Feeling pretty iffy about my LDR

[kelbug73029]

I feel like my LDR has been going downhill here lately. We don't agree about anything anymore. And he's SOOO emotional. I grew up in a very abusive household where you got smacked if you showed any sign of emotion, so naturally, I now have issues showing emotion. But he cries ALL THE TIME. Then, he gets mad at me because I don't cry in front of him. It's not just him; I don't cry in front of anyone. I have talked about this with him, and he knows everything about my childhood, and after we talk about it things will get better for a day or so, but then things are back to normal. I just got back from a weekend visit with him, and he was so clingy, it drove me nuts. My visits to him are also visits to my mom, who is my best friend, but he never gets more than two inches away from me. How am I supposed to spend time with my mom when he won't give me any breathing room? He said that he feels like I'm attacking him, when I'm really just trying to tell him something that bothers me. I can't tell him anything remotely negative without him getting all pouty. And crying. I like really masculine guys, and I don't really know how to tell him that he needs to man up a bit. Does anyone have any advice? I'm tired of him being the girl in the relationship.

[Dezface]

If that's just who he is, not much you can do about it. Maybe he's just not really your type? Your relationship is new, it's ok to find out you're not compatible.

[Black_Halloween]

I think you're being way too hard on him. Just in this post you're calling him a girl for showing his emotions and being honest with you. A man can still be a man even if he cries....to be honest he's more of a man BECAUSE he cries. Don't feed into the stereotype that men have to be big and strong, never showing any emotion what so ever. Its also normal for him to be clingy after not seeing you for a while, he MISSED you! I know I won't be two feet away from my SO when he visits in 10 days if I can help it.

Gently tell him that when you visit you still need a little time to spend with your mom too.

[KnightoftheAesir]

I came from an abusive household as well. I wasn't beaten for crying or for showing emotions, but I was always being verbally abused for stuff I did or did not do right. In return I turned very cold and wanted the world to really burn. In high school, I looked forward to joining the military to learn how to fight so that I may one day become a hired soldier in some third world country. However I have learned that, that is not the correct way. I have learned that a MAN who is not afraid to show emotion and how he feels to his woman. Is worth 500 of your "masculine men". Most of these men who have too much pride to show their emotions I have seen to treat girls like sluts and just use them for nothing but sex and are very abusive. If this is how you feel about your boyfriend, don't try and change him for the worse. Let him go so that he may find someone who will love him for who he is. Then go out and find one of your "masculine" men. Later in life you will see these men for who they are. They are not "men", but overgrown boys who do NOT know how to treat women.

[redapple]

I'm with dez here. I think perhaps the real problem you have here is a difference of personalities. I think its not fair for you to try and change him. Nor should he try and change you. can you live with how he is?

[Tooki]

I can imagine that he clings to you because he is shy around your family (very understandable) and only feels comfortable around you. I do understand that you have had past issues but your SO hasn't and you shouldn't hold that against him because he does something differently to how you do it.

[Irina_Linn]

i have exactly same problem...well not exactly but rather similar.my SO is over-emotional as well and i grew up learning that crying is a sign of weakness.its also hard for me to see him crying while i maintain poker face.but we talked about it and i just put it that way "i wanna be your little girl always and i want you to protect me and be my shield in life".this way i let him know i rely on him and also i emphasised his masculinity.so now he is so emotional very rarely and instead of crying or complaining how bad he feels,he jokes around and makes me smile.the moral is: dont try changing him,but rather try putting it in such way that would make HIM want to stop all that sobbing.good luck!

[Katy31]

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a little bit of breathing space. I would try a bit more to voice this in a constructive manner, but if he simply doesn't allow you any room then you may just have to accept that that is who he is. If that's not what will make you happy then you need to leave. I also think its perfectly possible to be with somebody who is less clingy but who will still treat you in a respectful manner.

[sewbama]

First, lose the gender stereotypes. Not cool.

