The First Bad Visit...

[inez]

Like any LDR, visits have always been the highlight of our relationship. What does it mean when a visit doesn't go well? What is it a sign of?

A couple nights ago my SO was showing me his private Facebook messages... I'm not really sure why, I think he was partially going through old ones for the sake of nostalgia. Maybe he wanted to include me in his remembering. There was a message a month before we got together, he was telling his friend about how hot a co-worker was. They were linking each other pictures of her cleavage. "She's so hot ;_; I can't believe she said my name the other day. That beautiful face." He quickly scrolled down, and seemed relieved to land on something else about another "chick". "Oh look," he said, "I'm pretty sure this is about you."

Just a couple weeks before we got together, I was "some chick who won't stop asking him for Spanish help". Not the hot girl he was excited said his name. There was this lingering realization that he's never told me I look hot or beautiful. Yet here he was talking about some girl he barely knew this way. I keep reminding myself not to get retroactive jealousy, I was almost destroyed by it when I saw he was saving things from his ex-fling half a year ago.

It spurred a conversation about previous crushes. He showed me his... on Facebook. He is friends with all these girls who are much more beautiful than I am, even though he admitted to never even talking to some of them. I remember a while ago he deleted a bunch of people from Facebook because he never talked to them or wasn't really friends with them, yet he decided to keep these girls for some reason?

Of course I feel upset, but I've outwardly remained stoic about it. Laughing with him or covering up the jealous look on my face with a comment about how pretty the girls looked.

I reciprocated with stories about my past crushes. I haven't had nearly as many as him, and my struggles social anxiety usually only made for awkward but humorous stories. Somehow the conversation lead to drinking stories. His were funny. I've only been really drunk once and it was when we were first dating. I never told him two guys kissed me that night because 1. I didn't kiss them back and 2. I knew it would only make him upset. Well, since we were being so candid with each other last night, the detail just slipped out. He didn't have to hear much, though, because he immediately stopped me, "I don't want to hear about this."

For the first time, we didn't fall asleep hugging each other. He didn't cuddle me in the morning either, he left for work without kissing me good-bye. He was noticeably less affectionate with me the next day, and last night we fell asleep on opposite sides of the bed. Even when I tried to snuggle with him, he would say something about how it was too hot.

I tried to lighten the mood, "Hey, at the end of this semester we should start making plans for moving here. This time next year you and I will be able to sleep together whenever we want."
"That will be pretty cool I guess..." he said in a bored tone.

There was a horrible pit in my stomach when I watched him leave for work without saying "I love you" or giving me a kiss. Tonight I'm going back home. This is our last day together for another 4 months, and I feel more unsure of my relationship than when I'm away. I almost want to break it off myself just so he can get excited about making eye contact with attractive girls at work and parties, it's probably more fun than moping about being away from your girlfriend for months at a time.

[snow_girl]

I think guys sometimes try to 'macho" themselves up when talking to other guys. I often talk about hot guys to my girlfriends and it means nothing more then an attractive person. Thats the impression I get from what you say he was saying about you and the other girl. He probably did really like you but to not come off as a sap made it seem like he wasn't into you so much.

Just because you had your first altercation doesn't mean it is time to pull the plug and run for the hills. You know how many times my SO and I have gone to bed without saying anything or not getting a kiss before he's left for work because we've disagreed on something? Tons, but we've always worked it out. Sometimes we just need a little space to cool off and sometimes we annoy the other and the last thing we want to do is be all kissy kissy to the other. It doesn't mean that we don't love each other anymore.

As for keeping these girls on his fb, I still have all my exes on fb, I don't ever talk to them or have any feelings for them but its kinda neat every once in a while to see what they are up to. And stop comparing yourself to them, he is with you for a reason and not them. Everyone is self conscious in some way, but what you see isn't always what everyone else sees. He clearly cares for you if he didn't want to hear about you kissing other guys.

I wouldn't worry about this. Talk to him, tell him how you feel and maybe let him know that him going through his messages made you feel a little uneasy with what you saw. I'm sure he will put your fears at ease. You've been with him for a year, that has to mean something right?

[bethyylovee]

I think guys sometimes try to 'macho" themselves up when talking to other guys. I often talk about hot guys to my girlfriends and it means nothing more then an attractive person. Thats the impression I get from what you say he was saying about you and the other girl. He probably did really like you but to not come off as a sap made it seem like he wasn't into you so much.

Just because you had your first altercation doesn't mean it is time to pull the plug and run for the hills. You know how many times my SO and I have gone to bed without saying anything or not getting a kiss before he's left for work because we've disagreed on something? Tons, but we've always worked it out. Sometimes we just need a little space to cool off and sometimes we annoy the other and the last thing we want to do is be all kissy kissy to the other. It doesn't mean that we don't love each other anymore.

