I don't know how to take this...

[Karura]

Everything was going smoothly again with my SO but today things came crashing down again.

Okay, so I'm going to try and making things shorter and easier to understand. I would put some of our messages here but since his English is poor it may sound confusing for some so I'm just going to explain what happened and what was said. So basically, his father has been diagnosed with kidney stones for years but yesterday he got worse and went to the hospital. It appears that one of his kidneys is not functioning well but the doctors need more tests to be sure. This is what my SO told me when I asked about his dad today since I was worried.

But then he proceeded to tell me that he needed to say something that I wouldn't like. I prepared myself for economic situations since I told him that if he needed to use the money he saved, for his trip to visit me, for the hospital bills, he shouldn't hesitate. I expected him to say something of "I need to use that money so I can't go to Macau this Summer". What I got was different. He said he wouldn't go to Macau and the way he said it sounded off to me, so I asked if it was about the money. He said it was part of it.

That got me worried since I couldn't find any other reason why he wouldn't be able to come. He said he had been talking with his family who knows about our relationship for weeks (maybe a month) now, and something were cleared. They had been talking him going to Macau this July and told him he was rushing things and being irresponsible, and by meeting me 4 months after my visit looked liked I was trying to get him to marry me, that it looked like things were going too fast. I told him we weren't rushing by having him meet me again when all I want is to be near him. But he told me he actually agreed with them! That he needed more time to prepare himself. He even went and said how he didn't find it right to depend on me and my mom during his stay in Macau. I went "WTF" at this point and argue back, asking him why he even wanted to waste money when he could stay at my apartment and save money by doing so. He went about other things like being his first time traveling and flying alone and he needed to feel what he worked up for was worth it.

The thing is, the was another reason why he was coming to meet me in Macau besides seeing me, and that was meeting my dad. My dad doesn't know about our relationship and I have a hard time dealing with my dad about many things really, but the thing I know he would disapprove most is my relationship with my SO and I wanted my father to meet him when I told him so. I suspect my father's suspicious about me going to Chile (I told him it was about a mobility program for my University, which is another reason I'm going there) but he's going to continue to press me until I break and say something. My father can be quite scary and I never let him know I'm scared if I need to confront him, but I wish I didn't have to deal with him alone...

I became emotional, panicked, and so confused. I wanted to be with him physically; I wanted to have him with me for more than a week (which is the time I will be staying at his country); I wanted him to know my city; I wanted to come clean with my dad... If I couldn't see him this year, meant I could only meet him Summer of 2014 which meant more than a year without him (since I would have no other reason to visit Chile if my father continued oblivious to our relationship). It was torturing and I became angry and sad as emotions flood me. I told him he was saying nonsense, coming up with crappy excuses, I was mad that he was putting his pride into this and I felt betrayed that he once told me I was his priority and that he wasn't afraid of coming to see me and now... he even says he has enough money but even so he feels it's not right.

I've been talking to a friend also in a LDR, one of the best friends I know. I talked to him since he's great at calming me down and he succeeded, while I gave my SO the silent treatment, and he sort of became a medium when my SO went to him to talk about the argument we had as well. My dear friend actually agreed with me that my SO wasn't making much sense and that he was probably getting cold feet as well as letting his family influence him. I was mad because he's been the one saying not to let my father bother our relationship and now he lets himself get swayed by his family. My friend told me he was pretty adamant in his decision on not going and I felt... defeated. I realized there wasn't anything I could do to change his mind. And even if I could, I didn't want him to go because he had an obligation or because I pressured him.

I'm still pretty down and getting more upset the more I think about it. I just don't think it's fair. My SO tells me I'm being inconsiderate by only thinking of me when he also needs to think about his family and their approval, that he's been trying his hardest. He told me friend he loved me despite everything, but... he's the kind that would willingly wait many years to see me and I don't share the same views. I'm an impatient person.