Next, don't attack him for his personality, for who he is. Your tone in your post is extremely accusatory. Back off for a bit. This guy really cares for you, so let him show it how he shows it. Let him deal with missing you how he can. The problem is with you, not him. He has not done anything wrong, so if you want something to change, it will be as a favor to you not because it is what the relationship needs. Since he loves you, if you come at it like that, he'll probably do anything for you. But if you approach as if he's done something wrong and he has to change, you're going to get the response you have -- he feels attacked.

My advice would be to tell him how you feel. Open up to him, but don't say anything about how he has done something you don't like. Tell him you hope you can get more alone time with your mom while you're there. Maybe you can come up with something where you set aside time before the visit just to be with your mom. If he knows its coming, it'll likely be easier for him to deal with not being with you. Maybe do an evening and a lunch or something where it's just you and your mom, but the rest of the time, be open for him to be around while you're with your mom. Come up with a compromise you can both handle. If you just tell him he's too clingy and to not be close to you, he'll be constantly worrying while you're there that he's too close. It'd be better to give him set times to disentangle so he can relax and just be with you the rest of the time.

As for the crying, get over it. People cry. It doesn't mean he isn't a big strong man who can comfort you when you need it. My SO cries. He has bad nights where he's more sad or just had a rough day. And I'm there for him because that's my job. I'm his woman, I comfort him when he needs it. But when I have a bad day, he's first in line to comfort me. We help each other through because that is what couples do. It sounds (though I'm not sure; your post was short) as though you aren't sharing with him when you're sad. I doubt it's that he wants you to cry. It's that he wants to be there for you when you are having a bad day. But to do that, you have to tell him that you need comforting. You need to be more willing to open up. If you can't because of your childhood, that's something you need to work on. Maybe get some counselling.

As for him getting pouty when you say negative things, this one might be something you can work on together. Maybe you can change the way you say things to him when you say negative things. Maybe you can tell him that when you say negative things it isn't that you don't like him or anything, but you feel it's something for you both to work on. Try to get him to recognize that he's reacting inappropriately without accusing him. Use "we" or "I" statements, not "you" statements. (Don't say "You always get pouty when I say negative stuff"; Say "I want to understand how I can better present issues when I have them so that we can both focus on them without getting too emotional" or something...)

Anyway, I wish you luck. Try to see him for who he is and love that, and only approach with changes to behavior, not to personality.

[digitalfever]

Honestly, I can 100% see where your coming from. I'm not a very emotionally expressive person and I get really agitated when people cling to me, act needy or generally are too emotional. However, I can understand that has to do with me and my quirks. I'd say that you guys aren't a personality match.

If you want someone with a more composed and less expressive exterior then find it but don't blame your current boyfriend for his personality as its not fair.

[bethyylovee]

Stephen can get a bit emotional at times, but it's okay with me because I know that it's just part of his personality. He's a manly guy, I know that, but I also know that he has feelings just like anyone else. And not everyone has issues showing it. Be a little easier on the guy, don't use this as something to decide to call off the relationship completely.

That being said, you mentioned there are other issues...disagreements, being clingy...it is possible that you guys just aren't compatible. Which is fine. In life we'll have dates and relationships to find out what's best for us, and when you finally find that person, you'll know. If something isn't right, you need to talk to him about it.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I agree with a lot of what's already been said: I know he's annoying you, but you being frustrated is just going to make it worse.

The problem is, the colder and more distant you get with him, the more clingy and emotional he's going to be. Try and drop the "you're really annoying me" attitude, even when you're getting frustrated, and explain as calmly as you possibly can what you need. I don't see why you haven't already explained to him that when you see your Mum, you would like some time alone with her. He doesn't actually have to be there does he?

I also agree that this is a personality clash. You are justified in how you feel, but so is he. If you're not prepared to try to be more patient and compassionate with him so you can get your point across, he's not the right guy for you. And that's ok too. But don't tell him to 'man up'. Explain what you need and how you think can provide that.

[jess_mp]

Talk to him about it... tell him you need some time to spend with your family too. Be honest, but also, you gotta understand he misses you. The best is accepting your partner the way he is , if you really love him, you will. If you can't stand his behavior, then move on.