As for keeping these girls on his fb, I still have all my exes on fb, I don't ever talk to them or have any feelings for them but its kinda neat every once in a while to see what they are up to. And stop comparing yourself to them, he is with you for a reason and not them. Everyone is self conscious in some way, but what you see isn't always what everyone else sees. He clearly cares for you if he didn't want to hear about you kissing other guys.

I wouldn't worry about this. Talk to him, tell him how you feel and maybe let him know that him going through his messages made you feel a little uneasy with what you saw. I'm sure he will put your fears at ease. You've been with him for a year, that has to mean something right?

I have nothing to say, because she took the words right out of my mouth. Seriously, don't do something you'll regret. Have a conversation with him about this. Sit him down, as reluctant he may be, and talk about it. Ask him what's bothering him, and listen without getting angry. I've said it a million times, and I'll say it again; Talk it out! Every fight can be resolved without yelling and getting angry. It just takes some discipline.

[Zephii]

Snow girl knows what's she's talking about

I wanted to chuck in a different persepective - perhaps he didn't talk about you like that because he respects you and sensed he had a chance with you, whereas this random hot chick was just that - something to look at.

Either way, just sit him down and hash it out with him. I can't say I've ever watched my SO go to work without a goodbye hug - because I'm the kind of bitch that will harp at him until the problem is talked through and resolved Find out what's got his knickers in a twist, tell him what got you upset, laugh at each other and then move past it. This isn't something to leave a relationship about. Everyone has a past. (Well not everyone but those other people are boring )

[Tooki]

snow_girl pretty much nailed the male perspective. Guys don't like to talk up their GF in that way because it feels creepy (for me and people that I know at least) to say how hot your GF is and to have your friend agree with you (and explicitly admit that he thinks that your GF is hot), as well as the fact that its easier to say how hot a girl is instead of how emotionally attached you are to another. I still occasionally say a girl is hot (especially if a male friend asks), mostly because she is indeed only that: a hot girl. There are no feelings and no commitment.

[sewbama]

Everyone is nailing the advice on this. One thing I want to add is that you obviously feel he doesn't find you attractive. It is HIGHLY unlikely that this is the case. This kinda relates to what Tooki and snowgirl said. Guys will kinda "locker-room talk" together about someone they don't know because there's no threat of rejection or anything. But she's not someone they care about. She's someone they find attractive and, in some sort of effort to show they have similar levels of testosterone, they talk about how attractive they find her.

As for how your SO feels about you, this might be something you need to tell him. If you feel like he doesn't find you attractive, he needs to change his behavior so that you know just how he feels. It's probably much harder to tell you he finds you attractive because there is a threat of rejection, etc. What if you think he's weird for saying so? One other thing you need to keep in mind is even if these other girls are "prettier than you", it is unlikely he thinks so, and even if he did, he obviously decided they weren't as well suited to him as you are or he'd be with them. Especially since LDR is so hard. There are things WAY more important to the success of a relationship than whether or not someone is good-looking. Attraction is important, but that's different.

Anyway the important thing is you guys need to talk about all this before you leave (if possible). None of this is a reason to break up, so don't even go there. Just calmly talk about why you are upset. Don't blame. Try to explore where your feelings are coming from, and share them.

[inez]

I tore a couple pages from my journal I'd written on the flight to his city and gave them to him. They were meant to be happy and indicate how special he has made my life. He wound up breaking down sobbing in my lap. Which made me cry, because I thought I made him feel badly somehow (granted, the entry had a bit of a somber tone to it as it was never meant to be seen by anyone else). He said, "I'm crying because nobody has made me feel so special, wanted, or important."

We were wiping our faces off and I was asking if my mascara was all over my face. When he shook his head, I said, "See? The plus side of not wearing too much make up." He responded in a matter-of-fact tone, "You don't need to. You look just as beautiful without it." FIRST TIME HE'S EVER SAID IT, AND I DIDN'T EVEN TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT YET. Things had a way of working themselves out without a proper discussion. I'm reminded why we're sticking with this; I know I could be compatible with plenty of people in my area, but we function like two pieces made for each other.

Even more magically, my flight was delayed, so I was able to talk the airline into transferring my flight to this weekend. He even took Friday off of work to be with me. ^_^ I take back what I said about breaking up with him, of course (not that this was ever a serious consideration).

Thanks so much to everybody who offered their advice and words of encouragement. Especially the people who have successfully closed the distance, it always brings me so much hope. I will definitely bring it up now that we can both be rational about it so this issue is resolved, communication is key.

[Zephii]

Awe that's great to hear