So tired of fights

[kteire]

Did you really become OK with him going to strip clubs or were you hoping it would get him to stop? If it was the latter - I'm glad things worked out for you but the problem with manipulation is that it backfires long term. You pander to him, you lose yourself and eventually start to resent him. Especially when the manipulation doesn't work. Why would you treat anyone like a king when he's a douche? If he's being a douche, he should be told so. If you have a problem with something he does, he should know it. The point is how you let him know, you can either nag or have a civil discussion where you both present your arguments, try to understand each other and find some common ground. Partners should willingly adapt to each other, in my opinion. The key part of a committed relationship is accepting responsibility you have to each other.

While Jezah does have some unrealistic expectations of her boyfriend and she does have a temper, the problem is her SO really is a douche to her. There's just no other way to put it. He's immature, unreliable and unwilling to compromise. Some of her demands may be too much, but a lot of them are just fundamental expectations you have in a long term relationship, which he consistently fails to deliver. Things do get aggravated when she nags, but what would change if she suddenly turned into some 50s housewife, always pandering to her SO no matter what he does? He would just be given green light to continue being so self-centered. And she would still be unhappy with it. But she would trap herself into "yes dear, you know best dear".

This! I've always considered 'kill it with kindness' to be a bad piece of advice - I'd prefer honesty and tact. Pretending you're ok with something when you're clearly not isn't going to fix the situation, and like Malaga said, it backfires. I think Jezah is right in having a backbone and pushing back on how she feels when he treats her like this.

I do think that some of the more unrealistic expectations come from how he's been treating her, I know I would be resentful and fight if my SO treated me this way.

I'm going to jump on the bandwagon Jezah - you deserve better. I can't believe how much of a difference there is between your older boards and now, because you seem so much happier and self-aware and I hate to see him dragging you down like this. It's a big difference between him wanting to go enjoy himself, and him leading you to believe that he would be there for you and it's not fair to you.

I really hope you will do what is best for you. I know you love him a great deal, but I think you're right on the money - he is taking you for granted, and you shouldn't have to put up with this bull.

[Black_Halloween]

The only thing that anyone can really say to you anymore is decide whether this is the man you want to be with, the one you rant about, or leave. How many times have we heard that he's going to try and change? How many times have we heard that he's sorry? How many times has he cried and said he'll be a better boyfriend when you've threatened to leave, until threatening to leave meant absolutely nothing to him anymore because you wield it as your strongest, most powerful, most manipulative weapon? There comes a time when you have to simply accept that it's not working. Okay, so you love him, so what? No one's changed in this relationship for a very long time. You've put a support system in place, you're making strides in your life, and you could change, but you're not, because HBB is holding you back and forcing you into the same mould you've been in for a long time and will always be in until you leave him. You two have roles you play when around each other - he the big, strong he-man and you the fragile victim he can break with a snap of his fingers or a cluck of his tongue - that you are stuck in, because neither of you are making progress in regards to the relationship and so neither of you are making progress within the relationship. The thing is, you keep saying "I'm not sure I want to fix this anymore." "I'm not sure I can fix this." etc. It's not about YOU, Jezah. You have absolutely no control over where this relationship goes at this point and the sooner you accept that, the better, because the sooner you accept it, the sooner you're going to see game playing and resistance melt away from your relationship and reveal it for what it truly is. HBB is an immature man who is enjoying his baby years and some men his age go through that and take a long time to mature out of it, but he uses that immaturity as a shield, an excuse. He uses that immaturity and that sense of entitlement - "you're not my mom!" - to hide behind his childish actions and to refuse to look inside long enough to look at what he's doing wrong and what he needs to change to make ANY relationship work, not just his relationship with you. But he has proven time and time again, he won't change, and even if he decided he had the capacity to change, it would not be with you in this relationship, Jezah. You cannot change when trapped by someone else, and you're both trapping each other far more than either of you seem willing to admit.

But it's all been said before, so perhaps the tl;dr version of all this is that it's your call and you can sit around telling us all the reasons why you can't leave or you can actually start working towards accepting that HBB isn't going to change, you aren't going to fix this mess of a relationship, and try trekking that path for a while. :/

Everything Piper said

[Zapookie]

He's a shit boyfriend. I think you should have left him after he ruined his second chance. What chance is he on now, his 17th?

[MadMolly]

You two don't work for eachother. Simple as that. I would tell you to leave him but I honestly wonder whether you have the strength to, seeing as this has happened so many times before. Please think about it and don't use it as a weapon. Just do it, cut him off, and finally move on.

[chizatlauren]

Did you really become OK with him going to strip clubs or were you hoping it would get him to stop?

No, I tried to be really OK with it. As long as there's no sex involved, I felt like I should trust him so I did. And I think that's what made him turn around That's my point, do kindness without asking for something else in return. I'm not saying you should do it all the time. Kindness is different from martyrdom.

