are good for each other when they are together. And I do believe her. However I am wondering how much weight should I put in all of this. Is it not a big deal at all? Or is it something I should really watch out for? Thanks

[.:*Shaunna*:.]

It's hard to say without knowing them but to me as an outside reading your post it sounds like they aren't completely over. I could be wrong but for me personally I would not put up with constantly being compared to an ex. Have you tried talking to her about it?

[MattDavies86]

Doesn't sound like she is over it really to be honest, be careful mate

[Dezface]

I'd ask her to stop bringing him up so often and to definitely cut out the comparisons. That's not fair to you. I'd also keep an eye on their relationship. It's quite possible she isn't over it.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Look, you've only spent the past month thinking that something might be there. From your post, I'm reading that you guys aren't a couple, but you'd maybe like to be.

The thing is, you and her haven't known each other very long. There is established history with her ex, and it does sound like there's still something between them. And if they're still talking and close, and she's not known you long, and you guys aren't actually together, then I think it's unlikely that you're not going to get hurt in some way over this.

I definitely think her comparing you to him is a massive sign that she's not ready to let go of her ex. And unfortunately for you, it's also a massive sign that she's not ready to be in a new relationship. But I can't really fault her for her behaviour, because - like I said - I'm reading from your post that you guys aren't together. And if you're not together, then it's really up to her what she says about her ex and how long it takes her to get past that relationship.

To be honest, I think that if you guys just kind of like each other, you should back off of any relationship until she's ready to just be with you, minus the comparisons to the ex.

[weddy]

Well another thing I should have mentioned is that her ex has been with someone for like 2 months now or so? And no we aren't together. But she went to talk to a mutual friend of ours about me, and she was asking if I was interested in her and well basically what I think she has some interest in me. Here is another thing, our mutual friend was hinting at me that she thinks I am losing interest in her. I guess the only way to go about this is to talk to her and ask her if she is ready to be in a new relationship (although not necessarily ask her in regards to a new relationship with me) or any better idea's or tips?

Seriously all of my previous relationships have ended poorly and I am not going to lie, I am keen to avoid disaster. Sometimes I feel like even if we do get together, at any given time she would more than willingly leave me to be with him. blah blah blah lol

[NinaTenshiX]

I have been guilty about talking about my exes with my current SO. At the start it was because I was breaking up with someone and he was helping me as a friend to get over my pain. Now when it happens it is because I feel something from my past relates to the topic. But, I admit there are times when he asks me not to talk about them. I think it is all part of the letting go process. Give her time and she will talk about him less and less. If she really cares for you... she will speak about you a lot more. Good luck!

[erinin86]

I'll shed some light on the other end of the spectrum for you. But first I will say that I do partially agree with everyone else, but let me tell you a story about a past experience.

I dated this guy for about 6 months and we kinda had a messy break up and even after we broke up we still talked and every now and then would sleep together. He kinda crushed me when he broke up with me and then wasn't man enough to cut ties with me for whatever reason. But when I started dating my current BF he brought it to my attention that I was talking about my ex and he felt the same way you do. But the reason behind it is because I had shut myself up so right that I was trying like hell not to go through the same thing twice. It was just too painful the first time. With me making him aware of the shit my ex put me through I was thinking that I was somehow protecting myself. But once he brought my actions to my attention as to how it made him feel I tried to do it less. And now I only talk about my ex when he has some kind of comparison to the conversation at the time. But I don't ever talk about how things were between us back then. I am completely in love with my SO and can't imagine even leaving him for my ex.

Moral of the story, talk to her, she could still be upset about the past relationship. She might know that their relationship was too volatile to give it another try. But give her a chance to explain herself and keep an open mind. She could be trying to tell you subtly that she's trying to open her heart to you but she just doesn't know how just yet. And who knows she might end up understanding and decide that since you were honest with her that she's willing to be host with you and it just might work out in your favor.