And the most worrisome part is I'm meeting him in 4 days, on his birthday. Only 4 days. We're not talking to each other yet (I'm the one who stopped first) and he's dreading the thought of a break-up (I don't plan to, at least not like this) and I'm worried this will affect my stay in his country. It would be our first meeting and I was so excited about it, but now I can only see awkward moments and me only thinking about not seeing him for so long. My friend told me to make use of all the time I have with him during my Easter holidays even if my SO has classes, to not worry about the time I'll be apart from him. I told him I would try, as I'm still planning on going, and that I would avoid worrying about the future.

To him it may be only a post-pone but it's heartbreaking for me... 16 months after a meeting of a week...
It's so hard to deal with this...

[ThePiedPiper]

My ex and I used to bicker a lot before visits, especially before our first, and it caused us to have doubts to. They ended up being unfounded, but I think it's normal for people to end up getting cold feet and panicking and wondering what's going to happen now. Tensions are high when you meet because there's a lot at stake. If I were you, I would approach him (it sounds like he's nervous, not angry) and try and talk to him about the situation. Without getting angry at him, maybe tell him you want to talk about it in a way you can both remain calm, because you want to be in a good place when you visit him because you're really looking forward to it and want it to go well. The one thing I do want to mention is that if you're terrified of your father, I imagine this is something your SO knows? It's not entirely fair to say "now you're not coming and I have to keep you a secret for that much longer!" It's not your SO's fault or responsibility that you kept him from your father, regardless of your reasons, and it's not necessarily your SO's duty to be there with you when you tell him. It's possible that the pressure of meeting someone you're scared to tell was making him nervous when travelling alone and spending a significant amount of time with someone in person is more than enough stress on its own. I honestly think that if he wants to stay in a hotel, you need to be accomodating for that. I can understand you're hurt, but he was honest about his reasons and as much as you don't like them, you need to respect them.

[Riyko]

Chileans are big on family and if there is the fear of someone taking one of their kids away they panic (most of the chileans i know still live at home and are going to school, i will say they are in the 24-29 age range) especially if they don't know the other person and haven't had a chance to meet that person yet. While you are hurt he's siding with his family wait until you meet them and they meet you, you never know they could change their mind about you.

My case with my ex (chilean) his dad broke us up, we were together for 4 years and his dad (scared to lose control over him) told him either stay with her and i'll cut off all funding to you or break up with her and i'll keep supporting you while you are in Canada, while it was a hard decision we talked about it and decided it'd be best for him to break up with me and take the money.

Good luck and as always if you need to talk feel free to PM me

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

If you're not willing to come clean to your Dad about your relationship so you can visit your SO again, it's not fair of you to complain about his family preventing you from meeting again. It's a bit hypocritical. Your Dad might be scary, but if you're adult and brave enough to save up money and travel to an unknown place to meet someone you love, you're definitely adult and brave enough to face him.

As you said, there's no real point pressuring him, because what you'll just do is put more negativity between you and your SO. And with his Dad being ill... have you considered that maybe he's trying to find excuses not to go so he can stick around to be supportive for his family?

In terms of waiting a long time to see your SO again... I'm waiting a full year to see my SO again. And I honestly never thought I would have to do that or that I'd be prepared to do that. But I want to have more time with my SO, and I have to do what I have to do to make that possible. I actually don't have much sympathy - because at this point, you have an opportunity to make it possible to see your SO more frequently by coming clean to your Dad. If I had an opportunity to see my SO again sooner, and I could make it happen, I would. I think most people here would.

I'm sorry that he's changed his mind, but like your friend told you, it sounds like he's made his mind up. And even if you manage to persuade him out of the reasons he's already given you, I have a feeling he's going to find more reasons.

In terms of your visit, try to relax. Because being together in person... sometimes the relief just to be together dissolves all the frustration about being apart. Try not to think about being apart, focus on him, and you, and being together. I know that it's difficult, but if you're going to make it through a long time of not seeing each other, you want all the positive, happy memories to hold onto to get you through.

[Karura]

Thank you very much for your opinions! I'll keep in mind everything you said and I'm aware I wasn't making things easy for my SO with the argument and stuff.

Just to clear a few things up first, I'm studying in a different country (the reason why my location says "Portugal") while my parents are living back in Macau. They are also separated so I don't really get to see my father very often.