[Dezface]

I know how hard it is to leave someone even if you know how incredibly bad they are for you. You remember all the happy times, all the promises of forever, all the plans for the future. You can't imagine life without them.

But you have to understand that it won't get better. When you've given someone chance after chance and they don't change, there's not really any hope left. All those plans and dreams you had are already gone, regardless of if you're still with the person or not. At some point, you have to find it within yourself to say enough is enough and get out of the situation. Think about if you would rather it be over now, while you're still long distance and, emotions aside, severing ties is easy...or down the line when someone has hopped countries, you're possibly married, and now its gotten a whole lot more complicated.

[Jezah]

I don't even know where to start! I checked this post what feels like a day ago (was actually Sunday...that is how much of a blur it has been) and it had 2 responses...then now I had 3 pages! I love you guys and your advice. At this point I am really torn, and honestly the worst part is that I am mad at MYSELF. I try to pull away from him but I feel like a fly in a web. I can't seem to get a clean break. Right now I am giving him a little while to see if things actually change, but the biggest thing I am doing is I am not going to make him a big part of my life right now. I have flat out told him, we are broken up, we can stay friends and talk (and watch our mutually loved shows together since seriously it is awesome to have discussions after with someone as smart as him) but I do NOT trust him with my heart. He is just irresponsible with it, and he destroys me and then comes home with a "What? OHHHHH, I had NO IDEA you were going to be SO HURT!" which at this point doesn't make it better. It just makes me feel like after nearly 2 years he must not have been paying attention if he still doesn't know what hurts me. It also doesn't make me feel very confident. If he doesn't get what will hurt me, or how to prevent it...then if I stay and he stays my everything then I will get hurt over and over.

When I get distance I see that he has changed somewhat, I mean while he was sweet and caring before he also had the dark side of going out almost every single weekend and getting black out drunk and he would break plans like they were nothing. Now...well, this honestly has been the first time he has done the pass out too drunk to function (literally, he almost burned the house down Saturday because he got home and put food in the oven then passed out) breaking plans thing in probably 4 months. Of course when he did it, none of that mattered, it felt like yesterday to my heart, the pain was very familiar. However, when I look back calmly, he has made an effort not to do this crap.

I don't have an issue with him going out with the guys to have a few, however I do have an issue with him deciding to do it when we have plans, spur of the moment and getting wasted beyond all reckoning. Its just, stupid and childish to go out to purposely get that drunk IMHO. Even if he really felt he HAD to from time to time, as long as he let me know so that I can buy some junk food, download a good movie and make a night of it myself I would probably be ok with it...but all Sat night I was on edge waiting for his call. Not cool. I would rather know and just ignore him to do his drunken antics with his mates, but him doing this when he had plans with me, said he wouldn't and disappearing was a trifecta of not cool.

Overall, what I need is to feel like I am a priority in his life...not what he does when he has nothing better to do. Yea, we spend lots of time on cam...but when his friends offer something more interesting I feel like I am dropped on the spot. I feel like a fill in. That hurts, and I don't need hurt right now. My life outside him is pretty DAMN good, a career I have literally been working on since I was 11 (no joke...eleven) is FINALLY happening, I am getting tons of respect for the effort I put in to get this experience and knowledge...and I feel GOOD. So when the man in my life who is supposed to be supporting me, making all this success better is instead dragging me into the dirt? Its not alright with me, and that is why he is going to learn what I have been feeling like for a long time now....like an afterthought for when his AWESOME super interesting life isn't offering something better. Now my life is awesome, I am awesome, and he can fill in the gaps but no more will he be my core.

[Tooki]

I know that you don't want to hear this and it's not what you want to hear but,

LET.GO.OF.HIM.NOW

He won't change. As you said, you gave him a ton of chances but he hasn't changed. You just HAVE to do it. Let go.

[marbear31]

What Tooki said.

Good job on getting yourself together; I'm so proud of you!

[Rugger]

Bad news for you: YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO BE A PRIORITY IN HIS LIFE. He has proved this time and time again.

You two are NOT good for each other. You are NOT a good couple. How many post have there been like this and how many times have we told you the same freakin' thing?

DUMP.HIS.ASS.

You have come so far in working on yourself, Make it a complete transformation and let go of him. He's really not worth it.

[ThePiedPiper]

I agree with the others. You say things like "it's been 4 months since x" or "it's been quite a while since y" but you literally posted in December complaining about the same exact principle problem you've had with HBB since the beginning. In that thread, you said you'd give him until a few days after the New Year to start showing you he can shape up or he could ship out. Then you had a visit. From my own experience, I know that not much happens on the visit because even when you want to break-up, even when you bring it into the other person's awareness, no one wants to believe it and you feel stuck because you paid for the damn tickets etc. and so you make the most of it. But you fought on your trip too. And now he's back and pulling the same damn crap he will pull continuously if you two ever get married. I don't know if you see that for as long as he refuses to grow up, you do too, and I don't know if you get how that's going to hinder you in life and it's going to hinder you more than simply pulling you down every time something happens.

