Is it normal to have doubts? be scared?

[Louise_B]

Ok, so i need to word this correctly. Ive started to fall head over heels for this guy who i'm in a LDR with, and we have already discussed the important stuff in life, marriage kids and me moving over to the USA. it was all 'What ifs' well .. im off over there in august some time to meet my boyfriend for the first time (super excited) i dunno if its doubt or just scared of 'growing up' but one part of me would love to move over be married to him and have kids and stuff. but then another part of me is thinking ' can i really leave my parents behinde and not see them every day .. can i really do this' Is this normal? anyone else feel like this. i know if you love your bf some would say you wouldnt have to question yourself but i think sometimes you do. What with my bf being in the military for another 2 years we wont we be together as much as we can while his still in the military. what with my brother recently moving to NZ i would feel so bad moving away from my parents too. dont get me wrong it wont be any time this year but still .. can anyone share they experience?

[Oldblighty]

Of course its only natural to have fears about leaving your country to be with the one you love, I feel this way and I've been in this for three years.

What I feel regarding your LDR, is that you need to meet him first before having all these concerns and worries...get to know him before you go down the marriage/kids route...Have some fun getting to know each other on a personal level, that should be your main concern right now, not the church bells and nappies........and I mean this in a kind way my dear....xx

[Lovebee]

Totally normal and understandable.

My SO is also in the USA - and he's right on the far side, so it's almost twice as far as if he lived on the east coast. We've talked about me moving out there, and I've often thought about what it would be like to just get rid of all my stuff here in the UK, pack up and move. I've imagined the kind of house we would live in, and how different it would be to the Victorian houses I'm used to, I've thought about having kids and what kind of messed up transatlantic accent my kids would have.

I also sympathise with you about being another member of the family to move abroad. My sister lives in Hong Kong with her husband and daughter, and this is hard for my mother, who is terrified of flying and doesn't feel that she can go out and visit them. My mother is very negative about my relationship with my SO, not because she doesn't like him, but because she is frightened of the prospect of me moving to the other side of the world too. A big part of me wonders if I can really do this to her, but ultimately it's your happiness on the line and if being with your SO in America is what feels right and what will make you happy, then it's the right thing to do. I feel like, if our relationship gets to that stage, I should at least try. If the worst comes to the worst, I can always move home.

The thought of moving to another country is scary and intimidating, but I recently discovered another forum called British Expats - I was really surprised to find so many Brits living in the same area as my SO. I've always said that I'd be happy to live wherever my SO ended up, and I don't feel any particularly strong ties to the UK. As long as I can ship in some decent tea, I'll probably make my way in the world.

It's normal to have doubts. Just try to work through them so they don't sabotage your relationship. Take it one step at a time, too. You're not moving yet!

[chizatlauren]

Take a deep breath my dear.

Now, once you've inhaled and exhaled, let me tell you that you are just about to meet for the first time. It is really exciting and nerve-wracking, I understand. But try as much as possible to focus first on getting to know each other in a more personal level before thinking of moving in with him, getting married, having kids, etc. I've been there too, and I'm excited about my future with my SO. But right now, having some quality time with him should be your first priority.

I really am excited about your first meeting! Hope it goes well

[sewbama]

I think the doubts you're talking about are normal and healthy. You aren't doubting that you love him (like what the "some would say" part is all about). You are doubting whether or not you are making the right decision. That is what you should be doing! Asking about the consequences of your decisions and if you believe they are worth it is how you make good decisions.

As for my experience... I felt a similar thing about part of me wants to get married and have kids, etc. The difference is the other part of me was curious about a new opportunity: a PhD. I tried the PhD. What I found was that nothing is worth trading for the time with my SO. Even though I wanted to explore that opportunity, it wasn't worth giving up my future with him. To be fair, the phd wasn't quite right either. But I did enjoy classes, my apartment, etc. I liked it. It just wasn't... my life. My life is here with my SO. If I hadn't gone, I would have wondered what it would have been like. Since I did go, I had to wonder about what it would be like to see my SO every day. And that hurt a lot.

[ThePiedPiper]

I think what you're experiencing is definitely normal and definitely dependent on the individual, as far as your answers go. When I was in my relationship, I knew I couldn't/wouldn't be the one to move. I'm too close with my family, too in love with my area, and have too many ties, and I feel this same way for anyone I meet or will date in the future. They have to be okay with living in the bay area, not necessarily here, but within the bay area of California, and they have to be okay with the fact my family is a huge priority in my life. Not everyone feels this same sense of loyalty or has these same ties, but I do think when people think about cutting those ties, almost everyone has the fears, doubts and concerns with doing so! I think what might really help you come to terms with things, though, is when you visit and get a sense of what the area is like. I think the longer I spent in the city in Ireland, the more I realised I could not do it, and I sometimes think that's that what it comes down it. It's not all about how much you love an individual but how capable you'll be of living and integrating where they live or where you both plan to live. Manhattan is a small town, as far as I know, and pretty conservative, so it's definitely not a one-size-fits-all, but I honestly think that you'll have more clarity (and hopefully less nerves) after you visit and spend some time in the place you're considering moving to.

[Louise_B]

When i first told my mum i was going to American in August her reaction was ' Yeah, why not go .. your not moving out there though are you?! because if you do i might aswel give up' and she chuckled to herself but i know deep down it woul hurt her so much! but then again shes always been so proud of me and my brothers! all 3 have are in brilliant jobs etc.

i know over time she will see how serious i am about it and when once day it comes to me and my SO to plan anything i hope she will be happy for me!

Totally normal and understandable.

My SO is also in the USA - and he's right on the far side, so it's almost twice as far as if he lived on the east coast. We've talked about me moving out there, and I've often thought about what it would be like to just get rid of all my stuff here in the UK, pack up and move. I've imagined the kind of house we would live in, and how different it would be to the Victorian houses I'm used to, I've thought about having kids and what kind of messed up transatlantic accent my kids would have.

I also sympathise with you about being another member of the family to move abroad. My sister lives in Hong Kong with her husband and daughter, and this is hard for my mother, who is terrified of flying and doesn't feel that she can go out and visit them. My mother is very negative about my relationship with my SO, not because she doesn't like him, but because she is frightened of the prospect of me moving to the other side of the world too. A big part of me wonders if I can really do this to her, but ultimately it's your happiness on the line and if being with your SO in America is what feels right and what will make you happy, then it's the right thing to do. I feel like, if our relationship gets to that stage, I should at least try. If the worst comes to the worst, I can always move home.

The thought of moving to another country is scary and intimidating, but I recently discovered another forum called British Expats - I was really surprised to find so many Brits living in the same area as my SO. I've always said that I'd be happy to live wherever my SO ended up, and I don't feel any particularly strong ties to the UK. As long as I can ship in some decent tea, I'll probably make my way in the world.

It's normal to have doubts. Just try to work through them so they don't sabotage your relationship. Take it one step at a time, too. You're not moving yet!