Just got back from my first visit... confused and scared...

[shad0wxb0i]

I just came back from spending a good two whole weeks with my SO. This was my first time to visit her in Quebec, Canada. She has come to visit me in San Francisco too about 3 months ago. Everything was great before I came to visit. We both had butterflies before you see each other, you know, the usual feelings.

I arrive and of course its magical with big hugs and kisses at the airport. The only thing this time is that we both felt that we weren't as excited as the past times. I know its because we are over the puppy love stage but it still felt like it was all a dream for us to be together. I guess you can say it was euphoric and weird at the same time. I guess our relationship has plateaued. Well the first week goes by and everything is ok, no problems at all.

I start to notice she is acting a bit strange and a little more reserved later into the second week. I ask her whats wrong and she tells me she's getting used to being alone like having a boyfriend over the phone/internet and not really seeing him. She's not used to have me for 2 weeks straight. I know shes feeling overwhelmed. That's where i got scared. I had to take a step back. I told her we can take things slower but i don't know if that's where I messed up or not. I don't know what i can do here..

In quebec the main language is french so its kinda hard for me to make random conversations with people. So when we went to visit her family its not like i can take part in their conversations. They try to speak english and she tries to translate as much as possible but translations aren't the same. Well for her its hard to express her feelings. She kinda has this wall up because she doesn't want to get hurt. That's understandable. But when it comes it talking about feelings she can't really tell me. I am registered for french classes this semester so i will be trying my best to learn french so i can understand how she feels.

Anyone have any help or support? this wall is getting in the way of us moving ahead. instead we took a step back. i need your help forum.


thanks
-mark

[Riyko]

For you guys to move forward she's going to have to learn to trust you and drop the wall she has built up, it doesn't have to be right away but it will have to be slowly otherwise the relationship won't move forward and she will wind up getting hurt. I have the same wall and believe me it takes a while for someone to feel comfortable enough to release the wall for someone, it took me a year to fully drop the wall for the person I really care about.

All I can say is talk to her about how your feeling and then see if you two can find some common ground and work from there to get the trust and the relationship back to where it was before.

[Lunar Snow]

Hey, Mark.

I think I understand how you both feel. I also think that we all can get addicted to that sense of euphoria in a new relationship, but it is realistic and natural for things to "plateau" or level out into something more manageable and graceful--while it might feel like a bit of a let down (and, perhaps, even more so because with LDRs, I think we sometimes have the sense that every visit should renew those first feelings of exhilaration), sometimes it is a good sign that an LDR can feel "normal." Feeling overwhelmed on a visit is natural, too--every one of us, whether we fess up to it or not, has likely had that feeling on a visit. We are going weeks, months, or even years without seeing someone in-person, while using tools which change the nature and pace of communication, and are then thrust into a limited time-frame, potentially being around someone 24/7, with expectations to create a sense of "normalcy" and making up for lost time. There is a lot of pressure and the visiting situation, unfortunately, can be very artificial. On my last visit, for instance, I had moments where I wished I could slap on my baggiest pair of sweatpants and lounge around all day, thinking about what was happening or be able to tell him that I didn't like one of his friends and go back to my place to stew about it for awhile. On his part, I think he was under tension to play the good tour guide and was anxious for me to like his life there and, I don't know, call up his friends and have a rant fest about how I should help with the dishes more.

If you are still sharing magical kisses and having fun, I think that is a good sign and not necessarily one of a step back. I wonder, if you want the relationship to move forward, maybe you need to clarify the expectations of where you want it to move forward to to yourself before you gather that there are all these set-backs. Sorry, that sounded really blunt and it wasn't meant to be--it's just that, from personal experience, if I have big relationship talks with someone, I have found out (sometimes the hard way) that I need to be clear and solid in where my feelings and position are. In general, what I can suggest for the feelings of being overwhelmed, is to offer to have little breaks in the day where you go off and explore something, read a book or have a really long shower and encourage her to have a little bit of alone-time, too. I know it feels like, on a visit, you might want to be joined at the hip, but a little bit of time spent for gathering thoughts, chilling out, etc. can do wonders.

Language barriers! Those are tough. One of the best friends I have made was this year and she was from Austria. Her family (parents, sisters, and nephew) came to visit and made us this beautiful dinner. I had barely learned a handful of phrases to say to her family and her sisters were decent at English (though not as developed as her), her nephew and step-mother barely spoke or understood English and her father spoke and understood none. It was very hard making dinner conversation and all the jokes or stories had to be translated, which resulted in a loss of momentum. It was still fun, but I could sense a good deal of frustration for all, multiply that by two weeks and I totally get how frustrated you must feel! I think taking French lessons is a good idea for the long-run (see if you can get the teacher to teach you some popular slang words and idiomatic expressions--knowing those can really help keep you from misunderstandings! Also, don't forget that Parisian French can be quite different, sometimes, than Quebec French). In the interim, remember how much of communication is based on things like body language and facial expressions and be open not just to picking up worrisome signals, but also positive ones, too. Carefully reading your lady's body language, in the interim, may help you to recognize her feelings or lead into conversations about how things are going/ or responding to her in a sensitive way.

[shad0wxb0i]

Thanks so much for the replies!

We have talked about moving forward before. As for me i would be willing to make the move but its still far to early in the relationship. We've had talks even about marriage and kids too. We both do want to move ahead we just have to do it slowly. It scares her to talk about stuff like that which is why i don't ever talk about it up unless she brings up the subject.

As for her being overwhelmed i did give her breaks. I would take walks, watch tv or hop on the computer. I guess it wasn't enough though.


So today was the first time i talked to her since i got back. It was about 20 mins just before she went to bed. I noticed she stop saying terms of endearment but at least she didn't call me by my first name. Conversation was back to normal though. I could sense by her tone of voice she was happy to speak to me. I didn't throw in any i miss you's this short conversation just to give her a break in case she was still feeling overwhelmed.