But I'm starting to think you post just so we can say mean things about HBB and you can sit there saying "see? I'm right" while feeling justified in complaining about something you've made it obvious you don't want to change. I want to say that HBB is putting your life on hold, but honestly, that falls on you. I understand the complexities of leaving someone you depend on. I understand the complexities of leaving someone you absolutely adore during their good days and who you think you'd miss beyond anything (which, let me tell you, the subsequent happiness that comes from not being hurt constantly and not having to walk on eggshells is absolutely worth it). I've done it on two separate occasions. I lived and am happier for it, but you're convinced you won't be. At the same time, you're condemning yourself to forever living in this cycle of torment, hurt and happiness, this Bipolar relationship that will keep you from progressing as a person and in your life. *shrug* You either don't see how you're not going to get where you want (need) to be so long as you seek a clawhold on HBB, or you don't care...

[redapple]

As a quick side note- Although I dont know you I feel the difference in your posts is brilliant, you seem much happier!

Anyway I think this is a case where thinking about doing something is actually going to be worse than doing it. Listen to piper, it'll hurt but you'll get over it, find another guy (and before you say you won't be able to, you obviously can because you found HBB to start with) and I think you'll look back on this whole thing thinking what on earth was I doing!

Personally? I'd break it off and if you do I really feel you're going to have to do no contact or he's just going to think that it's an empty threat again. Again it's going to hurt but set yourself a target- like in going to make it to 3 months with no contact. And see how you feel after. No cheating!

The amount of really happy couples who constantly argue are few and far between. If you stay together what are you going to do? Get married and keep having this cycle of separation and reuniting? And join the many couples who thought that change was just around the corner? Or that marriage would change their partner? Because this happens to people all the time! Don't become one of them.

Seriously, you tried. It's not working.

[Lovebee]

I don't know much of your history with this guy but I can see plainly enough from everybody else's responses that he has had plenty of chances to prove himself and nothing seems to have changed.

I just want to point out: you don't need HIM to watch your favourite shows with. Have you tried cruising Twitter for the show's hashtag whilst you're watching it? There are plenty of intelligent, witty people out there who will make watching your show interesting. You don't need him for that. It sounds like an indirect excuse to keep a line of contact with him, to keep a door open to get sucked back in to what sounds like a pretty toxic relationship.

Just cut him out, for real this time. Delete his number, block him. You say you're cutting him out of your life, except you're not really doing it. Physically remove your ability to contact him, and see how much lighter you feel.

Good luck.

[roosie]

Others have already given you great advice, but I just have to say that it's great to see how much better you feel about yourself these days. The topic might be the same as usual but the subtle change in you really makes a difference. It speaks a volume that despite being treated the way you are, you have managed to gain more strength and confidence in yourself. Which is why it is even more important that take a hard look at your relationship. Does it really serve you anymore? Look outside yourself for a minute. If you had a friend in en exact same situation coming to you with her problems, what would you tell her? You would probably tell her the same things we have told you, if you cared about her well-being.

In a way it's nice that you still believe that he can change but can you really build a relationship on a belief that one day the other person might change into a person you would appreciate and trust in? Maybe it's easier to believe that he might still change after you have seen the changes in yourself, but I think the difference between the two of you is that you have put a lot of effort into changing and improving yourself, while he hasn't. He might not make you his priority but make sure you make yourself your priority first. Good luck!

[Jezah]

I don't even think the hard part for me right now is letting go of who he is now, but letting go of who he was, how we were. There was a time when he made me so happy I could burst, I loved him so much I couldn't believe I could ever love anyone more. He was sweet, kind and so thoughtful. Now, now he takes me and everything for granted. He is lazy, procrastinates and frankly...not so great with his hygiene anymore either. Its like he is going through what I went through years and years ago at 19 when I moved out of my parents, having to learn to take care of yourself without someone on your case about it...problem is, he is taking longer than I did and he is so stubborn he won't accept help or advice. The spark wasn't even there really when he visited, I barely felt attracted to him and he didn't treat me very well. This is so opposite of the first visit, where he was here for 2 months and I couldn't keep my hands off him and was so blissful with love. How does love fall apart? How do you find that cut off point where you realize that you can never get that love back? He talked about engagement rings yesterday just in passing and for the first time, I really thought about it and instead of excited to someday marry him...I felt like if I did I was signing up for misery. I think I fell out of love, and all I am really holding onto is the small parts of him he occasionally shows that remind me of how he used to be when I loved him. Its not letting go of him really that I struggle with, but letting go of that happiness he used to give me and letting go of that shiny future we talked about and planned for...letting go and realizing its dead and gone