Also, I didn't want to come clean with my dad without my SO because my father is very against me talking to other people on the internet, let alone finding a special someone. My father has always been very strict and would not hesitate to take away things that meant to me or make my life more miserable. I didn't tell him so far because I know that if I tell him without something to make it seem less suspicious to ease his mind it will go very badly and I still won't be able to go to Chile. In fact, it will be harder once he knows about our relationship. I was hoping that if he met my SO, even if he didn't accept, at least he wouldn't keep that mentality that everyone on the internet it ought to rape me. That's regarding the issue with my dad, as a situation where telling him right now could only make things more difficult. If he already knew about it I wouldn't be able to to fly to Chile this weekend.

But more than the thing about my dad... I already talked to my SO again. His father is getting better, thankfully, and he'll probably need to use part of the money saved, but he still has enough. He admitted that he agreed with his family because he's scared. Scared of his first trip ever. I was somewhat hurt that his fear could overcome his need to see me. I'm very experienced in travelling, but not him or his family, and I tried reassuring him that I would help him every way I could and that it's not as bad as he makes it seem. I even offered to talk to his family what's it like to travel by plane to ease their worries.

He also told me he didn't want to go against him family wishes, but even though my dad doesn't know about it, my mom does and she didn't want me to go. Like his family, my mom is worried about me but because she wants to see me happy, I managed to convince her to let me go. She still has her doubts but I'm willing to go see him anyway. I know it's easy to do things according to family's wishes, it's hard to go against them, but my SO was the one who told me before to not let others or family come between us and he was the one influenced. His family is worried about him leaving and keep bringing the stuff about me seeming to want to marry immediately and I find that part ridiculous. I'm not trying to get married right away! It's only a visit and I plan on having more until we actually reach that point. Just because we want to be with each other it doesn't mean we're getting married because we're flying to the other's country.

My SO and I, we've known each other for more than 3 years and we started the relationship June of last year. I know some people waited longer to meet each other but I don't think we're rushing. It makes it even harder when our schedules clash so hard since we have different seasons and different holiday times. His holidays rarely match mine, only in July, which is why I hoped he'd come.

But after talking to him again things are somewhat calmer between us so I'm more relieved.

[ThePiedPiper]

Could you and your mom tell your dad you met your SO on your Chile trip? That way you tell him but also tell him you met him while on the trip so it's obvious you met him in person? Thing is, it's still your demon to face, whether or not it would make everything 10x harder, and you can choose how to deal with that demon as you will but you can't blame your SO for changing his mind.

As far as fear... Fear is a big thing and it has nothing to do with you. I'm not quite sure how to explain it but when fear exists, it's not "fear vs SO" and fear wins. Fear exists independently and has absolutely nothing to do with your partner, your relationship, etc. You have a fear of telling your father. That doesn't mean it's winning out over your SO, that you're ashamed of him, etc. You have your own reasons.

I think you're really complaining about your SO doing what you're doing. Just because they're in different contexts doesn't mean they don't have similar motivators. Also, his family might just need to meet you and see what you're about. Parents get worried. It's not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe you'd look at it differently if you didn't look at family as this massive hurdle that needed to be jumped but saw it instead as people you need to respect, who have valid fears, and they don't know your relationship. *shrug* If your friend came up to you tomorrow and I said "so I met this guy a month ago, and I love him SO much, even though the 100mile distance is super hard," it's possible you'd roll your eyes at her, even without knowing her situation. If she explained it to you and you learned she had no money, was on lockdown, and he couldn't drive, for example, you might feel differently about it. I think once you meet his family, some of these uncertainties might be cleared up, and I think it's important to realise that families are going to have questions. The whole internet thign was not as common when they were meeting people.

I just feel like you need to take a step back from your situation. A lot of what you're getting angry at your SO for, you're doing in another context. I also think you need to be patient. You haven't even gotten through your first visit. Get through this one, meet his family, etc. before you start planning for your second, third and so on. It will all come in due time and if it happens before he's ready because he felt forced to, that won't do any good for anyone.